Anyone Else Coming Out The Other Side?

[Rob1000]

After seven of the most horrible months of my life, I'm really glad to say I'm finally coming out the other side and truly moving on with my life. I still have feelings for my ex, and I'm still mourning the loss of the 5 year relationship we had, but over the past 2 weeks, I've really made some huge progress; almost instant-like. It just kinda just hit me, which I never thought was possible.

 

About two weeks ago, it hit me on the head that my feelings had changed towards my ex. It had dawned on me that she wasn't nearly the perfect human being I had placed so highly on a pedestal since she left me. It started to sink in that she wasn't fitting of the love, devotion and all the great things I had to offer. I started to remember the things I didn't like about her and the way she treated me some times. I started to realise that she indeed wasn't right for me. These feelings were beginning to replace the love I had for her. I realised that I had fallen out of love.

 

Like most of the folk on here, I blamed myself for the break up. But over time you realise that you're only saying that, simply because you have lost something, and you dearly want it back. At one point you'd say clouds in the sky are green, if it meant they would come back to you. Once you begin to let go, you really do see that it takes two to destroy a relationship, and you even begin to realise that you weren't nearly as much at fault as you thought.

 

I still love my ex, but I have, without any doubt, fallen out of love with her. I have so many fond memories of what was a great relationship at times. But I also realise that it takes two, and in the end, she didn't want it any more. She wanted to move on, and that is just fine. We'll always have those memories. Our time is up. Just like the giant pizza I ate last night. I enjoyed every bite of it, but in the end it filled me up and I just wasn't able for any more, so it's time to move on and wait until I'm hungry enough for my next giant pizza.

 

I'm writing all this just over a week before I was going to marry this girl. Weird indeed!

 

Onwards and upwards people.

[Talus]

I love pizza

[allgood]

really happy for you man.....good to know your doing well man....

This post and several others really make me look forward to hitting the 6/7 months mark......really happy for you bro

[mr.mac]

Even though I feel bad for you, at times, and I can still tell that you are melancholy, I love the way you express yourself. Keep writing stuff like this! It will only continue to help you.

 

Anyway, you know how I love music and I put it to everything - the Fixer by Pearl Jam has this line in it that makes me so happy "if there's no love, I'm gonna try to love again"

 

Never stop trying to love! And starting with yourself is a great place to start.

[Rob1000]

really happy for you man.....good to know your doing well man....

This post and several others really make me look forward to hitting the 6/7 months mark......really happy for you bro

The 6/7 month mark is only possible with minimum or no contact. I haven't seen my ex since we split up. Just a few emails and 5 minutes on the phone. That has been the biggest help.

[Rob1000]

Even though I feel bad for you, at times, and I can still tell that you are melancholy, I love the way you express yourself. Keep writing stuff like this! It will only continue to help you.

 

Anyway, you know how I love music and I put it to everything - the Fixer by Pearl Jam has this line in it that makes me so happy "if there's no love, I'm gonna try to love again"

 

Never stop trying to love! And starting with yourself is a great place to start.

 

Do you feel bad for me at times, or do you love the way I express myself at times!!?

[mr.mac]

Do you feel bad for me at times, or do you love the way I express myself at times!!?

 

I feel bad for you because I can relate to your inner-struggle, but I always love how expressive you are with your feelings.

[Mustachio]

Hey, congrats on that.... I wish I could say I was at that point now with you.

 

an almost 7 year relationship, a lot of pain along the way, then she left for another guy. Its been almost 3 weeks, but only 8 days since I have spoken to her (literally for just a minute) and only 11 days since I have seen her. I wish I could be where you are. Feeling very depressed right now, and all I can think about is going back and giving it another chance... just dont have any control over that.

 

At least there is hope, because I know what I need to do, is fall out of love with her, just as you have done... It is just so hard to see that it will possible, and the time needed seems unimaginably long.

[allgood]

The 6/7 month mark is only possible with minimum or no contact. I haven't seen my ex since we split up. Just a few emails and 5 minutes on the phone. That has been the biggest help.

 

well i havent spoken to her for 3 months now.... just 1 email from her and 1 email from me fixing everything....i'm hoping not to ever contact her again and really really controlling myself these days on facebook on not to check her profile (7 times this last 2months)......but yeah this 3 months mark is really hard...but your post is a great encouragement...your posts are really well written and express alot of what people feel here. again thanks for the post man..it really helps alot. again really happy for you man

[Rob1000]

well i havent spoken to her for 3 months now.... just 1 email from her and 1 email from me fixing everything....i'm hoping not to ever contact her again and really really controlling myself these days on facebook on not to check her profile (7 times this last 2months)......but yeah this 3 months mark is really hard...but your post is a great encouragement...your posts are really well written and express alot of what people feel here. again thanks for the post man..it really helps alot. again really happy for you man

 

No problem at all. I just post how I feel. If others can take something from it then makes it all the better and makes me feel proud. It has been the worst year of my life but I can finally see the sun coming up again and the dark clouds shifting away. I'm not still not over it, but I can now see a future with some one else in it.

[Rob1000]

Hey, congrats on that.... I wish I could say I was at that point now with you.

 

an almost 7 year relationship, a lot of pain along the way, then she left for another guy. Its been almost 3 weeks, but only 8 days since I have spoken to her (literally for just a minute) and only 11 days since I have seen her. I wish I could be where you are. Feeling very depressed right now, and all I can think about is going back and giving it another chance... just dont have any control over that.

 

At least there is hope, because I know what I need to do, is fall out of love with her, just as you have done... It is just so hard to see that it will possible, and the time needed seems unimaginably long.

Never fight it. Let it take you, let it swamp you. Cry when you need to. Get it out. In time you will feel better. Let your mind and body take care of you. Even though it hurts now, it hurts for a reason. With every tear that rolls down your cheek, its one less bad feeling drifting away. I cried today. Just a little. I didn't fight it. I just let it out, along with some bad feelings. I always feel better.

[susie198]

For me, its been three and a half weeks from the break up. We had sporadic contact but none for the last four days.

 

I feel like I am not struggling at all. I have been a bit flat, but generally ok. I'm not struggling to contact him. I don't want to hear his endearments (they are hollow and mean nothing and would just annoy me), I don't want to talk about what happened, I don't want to talk him round, I don't want to know what he is doing this weekend, even though we were supposed to be going to Rome together. I just don't care that much. Obviously, the thought of him getting it on with another girl, is a bit uncomfortable, but to be honest, my feelings of pity for the poor girl who ends up caught up with him would be stronger than my feelings about him kissing or sleeping with another girl.

 

What I do want to do is leave it all behind me and look to the future and my fabulous life. I look forward to not worrying that I'm not good enough for him, or for having to answer to him all the time. I'm looking forward to new and exciting goals. I'm looking forward to life without him.

 

Weird or what? Maybe its just the way I feel today. But it feels good.

 

Susie.

[arsenic_n_lace]

It’s been almost 7 months for me too and I feel like I’m doing really good and I’m really proud of myself! I made some mistakes, everyone does but hopefully I’ve learned from them. I decided just the other day that I was going to stop obsessing about him and his new gf so much. For the past six months that’s all I’ve been doing and it hasn’t helped me, in fact it’s made me really sad and I’m tired of being sad all the time so now I’m going to be happy. I’m choosing to be happy and to move on with my life!

 

And maybe he’ll contact me again and maybe he won’t, maybe he’ll try to string me along some more and make me feel like maybe there’s hope but I’m not going to let him do that this time. I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t need his approval, I don’t need him to make me feel better or to make me feel happy because I can do that on my own. And maybe one day he will realize what he’s done and that I’m the best girl for him but if he doesn’t, well it’s not the end of the world!

[lostandhurt]

Rob,

Yes I have come out the other side for the most part. The feelings you have are great while they last. The problem comes when you have a set back which you will. The all at once feeling better is acceptance. Try and keep your expectations in check. If you are feeling good right now and in a few weeks you are not doing so good be okay with it. I found that the low points became shorter and shorter and high points longer and longer as I healed and learned. This will most likely happen to you as well.

 

We cannot change the past but we can learn from it. Use this time to become more than you are so when love does find you again you will be able to flourish in all it's splendor.

 

Lost

[nj101]

I honestly dont know when i will be able to come out of the other side and it bothers me greatly to say that.

 

My first girlfriend kept a diary where she said she would always love her first boyfriend, which she of course did not but that is how i feel now with this relationship not working out and i think to myself i know i cant be thinking like that because it is not reality.

 

i know in time i will find another great person, i just dont see now how i can share the things i did with my ex with another pesron. how am i going to flirt with someone else again, how will i share with someone else again, how can i place trust in someone else again. i dont know how i am going to do these things because those were things that i thought were special between myself and my ex. i dont know how to get from a to b

[Hobbes]

people are strange.

[Rob1000]

Rob,

Yes I have come out the other side for the most part. The feelings you have are great while they last. The problem comes when you have a set back which you will. The all at once feeling better is acceptance. Try and keep your expectations in check. If you are feeling good right now and in a few weeks you are not doing so good be okay with it. I found that the low points became shorter and shorter and high points longer and longer as I healed and learned. This will most likely happen to you as well.

 

You're absolutely right Lost. I am now finding the low points are getting shorter and the high points getting longer. I still have my low points, but they don't take over like they used to. I now have some sort of emotional stability which is fantastic. And I know I have definitely fallen out of love with her. I am merely mourning the loss of the relationship now. And yes I still miss her, but the thoughts of wanting her back have completely gone.

[starlight40]

I sure am! Im definitely coming out of the other side now, im feeling much more positive and for the first time in YEARS im beginning to be happy with just being me and being single. Im full NC with my ex, he keeps dropping in with abusive and head gamey texts every now and again to try and unsettle me but its not working, he is in effect been defeated! Nothing he says or does now phases me, i know when hes abusing me that most of the insults he uses to describe me only describe how he feels about himself, he wants to be in my head, he is not, he has lost his control. I will continue to work on myself and how i ended up being involved with such an complete and utter abusive nutter!

[aprilflowers]

It's been 4 months since my fiance shut the door out of the blue without much explanation after 2.5 years together. The beginning weeks were some of the worst - maybe THE worst - experiences of my life. Unbelievable. I know everyone has been there. I've made progress but hit some really bad pockets of despair. Or I slip backwards and let myself believe we'll get back together.

 

I think he's got another chickee, which doesn't bother me all that much now either.

 

It's those pockets - little abyss-like things - when I am driving to work or not distracted enough.

 

I can only have faith I'll reach the bend, go 'round it and know that this pain will lessen, and end one day, and I'll emerge. I have faith. But those pockets...

Thanks for your post.

[susie198]

I hear everyone who is having a hard time. I have dark moments too.

 

However, I think for me what has helped is experience. I've been through it before and I know I can and will heal, no matter how dark the day may seem. I get frustrated sometimes when I feel fed up, but that's just impatience because I just want to get on with my life quickly. I have so much I want to do and sometimes not having the motivation to do it annoys me.

 

For now, I'm setting small goals to get back into things. Each day I try and do something towards my goals. I don't get too annoyed with myself if I don't manage it all, as long as I tried and I enjoyed trying. Its baby steps, but I know it won't be long before I gather momentum again before I'm off and running.

 

A powerful healing tool for me was telling myself it was over. That was hard as we'd been on and off for two years and initially, it felt like just another blip. But I told myself it really was over, done, dusted, part of the past. There was nothing I could do to change it, I had to accept it. I kept telling myself that for the first two weeks. Gradually, I came to accept it. And I think acceptance is the key. Once you accept its over, you can start to finish your grieving and move on. Now if he were to contact me, I'd genuinly wonder why as in my mind, its over and there is no going back now.

 

The past is the past and I focus on living today and on setting goals to make my life, with or without a partner, a fabulous one. I know its going to be tough, require self discipline, but I no longer wish to focus on his needs, what he's thinking, how he feels, why he's doing what he's doing. There is simply no point. He's made his choice and now, he'll have to live without me.

 

I know that he's torn about his decision, but if he doesn't have the ba**s to stand up for us, then he won't have what it takes to maintain a long term relationship - because all relationships have their ups and downs and it takes guts sometimes to stick together through thick and thin. I don't think he has that quality. He'll take the easy option and marry someone subservient so his sense of self importance and omnipotence will never need to be compared or challenged by his partner's own achivements and strength of character.

 

Its time to get selfish. Accept that the person in whom you placed your love, respect and trust has walked away and will not be coming back. But its liberating to accept its over and to look back and see the mind games they played, to see their strengths AND their weaknesses and to know that you did your best, but in the end, they, you cannot make it a match if it simply is not. You cannot keep trying to fix something that is broken - just go out and get a new one lol.

 

Something has died, but its the relationship, not me. I'm still here. I haven't changed. I'm just wounded. But wounds heal and strength returns. Little by little. Day by day.

 

Susie

[Hobbes]

Damn, I have to say after my elated reply to this post yesterday above, today has been very dark and I'm really down and I miss her like crazy, sorry not the right section for this but who am I kidding, I will not be over her in 6 weeks, maybe not even 6 months. Just feel so very blue, hard to explain.. Just wanted to post this hoping it would make me feel better. This is going to be a long ride, I'm taking the right steps but my heart is up and down, hope my body and mind can cope, much pain still to come. Probably good moments too but tonight, it's really tough going.