OK, I need responses ASAP, to decide what to do

[roccosgal]

Hello Everyone, I need some help quickly. My boyfriend broke up with me last month. We had been going out over a year. Well, I did the no contact rule and broke it this past monday and emailed him that I missed talking to him and sent him pictures of my dog. Well he responded yesterday to the pictures via email and then called me five minutes later and I did not answer, his message was that he missed talking to me too. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!! Do I call him back or wait till he calls me back? I don't want to push him farther away by not talking to him.. HELP ME! I would like to know what to do before this weekend .. Thanks you all are wonderful...

[PinkTink]

Call him...you may regret not later...!

[JN]

Does the good out weigh the bad?

Why did you break up in the first plae?

[roccosgal]

We broke up the day after I visited him for a week. He thought that since I am 35 years old that I am in a rush to get married. I never said that to him. He also thinks that I want kids, he has his own two kids and they are young and live with him.. that is all I ever wanted. He left me since he thought that I would be led on for to long thinking that I was going to be proposed to and I was not. I need to call him so bad.. but I am scared to see what he says.. I know that he misses me.. but what will his tone be with me if I initiate the call back to him..

[Mar]

Well, in this situation, I suppose a call wouldn't hurt, if only to try to straighten out the misconceptions he has about you. Although I have to ask: haven't you two discussed this before, where you made your intentions clear? And are you sure you'd be happy never having kids, if he doesn't want any?

 

Be prepared, though. This talk doesn't ensure in any way that you'll get back together; it's more an attempt just to straighten out the record. Taking time off for a bit is not a bad idea, regardless, for ANYONE. It's not a negative thing in all circumstances; rather, I think it gives everyone that "Ahh...!" feeling for a minute to regroup and have a chance to have a bit of time to themselves. But that's just me! I wish you luck, and hope you two can iron out your differences and get things straight!

 

Mar

[roccosgal]

I told him repeatedly that I was not wanting marriage in the next year. I also let him know that I would be honored to have the privilege of raising his kids with him. I think he is scared of divorce again and does not want the kids to get hurt. I know what it entails to be married to someone who already has kids, I have read up on it and asked around. I know what I want and I want him. I just wish that he would realize that I meant what I said. I want so badly to call and talk, I would not bring up emotions or what I think should be happening.. I just wnat to hear his voice.. is that so wrong? He obviously wanted to hear mine too and let me know that he missed me.

[ziggystar]

questions: so do you mean you do want marriage at some point, but not in the next year? is that what he wants? and i understand that you want him, but what do you want out of this relationship? and do you think he is he giving that? or are you hoping he will if you wait long enough?

[roccosgal]

I am hoping that within the next two years that he will want to be married. He is skiddish of marriage and I understand why after his divorce but it has been 2 years and I would hope that he could move on. I know that I want him... I have never ever wanted anyone this much before in my life. He is the love of my life and I have never ever been with someone who has made me feel like such a woman and all. I have an email just waiting here to email him telling him that I look forward to talking to him soon. I want to send it, but I am so scared too..uh!!

[roccosgal]

To be honest I don't know if he is completely giving it all.. he really tries to when he can .. really does make the effort!!!!

 

But he is acting weird since we broke up , not wanting me to talk about the relationship.. it seems to push him backwards

[ziggystar]

put it this way, if your hoping he will want to marry you in the next 2 years. can you wait 2 years? but are you having your needs met in the mean time? you can't force him to take you into consideration first. he has himself and his kids in priority. no matter how much he loves, they will always come first. do you want that? it seems like he needs time, and you must give him his space. if you don't, it will surely drive him away. have faith, and stop worrying so much. it only undermines your rationale.

 

ps- you don't need someone else to "feel like such a woman." your giving you self worth too much into his hands. you're the same great woman that you were before you met him. you just didn't give yourself enogh credit.

[roccosgal]

So, my question is this... even though HE contacted me through phone and email do I ever respond to him or it? I don't want to push him away by not emailing and not calling back... do men keep persuing if they really want you and you are not responding?

[ziggystar]

i'm not much for games. i think most men aren't (although i hate over generalizing and putting definitions of what men are and women are). i would say reply to him. keep consistent. but don't talk about the relationship unless he brings it up.

 

as far as men pursuing, like i said, people are different and you just can say. but if he's calling, he's at least unsure. he needs time, give it to him.

 

the thing that i don't like about no contact is that if you give them time to miss you, because they have taken you for granted. and then they come back, you then become available again. given sometime, they'll take it for granted again. NC in itself is dysfunctional. it also depends on whose version of no contact you read. some would say the end goal is just to get them back, but others have gone on to upon getting them back, you must work things out. but both of you need to realize your own issues that contributed to the break-up in the first place and assume responsibility. if that is inconceivable by one or both parties. getting back together is pointless.

[roccosgal]

I did end up emailing him with this email:

 

I do look forward to hearing from you again on the phone.

 

I left it at that with him....

 

I really don't want to screw this up.. I see him missing me so much but I also see a scared man who doesn't know what to do next.. he has feelings for me and does not know what to do with them.

[ziggystar]

yes, he has feelings for you and doesn't know what to do with them. he'll just have to figure it out himself. be patient and strong, but most of all get to living for yourself. good luck.

 

by the way, keep the communication one to one. reply answer reply answer. if you lob a ball his way, don't lob another before he's had a chance to lob the first one back. that's when you're pushing.

[roccosgal]

Thanks for the advice so far. I am hoping that this weekend I can hear from him. I don't know if he was able to get his work email or not since he is out in the field so much. If he doesn't I would hope that on Monday he will respond to me with some sort of communication. We were suppose to spend the summer together and now that is totally in limbo, I want to spend it with him so bad, but I guess that will have to be something that he asks for from me if ever. I teach school so my summers are mine to do what I want and well I want to do that with him..