Should it be viewed that way? Why?

[g84]

I was looking at another thread concerning the topic of virginity. Some people mentioned having viewed it as a liability, or something that needed to be gotten over with "asap''.

 

I guess this really worries me.

If someone wants to experience sex, that's that.

But, why should anyone have to feel embarrassed if they haven't done it yet?

 

I've looked on other forums in the past, and there are so many people wondering if it's acceptable to be a virgin at a certain age. Young kids are asking this, too.

 

This messes me up so badly, and it almost makes me angry with this society.

Why do inexperienced people have to fear being ridiculed?

 

Not every inexperienced person feels this way of course, but many do.

 

Why should virginity be viewed as a liability/embarrassment?

 

I'm a virgin, so am i supposed to feel ashamed, too?

I could feel ashamed over many other things in life..

But i don't want to feel ashamed for not having had intercourse yet.

 

This wasn't intended to be a rant or anything, but i just feel really sad about all of this. I go back and forth between thinking i should not care, and thinking i should feel bad. It's not healthy for me, and i know it's not healthy for anyone to feel that way : [.

I hope that one of these days i get over this and really stop caring, once and for all.

[jonny15]

Because it isn't a special thing.

 

It represents you not doing something. That is it.

 

I personally would love to get rid of it, but I haven't found anyone willing to help me out.

[heatspreader]

Their will always be people who think this way, but I don't think you should feel ashamed. What you decide to do is your business and your choice and you should feel proud of who you are. Being a virgin is not a sin, it's not uncool, and it doesn't make a relationship any less meaningful for a couple, but the same goes for not being a virgin. I hope that you can realize someday that you need not be ashamed of who you are.

[g84]

jonny15, so to you, those are the reasons why someone should have to feel embarrassed?

I don't think i understand

[g84]

All i'm really wanting to express is..

i just don't think anyone should have to feel embarrassed for not losing it.

If they want to lose it, that's all up to them. But the feeling of embarrassment is what upsets me.

[jonny15]

jonny15, so to you, those are the reasons why someone should have to feel embarrassed?

I don't think i understand

 

Well.....it isn't something to be proud of.

 

 

I don't see how not having sex should be viewed as this great thing.

 

 

Not smoking crack should be viewed as a good thing. But not being able to have sex?

[g84]

Okay, i'm clarifying though -

i'm not saying anyone has to feel proud or anything. I'm just saying that the opposite feelings: shame, embarrassment - are also not needed at all.

No one should have to walk around feeling lower than others based on virginity.

[jonny15]

Okay, i'm clarifying though -

i'm not saying anyone has to feel proud or anything. I'm just saying that the opposite feelings: shame, embarrassment - are also not needed at all.

No one should have to walk around feeling lower than others based on virginity.

 

I think it comes down to availablity.

 

If they are saving it, they will view it one way. But if they couldn't give it away, they will probably view it differently.

[diabolik]

g84, I think young people in our society are overexposed to highly sexualized images and messages, and we have allowed advertisers to determine our social norms. It is a sad state of affairs.

jonny15, so to you, those are the reasons why someone should have to feel embarrassed?

I don't think i understand

Please keep in mind there is often a very big difference between a female virgin in her mid-20s and a male virgin of the same age.

If they are saving it, they will view it one way. But if they couldn't give it away, they will probably view it differently.

^^^ And that's the difference. g84, you have made a conscious decision to hold on to your virginity. You could lose it today, if you chose to. Most of the guys your age who are virgins don't want to be virgins, and wish they were not, but don't have much of a choice in the matter, aside from prostitution.

[DropToZero]

Because it isn't a special thing.

 

It represents you not doing something. That is it.

 

I personally would love to get rid of it, but I haven't found anyone willing to help me out.

 

LoL... how wrong that is... hopefully you learn before you lose your v-card too...

 

Sorry... OP, keep your virginity. Coming from someone who HAS has meaningless sex enough times with random girls and skewed my own point of view in the past on sexual intimacy... you're better off waiting til marriage.

 

You shouldn't feel embarrassed... society should feel embarrassed for the crap they've pushed on teens at a younger and younger age to get laid... in turn causing more problems... not helping them.

 

Sorry, again... I know there will be someone to argue against me(because not everyone takes it as far as I have)... but you're talking to someone who disconnected himself from sexual intimacy so much--that I rarely even feel urges to have sex nearly as much as I did and I'm still in my 20's, and I get nothing but the "physical" aspect and no connection with my fiance(we are waiting to have sex til marriage now). Not to mention how it screwed relationships up even...

 

Just... don't feel embarrassed, be proud, and keep it that way. It's something society and friends(possibly) are going to try and tear down each and every day of your life until you lose it... it's not easy, but worth it if you really wait.

[jonny15]

How am I wrong?

 

Sex is something we should all have.

 

Waiting till marriage is pointless.

 

And how would you know anyways consider you seem to say you get it alot.

 

Do you know what it's like not to get it?

[heatspreader]

How am I wrong?

 

Sex is something we should all have.

 

Waiting till marriage is pointless.

 

And how would you know anyways consider you seem to say you get it alot.

 

Do you know what it's like not to get it?

 

I know what it's like to not get it. I was 20 before I had sex. I went all through highschool with all of my friends having multiple girlfriends and I barely had one, and being the odd one who hasn't done it yet. I also had sex for the first time with someone who was practically a stranger. Sure not everyone would feel this way, but I felt like crap about it. It seems more comforting to wait for someone who loves you and desires you.

 

Your views of sex are obviously different than others. Why should people have to feel embarrassed because they are waiting to do what they feel is right. Not everyone has the same thought process, and some people get put down because others don't think the same way. Not one person in this world is the same, but yet we continue to punish ourselves because of it.

[jonny15]

It doesn't make any sense.

 

Other than someone being religious, virginity shouldn't be put on a pedestal.

 

It's sex, and sex is a part of human nature.

 

This love thing is almost a joke.

 

Who says you'll ever fall in love?

 

Are you suppose to never have it if it you don't fall in love?

[heatspreader]

It doesn't make any sense.

 

Other than someone being religious, virginity shouldn't be put on a pedestal.

 

It's sex, and sex is a part of human nature.

 

This love thing is almost a joke.

 

Who says you'll ever fall in love?

 

Are you suppose to never have it if it you don't fall in love?

 

You are only proving my point

[g84]

It doesn't make any sense.

 

Other than someone being religious, virginity shouldn't be put on a pedestal.

 

It's sex, and sex is a part of human nature.

 

If someone wants to wait (it can be for a number of reasons), it's up to the person to decide.

No one has any right to tell someone that they "shouldn't" wait.

[g84]

thanku everyone for your replies

[Lecturer]

You certainly shouldn't feel embarrassed or bad if you choose to not have sex. It doesn't make you less of a person, that's for sure.

 

As for the right time, here are my own opinions of when/with whom to lose it, from best to worst:

 

1. When you're in love, with the person you're in love with, and able to deal with the possible consequences (stds, pregnancy)

2. With a friend that you have some invested emotional feelings with (trust)

3. In any relationship

4. With a ONS

5. After marriage

 

I think its best to be in love so that you never regret it, and so that you are 100% comfortable. Short of love, I would hope that you at least have some bond with the person, and there is a good deal of trust there.

 

The worst possible thing I can think of is to wait until marriage - particularly if you consider yourself a sexual person. Sexual incompatibility is probably the most prevalent cause of marital turmoil, possibly divorce too. The whole point of courting/dating is to get to know a person to determine your compatibility. Deciding to marry is a WAY more important and larger decision than buying a car or a house... but you'd never buy a car without test driving it and you'd never buy a house without checking it over.

[g84]

For a long time, i never really worried about this at all. It's within the last year that i started to wonder if i should feel bad, somehow. I think most of my friends have had sex, and they've never put me down at all. I've not felt any pressure from any person in particular. I think i just started feeling bad after learning about the types of judgements that some people make about this topic. I've (stupidly) allowed a lot of things to get under my skin, and i feel really damaged now. It doesn't seem to go away. : [

[Jadewhisper]

You know, I'm in a similar situation. I sympathize with you. It's like people look at you like a third ear is growing out of your forehead. Honestly....(for example)just because I haven't really gone on an actual date does not invalidate myself.

 

It's incredibly frustrating because I feel no one really understands what I am feeling. I have all these positive qualities: intelligence, beauty, honesty, many hobby interests, able to make small talk and conversation, etc. But to the guys I've met, that doesn't matter.....but it's who I am and I am not going to simply change me so I can join the "experienced" club. I seem to keep running into the selfish guys. (I can't entirely blame them for being selfish since everyone wants someone to love.)

 

Cheer up there. Try to focus on you.

[DropToZero]

How am I wrong?

 

Sex is something we should all have.

 

Waiting till marriage is pointless.

 

And how would you know anyways consider you seem to say you get it alot.

 

Do you know what it's like not to get it?

 

 

Like the other guy said... you do a great job of proving *our* points with your own words.

 

"How would you know consider you seem to say you get it a lot"--- it's called --hindsight is 20/20 If you aren't learning from your mistakes, you aren't learning anything.

 

Yes I do... I've given it up for 8 months now. I'm quite proud and even more fulfilled knowing I'm waiting for the right time and person.

 

Sex is like fire... it's good when under control in the right conditions, but horrible when out of control. You and I live in a society where this fire is quite out of control... I heard a recent study saying 9 out of 10 couples now sleep together before marriage... there's also plenty more problems because of this that would be much more rare if people DID wait until marriage.

 

Anyways... I know, you obviously not having had sex do not... you claim we put virginity on a pedestal... you put sex on a pedestal like almost every other person in mainstream culture... what makes you different?

[jonny15]

Yes I do... I've given it up for 8 months now. I'm quite proud and even more fulfilled knowing I'm waiting for the right time and person.

 

I just don't see how not having sex is something to be proud of.

 

Sex is like fire... it's good when under control in the right conditions, but horrible when out of control. You and I live in a society where this fire is quite out of control... I heard a recent study saying 9 out of 10 couples now sleep together before marriage... there's also plenty more problems because of this that would be much more rare if people DID wait until marriage.

 

Anyways... I know, you obviously not having had sex do not... you claim we put virginity on a pedestal... you put sex on a pedestal like almost every other person in mainstream culture... what makes you different?

 

There is no need at all to wait till marriage.

 

That isn't gonna somehow make it better.

 

It's gonna get you locked into a legal battle if you two don't get along and want to get divorced tho.

 

And how is sex like fire?

 

Fire is bad, sex is good.

 

The more sex the better.

[DropToZero]

I just don't see how not having sex is something to be proud of.

 

 

 

There is no need at all to wait till marriage.

 

That isn't gonna somehow make it better.

 

It's gonna get you locked into a legal battle if you two don't get along and want to get divorced tho.

 

And how is sex like fire?

 

Fire is bad, sex is good.

 

The more sex the better.

 

 

Because, when you've given in like the rest of society... and for some reason think giving IN to every single urge is the RIGHT thing to do... a certain power comes with learning how to control these urges. Obviously again, everyone has a certain degree of control depending on the person--but almost everyone knows if you give into every single urge--you're going to quickly bring about your own demise(gluttony, lust, addictions etc..)

 

There is plenty of need to wait til marriage--and I don't even have to tell you the spiritual benefits.

 

1) I don't have to worry about having kids too early

2) I don't have to worry about having kids outside of marriage

3) I wouldn't have to worry about getting an STD(having only 1 partner each)

4) I wouldn't be the way I am now(sexually disconnected and emotionally disconnected)

 

Now...some of these reasons are more personal to me I know, but... you tell me jonny15... how many problems are there in(at least my US culture) where STDs are out of control, abortions are used and as available as pot, and kids are raised without fathers, mothers, or both since society's done a good job destroying the need for a family.

 

And of course I know this wouldn't fix all the problems... but a damn good deterrence--yes. It's quite hard for parents to teach their kids abstinence til marriage--when society is handing out condoms... it's also harder when they don't have parents.

 

Our non-sex life is going to get us into a legal battle? lol Do you ever talk to your partners? Do you know what communication is? Besides the fact that we've given it up before--we know what we each are *expecting* sexually in marriage... it's called talking it out... something most couples won't do these days before marriage(and yes, then do go head first into marriage resulting in a crash from expectations that aren't met). And yes, I do know--my expectations are not always going to be met, I'm ready and willing to accept that at times--it's part of marriage to see your partner happy even if you have to sacrifice your own sometimes.

 

"Fire is bad, sex is good"

"The more sex the better"

 

Fire can be a good thing... do you not value the warmth you get from home furnaces? I said it needs to be in control... otherwise you're not going to value the warmth that's tearing apart your home and personal belongings(reminds you of divorce eh?). You need to re-read the last post.

 

Jonny... "the more sex the better" if you keep that mindset(if you ever do start to figure out what women want) and have sex... you're going to put yourself on a one way road to destruction. You're holding it on a pedestal, again not unlike most of society these days... but you will wind up with an STD or child before you want it--even given the fact that you practice safe sex--the odds are against you over time(and if you don't believe me, talk to someone ELSE you know who's pregnant--but didn't mean to get pregnant).

 

Just a personal note, I've got... 3 friends at work-- all 3 of them were not married with their girlfriends, all 3 of them knocked up their girlfriends and I'm glad they're damn good men who will stay with their kids... but the girlfriends... that's possibly a different story. 1 already got married out of wedlock... is that what you want to take a chance of? For something you haven't even ever experienced?

[jonny15]

It's not about giving in. It's about human nature.

 

Sex is a normal and natural thing to do.

 

There is nothing wrong with it.

 

Be it in a marriage or not, it's natural.

 

 

 

I never had any partners.

 

 

 

There is a risk in everything in life.

 

You do realize that even if you slow down before every stop sign, and use your turn signals properly, you could still get killed today when you drive?

 

It doesn't mean you shouldn't drive. Nor does this mean you need to be married or in love to have sex.

[MD Geist]

I think it depends on why your a virgin.

 

From what I know for a woman its much easer for them because they don't have worry about things like premature ejacluation and other complications not to mention pleasing the woman the first time around.

 

I have heard some many success storys where women waited their whole lives and have had a successful relationship, with a guy it has been nothing but a disaster in all the cases I have heard.

 

I'm a virgin I really don't think any woman would really understand why. From my experience it has prevent me from dating because I have no "experience" to please them sexually. So they either laugh at me or reject because i'm a virgin.

[DropToZero]

It's not about giving in. It's about human nature.

 

Sex is a normal and natural thing to do.

 

There is nothing wrong with it.

 

Be it in a marriage or not, it's natural.

 

 

 

I never had any partners.

 

 

 

There is a risk in everything in life.

 

You do realize that even if you slow down before every stop sign, and use your turn signals properly, you could still get killed today when you drive?

 

It doesn't mean you shouldn't drive. Nor does this mean you need to be married or in love to have sex.

 

Again, I never said sex was the problem... and if that's what I made it out to be, I apologize... but I thought it was quite clear I was saying the mentality and out of control issue of how to -go about- sex... is the issue.

 

Sex is normal and natural... within certain bounds. We are not the animal kingdom like so many claim... if you think you are, walk up to the next female you see and just try to mount her and find out what happens...I'm not bailing you out of jail... we also have sex face to face, unlike any other creature.

 

In a marriage--it is better protected... that is the point. The commitment should mean much more(even though society's destroyed that too now), and it brings families. Do you know what would happen if families and marriage were not possible? The entire structure would fall apart... and quickly we're doing that... women have 4 periods a year, sooner or later they'll be made infertile because of pills completely. If you didn't have parents at all, because you mother didn't want you, and your father just gave her his seed and left... you'd have a rougher life. In the animal kingdom... you'd probably just die if you didn't have parents.

 

 

 

LoL... you do realize... if you don't stop---and RUN that stop sign---you have a much larger chance of being killed. You should start thinking things through before you say them...

 

Likewise to marriage... and sex... it can easily get out of control... even "safe sex"---isn't safe.