Mature Break Up & Letting Go

[ziggystar]

Me and my ex went from taking a break to breaking up, although nothing was official. but i know that it is pretty much over, even though we maintain minimum contact (a "hey and how are you?" once every 2 weeks). there's only a thin tether of possibility of reunion. her clothes (which has keep sake value) are still here at my place. she hasn't come to get them and i haven't asked her to get them either. i would like to go on with my life (and to possibly met another person) and get healthy again mentally and emotionally, but leaving a door open to the possibility of reuniting with my ex (because i love her and i think we have some great potential and a foundation already). and just trying to be open without waiting. my problem is that i am emotionally and mentally obsessed with her. although i have been not acting out on these thoughts and emotions, they have been wreaking havoc on me. i feel as if i'm addicted. and i know what addiction is. i've been addicted to drugs and alcohol in my past and this feels exactly like that. although i can absolutely be closed to drugs and alcohol, it seems to me being closed to my ex is not something i would want to do. we've both made errors in the relationship, so it's nobodies fault. what can i do to let go without acting out a drama with her? (which has been the case all my life) I want to grow up. help.

[tiger_lilies]

I unfortunately am in the same boat as you. It has been one month yesterday of zero contact with my ex and it's been the hardest month ever. It is still difficult to walk to work every morning and not cry every step of the way.

 

It will be hard for you to get over her...I also feel like I'm obsessed with my ex and have also not acted upon some of my crazy thoughts, i.e. driving to his work just to see his car out front. I read somewhere that it takes at least three weeks for your brain to break a habit. Example; thinking about her every second.

 

I've gotten better at having small moments where I don't think about him at all. But I find I am usually preoccupied by friends when that happens. It will be hard for you, but you will/should try and stick to the no contact rule. It really does clear your mind. Take Care!

[Hopingpraying]

What you two are describing is very normal. I have been where you are, and everyone who has will tell you it will get easier. It takes time, lots of it, but it will get easier.

There are no set timetables. Each person is different, but you will stop obsessing about them.

[hairybda]

I agree.

 

I got completely dragged through the mud by mine.. I won't even waste the space on it.

 

I havn't spoken to mine in almost 1 month 1 week.. there still isn't a day where I don't think about her, wonder what she's doing.. but, there are hours now where I don't think about her.

 

One of the nicest things now which is starting to happen, is I am starting to see lots of other wonderfull beautifull people around, I am actually happy now things are over.

 

Hang in there, it does get easier.. it just takes time...

 

Hugs

Sean

[ziggystar]

thanks for the support guys.

 

i wake up feeling hopeless and abandoned. i struggle through the day to get emotionally stable. by nightfall istart to feel better. and by the time i go to sleep, i'm okay and have things in perspective. but then i wake, feeling hopeless and abandoned. what is my subconscious telling me?

 

here's the thing. we're still in contact, although sparsely. the contact has been civil and friendly, but there's this part of me clings to some hope. she doesn't say anything that will indicate anything. i know people will say do the no contact route, but is it possible to get over this without that drastic measure?

[lisaria]

Hey ziggystar,

I am sorry you are going through this and I hope that soon you will feel better. It will take time and the one thing that you really need to use your time for is yourself. And yes, I'm afraid that means the nasty No Contact rule. You must begin the healing process and this rule gives you a start. You've been wounded, hurt. If you broke your leg, you wouldn't go out and run around the block. The same is true of your relationship. Your heart is broken, it needs time to heal. Your ex is like a scab that you keep picking at everytime you speak to her. You have to let it heal. That doesn't meant that you won't love her, it just means that you are now doing what you have to do to make yourself feel better. It's all about you now.

What makes you feel good that has nothing whatsoever to do with your ex? Do you like to write? Write down your feelings and thoughts. If you like lists, make lists of all the bad things she did. Later you can make lists of all the good things if you really want to. Do you like sports? Working out? Hiking? Anything physical is good. Do you wake right up and jump out of bed or do you lay there and think about your ex and all the good times you had and how she's not there anymore. There's that scab again. Jump right out of bed the minute your eyes open and get moving. Exercise, jog, get out and go!

The hurting will go on and you will have good moments and bad moments. The trick is to make the good ones last longer and longer and the bad ones shorter. Eventually you will be able to do that and then the moments will become hours and then finally days. You will have setbacks and they are going to come. But in time you will be stronger and they won't be so dark or last so long. I know you can't see it now, but trust me...you will get through this. You are going to be a better person because of this. It is a learning time for you, for all of us going through this and we will stay strong and we will learn this lesson and then move on. I am living for that day. Hang in there ziggy.

Lisa

[ziggystar]

thanks lisaria, your support is most welcome.

 

here's the thing about applying the no contact rule. she contacts me every now and then, just to say hi, but the call is not a call that suggest reunion or anything else, just a friendly call to say hello. how do i respond to that, or do i respond? it would seem childish of me not to respond. after all, she isn't do anything in her language or action that is hurting me. should i say stop calling me?

[lisaria]

Hey ziggy,

You said in your first post that you're clinging to that last shred of hope (not quite in those words) when she calls you. That is not fair to you. I'm sorry zig, but you gotta quit accepting those phone calls. FOR YOU. Like I said you are never going to heal as long as you have those little webs of contact. Everytime she calls and correct me if I'm wrong, but is there not a little tiny piece of you that thinks just maybe this time she's going to proclaim her love for you and tell you that it's all been a terrible mistake?

You're only human for God's sake and I sure know that is what I would think. So you've got to cut the contact. I know it's hard. I wish everyday that my ex would call me or think that maybe I should call him. Every damned day. But you know what? It's better that he doesn't because then I would be living in hell. Always thinking he's coming back. There is no healing in that. You've got to heal. She's moving on, isn't she? Do you think she's not? And that's the wonderful thing about time and no contact. You start to heal.

I don't want to sound harsh, but that is what I think. All of these exes that play these stupid headgames. If they don't want to be with us, then damn it! leave us alone!!! Don't talk to her when she calls. If she wants to know why then tell her. You aren't doing it to hurt her, you're doing it to make you better. Give her time to miss you. Let her know that you aren't there for her anymore. You have to be there for you and you're too busy worrying about her and her feelings to give yourself much thought. Take back your power. You take control of this situation.

I am sorry zig. I do sound mean, but I'm really not. Just trying to make you see how it's all about YOU now. You don't have to worry about her anymore. She made that choice.

Lisa

[ziggystar]

thanks lisaria.

 

i'm going to move on with my life for sure. and it seems like no contact will be the case.

 

as for my ex, well, there's this weird thin tether of her clothes being at my place. she hasn't asked for them back. the clothes has some sentimental value to her. one being her grandmother's coat and the other her maid of honor's dress at her best friend wedding. throughout out the end of our relationship, she had been running back and forth between hot and cold. one part is afraid to lose me and the other fears the loss of her independence. whatever the case, her fears and anxiety was overwhelming her and said she needed some time. which has been over a month and it seems as if she's just getting more and more distant. but the clothing seems like a back door back for her, which i would be open to under certain circumstances. i know this seems to be part assumption and skewed perception on my part. but she's kind of adverse to me probing about where we are at and pulls away at the mention of relationship. there's a lot of ambiguity. needless to say, my patience has run out and need to move on.