Best way forward...

[SparklyBoots]

Long story short: Met up with ex last weekend after 4 months without seeing him (7 months since breakup). Had been in chatty, light contact for several weeks prior to this. It was meant to be just a catch up but we really enjoyed each others company and were stupid and ended up in bed after drinking....I was surprised to see he still had our picture up by his computer in his bedroom....

 

I have only seen him 3 times in 7 months. Twice this has happened and the other time we had a really fun day out - not just me saying this as he mailed me afterwards to thank me for such a good time. BUT he has mostly been careful to keep himself at a distance.

 

That Friday he talked a little bit about his interim gf - turns out he had dated her before when he was a lot younger - he has never ever gone back to an ex in the past and his line was that he should have known better as things hadn't worked very well this time around either. This seems to have hardened his view on if things don't work then they will never work....even though he can obviously see the big changes I have made since we split

 

Anyways, I pointed out to him that we still seemed to have a connection - and it might be nice to meet up again - see how things went and if there was anything still there....he eventually got back to me on Thursday evening and this is what he said in his email:

 

Do not have a clue what i want right now, i need my freedom for a while to sort my head out and things back on track. unfortunately sleeping with you the other night did not help with this.. not your fault but mine.

 

Did enjoy your company but sleeping with you was not on the books in my mind and all there is to it, no deep dark hiden reason just thought i had moved on enough not to jump back in bed with you at first oppertunity.

 

Soooooo - am not sure what to do....he says he needs space, but this sounds to me like he needs space to just get me out of his head again...later on he said he didn't mean that we should be out of touch with each other...erm, can't have it both ways!

 

This encounter has shaken him up a bit but i don't think he is ready to deal with it properly. He doesn't like to talk about emotions and stuff and keeps so much under wraps.

 

I may be a hopeless fool but i think we still have a potential there to reignite something if i don't blow this completely. I really don't know whether I should just cut contact for a while and give him 100% space - or whether to keep in LC but just keep it light and chatty, with no 'us' talk. Help!!!!

[SapphireNoir10]

It sounds like he wants to move on but it is hard for him. Just be careful not to get into limbo where you end up his casual sexual partner, and not his girlfriend.

 

If i were you I'd take it back to just chatting lightly and friendly.

 

But if you really want to get over him and move on, I'd go no contact.

[odile]

Take a step back.

He knows you're interested, and for whatever reason, he's not jumping at the opportunity.

DEFINITELY cut out any 'us' talk.

 

Your best bet now is to relax, and let him go for the moment.

No need to announce or proclaim your decision, but just cool off, and allow him to take the lead.

 

Don't hold your breath for anything more than friendship.

If he calls, great-- have a chat.

Keep things low-key and friendly for a while, and don't let this guy be your first priority.

 

He'll come around and send some very direct signals if he's genuinely interested, too.

At that point, and only at that point, should any sort of thoughts of 'us' come into question.

[lavenderdove]

I think he is saying he is fine with being your friend, and feels you two shouldn't be sleeping together. He made a big point of that in his email, and usually that means he had a weak moment sexually, but he really just wants to be friends and not lovers so you shouldn't be sleeping together.

 

I think if he is still saying this after 7 months and dating other people in the interim, you most likely need to put him on the WAY back burner and start dating other people rather than hanging onto the idea of him. At 40, you are not a kid and i assume he isn't one either, so 'finding' himself and the 'need to be free' at this age almost always means he doesn't want you to get serious with him, and/or he doesn't want to be your boyfriend.

 

I'd not waste a lot of time hanging onto him. If you want to find a partner, keep looking, and if he happens to change his mind and tell you that and come back, then that is fine, BUT i wouldn't wait around for it, because he might have already decided to move on, and sleeping with you doesn't mean he loves you, more like he had a weak moment where he was sexually tempted and regrets it since be doesn't want you to get any false hopes from it.

[SparklyBoots]

Yep I am 40 and no spring chicken - he is 35 so there is a bit of a gap age and probably maturitywise!

 

I told him at the start of the week that if it was a one night thing then I would accept that but really it would be best to know. All he had to do was to say, instead he waited days before coming back with the 'I don't know what I want' line...so yes it was a weak moment on both our parts - but one which shook us both up. He had thought it over and this is the best he can come up with - it says very little really and gives little insight, but just enough to keep me hanging on in there as an option if he ever wanted to take it up...

 

My real life friends have said that he is worried about becoming attached again as our split took us both some time to come to terms with. His usual relationships last around 3-6 months and we lasted just about 2 years...my best friend believes he was scared at being so emotionally involved with anyone and left out of fear - she thinks he is happier with short lived relationships where he can have companionship and sex and not have to get so emotionally involved that he feels he needs that person and that person needs him...something which would hold him back from seeing me again...

 

Since we split I have dated casually and he had this gf for just under 2 months who he split with in July. At the minute there is a girl in his home town that he has had on and off for nine years as a fall back f***buddy who has come back on the scene but who he has not slept with recently...they have never dated, just ended up bedding each other now and again in between their own relationships...when we were out that weekend, she came over and whispered somethng to him, inviting him to a club later to hook up...before my last opportunity to get a train back home, I said to him that I could go if he wanted to take her up on her offer...he said he would much rather I stayed as he was really enjoying my company.

 

So I know that he did not sleep with me because he is short of offers or on a bit of a drought...he also admitted that night that he had thought what happened might happen before I came over - now he is saying that it was not on the cards in his mind....contradicting himself.....

 

I think you are right not to waste my time hanging around....but at the same time, if he is actually weighing things up and trying to work out what he wants would it be better for me to go no contact?

 

I am never decided on this because on the one hand it provides space, but in this situation where we were making tentative steps to get to know each other again, then if i go no contact then that process will be scuppered....oh for a time machine to go back and do it ll again but to leave on the last train!!!!

[odile]

I think you are right not to waste my time hanging around....but at the same time, if he is actually weighing things up and trying to work out what he wants would it be better for me to go no contact?

 

I am never decided on this because on the one hand it provides space, but in this situation where we were making tentative steps to get to know each other again, then if i go no contact then that process will be scuppered....oh for a time machine to go back and do it ll again but to leave on the last train!!!!

 

If you keep analysing this, and trying to game-plan, then in a sense, you ARE "hanging around".

Rather than trying to decide whether to call him or not, just assume all bets are off for now.

Take a step back.

If he calls you, then take it from there.

[lavenderdove]

People want different things in life. I think from his pattern (and your friends analysis), he is someone who doesn't particularly value serious long term relationships, and in fact might see them as a trap that restricts his freedom, which he values MORE than a stable relationship.

 

You value a stable long term relationship and want that from him, but he appears to like to date a lot of different women and not be tied down to them. So you are 'waiting' for him to turn into a person he is not. He most likely is well aware of that, that you want long term and he prefers short term, so though sleeping with you is fun, it brings with it a lot of responsbility and takes him in a direction he doesn't particularly want to go.

 

So the problem is you are waiting for him to turn into something he is not, and that never works out. Too many women just assume that all guys are looking for a permanent long term relationship, and many are not. So he may like you well enough and enjoy your company, but what you are selling, he doesn't want to buy! If he values variety over stability, then he will be more interested in a string of women, rather than settling down with one woman.

 

His 'i don't know what i want' is a round about way of saying 'i want to keep my options open.'

 

So that is why i say don't waste time waiting around for him. There could be a small chance he decides he'd rather settle down than have variety, but it looks like he is just back into his pattern of dating a bunch of women, and sleeping with various ones on and off. This is not a man who shows any signs of settling down anytime in the near future, if at all.

 

If want you want is to settle down, then i'd be dating other people who have that same goal rather than waiting around to watch him go thru more women while you don't get any closer to your own goal.

[SparklyBoots]

Odile - thank you - you are right.

 

Lavenderdove - thank you too - you seem to have summed my ex up quite well! Very thoughtful analysis - my ex bowls and at his bowls club there is a couple in their 70s who ares still very lovey dovey and touchy feely, they walk around holding hands and the other folk make a joke of it but they are probably jealous! This couple was my exs ideal - he always said that was what he wanted - and he even asked me to marry him after one year together - I was the one who was hestitant, not wanting to get married again and shortly after he started to frequently say how he was never going to get married!

 

He likes the idea of long term but he can't live it - he has these ideal images but can't live the reality.

 

I think you are right. He may like me but he doesn't want to be tied down again and that is what he imagines. I am not too bothered about long term though, thinking more about the here and now. I spent 17 years with my ex husband and it was nice to get out of that relationship and find myself again.....ooooops - that is what my ex is trying to do isn't it? Think you have helped me here a lot!!!!