What if you're the dumper and not the dumpee?

[DrNick]

Most of the advice here is very well thought out and is based on a good understanding of human psychology. However, the no contact rule only works if you are the dumpee. If you are the dumper, then very different considerations apply. If you have dumped someone and then realise you've made a mistake, how do you go about fixing it? Obviously the no contact rule won't work, because since you've just separated from your ex, they're not expecting you to contact them anyway. Furthermore, what if you contact them and they're cold to you, because you've hurt them and they don't trust you? Being in this situation at the moment, I believe the only thing a person can do is be honest with their ex, admit that they were wrong and apologise to the ex for breaking their trust. Then let the ex come to their own conclusion. However, I do believe the no badgering, begging, etc. rule still applies. Does anyone agree/disagree with this approach?

[disEnchantid]

hey nick!

You are very brave posting here as the dumper! haha, I'm just kidding, everyone is welcome here. I think that there is nothing wrong with going back to the person and admitting you made a mistake...but...be prepared for them to tell you that you had your shot & you blew it, and PLEASE make sure you REALLY want them back, because if you break this person's heart again it will be that much worse for them. So out of respect for their feelings, think it through long and hard and then give this person a call and ask to talk to them in person.

 

best of luck

 

dE

[lisaria]

Hey DrNick,

You ARE a brave man posting here. Good advice again dis.

Let me ask a few questions. How long were you together and how long have you been apart? What made you think you did not want to be with the other person? Is that issue still there?

Like dis said, you have to be careful with her feelings. Make sure you know what you want before contacting her. Don't hurt her again and expect it to be hard. You've taken her trust away. It takes time to build that back up. But if you really want her then you will do it. You will follow through on the actions after you've said the words. Don't get lazy about building it back up.

I wish you luck.

Lisa

[avman]

Hello DrNick,

 

Yes you are on the right track. No contact of course would not apply in this situation. You would need to swallow your pride, go talk to your ex, explain everything, and then ask them for forgiveness. Then you have to be big enough to take the consequences of your actions earlier. They may be hurt, angry, confused, distrustful, and downright unpleasant to you for awhile. And they are entitled to all of those feelings. But if you realize you've made a mistake, thats the best you can do. Then its up to your ex to decide whether to try the relationship again, or not.

[DrNick]

In answer to everyones questions...

Firstly, calling myself the dumper is a little harsh. We had been having issues for a couple of months, and things had got to the point where she was avoiding me. I decided that we both needed some time apart to rethink the relationship, because we were both acting destructively. I told her this and while she was upset, she agreed that it would be for the best. I think she was shocked that I suggested some time apart. My gut feeling (with the benefit of hindsight) is that she withdrew her affection in order to get me to correct my behaviour. I don't think she intended a break up. After we broke up, I made a point of staying in contact with her, to show her that my intentions were honest (ie. when I said a temporary breakup, I meant it, it wasn't an excuse to break things off completely). At first she seemed friendly. However, after a few days she started becoming cold and distant. At first I took this as meaning I was crowding her, so I gave her some space. This seemed to have an unintended effect. The more I kept away from her, the angrier and colder she seemed to become every time I spoke to her. After a fortnight, I tried to talk to her about our relationship. She wouldn't talk to me so in a fit of anger and annoyance, I decided to try to move on. That was almost 2 weeks ago. In total, we have been apart for one month, and we went out for about 5 months. I still have strong feelings for her, and I think she does for me. As a friend told me (for what it's worth), if she didn't have strong feelings for me, she wouldn't be acting so coldly towards me.

The circumstances which agve rise to our problems aren't easy to explain. I had some family commitments which prevented me from seeing her often. She felt I was putting my family before her. I told her that my commitments were unusual and I was helping out my family during a troubled time, and that she should understand. At first she was quite understanding, but after about 1 month her attitude markedly changed. After one month of her being cold and aloof (although she kept seeing me), that's when I decided we needed some time apart. Have my family commitments ended? Almost... probably a month to go before the situation will resolve. Perhaps she thought my "family commitments" were just an excuse?

[faeriechyld]

I agree, naming you the "dumper" is a tad harsh. The fact is everyone plays the role of the dumper at least some point in their lives, so labeling you is extremely unfair.

 

From your second post, I think you were both in the wrong. You for reacting on spur-of-the-moment emotion and her for not communicating better her feelings to you and instead being cold and distant. I might get flamed for this, but isn't it the saying "it takes two to tango"? Well, I am a strong believer that it takes 2 to make a relationship and two to break it. Yes, normally, one person actually makes the "official" break from a person, but I think that both people cause the relationship to fail...or don't do things that would help it to succeed. Which was the case with her, she wouldn't communicate her feelings to you.

 

Other advice you've gotten is right in other ways though. Although I still stand by two people making or breaking a relationship, since you were the one who actually said the words "it's over" or something along those lines, you do need to apologize to your ex. And after that the ball is completely in her court with whether she'd like to try again.

 

A note of warning: If you do get back with your ex, try to keep the lines of communication open and help her to do so. If she feels like she can't communicate with you for whatever reason, you may very well end right back where you are now. It may be something she has to square with on her own though, but any help you can offer her may do more than you think.

 

Best wishes!

[Nimrod]

I know exactly how you feel.

 

I borke up with my ex after a year and 5 months because we had huge fighting issues, and I gave us time apart to rethink the relationship.

but she didn't understand, and she's had a new boyfriend for 3 weeks, and in the time we broke up I had explained to her what I Was doing cause I Wanted her to do it on her own if I told her I was afraid she would fake it. But now she says it's too late for all of the explanations, she still tells me she cares about me and she doesn't wanna lose me as a friend.

 

We still have alot of fun together and she told her friend yesterday that she misses me, but she likes her boyfriend alot. I don't know what to make of that, she's afraid I'm gonna hurt her again, but in the past month we have never fought and it was all fun, we always talk about our past times together, and today I bought her lunch and dinner at the mall, I alos bought her some stuff and walked her home in the rain, I still do so much for her but all she can do is say she misses me... I want to get her back, like she calls me the nicest guy ever and asks me to hang out all the time.

 

what should I do? how should I take all of this, will I get her back doing this, or is there another way?

[LoW_rIdeR]

OK, this just happened to me about a month ago so this really hits home. I was with the girl for about 5 months, dumped her, then realized it was the wrong choice. Basacly swallow your pride, and talk to her. For me it came to telling her i loved her and she saw how emotional i was about it and that i was sincere. She still had feelings for me so it worked out.

 

the main thing is to forget your pride, it will kill you here

[strong1]

OH yesss. Swallow your pride and forget about any labels you feel are being imposed upon you here. And concentrate on what is important to you here, I hope, your girlfriend.

 

She is acting cold as she is hurt, deeply. Women do not understand that work or your family is your priority..under ANY circumstances. She would love, I'm sure, to be there for you during this time. Not being able to help....or being cast aside (whether you mean to or not) is demeaning for a gal. We appreciate your dedication to work and family...but if you are not able to balance a woman (us) with other life pressures, it is a signal to her that something may be drastically wrong in the relationship. She probably thinking..will he ALWAYS find something else more important than me?

 

You said earlier that you 'knew her' and that she would not like anything 'mushy.' But if you knew her all that well..you would not be in this situation. So please, please, be open to the suggestions of other posters..esp women who have 'been there!' : ) You might be pleasantly surprised. So, swallow pride, admit you made some mistakes, don't come on too strong..show her with your ACTIONS not just your words. And watch what happens!

 

Any comments on my recent post (as I my guy, too, has 'work/family' challenges like you) would be most appreciated.

[Nimrod]

yeah but what if they have had a boyfriend for 3 weeks who they really like.

and yet still miss you and want to hang out with you all the time?

 

does this information still apply to that.

 

cause I really want to get her back

[DrNick]

Thanks to everyone who posted. I know what I need to do now. I've tried talking to her but she's blown me off a couple of times. Obviously things are too sensitive at the moment for a face to face conversation. I am going to write her a letter. I know some people think this is a cop out, but it lets me put what I'm feeling down in writing, and it lets her think about what I've said without requiring her to answer on the spot. Also (and some of you may laugh at this), there is something a little romantic about writing, which I'm hoping will sway the balance. Wish me luck! I'll let you know if anything comes of it.

[DrNick]

OK, so I wrote the letter and sent it. It wholeheartedly apologised for my behaviour. It didn't blame her for anything, and it didn't assume we would get back together. It simply said that I wanted her to see the letter as the first step towards repairing our relationship. I asked her to call me if she wanted to talk about it. No reply from her. After 3 days I saw her, largely by chance, and she became visibly upset when she saw me (not upset in an angry way, just in a "I'm not ready to deal with this" way). We exchanged a little small talk, but I could tell she wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. I didn't bring up my letter, because it was an emotion charged moment and I know that forcing some sort of answer out of her would have been counter productive. We both walked away and that was the end of it. Where to now? Any advice greatly appreciated. For those of you who haven't read the earlier posts, I broke up with her, so I don't think no contact will work here. Do I need to make more of an effort? Every time I try to talk to her, she gets upset and wants to walk away. Her behaviour is frustrating and isn't making either of us feel better. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

[faeriechyld]

I know it's difficult, but, you need to let her come to you on her own. You've written the letter, apologized, let her know how you feel...it's her time now. She has to figure out how she feels about the whole thing, if she's even willing to talk to you yet, etc etc etc. Pushing it is only going to make it worse and she may start resenting you. The ball is in her court now. I know it's difficult to sit and do nothing, but if you don't let her come to you on her own, and she comes back only because you pushed her, she's going to be unhappy with anything you two decide on.

[strong1]

Please understand that she's probably still very hurt from when she felt you 'pushed her away' or 'neglected her' when you were busy. Yes, I know you didn't intend to do that..but life is less about reality and more about perceptions. So, don't 'let this set' too long. Gentle nudges and letting her know you care are called for. And yes, more than a few contacts will be necessary. No big pushes...just gently let her know you care, you are thinking about her, have reset your priorities, etc.

 

She needs you to prove that you know you could have handled your busy time a bit better. When a woman is hurt, she will often shut down emotionally push YOU away. This is the time we need your understanding and attention the most. When she's ready to talk..just let her spew...and don't try to defend yourself. It's hard..but if you want her back....

[DrNick]

I seem to be getting conflicting advice here. Some say I should try to maintain contact, others say I should give it time. As luck would have it (or perhaps bad luck), a mutual friend has taken it upon themselves to act as a mediator. She told me that my ex didn't want to speak to me at the moment, and that the best thing I could do would be to give her space. I agree with this approach, because I am scared that my hanging around will only sour things further. I agree that I should be supportive, but perhaps in this case, being supportive is respecting her need to be left alone. Of course, I run into her sometimes because of the nature of our work, but at those times I have been civil, yet I've never ignored her, and I've never raised even a hint of our relationship. It has been kept strictly professional. I hope this is the right approach. Any thoughts?

[DrNick]

A quick update. I have mainatained minimal contact for the past few days, to give her room to do what she wants. Yesterday she avoided me, today she came and joined a group of people I was talking to, but didn't really acknowledge my presense. This behaviour is disconcerting. Why is she doing this? On the one hand, she professes that she doesn't want to come near me. On the other hand, she sort of hangs around the periphery, many times in situations where she doesn't have to be near me. She then makes a point of ignoring me if I try to be polite to her. It's very frustrating. Does anyone know why this is happening?

[strong1]

In my humble opinion..you ditched her..she's hurt..and she's making you pay for it. You know what it's like when you've been hurt..and then the person who hurt you starts being nice? Or..hmm..what if somebody tackled you in football...kneed you in the groin REALLY HARD. It would make you mad..right? If they came up to you the next day..all nicey nice..how would you react? Do you test them to see if they're being genuine...or if they're just faking it to be your buddy again? You probably wouldn't be their friend again..right away..right?

 

That's what she's doing. Be nice, smile at her..say nice things. She wouldn't come up to you (even in a group) if she hated you.

[DrNick]

Thanks for the advice strong1. One of my female friends (we bounce relationship problems off each other to get the "other sides" perspective) told me something similar. However, I needed reassurance because I don't want to get my hopes up. I have strong feelings for this girl and if I give myself hope and nothin eventuates, I might end up an emotional wreck. So it's better to play it cool and not get my hopes up too much. However, I'm going to continue to be nice to her. Hopefully she will break down eventually. At this point I'[m not even looking to rekindle the relationship, I would just be happy if we could be friends again.

[strong1]

I think she WILL want you back (in a romantic sense) eventually. If that is what you desire...then keep being nice to her, open to her advances....do NOT mention ANYTHING about 'friendship' or you''d better duck and cover as she'll give you an emotional pummeling! : )

 

If you DO want a romantic relationship for her..you'll need to be nice to her..and wait PATIENTLY for her to come back..just as she waited for your time to free up earlier. You can't rush things. If you love her, you'll give her time, be there for her...be cheerful..and even suck it up a bit when she gives you a bit of a hard time. Admitting you could have handled your 'space/time' issues better would be music to her ears. Trust me.

[DrNick]

Thanks Strong1. What you said in your last post suddenly cleared some stuff up for me! In talking to my female friend, she told me that my ex would be insulted if I asked to get back together. She said that if I offered friendship at first, I would have a much better chance of success. Obviously I'm getting very different input from different people. So in my letter to my ex, I told her that I missed her, etc. However, I now realise that the fatal line may have been "I hope we can rekindle our friendship" I only put that line in on the advice of this female friend. Now I understand why she's so upset. She obviously saw the friendship line as an insult and as me implying that I no longer had any romantic interest in her. *sigh* This has been a littany of mistakes from the start. All I can do now is be nice to her and hope that she cools down over time. I think I've meddled enough for the time being. Now going back to her and saying "when I said friendship, I didn't mean only friendship" will sound hollow and smack of someone who is trying different "tricks" to get her back. Let this be a lesson to everyone The truth is always the best policy.

[strong1]

One word is not going to ruin a relationship...don't worry about the 'friendship' thing.

 

She is testing you..and that is not a bad thing as you BOTH need to make certain that this relationship is best for you. You need to make sure you want her back for what she is..and how you feel about her..and not just because you don't want to get ditched. And she needs to make certain that SHE Is the most important thing in your life.

 

There is nothing you can say that will change her mind overnight....actions speak louder than words. You can tell her you have changed..but SHOWING her is better. Be kind, smile...bring up little things that had meaning to you both in the past...for instance...if you pass a restaurant...and you see that they are serving her favorite dish...and next time you see her..you can say..'Giorgio's is serving that pasta with fresh pesto..it's that time of year again. That's the dish you really like..right?' I know these little things sound stupid and shallow..but showing her you really did listen to her..think about her..remember little tiny, seemingly minute things..will mean the world to her. And open her heart bit by bit. Emotional triggers mean a great deal to some woman. And dropping into the conversation from time to time comments like 'wow, my schedule got a bit out of hand there..but it's getting back on track now' could be useful. It's a way to tell her that you understand her feelings that you did not have time for her.

 

You'll be fine! Her joining your group to talk was a v. good sign.

[DrNick]

Thanks Strong1. I suppose the problem with being friendly is that

1. she will only approach me if I am in a group with other people; and

2. when we're in a group, she makes a show of ignoring me, to the point where other people comment on it.

 

Of course, I understand that this probably means she is testing me, but in such an environment, the best I can do is be civil to her. Sharing personal moments together is not an option at the moment. Hopefully, over time, she will soften, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

[DrNick]

A quick update. Today she came into work and she was wearing some clothing that we had bought together (well, together is an exaggeration, she had dragged me shopping This is the first time I've seen her wearing something that is associated with me since we broke up. I don't know whether it's a good sign or a bad sign. On the one hand, it could mean she's thinking about me and has calmed down. On the other hand, it could mean that she is over me! The most likely reason is that I'm reading too much into every little event and movement

[strong1]

Approaching you only when you are in a group is a way for her to use them as a 'security blanket' when she feels threatened. She's not ready for a one on one conversation with you at this stage it seems.

 

Her being aloof is also just her trying to hide her feelings...be they good or bad. (and I think they are improving.) When she comes up to the group..do you greet her with a smile and a 'hello'? If not, give it a shot. Continue to be the first one to extend an olive branch. Believe me..it's the key to success. She is watching every gesture of kindness.

 

Her wearing something you've gotten together is a good sign. I can recall where I bought every article of clothing that I have..AND especially recall if a man was with me when I bought it. (it's like guys remembering batting averages!) As a matter of fact..I just pulled a shirt out of my closet the other day that I purchased when I was with a guy I dated a few years ago..had to put it back as it gave me bad vibes!!! So count that article of clothing she was wearing as a GOOD sign. Women are very weird about their clothing!

 

Bits of progress. GOOD FOR YOU!

[DrNick]

You've been a pillar of support strong1 Had lunch in a group today. The ex avoided looking at me, but her body language was reasonably positive (ie. even though she ignored me, her body language suggested otherwise). She even responded to something I said, so she didn't ignore me for the whole lunch. She seems a little pained every time she looks at me. Obviously there is a lot of turmoil at the moment. I've been nice to her, but I haven't really gone out of my way to talk to her. I think the worst is over, and I will start making a bit more effort to be nice and talk to her.