In a Rut After 10 Months

[rjeep24]

Some background: My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 months. She's 26 and I'm 29. Her friends who are the same ages as us party all the time and really haven't grown up much. My friends, we don't see each other as much and are kind of out of the party scene except for certain occasions. She has a lot of guy friends (who all at some point have hit on her or professed their love for her) and is very outgoing and always hugs them and sees them as close people in her life. She has never dated any of them or fooled around with any of them. However sometimes there is questionable behavior which I feel is inappropriate when you are in a relationship and I have brought up. This includes grinding on the dance floor, kissing one friend on the lips when saying goodbye (more on that later) and I expressed how I was uncomfortable when she went to the pool with 3 guy friends (really bothered me because how things have been going). Some things she fights me on, others I think she sees my point. I asked her how she would feel if i was this way with friends who are girls and she said that we aren't like that anyways, this is how she has always been.

 

In the last couple weeks things have been rough. I have to initiate intimacy and many times she pushes me away and says she is too tired so we don't have that connection. This was never a problem before. We are different in many ways. Her passions are animals (which we share), music, poetry and art. Although i like music poetry and art, I'm not as into it as her. I like to travel and do things outdoors. She wants to do more of these things with me but the whole summer she worked weekends so we don't have a chance to do these things. I hang out with her and her friends when i can (I work during the week and sometimes we aren't together b/c we live an hour away). The thing that sucks is they get all trashed and I don't because I want to be responsible and drive home safely where they all don't care.

 

Saturday we were out watching some bands with her one friend and his friend. The whole night she was distant from me. It felt as though there is some connection with her friend that I started to notice (as far as interests and her passions). They do seem to have alot in common, but for the long run he wouldn't be good for her and if something would have happened between them then it already would have. These are the types of guys she has told me that she wants to not date and she wants someone like me. During the night i told her i was upset and didn't feel like i had a girlfriend and didn't know why she was acting this way. So the fun stopped for her (was never fun for me) and she got upset. When we drove home, she gave her friend a big hug and kissed him on the lips goodnight which is more contact than I had the whole night.

 

When she turned 26 recently she said how she was kind of depressed because it sucks growing up. She was in the dumps about that. Also, she says I scare her because I act more responsible and she sees that as we're getting old.

 

Last night I brought up some of the things that were hurting me. She says that i am not emotional enough and that i don't share in her passions the way she wants someone too. I told her i would keep that in mind and try to improve this. She said i shouldn't have to change who I am.

 

We are going on vacation soon and she said she was hoping that vacation will bring us closer but i told her I want to work on our problems now. She said she doesn't know what's wrong with her, she used to think of herself as a professional girlfriend.

 

These last couple days I have stepped it up a bit. I realized there were certain small things that I haven't been doing that would mean so much to her and I can't believe i haven't done them already. I got her flowers, i made sure she had dinner in her fridge for when she gets home after a long day, i wrote her some notes and a love letter, i've been staying with her more.

 

Does anyone think i can rekindle this if I can connect in a way that is passionate to her? We both still love each other and hold each other all night while we are sleeping. She means more than anything to me. I have been putting more into this at the moment but eventually it will wear on me if she doesn't give something in return.

[Lonewing]

Where did you get my life and can I have it back please????

 

I can relate to practically every point you have stated here. I had your girlfriend; I was the mature responsible adult. We fell apart.

 

The thing is, a realtionship only works when both people are mutually invested. Once on eprson is not, it becomes a one-sided relationship. It became a fight for my girl to stay with me, in her mind, and then it became a challenge for her to be anywhere around me and be happy. She started avoiding me.

 

And she has no shortage of guys professing themselves to her all around....She loves the attention, she loves the feelings, she loves the emotional ecstasy that comes with finding a new love and eating that up - My girl is now a man-eater, I am fully convinced, if she wasn't already before she met me. And she's 32...

 

You cannot make someone be more than what they want to be; if they wish to be immature and remain in the high school lifestyle, there is not much you can do to pull them up to the next arena. I've run into 40-50 year old women still in the highschool state of mind. It's just not attractive!

 

In the end my girl found excuses and undid the work we did on fixing our problems for the explicit purpose of tearing us apart. I was estatic the first three months I was with her, but then she crashed me back down to earth. I then fought with getting back the altitude this entire last 2.5 years. She didn't want to fly with me any more is the short answer. I was a fun taste, and once she had me and had that fantasy, that dream, she was ready to move onto the next fantasy dream. Nothing I could do or say would ever bring her back.

 

She's horrified at the prospect of losing my friendship, but I never gave her friendship in the first place. For that reason, I'm gone from her life now. "Just Friends" is not an option for me, not after I gave her love to the fullest. I don't play that way; I don't play! So if she wants to play her little game, it will be with the fools, because I am not game to having my emotions so callously toyed with. I see the fear in her face as I remain distant, and that comforts me. She wants me to smile and be a happy go lucky dog like everyone else and be overjoyed to just to see her and be happy that I know her - not going to happen. Her celebrity aknowledgement is not enough to saciate my appitite.

 

That's just me and my situation, your's might be different. All I know is I have wasted the better part of 2.5 years pandering to her collection plate. There's nothing you can do in these sorts of situations...

[Ms Darcy]

The thing is, a realtionship only works when both people are mutually invested. Once on eprson is not, it becomes a one-sided relationship. It became a fight for my girl to stay with me, in her mind, and then it became a challenge for her to be anywhere around me and be happy. She started avoiding me.

 

You cannot make someone be more than what they want to be; if they wish to be immature and remain in the high school lifestyle, there is not much you can do to pull them up to the next arena...

 

This is what it sounds like to me. I think you need to have an honest conversation with her about your concerns. Don't let her waffle by stringing you along - no intimacy but staying the relationship. Be prepared to walk away if you want a resolution to this matter.

[nina2009]

Love relationship should bring joy and comfort. even if people are different, even if circumstances are tough, true love is always positive. I've learned in my life that nothing destroys mutual love when it is there.

 

However if relationship start with ecstatic flight, when there are tons of words "i will love you forever" it doesn't mean necessarily that it will help when relationship will be unfolding with the time.

 

I see in your situation craving for love, for "forever" feeling, but without a feeling. Feeling of love makes everything possible, people find the way to relate to each other. Even if there are differences in lifestyles, if two love each other they will be at least exchanging energy of love and it does make up for all differences.

 

When energy is not there, when there is only a desire to love but no real feeling, it is doomed to fall apart. Actually I prefer when people do not get under the spell "oh, I love him/her" when in reality all they love is their own comfort. It is hard in times to recognize it, it is even harder to believe it when you recognize and it is even tougher to accept it. It does bring lots of pain.

 

What I see in your situation: she loves her life, loves her lifestyle the way it is and sees you as an obstacle on her way of enjoying herself. When someone loves another they never see another as an obstacle. They just love another. I do not believe that your GF is ready to love another, she is in love with herself. You can continue loving her, appreciating her presence in your life, you would have to put up with everything she does, all her moods, what she wants at this time point - your total acceptance and no claims. Basically she wants to be loved but she doesn't know how to love back.

 

My advice? If I had any... I find it helpful to take one day at a time and learn how to live your life without wanting her energies of love.

 

I know only one thing that all these talks about "what you don't give to me" are futile, because everyone KNOWS that. When people have energy to give they give. When they do not have desire or energy to give they do not. You are asking her something that is a little bit more than "could you honey please stop putting the hot kettle on this plastic table, because it leaves this ugly spot?" You are asking her to change her energy flow, it is impossible request and she wouldn't be able to do it.

 

She herself suffers because most likely she wants things to work too. However what she wants is for you to be happy regardless of her behavior. And that doesn't seem possible because you at least questioning your trust in her feelings. Her feelings to you do not add up for you. You are asking yourself are you a fool to keep this illusion running. If you asked yourself this question at least once, the answer is ugly - yes, you are. I do not believe in love that brings that sort of a doubt. Life many times proved me this point.

 

There was a guy in life once, with whom we went through all stages of relationship, he never confessed love to me, however not for a single moment I doubted his support. I just knew - doesn't matter what the circumstances are, doesn't matter even with whom he sleeps at the moment, he is always on my side and I am the one. Why I was so sure? I trusted him. One hundred percent. This is how love feels even if it is not working out. Me and this guy are not together for at least 10 years and even now I know I am the one. That is a connection. It enriches your life, it supports you on rainy days, it has a true value.

 

And it is rather sad to see or to be after it in the relationship where both are so present, where time and circumstances are allies and not obstacles, and two people are hurting each other and fighting over things that really do not matter if there is love.

[nina2009]

To make it even more clear. Imagine the very start of in-love feelings when two are not together yet. At this time both could be involved with other people, hug their friends, even sleep with some other partners, but the spark happened and it is just a matter of time when these two people will become together. At this time nobody get hurt over the fact that there are other people around involved, that your potential-gf-to-be might kiss someone because she used to do it all the time. You are focusing on what you have with her, on what is growing. Why?

 

Because she is giving you love energy, and it makes your growing relationship.

 

What I suspect is the real cause of all these problems you are mentioning is not that she is hugging her friend or even kisses him on the lips (some people o that), but the lack of love energy between you and her. And to ask to bring it back is pointless.

[FenwayFaithful]

Okay, I have guy friends, and I’m semi-close with them but I would ever do what your girlfriend does. I’d feel as though I was disrespecting my boyfriend and obviously that’s going to hurt him and make him jealous. Sure it’s “innocent” fun or whatever…but still I really don’t think it’s appropriate behavior for someone who is in a relationship… I really don’t think it’s right that she does that and she has to know deep down that it’s wrong. Besides even if her opinion is that it isn’t, she knows it bothers you so she shouldn’t do those things.

I’m a lot younger than your girlfriend… (I’m barely 21) and I honestly feel as though I may be more mature than her. Truthfully, I’m really not all that into the party scene. Sure it’s fun sometimes but getting trashed all the time gets old. At 26 years old you’d think she’d started to grow up a little bit. So I can understand why you’d be a little bit frustrated with her behavior. Especially because she’s so flirtatious with guys… and let’s face it, hooking up and drinking often go together.

It’s obvious that you really love her, and I know she loves you too but you’re putting more into this relationship than she is. All the little things you’re doing are great but if you ask me she’d have to be kind of silly not to know how much you love her and care about her. She is the one who is grinding/kissing other guys and ignoring you/being distant… she if you ask me she is the one who needs to take a little initiative and show you she still cares about you.

My boyfriend has been really distant as well lately, and I’ve been trying as hard as I can to be a better girlfriend so that things can get better. What I realized though is that this isn’t my problem, its his problem and I can’t make him change. Hopefully your girlfriend will come around and she’ll realize what she stands to lose and she’ll treat you the way you deserve to be treated because it is so obvious to me how much you care about her and you deserve that kind of respect and love in return. But she needs to make a decision about what's more important to her. The lifestyle she's living isn't really one that is compatible with yours... and that might not change. You can't make her not act the way she does with her guy friends... that's a decision she needs to make on her own. Does she realize that it hurts and bothers you?

I hope things work out, I know how much it hurts when someone is being distant

[Lonewing]

It's flirtacious - and at it's core, a promiscuity of the heart.