Depressed and misunderstood

[roxursox]

Hi all,

 

So last night I had one of the most saddening conversations with my boyfriend, and I'm still a little shaken. I've been clinically depressed for a very long time, since I was a child (i'm 19 now). I've been on meds for the last year, but sometimes I still get very depressed and stressed out.

 

Last night I went to talk to my boyfriend about it because he said he was having a hard time understanding me lately. I told him everything that was going on, which is always hard for me to do because I'm really self conscious about my depression. He told me that he thinks I get too upset about little things and that I make mountians out of mole hills and that I'm over dramatic. That really hurt my feelings, because whenever I talk about something thats bothering me, I always get accused of being a drama queen. I said some more really personal stuff about how sad I was and having thoughts of suicide and feeling inadequate, and he just sat there and didn't say anything.

 

I get that maybe he can't understand what it's like to be depressed, but I just feel completely unsupported. Honestly, I don't think I can ever share anything with him again, because he's just going to think I'm being melodramatic if I get upset. I don't know what to do, I feel even more hurt and alone than I did before.

 

Any advice you can give would be really great. I love this guy, I just don't know how I can ever feel comfortable opening up ever again.

[metrogirl]

Some people that haven't dealt with depressed people may not know what to say.

 

Case in point, my bf doesn't understand depressed people. He thinks a person should just be able to snap out of it. This led to countless arguments and hurt feelings on my part because I thought if he loved me then he would have supportive words for me.

 

So I sort of took on a different approach with him. I asked him to just listen to me vent and not say a word. I just needed to know that he was listening and over time it has made it easier for him to understand why some people have a harder time coping with things.

 

Have you asked your bf to just hear you out and not respond? It helps, believe it or not.

[CatsMeeoow]

Also bear in mind that talk of suicide and suicidal thoughts are really a heavy burden for some people. He may not feel equipped to handle something like that... I know I would be hard pressed if my partner confessed those things to me.

 

He may need time to process everything you said. Expecting him to respond immediately to things you discussed may not be the best thing. How long did it take you to get diagnosed and understand your illness??? I'm sure it was longer than one conversation.

 

Judging him because he failed to react in a manner you expected and getting angry could be classified in melodrama. While expecting him to see your point of view take a minute and look at things from where he stands. Only then can you find a way to work in the middle.

 

Good luck with your illness.

[hexaemeron]

Well, a couple of things. If you've been depressed this long, you could very well be melodramatic about these things.

 

While it's good to feel supported in a relationship, it's not his job to constantly prop you up because you're unable to do that for yourself. It's your job to find your resolve, not his. He's a boyfriend, not a puppeteer.

 

Also, guys tend to shut down outwardly when people are...well, like that for long periods of time around them. It's like walking on eggshells because you have no idea what's going to set off another nuke of whining and endless * * * * * ing and irritation. So... the simplest thing to do, is just not to talk.

 

I think you need to take a very sober look at your own behavior, and find a way to resolve your issues with yourself, rather than trying to take it out on him for not responding to you in a way that's complimentary to your depression.

 

And this comes from someone with a history of bipolar disorder, depression and 2 suicide atttemps, so believe me, I know how it feels.

[roxursox]

I don't take it out on him. If something is going on between us I try to bring it up in a non confrontational manner. The reason he thinks im mellodramatic is because when i get stressed out, I cry, but crying is just a way for me to release some of the tension I feel in a non distructive manner. Is it bad that I cry?

[hexaemeron]

I don't take it out on him. If something is going on between us I try to bring it up in a non confrontational manner. The reason he thinks im mellodramatic is because when i get stressed out, I cry, but crying is just a way for me to release some of the tension I feel in a non distructive manner. Is it bad that I cry?

 

Uh, well no, not exactly, but if you're crying a lot, who wants to be around that? Would you want to be around someone who's half a hair away from crying all the time?

[Speranza]

And then there's the old cliche (I am sure Hex will have wiser words than me on this) about men thinking we are asking them to solve our problems when we are just talking them out.

 

Out of interest, what would constitute 'supportive' on his part? You've been depressed a long time, so he's not going to cure you... Does he know what you expect (or don't) of him? Do YOU know?

 

I saw my daughter through a long depression. Sometimes the most supportive thing was to leave her alone to cry. Sometimes it was to hold her close. Sometimes it was to gently remind her that she was going to have to fight her own way through because nobody else could do it for her (and as a mother you desperately WANT to make it okay, but you can't).

 

Perhaps he's being supportive by letting you know you're melodramatic. You don't say whether your depression is reactive, perhaps resolvable, or whether you expect to be this way for life - but you may need to think how you are going to manage it in order to have the least impact possible on those around you.

 

This is tough - but the truth is, we all have the choice to take responsibility. Sure, some people have a grim hand of cards, but we all have the option to play them as best we can.

 

Perhaps you could ask him (do it in writing if you think a conversation would bring you to tears) to write down examples of when you are melodramatic.

 

And be prepared for the fact that he may be flagging up that it's not working for him. If that's the case, hard though it is, it is his duty to himself to be true to his own needs.

 

Being depressed is a miserable thing at times, but it's not a wild card to wave at people as you dominate their lives. I'm sure that's not how you'd want to be. Perhaps he's doing you a favour by calling you on this..?

 

I do sincerely wish you the best as you deal with this; my daughter was just emerging from depression at your age, and it was really tough for her to realise with a shock that many of her issues were actually common to everyone her age, not a result of depression.

 

Good luck...

[Lonewing]

I think one of the most frustrating issues for some people is when people talk out their problems and THEN DO NOTHING TO SOLVE THEM!!!

 

The whole point to talking it out is to get to a better place - to Sovle the issue so that there isn't an issue anymore. Wallowing in self pity and whining baotu how it keeps happening over and over again is...well, just depressing and frustrating to listen to! enough so that now I am in a place of mind, having learned from my last relationship, that I will not give such a person even the time of day anymore!

[drewciouS281]

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[Khloe]

You are struggling with an illness that can be difficult for anybody to deal with. Unfortunately he cannot be your support column. The best you can expect from him is that he research the depression you suffer from and learn strategies on how to be supportive.

 

If you have been on medication but have not been seen by a professional to help you through this then its best you seek one out. You should be under the constant care of a professional and may have to be for the rest of your life. Medication is not a "cure" and you should not be suffering alone. Your bf can be supportive in some ways but he does not have the qualifications to support you in the way that you probably need.

[Ms Darcy]

Hey!

what the HECK is your point?!

not helpful or respectful to OP IMO.

QUOTE]

 

He posted his responses in bold within his quote of her original message.

[1MoreChance]

Hey!

what the HECK is your point?!

not helpful or respectful to OP IMO.

QUOTE]

 

He posted his responses in bold within his quote of her original message.

 

 

 

thanks, my mistake.

 

 

 

OP. you are still very young, just a suggestion, maybe try to sort out your mental health and take care of your self and self-development, strengthen your self-esteem, and your own sense of who you are, before you consider a gf-bf relationship... it sounds like he isn't really ready to be supportive.