What makes people polyamorous?

[Keraron]

Firstly, I would ask those who are unfamiliar with these notions to bear in mind that polyamory is not the same as promiscuity, i.e. apparently there really are people who grow affectionate of more than one person at a time and have different soulmates simultaneously - not just for sex!

Whether this is true or not I guess is another discussion, but if it is part of the answer to my question feel free to write that.

 

I personally don't understand polyamory but I have thought a lot about it because for some strange reason, nearly all girls I've ever had any interest in during my lifetime have been polyamorous to a certain degree. However, I recently thought of one person who truly is polyamorous and is even socially expected to be: the parent of more than one child.

 

I think my mother loves me and my brother equally and in the same way. If she had to choose one (i.e. the famous story of saving children from floods), she'd probably do so only due to practical reasons, but her love is the same for both.

 

I know that motherly love is not the same as romantic love, but all polyamorous women I have met seem to show the same affection and depth of relationship to the different men they love. And the more I meet such women, the more I loose my faith in monogamy.

 

Actually, monogamy starts seeming more idealistic and even egoistic to me sometimes: afterall, I want my woman to love only me, and exclusively me, and I often notice that I get jealous when someone I like starts flirting with others or talking good about other guys. Isn't this jealousy stemming from a too high opinion of oneself, which is bad?

 

Currently, there is a woman whom I know since 1 month. We have everything in common from A to Z. She likes everything about me, I like everything about her BUT we have different desires in terms of relationship. She is a convinced polyamorous and I am, well, confused but also open-minded.

I'd like to talk with her about this and see whether in some way I can convince her to convert to monogamy, but I would like to be more prepared about the issue, which is why I am asking you what you think makes people become polyamorous, what are the advantages and disadvantages, and why you would suggest a polyamorous person to "convert" to monogamy or vice-versa.

[agent1607307371]

why you would suggest a polyamorous person to "convert" to monogamy or vice-versa.

 

I wouldn't.

 

I might suggest someone who has never tried poly to have a go, but since most poly people have grown up (in the west) in a monogamous society and have no doubt given it a go, I'd consider it a waste of time asking them to try it again.

 

If you want to be someone's one and only, when someone says they're poly, move on.

 

Or, go out with only them while understanding that you will not be their only relationhip.

(google mono-poly).

[Knight of Hope]

I see two situations here:

 

Case A - She is really poly. If you want monogamy, move on.

 

Case B - She says she's poly, but is really just dating around until she finds the right guy. Then try and convince her you're the right guy, and suppress the jealousy until she focuses on you or decides you're not the one.

 

Seems it's more likely it's Case A from your description, but sometimes people say they believe something but they really don't mean it. Go with your gut, though - I don't know her so I can't tell you what she's thinking.

[Keraron]

most poly people have grown up (in the west) in a monogamous society and have no doubt given it a go, I'd consider it a waste of time asking them to try it again.

 

What you are saying somehow implies that polyamory is superior to monogamy.

 

Why do you think they gave monogamy a go and were disappointed by it?

[agent1607307371]

What you are saying somehow implies that polyamory is superior to monogamy.

 

 

It really doesn't.

 

Why do you think they gave monogamy a go and were disappointed by it?

 

Because if they wanted to be mono/were wired for mono, then that's the relationship model they'd be using.

 

You can't be happy being/doing something you're not. End of.

[Keraron]

Because if they wanted to be mono/were wired for mono, then that's the relationship model they'd be using.

 

You can't be happy being/doing something you're not. End of.

 

Not "End of".

 

You believe that people are hard-wired for something, whereas I for example am very ideologically guided (act according to my beliefs and argumentation), i.e. if I have enough PROs for polyamory I will behave that way, and if I have enough PROs for monogamy, I will be that way.

 

As a psychology student I also can't accept that people "are something" and through my experience I know that we always change. I change according to what I believe in most.

 

I also know from experience that if someone convinces someone else in a meaningful and significant way, there can be deep changes in their lives. Has happened to me, and has happened to others around me.

 

I am just asking what are the pros and cons of poly and mono

[Keraron]

What I am wondering is whether these people probably had some very bad experience with monogamy (cheating, unsatisfied, etc.) because of which they lost faith in it and are deceived by it... etc. and therefore they try to "diversify" and avoid risk by loving many persons at the same time: should one of the lovers quit, there are others immediately.

[agent1607307371]

What I am wondering is whether these people probably had some very bad experience with monogamy (cheating, unsatisfied, etc.) because of which they lost faith in it and are deceived by it... etc. and therefore they try to "diversify" and avoid risk by loving many persons at the same time: should one of the lovers quit, there are others immediately.

 

But they're not the same lover.

 

I think you are mistaking having multiple loves for having interchangeable loves. That is not the case, most of the people engages in poly relationships that I know work very hard at keeping them going. For all the work that goes into a mono relationship (communication and making people feel special) you have to do even more in a poly relationship.

 

Possibly that's how some come to it, but to think that's true of everyone is limiting.

 

There are people on here who are currently in poly relationships and they'll probably be able to help you more than me, but really I think you'd have a better response on poly boards asking people who set their relationships out this way.

 

 

This lady you want to convert to monogamy, is she currently involved with other partners?

[hexaemeron]

I think it's just a question of personal experience, personal expectation and the importance/significance that someone places on the act of sex itself.

 

Personally, I've always seen/experienced sex as just about everything other than a sacred bonding act: conquest, exercise, stress relief, fun. I don't really make love. I have sex. And that doesn't make me a disease vector or a monster. And I don't think people who believe sex is a sacred bond are uptight headcases. People ultimately will sort out their own beliefs through experiences and the lens of their own perspectives.

 

Some people like the idea of seeing their partners having sex with other people. Some people don't. Some people don't mind if they just know about it going on. Other people would be heartbroken.

 

Love, respect, trust and acceptance all exist on a spectrum of the human experience, and depending where everyone's meters are... they're going to have different views.

[Knead2Know]

Polyamory is about the fact that you can love more than one person at a time, yes sex is a part of that but it isn't the whole of it....the idea is that polyamorous people want to freely love more than one person, be with more than one person, and that is emotionally as well as sexually...without lying about it, they are open and honest about it...

 

We do love more than one person all the time, parents, children, friends, but it seems that when it comes to romantic sexual love, people want to be the only one receiving or giving that, sharing that type of love is very difficult for a lot of people....

 

I do think you can be romantically, sexually in love with more than one person, and it does not lessen the love you have for either of them...I think the ability of humans to love is infinite, and only the person puts limits on who they give that love too...

[lavenderdove]

On a practical note, i think if you meet someone you know is polyamorous, and you're definitely not, then i think you shouldn't be in a relationship with them because it just won't work out.

 

I think it is something like sexual orientation, where you can't 'convert' someone to it. You either feel it or you don't, and if you don't, it will cause you pain to be involved with someone who does fall in love with other people.

[Keraron]

I think it is something like sexual orientation, where you can't 'convert' someone to it. You either feel it or you don't, and if you don't, it will cause you pain to be involved with someone who does fall in love with other people.

 

Unless YOU are convinced by it or converted to it, and also feel free to fall in love with other people...

[waveseer]

In a sense all relationships are poly because there is always the possibility of loving another person. Monogamy is a choice just as much as choosing to love someone is a choice.