johnnyp Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Why do I keep getting women showing massive signs of attraction to me and then bailing when push comes to shove? Don't get me wrong, I do okay with dating and getting to the 1st and 2nd date, but I'm still very frustrated by this other behaviour I get. For another recent example, see here... So, yesterday I was going to a party and I knew that a woman I really liked and who has shown a lot of interest in me in the past was going to be there. Now I've asked this woman out before and she never responded, so I've already been down the road of confusion with her and expected nothing to happen at this party. I kinda wish I'd been right So I get there and as I walk in the door I immediately see her watching me as I walk in. I pretend that I haven't seen her (so that I can see if she'll instigate contact with me), then chat to a few women and walk over to get myself a drink. After standing and chatting with a friend for a few minutes, I see her walking accross the room towards us. She has this really nervous look on her face and is looking at me but as soon as she sees me looking at her, she looked away as if she hadn't seen me. She then walked up and acted like she was looking for something near us and then looked up and said "Oh...Johnny....hey, I didn't see you there!" After a bit of chatting and flirting, she excused herself and said she'd catch up with me later and as soon as she left, my friend said "Man....she's really into you huh?". Bear in mind he'd never met her and knew nothing about my past with her, so this was his 100% unbiased opinion based on her behaviour. Later on we're sitting eating and she comes straight over and sits so closely next to that our legs are pressed against each other, even though there was ample room for her to sit somewhere else, and she keeps talking about how we should "All" go out for a drink sometime (meaning me and my friends and her and hers). She must've brought this up at least six times over the course of the night. She also kept talking about all the times we'd seen each other before and remembered intricate details that I had forgotten ages ago...and whenever I said something like "Oh that's right....I'd forgotten all about that", she looked really put out that I'd forgotten. I had an early meeting the next morning and at 10pm got up and said I had to leave, to which she seemed really bummed out (and even made a disappointed groaning sound and jumped out of her seat to say goodbye to me. As she was stood next to me, I could see her squirming and leaning forwards as if to kiss me goodbye, but looking like she wasn't sure if she should, so I leaned in and she grabbed me and gave me a kiss and a hug. Anyway, long story short....I got an email from her the next day and responded with "Good to see you last night, we should catch up for a drink again real soon" to which she replied "Great to see you ALL too, lets get ALL of us out for a drink soon. Let me know when you're free" (I added the bold and caps...they weren't in her email). This is the third time she's done this....asked me and my friends out for a drink, flirted with me all night and then when it comes down to it and I try to set up a date with her refuses to meet me alone. Excuse my language but W.T.F!?! I asked a friend of mine about this, since this has happened to me with a few women lately and she said that she's done the same thing with guys she really liked and that she did it because as much as she liked him, she really couldn't believe that he liked her back (despite all his actions showing it) and she was also scared of him dating her and hurting her, so she'd always show loads of interest and then get scared when he showed equal interest, which would make her back away. What do you guys think? Link to comment
orangesoda Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 waste of time - if she has issues (and it sounds like she does), she needs to sort that stuff out on her own. You'd be making a huge mistake thinking you can 'rescue' her or somehow fix HER issues by dating her. Don't waste anymore time on her. When she's ready, she's ready. It's not your problem, go flex your attention on other girls. Link to comment
odile Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 It sounds like she's shy, and trying to play it 'cool', you know? Trying to act casual and not get too excited. Link to comment
johnnyp Posted September 12, 2009 Author Share Posted September 12, 2009 I'm certainly not interested in fixing her problems or rescuing her at this early stage....I would like to understand the behaviour though since I get it a LOT from women. Thank god I meet an equal amount of women that DO know what they want though Link to comment
odile Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 waste of time - if she has issues (and it sounds like she does), she needs to sort that stuff out on her own. You'd be making a huge mistake thinking you can 'rescue' her or somehow fix HER issues by dating her. Don't waste anymore time on her. When she's ready, she's ready. It's not your problem, go flex your attention on other girls. I think that's pretty unfair, considering they haven't even gone on a date yet! She may be waiting for a solid signal of interest. Shy doesn't necessarily mean defective. Link to comment
johnnyp Posted September 12, 2009 Author Share Posted September 12, 2009 It sounds like she's shy, and trying to play it 'cool', you know? Trying to act casual and not get too excited. So, you think she IS interested? Link to comment
odile Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 So, you think she IS interested? I think it's a possibility. I also think that the only way you'll find out is by inviting her on a date. Link to comment
johnnyp Posted September 12, 2009 Author Share Posted September 12, 2009 That's what I'm saying though. The last time I asked her on a date, she never replied, and then this time when I suggested we go out, she said "Good to see you ALL and we should ALL go out"....indicating that she has no interest in a one-to-one date, so why all the shyness and flirting? Another woman did this to me last year and was SO into me that all her friends and colleagues STILL make jokes about how much she talked about me to them and how crazy she was for me.....but guess what? She did the same thing to when I asked her out....ignored me and suggested me and her friends ALL go out together. Link to comment
odile Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Ah-- I see you have already invited her out. You know, it can't hurt to go out a few more times as a group. If she gets to spend more time with you, she'll probably get to feel more comfortable with you. That's how it sometimes is with shy people. No need to rush things. Link to comment
odile Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Just out of curiosity... what did the email that she sent the day after your last outing actually say? Was it cc'd to the rest of the "all" in "you all"-- or were you the only one that she emailed? Link to comment
johnnyp Posted September 12, 2009 Author Share Posted September 12, 2009 It was just a quick email to say "good to see you"....and it was only sent to me. Link to comment
odile Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 It was just a quick email to say "good to see you"....and it was only sent to me. Sounds like she's definitely interested, just not quite yet ready to take the plunge. If you are interested, too, then you should definitely not give up. Just give it some time for things to develop naturally. Link to comment
jul-els Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 It's her issue. If you asked her out and she couldn't say yes then there's not much more to it. At that point you've just gotta say next. Link to comment
Casey13 Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Sorry to break it to you but I see it in a completely different way. This girl is not into you that's why she never responded to you asking her out in the past. Yes, she was nervous to see you when you came into the party but from what you described it wasn't because she liked you but she was probably thinking: "oh I rejected this guy by not responding to him, this is going to be so ackward, what do I do???" To get the anxiety off her chest she walked up to you and your friend and initiated small talk so that she gets that over with and in hopes to make good with you for not responding to you asking her out. Remember, for all she knows you are probably pissed off with her about stiffing you. After she realizes that you don't have ill feelings towards her this makes her very happy and she thinks that the two of you can now be "friends." That's right, you got friend zoned which would perfectly explain the ALLs in that email. Trust me dude, this girl is not into you at all and it's really easy to misjudge anxiousness with being into you, which would explain why your friend would think she likes you. He knew nothing of your past asking her out so he assumed since she is nervous around you she must dig you, of course she was probably scared that you may be angry with her. The big kiss and hug in the end, well she was probably thinking this when she was giving it to you: "oh YAY! I'm so glad this guy is not mad at me for not digging him, but he would make a great friend... in a group setting.. just to be sure he doesn't hit on me again." I assure you that's what's going on here Link to comment
odile Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 It's her issue. If you asked her out and she couldn't say yes then there's not much more to it. At that point you've just gotta say next. She didn't say "no"... she's just been suggesting group outings instead. She has been giving some very encouraging signals, and additionally has already suggested that she'd like to see him again. What does it matter if it's in a group? It might seem terribly old-fashioned in this day and age but some people prefer to get to know someone a bit before actually deciding whether or not to take things to a more romantic level. The way I see it, if you are genuinely interested in her as a person, keep doing what you're doing. If, however, you just want to get laid, or have a casual fling, she may not be your best choice. Link to comment
odile Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 For what it's worth, you might want to note that orangesoda (i think?), jul-els, and Casey13 are all male. I am female. It couldn't hurt to get the opinions of a few more women before acting hastily... Link to comment
orangesoda Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Yeah, she didn't say 'no' - she IGNORED his offer. That's really tacky. Link to comment
Casey13 Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 No matter how you look at it, it all boils down to this: He asked her out and she ignored him = not interested Whether you're a male, a female, a monkey, a giraffe or a squid, it doesn't matter. If you are offered something and you reject it by avoiding it (which is exactly what she did) you can rest assured that it = not interested! Link to comment
odile Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Yeah, she didn't say 'no' - she IGNORED his offer. That's really tacky. Well, I have to agree, that is pretty tacky.... Was your invitation sort of a general thing like "Let's go out sometime?" or a solid one "I'd like to take you out Friday night, are you free?" And are you sure that she received the invitation? Link to comment
johnnyp Posted September 12, 2009 Author Share Posted September 12, 2009 It was a general "We should go out sometime" kinda thing. I know, I should've been more specific, but due to her weird behaviour before, I was testing the water and aiming for a "Sounds good" kinda reply before proceeding Link to comment
odile Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 It was a general "We should go out sometime" kinda thing. I know, I should've been more specific, but due to her weird behaviour before, I was testing the water and aiming for a "Sounds good" kinda reply before proceeding Haha, yeah, well, she was probably waiting for the follow up, you know, something more concrete. Dude, ask her out! Link to comment
jul-els Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 She didn't say "no"... she's just been suggesting group outings instead. She has been giving some very encouraging signals, and additionally has already suggested that she'd like to see him again. What does it matter if it's in a group? It might seem terribly old-fashioned in this day and age but some people prefer to get to know someone a bit before actually deciding whether or not to take things to a more romantic level. The way I see it, if you are genuinely interested in her as a person, keep doing what you're doing. If, however, you just want to get laid, or have a casual fling, she may not be your best choice. He asked her out for a drink and she said she'd rather meet with him in a group setting. That's a qualified no. Either that or she wants him to try and read between the lines which is not a very adult way to reciprocate interest. Link to comment
johnnyp Posted September 13, 2009 Author Share Posted September 13, 2009 See, as much as I'd like to see it the way Odile does, I've been tending more to see it the way Jul-els does However, it is just men (here and in my life) that seem to see it this way and all women I know have said exactly what Odile has said. I agree that if she won't commit to a solo date with me then that's all the info I really need, but I'm still interested to know why it's going on, since this happens to me a lot from women that - on paper at least - are all over me like a rash. If this woman isn't interested, then why she stayed glued to my side all night, sat so close to me that we were pressed together, and remembered every detail of our past contact years ago?! When I've been interested in women before that had zero interest in me, they showed NO signs of liking me, didn't remember a single thing I'd told them in the past and certainly didn't spend entire nights staying as close to me as possible and suggesting all night that we go out for a group date as soon as possible....they stayed away from me and made it very clear that they weren't interested I'd be really interested to hear some more female opinions in this if possible. Link to comment
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