Struggling w/NC & Being Alone...Need Encouragement

[mcgirl]

I've been struggling w/NC this weekend and I could really use some encouragement.

 

(My tale is here for any background: )

 

I'm struggling w/wanting to reach out to him - he's online right now (yes I know I should block him but I can't take that step just yet). When we've had little flare-ups in the past he's always waited for me to give him the sign it was ok to proceed. I took the lead on how things would play out. I think in my head I'm wondering if he's waiting for me to give him a sign now.

 

I wonder what would I say..."hey" and then see where it went. I guess I would be hoping he'd be receptive to my contact, and of course want to see me to "talk". And of course once we saw each other and talked we'd iron things out (and our mutual attraction would help) and then things would be ok for a couple weeks...till he distanced himself again...and I grew frustrated and angry again...telling myself I'm worth way more than this...I deserve more...etc...

 

Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

 

And in this place where we would end up, I feel I wouldn't be "alone"...at least I'd have "someone"...which is more than I can say right now - when I'm so very alone on a beautiful Sunday morning. However logically I know, even when I was "with" him, I was more alone than not. Reaching out to someone and having them not reach back makes you feel incredibly alone..and lonely. When I would txt, call or reach out to him and he would ignore it, or dismiss it - it was a horrible feeling - I would feel awful about the situation and myself, feel angry, disrespected. He'd get irritated and annoyed by any little contact I made...complaining it was too much...

 

Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

 

Of course I'm assuming that any contact I made would be welcome and wanted - just based on precedent. Theres the real possibility that it wouldn't be. That he might be dismissive - tell me he doesn't see any reason for us to be in contact since we're not together. Or even worse - polite indifference. That would be like pouring salt in my wounds.

 

But I wonder if he was dismissive or painfully indifferent if that would help me close the door. It might be painful in the short term, but then I would know its really over.

 

And naturally there is the hope that he would reach out to me. As crazy as that may be - considering the last 6+ weeks of our relationship he didn't reach out to me at all - so why the bleep would he do it now. But hey... that "hope" concept is a powerful one. So my mind goes on...while I'm typing this, that little window pops up...or an email appears in my inbox. Where he admits he wasnt treating me well, says he misses me... And I would confirm he wasn't treating me well, and reiterate (for the n'th time) that I didn't want all that much. And he'd agree and we'd reconcile. And then those old patterns would reappear in a few weeks. Lack of contact, distance, blah blah. I'd feel angry, frustrated, blah blah.

 

Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

 

Just in the time I've spent typing this, I've started to feel better and the urge is lessening. I went from tears and sobs to none. I still feel like crap - but at least its better crap than before

 

If the few friends I've told were reaching out to me to see how I was doing, offering to listen, offering to come over and just be here - it might help. But they're not. At our game yesterday and hanging out after, no one asked how I was doing. No one seemed to care - wrapped up in their own minutia. I'm not a person who wants or needs attention much, but when I'm struggling it helps me to know what people are there. But clearly they're not. Really reinforces that feeling of alone - and I think drives me to want to contact him.

 

I walked my dog this morning and had thoughts of how we'd be going to breakfast or brunch at that time like we used to. Then I hit my head on a branch and realized I was delusional. Given the way our relationship was the last month or so, this would hardly be the case. Might only happen if we saw each other Sat night...and even then I say "might".

 

Why are good memories - even if there are less of them - more powerful than the bad ones?

 

Sorry this was so long. Thanks for listening.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You are feeling lonely. There are no friends out there for you who really care enough to be there for you in your time of need so you are feeling even more alone. Yep, I know exactly how you are feeling..been down that road before. I swallow my pain and come on here to ENA because there is nobody in my real world I can talk to about what I am feeling. Contacting your ex will just set you up for more heartache. He knows he didn't treat you right and it is up to him to put it right. If he is not stepping up to the plate to put it right then he doesn't care enough to do so. Why bother with someone who doesn't care enough to put himself out for you..to acknowledge what he did to hurt you and to put things right. Initiating contact with someone who doesn't care enough to make amends is pointless because you will just get treated like dirt all over again. He has to really really want to fix things...if he truly wanted to fix things there is nothing that would keep him from contacting you. The fact that he is not means that he hasn't changed a bit...you deserve so much more than that...he is offering you nothing. While lots of people prefer to have a garbage partner than no partner just so that they can say they have someone, I have noticed that most of the people who settle for garbage are unhappier than the people who are single and free from the drama and angst that a garbage person ends up bringing to a relationship.

[mcgirl]

Thanks crazyaboutdogs. Your reply is dead on. I need to keep reading it to try and get over this desire to contact him. It's strong today b/c its the weekend and I'm feeling lonely. Have silly thoughts in my head that if I reach out that gives him a signal that it's ok to start talking again. Sigh...I'm old enough to know better...but sadly age isnt bringing wisdom in this case.

[quirky]

mcgirl, sorry to hear you're hurting this way. Don't contact him. The fact that you haven't got a very active social life amplifies your feelings. I know cos I've been there. It's like nobody really cares, like you are not special. Which is not true. If your friends are good friends talk to them that you need their support a bit more now. Don't feel embarassed to do that.

 

Meeting new people, joining a meetup group maybe, could help though I have been in a predicament that I feel so s**t that the last thing I want is to meet new people and be associated with the miserable person image cos naturally I'm nothing like that!

 

Do not contact him, I mean really.. what's the point? Sounds like he was the uncertain one and it'll be up to him to make the move. Do you really want to guide a man? I've heard THE LOT from my ex, over the top declarations of love, epiphanies and very little action in the end.

 

I'm gonna take a lighter approach and suggest you read these 2 books that are also quite funny but will help you cut the excuses!

 

"he's just not that into you"

"it's called a breakup because it's broken"

 

I will also keep an eye while I'm online to reply to your posts so you don't feel lonely. x

 

Don't go looking for fish at the butcher's.

[coolchick64]

It's hard when you're used to going to him for comfort and companionship. Love the quote about fish at the butcher's----that's about it, huh? So, the solution is to find comfort elsewhere. I don't know if you live in a city, but it might feel good just to walk around, get some coffee, etc., just to be out among other people. That always helps me. And definitely lean on your friends. They'll want to help you and when they know what you're going through, you'll get more invitations. Eventually, your life will fill up with other things. And you always have us : )

[BlueRizla]

mcgirl..

 

I know exactly how you feel. I moved back to my home town after 15 pretty mental years in London. All my friends had moved on, got married etc. My life revolved around looking after two sick relatives and work. I was essentailly a hermit. I worked on my own and had to stay in hotels. I almost felt like Alan Partridge if you know who he is. My social circle was non existent unless I was back working in London for a few days and even then the time away meant my friends there dwindled. I met a girl at home who had a great life and became dependant on her and when we split I felt like I had nothing. It tore me to bits. I thought I was self sufficient until it ended. I mourned not just her but the loss of a lifestyle. Its easily done and I didn't even realise I was doing it.

 

I broke NC quite a few times as I felt I was losing her and lonely. I felt like she had thrown me to the side and cut me off from her friends. It was a double whammy. It was rancid. I also realised that if I hadnt broke NC I'd probably have moved on alot faster and may even have been able to rekindle things. But here's the rub.. I'd still have been depedant on her and her life. What this break has made me do is try and rebuild my life here..for myself. It means a healthier relationship next time. What a bonus to a break up.

 

The thing that helped me begin to find some peace was link removed. I found a group of folk locally and went out for drinks and the movies etc a few times and from there things started falling into place. It was a slow process. It wasnt easy dragging my butt out the first time but its so much easier since then.

 

I also went to a few events, on my own, just to change the scenery and I chatted to people there.. just randoms..but hell..did that remind me that I wasnt totally alone.

 

You can get through this. One day at a time. Dont call today. Tomorrow is tomorrow.

[mgirl]

BlueRizla,

 

Thanks for the info on link removed. Seems good. Maybe you should try it mcgirl! Like your username btw, very similiar to mine

[Nicole2009]

My friends are tired of hearing me talk about it.

Sometimes it just consumes me.

I am sooo thankful for ENA

I started NC today @ 3:30.

We're here for you

[KiNo]

Count me in! I went through those hard days in hell, now my life is back! I was same like you, alone, no friends, totally depend on my ex for happiness, I almost collapse at the beginning, I went thru NC alone, its been 2 month of long run in the hell, just keep heading straight!

[mcgirl]

Thanks quirky girl. Love the quote at the end of your post

 

I've shared our breakup w/a few good friends and I guess I'm just disappointed in their level of support. I'm always there for them when they need an ear or need someone to act as a sounding board...but when I need someone...I get cliches and general bland statements like "you're better off" and then they are back to talking about some other topic they prefer. It's frustrating you know - my b/f didn't pay any attn to me, and now my friends aren't too??

 

The urge to contact is strong - but I have to just take it day by day. What's the point exactly right? It's not like after 7 days apart he's going to have some epiphany about how he was treating me.

 

Thanks again - this site has been very important to me not feeling quite so alone today.

[mgirl]

I'm always there for them when they need an ear or need someone to act as a sounding board...but when I need someone...I get cliches and general bland statements like "you're better off" and then they are back to talking about some other topic they prefer.

 

You know, i think you're better off keeping them for now. Use them for support, hang around with them until you feel better. And, then, re-evaluate your friendship with them.

[aprilflowers]

I have also struggled with a terrible break up four months ago after almost 3 years together, with sporadic contact from my ex, not much closure and the knowledge that I still love the guy. There is a fearful quality about loneliness. It's very complicated - I haven't figure out if it's actual fear of being alone or fear of the moment when you are alone.

One thing I did notice is that the disquiet is worse at certain times - like when I'm lying in bed brooding away. It can grow, and that's not good - because you may be building something and drawing conclusions that aren't realistic or helpful.

I have learned that this is the time to STOP that process. Get up and rearrange the closet or clear the soapdish. Do something that is useful, but small. I swear, I have done this and it helped a little.

But mostly, I sympathize with you. It's just really crummy. God bless you.:sad:

[JonasWaingaro]

Early on when I got those urges I wrote long letters. Poured it all out. It helped and got me pasted the 'I gotta do something moments', well mostly. Posting here helped as well.

 

It's so true that we discover who real friends are in a crisis. I've found that some aren't quite what I thought. Eye opening, and a little sad. Remember you have friends here. The folks here will listen. Hang in there!

[mcgirl]

@mgirl - The friends I'm frustrated by usually are better than they are being now. I will definitely remember this the next time any of them has a problem.

 

@aprilflowers - Lying in bed thinking gets me too. I've found mornings are harder on me than evenings - but I think it's just lying there and its all quiet causes the mind to wander down roads we probably shouldnt go.

 

@jonas - Can you tell I've spent a lot of time on here today. Had I not had this resource I probably would have contacted him by now and made a complete fool of myself.

[quirky]

It's so true that we discover who real friends are in a crisis. I've found that some aren't quite what I thought. Eye opening, and a little sad. Remember you have friends here. The folks here will listen. Hang in there!

 

This is SO true. We've got a saying here "you can tell a good captain in bad weather" (by the way that also helped me leave my ex)

 

I've distanced myself from a couple of people and it took me a while to accept it. It was painful to understand the power of being self sufficient and also to deeply accept that "noone saves us, we save ourselves". There had actually been times where I said to friends "It'd really help if we talk more often, go out a bit more, just to get my mind of things". Have you tried saying that? Don't hesitate to ask for support, if you don't ask they assume you're alright.

 

During these times you come to great realisations. I mean, I haven't felt alone in like 10 years, it was a shock for me! I was hoping my girlfriends would say "wear a dress, nice heels and we'll go out for a dance", never did and even though I suggested it we still didn't do it. Soon I realised that they were much more introverted than me and very consumed in their own life/issues. I'm now making new friends. I have to be honest, I was able to venture out on days when I felt a little better.

 

Look for meetup groups, sites that gear towards your interests, put stickies up; I've got one that says "stand up and fight-NOTHING is gonna break you". Change your desktop wallpaper;mine says "each and every step you take must move you towards your goal" and basically see yourself as your new friend! It's play time!! Do your hair, take sexy pictures, try a new make up even if you're not totally into these girly things. Read a mystery book, dance, cry. Check other guys online just for time to pass. It's a case of the action coming before the thinking.

 

Another thing that helped me was to imagine what would I be doing if my ex didn't exist? What would I be thinking? dreaming? working towards? I was thinking of a time when I was his everything, his princess, when we were one, loved up, bla bla bla. But I can wake up and smell the STENCH now. It ain't like that any more. Whether I understand it or not, feel s**t about it or not all I've got is the present and a chance to live a moment. And he ain't gonna damage me, noone will!!

 

wow, this is long I really hope it helps a bit..(even if not now maybe in some time later) x

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I hear you. In life you have to be your own best friend. What I have found is that you can often count more on strangers and casual acquaintances during bad times than you can on people you thought were your friends. My ex never really existed for me..it was as much a sham as his marriage. It was all superficial fluff for his ego boost..he barely put in any effort..he just played to my personality..knew he could give very little and that would be enough given my giving and warm personality. He played me, has played his community, plays everyone..they are his entertainment. He has no conscience about what he does..it is all just one big act.

[quirky]

I hear you. In life you have to be your own best friend. What I have found is that you can often count more on strangers and casual acquaintances during bad times than you can on people you thought were your friends. My ex never really existed for me..it was as much a sham as his marriage. It was all superficial fluff for his ego boost..he barely put in any effort..he just played to my personality..knew he could give very little and that would be enough given my giving and warm personality. He played me, has played his community, plays everyone..they are his entertainment. He has no conscience about what he does..it is all just one big act.

 

I wonder why that is? Maybe it's harder for them because they know you and get affected by your situation?

 

CAD-shame your ex was like that, how strange..did you not have an intuition at some point?

 

Here's link about emotionally unavailable men, some might relate

 

link removed

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I wonder why that is? Maybe it's harder for them because they know you and get affected by your situation?

 

CAD-shame your ex was like that, how strange..did you not have an intuition at some point?

 

Here's link about emotionally unavailable men, some might relate

 

link removed

 

I have found that I was always there for the people who I thought were my friends...when they asked for help or advice I was there for them..it was almost like they thought that I was the strong one and therefore I shouldn't have any troubles of my own..and if I did I should be able to handle it myself..how dare I ask them for help..I was there to serve them. I think it was a matter of selfishness. My observations of these "friends" is that they are like that with others as well...take but give very little.

 

As for my ex...I always had a gut feeling something was amiss..but the intellectual connection we had was unlike anything I have ever had with anyone else..so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I realize now that intelligence is nothing if it is not backed up with integrity, honesty, openness and a sense of humanity and compassion and empathy for others.

[mcgirl]

I have found that I was always there for the people who I thought were my friends...when they asked for help or advice I was there for them..it was almost like they thought that I was the strong one and therefore I shouldn't have any troubles of my own..and if I did I should be able to handle it myself..how dare I ask them for help..I was there to serve them. I think it was a matter of selfishness. My observations of these "friends" is that they are like that with others as well...take but give very little.

 

I think these are my friends in a nutshell. I have been through a lot of [bleep] in my life so yes I am strong. And they view me as the "go-to" person for advice and "wisdom". But that doesn't mean I don't feel weak at times - no one is strong 100% of the time. I have reached out but I feel like I'm getting so little back in return. Honestly I don't want a lot (gee this sounds familiar). Just someone to txt and ask if I'm doing ok. Someone to offer to come over and drink some wine, or walk to go get coffee some nite. Its frustrating. My b/f couldn't be troubled to pay me a little attn and now my so called friends act the same way.

[jbrooklyn]

This is me and my life tootalllly. I didnt think I would meet someone who could understand what I go thru. All the up and downs...the feelings,....the thought process....the tough mornings...the back and forth....the wanting to talk to the ex even though it would end the same. Now the lonliness....the missing him...the wishing and hoping....and hurt and pain. I just wish it would go away. I try to enjoy life and I work on it everyday but I can tell you that I love him and miss him so much that it is just not the same with out him. When he is there, I am not happy and when he is gone I am not happy. This guy has touched my life in ways no one will ever touch me again. I will just be glad when my days are normal and he is not dancing inside my head. That will be wonderful. Tired of the pain