Prachi_Sri01 Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Hi. I want to know what is more important of the family or life partner if you have to choose only one.For me it will be a love marriage in which I am bound to loose my side of people because the guy doesnot belong to our side.I will lose my family, society, people everyone because they won't accept him. He is from a totally different place, culture , language everything but at the same time I know he is a really nice guy who will try his best to keep me happy. On the other hand it can be an arranged marriage with some one else, who will be the choice of my parents but I won't know the guy. I however , won't lose my people and my society.I will get people with whom i can be friendly and spend my life is a similar environment to that of my present one. Kindly help in this important decision of my life. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Do you want to live your own life, or have your family live your life for you? Live life for yourself and make your own choices. Link to comment
annalisa84 Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 IMO - If you think the one you love is a good man and worth the sacrifice, go with love. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 I dont really think its about marriage, what you are truly asking is the life that you want. I think that is what you are choosing between. Do you want a life where your parents pick what is best for you and you will be content with their decision or do you want a life where you make your own choice. I think this is a difficult issue but it is up to each individual to decide what is best for them. If you have the strength to defy your parents then do so, but many people do not. If you dont have that kind of strength then it seems that you will be in a position where your parents will make the choice for you. Link to comment
yeawutever Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 You'll never be happy if you let your family choose your life for you... I rather choose my partner than have my parents arranging a marriage... Link to comment
Prachi_Sri01 Posted September 16, 2009 Author Share Posted September 16, 2009 Do you want to live your own life, or have your family live your life for you? Live life for yourself and make your own choices. I want to live my own life and that's why I chose him. And above all I am fully confident about him that he won't let me down. But the real problem is I am not comfortable with the language and culture of the state he lives in. When I marry him, I will go to that state only where I will have to spend my whole life. I am not sure whether I will be able to accept his family and culture as mine because both of us have totally different upbringing. Its like the union of North and South. WELL it is actually the union of north and South. I am afraid if I go further, I might be leading a life which is totally different from my present life and I am not sure whether I will like it:sad: Link to comment
Prachi_Sri01 Posted September 16, 2009 Author Share Posted September 16, 2009 IMO - If you think the one you love is a good man and worth the sacrifice, go with love. He is a real good man and he has done a lot for me. Even now he is day and night dreaming about our marriage. To be honest, it is difficult to get COMMITTED guys now a days who really value their gals and who really work for them. Actually I lived in his place for about 6 months, that's when I started getting scared by the people, culture, language and food of that place and that is when I started getting second thoughts. Before that I never thought about it Link to comment
Prachi_Sri01 Posted September 16, 2009 Author Share Posted September 16, 2009 You'll never be happy if you let your family choose your life for you... I rather choose my partner than have my parents arranging a marriage... But when it comes to life beyond marriage which you feel you wont be able to adapt to, then what will you do Link to comment
Prachi_Sri01 Posted September 16, 2009 Author Share Posted September 16, 2009 I dont really think its about marriage, what you are truly asking is the life that you want. I think that is what you are choosing between. Do you want a life where your parents pick what is best for you and you will be content with their decision or do you want a life where you make your own choice. I think this is a difficult issue but it is up to each individual to decide what is best for them. If you have the strength to defy your parents then do so, but many people do not. If you dont have that kind of strength then it seems that you will be in a position where your parents will make the choice for you. Ya its true, its not exactly about marriage, its about life after marriage. I don't mean parents by society, I mean others like relatives and friends which I feel I wont get any in the new place Link to comment
Circe Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Prachi - my background is one in which arranged marriages are still prevelant so I understand where you are coming from. For me - years before I even started dating my husband (different race and background) - I made a stand and left home (knowing full well that I was risking all future contact with my family) - and it worked out really well for me. I didn't lose them at all. They went from extremely strict, overprotective people - to really laid back ones almost overnight. And when I introduced by boyfriend to them (different race) - they welcomed him with open arms. So it worked well. So you never know - if you take a stand they may well chose you over their fears and prejudices. And if they chose you the society will follow (not for their own kids - but they won't shun you if your parents dont shun you. The same people who would have lost their minds if their own daughters or sons dated or married inter-racially - saw that my parents treated my husband with love and respect and warmth and open arms and never once said anything negative.. and they followed their example and treated him the same way, out of respect for my parents no doubt). Anyway so for me - freedom and autonomy was worth losing all that - even with love out of the equation. And thats really the point. Things could end up badly with your boyfriend - even though its currently a great relationship. But at what price does family come? it shouldnt come at the cost of your freedom and ability to chose your partner in life. So for me its never a choice of my boyfriend over my family - but my freedom over my family. Either they respect my need for autonomy or they stay out of my life if and until they can come to respect that. Link to comment
yokohama_mama Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 I married someone from a completely different culture, and now live in his country, far away from my family, where I don't speak the language well. My husband is a wonderful man, however this type of life can put extra strain on a marriage. We now have two kids, and I'm commited to making it work. However if I could rewrite the story of my life, I'm not sure I'd make the same decision (it depends which day you ask me! Today hasn't been the greatest day...) The situation is more complex than just doing what your parents want or following your heart. Of course marriage is about the heart, but it's important to think about practicalities too. Will you be satisfied living in his part of the country? Will you be able to accept it if your children see your parents only rarely, and grow up learning his culture instead of yours? Ultimately, you can't make him responsible for all of your happiness, you'll have to embrace his culture and learn to enjoy living there if your marriage is going to work out. Good luck with whatever you decide! Link to comment
Prachi_Sri01 Posted September 21, 2009 Author Share Posted September 21, 2009 I completely agree with whatever you said. I have discussed the same issues you said plus few others with him, namely- Language, culture, food,environment and even about children. Actually he is a very practical kind of gut and since it would be a totally different kind of marriage, he encouraged me to speak about all issues even children. What he suggested was he will take a separate home in the same city but at a different place so that I won't be affected that much by his family. Then he said, he will learn my language and will talk to me in my language only. Other than this he said, that our future home will be mine. So I can be there the way i want.Even he is learning to eat my kind of food. He said he is ready to make whatever I make at home. In short, he is ready to give 100% home environment to me. On the other hand, I will have to adjust when I go to see his family members or some functions of his side. I might have to dress like them, speak their language and try to be one of them. This is the whole of what he is planning to make our future life like. About him, he is a mature person(as i feel because the day he proposed me, he talked about marriage and discussed about these issues),he is committed(as he can never think of marrying anyone else than me, he called me his wife from the day we came together, not his girlfriend),he is a big socialite( he has a big gang of friend). Its now 2 yrs of our relationship. But even then I have some fear, like the ones you told that i will lose my individuality in that place. I might even forget my language, culture everything. Looking into all these points what do you feel. If you would have got this kind of home, would you have been happy. And looking into these points, what will you like to suggest me. Kindly help. Kindly tell me whether what all is told really practical and if these things happens will I be happy Link to comment
Prachi_Sri01 Posted September 21, 2009 Author Share Posted September 21, 2009 In my case, I met him when I was doing my post graduation.What attracted me was his friendly nature, his helping nature for everyone and at the same time sensitivity. It has been 2 yrs since I met him and 1 yr since we came together. He is very confident about this relationship because he feels he can make it work. My parents , thankfully were not of the kind who suppress their children and marry them forcefully to the person of their own choice. However they are warning me continuously. Some where in my mind too thess warnings have made an effect. Though they won't stop me from marrying him, they have a deep rooted hatred towards the place and culture he belongs to. So in my case, they might never accept him. I lived in his place for 6 months but that was not a very good experience for me. I am afraid that one day I will forget my originality, my language, culture evrything. Even my children won't give me the happiness of adopting anything from me.It is natural for them to adopt the practices of place they live in and i AM afraid i will not be able to take it so easily. At this time, my priority is to chose a path so that I won't repent later. In his part he is a nice guy. He said he will take care of my family like his own,he will stand by me whole of my life and he will talk to my parents even if they don't like him. He will try to make place in their heart. As many time I raise my doubts, he says this much only,"Dont worry Prachi, I will keep you very happy" He even says that he will never ever leave me alone in whatever situation comes. But still I am afraid to take this step. What, if whatever doubts my parents are raising only comes true and I feel suffocated there, in that new and strange place. WIll I have to repent on my doing if I go on this path like my parents says. Do suggest the answer for these questions of mine... Link to comment
Prachi_Sri01 Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 Today I told him I am not able to decide if I can be with him in such diiffciult situation. Am I doing correct thing. Please suggest Link to comment
yokohama_mama Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 I think you're being very reasonable. Both of you are. It's great that you're both thinking carefully about what your situation would be like if you lived in his area. If you're not sure yet, you should not rush into anything. You asked me: If you would have got this kind of home, would you have been happy. And looking into these points, what will you like to suggest me. I do have the kind of home that you describe; we don't live with his parents, he speaks my language with me in the home, he eats what I prepare and doesn't insist on having only his culture's food. We mostly agree about how to raise our children, although that has probably caused more conflict than any other issue in our marriage (however, basically we get along very well). The hardest things are the distance between me and my parents and other family members (a 9 hour flight, several time zones away), that my mother can't spend much time with her grandchildren, and that I have had a hard time learning the language and can only communicate with most people here on a basic level, which can be isolating. However, there are many things I like about this culture, even things that I like better than my own culture. (Then again there are things I prefer back home as well.) It's impossible for me to guess whether I would have been happier if I had returned to my own country instead of staying here and getting married. Happiness is affected by so many things. But I am lucky to have a good husband and two lovely children. Anyway, take your time, and don't decide until you're ready. Link to comment
Prachi_Sri01 Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 Thanks a lot for your response. I thought a lot about it. Even I talked to mom about it. What I came to conclusion is that I can't leave that guy even knowing that i will be facing this much problems. In last 6 months I discussed same thing n number of times. Many times i told him that i can't be with him, then he explained me how he will keep me happy and then I agreed. Even after thinking I will be with him, I don't have the solace in my mind. I will keep asking the same thing again and again to him. Somewhere I have deep seated fear in me that compels me asking the same question about our future.This makes him tensed, some times irritated and some times cry. Today he was like "I want some peace of mind". I dont know what is correct. Other than this culture etc, he is not settled till now. He wants to do a business currently working in one restaurant as a working partner. Later he wishes to start business of his own. My parents say "Who knows whether it will be successful, it might not work also, Are u ready to live the life of poverty"... Like this there are endless questions they ask me and I am not able to give the answer of any of them. Unless I vl have the peace, I will keep creating tension for him too. At the same time I am afraid of leaving him and going with some1 else. Actually this guy and I shared a spiritual bond which kept us close to each other. V had a great understanding and stuff. But now since last 6 months v r away. I am at my home and he at his home place. Its all breaking slowly slowly. I am not sure whether I vl be able to give any1 else the place in heart as I gave him................ HELP Link to comment
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