This is what you have to do.

[matt11b5]

Hi Everyone.

 

I've been visiting this site since me and my ex-girlfriend broke up in December. It seems my problems were nearly identical to the rest of yours and coming here has really helped quite a bit. Two of my best friends also went through tough breakups like all of ours. Each of us having relationships lasting nearly 5 years. I'm writing this based on what me and my buddys went through and how we handled it. I'm no doctor or expert on relationships, but I made every attempt to get over my tough break up and listened to those that were trying to help.

First of all you have to understand that your partner broke up with you because they think they can find something better or that they're missing out on something. It could be a great oppurtunity at a job or something similiar or a better relationship. Odds are they won't tell you they may have found a better lover that they want to try and date, and if they tell you they want to date around that means they feel they're missing out on a potentially better relationship and they want to look and see. People have a tendency to forget what it is they have and always think they can do better or that they're missing out on something. And if you think hard and deep. I'm sure theres times where you being the hurt person that lost someone had those thoughts also at some poing. Sometimes we do find better, but sometimes we dont. But I can gurantee that the person that initiated the break up who is making this big gamble is alot more scared than you are.

In getting over this break up you have to just let the person go. I'm sure you have it hanging in the back of your head that your probably going to get back together. Well maybe you will and maybe you won't. But sitting and hoping is self torture. Your not getting back together ever again. You had something great but your partner didnt want it anymore. Its there loss, and I promise they will hit lonely points in there life where they will realize that. Its time to move on and dont look back. Someone else out there is looking for you and eventually you will find them. They may deserve you better than the person that left you. And then you'll be thanking god for unanswered prayers.

Do not contact the person at all costs. Me and my buddy Hake did this and were doing really good at this point. My other buddy Smith is still talking to his ex and they visit periodically. Its been 3 months and he's still a wreck. He refuses to let go. So that definitely proved to me that the no contact rule does work. But I'd be lying to you if I told you it was easy. It wasnt easy but I knew I had to do it. I sat in my dining room building model airplanes and cars. They're pretty cool looking to. I kept myself around people by hanging out with friends. I also got a second part time job. One good thing that has came out of this is that I have a nice looking savings account. You have to keep yourself busy. Erase his/her phone number from your cell, don't e-mail, don't send letters. Odds are they won't respond and it will upset you even more. The ball is in there court. Theres nothing you can say thats going to help you get them back. Thats why they broke up with you. If they try to contact you its because they are using you for the comfort and company you provided them with for however long you were together and thats not right. By breaking up with you they surrendered those rights to those things. Allowing them to use you is going to cause serious paine to you and I'll tell you why. When you let them call you and talk to you, your maintaining a bit of a relationship with this person and being there for them where in turn there not really there for you. Your letting everything be on there terms and granting them to much power and control over your life. Your also making it easier for them to get over the break up while your getting worse. Once they find another person to comfort them other than you. You'll be left in the dust and worse off than when you initially broke up. Don't call them and don't take there calls. If it does hit a point that the person who broke up with you is very adimant about starting over. Then you two need to discuss alot of things before you jump right back into it. But the only way they can know what there missing you is by making them miss you. The only way that can happen is by being out of there life completely. But we're not thinking about getting the person back now are we. We're thinking about moving on.

Go out with your buddies, go on dates, do the things you couldnt do when you were in that relationship. Enjoy yourself, eventually your going to find someone who will sweep you off your feet again. Hard to imagine though right now I know. Take time and be single. The single life is alot of fun. I admit I turned into a bit of a man whore. But I'm having alot of fun. Just take advantage of life. Its not over.

The greates thing happened to me a week ago. Its been 4 months since our break up. And one day last week I realized I had'nt thought about my ex for a couple of days. Thats when I realized that I'm doing well and I'm pretty much over her. I miss my ex and I sometimes wonder how she is and what she's doing. But at the same time it doesnt really seem to matter to me anymore. I never thought I would hit that point but we all do. I still love her and I always will, but I've learned alot about myself and I've met some wonderful girls that blow her out of the water. I just dont want a relationship right now. I've learned to love myself and I'm taking my time before I give that love to someone else. I was able to get this far because I allowed myself and forced myself to. Maybe someday my ex and I will cross paths again and we'll be more in tune with each other due to our change and realize it was meant to be. But time will decide. Take those steps that me and my buddy did. It does work. Stay tough. I hope this helps.

[geordie1976]

I agree with everything you've posted there. I'm in that stage of missing my ex badly, and have just come to terms with the fact that every time I confess my feelings for her I'm not helping myself, but am helping her to cope. I am now using the philosophy 'If you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you.' I've bought new clothes, got a new hairstyle, started to get fit and I'm loving every minute of it!

[blueyed99]

Matt -

Your words or rather, your experience is quite inspiring. I know what it must have felt like to realize wow, I havent thought of her in x days. Must have been quite a high! I am also trying to heal from a relationship that ended four weeks ago. We were together for 7 years. We were engaged, living together and strangely enough, very happy, for the most part.

I was, however, having trust issues {last year of our relationship} because something felt different. He was different} .

 

One day, during an argument, he left and I have YET to hear from him again. That was four weeks ago. I am certain its over for him {because walking out, not calling or speaking to me within a few hours of an argument) isnt his usual pattern. And, at this point, it doesnt even matter what he thinks or feels or wants. He played his cards all wrong this time. You dont just leave someone high and dry.

and, for me? ITS OVER THIS TIME! NO QUESTIONS ASKED. We broke up once before and we did get back together but I won't make the same mistake twice, especially after his exodus.

Anyways, you seem like you're doing really well. I'm glad .. you deserve it. Thanks again for sharing.

[princesa]

Dear Matt,

 

I absolutely underline everything you said. In fact, I'm going to print that out and carry it in my pocket, so when ever I feel blue (I broke up - because my boyfriend said he was not in love - only 4 weeks ago and sort of still live in the afterglow and that roller coaster of feelings) - no contact really is helping ME to move on. And like somebody said, you don't have to burn the bridge to be moving on (wrote that in my diary too... ), but the most important thing is to realise that they do not want to be with us like we deserve them to be with us, so no matter what we do and how much we cry that won't make them change their mind. It IS hard to carry on...but it will get better.

Anyways, just wanted to say that I totally agree and have to congratulate you for such constructive thinking and helping many people by writing that so clearly. You're absolutely right.

 

Good luck,

 

Princesa