Extremely confused, do men only want one thing? what do you make of this? Advise Please xxx

[Just Me85]

For the last few months, a male friend/acquaintance has been texting me and talking to me but I have been very wary of him. He always seemed to just invite me over to his place and I would avoid it because it just reeked of booty call to me.

 

My past relationship ended badly and I have had a bad experience where a guy friend took advantage of me and I was in a situation where if I had said no I wouldnt have had a choice. It was scary and traumatic and now I have this massive thick guard up against men. So as you can imagine, my friend inviting me over to his place terrified me!

 

Anyway he was texting again yesterday and I said I didnt feel comfortable going round to watch a film (I always say this to him) and for the first time he asked me why so I kinda vaguely explained that something happened to me in the past which makes me cautious of these things. He said that he just wanted to hang out and its no big deal if I dont want to, he sounded really sincere and he told me other people were home so I went round because I do want to get to know him, he does seem sweet apart from this "booty call" thing that I was assuming.

 

Anyway, I get round there, we watch telly in his room and chat, his room was really small so we were sitting on his sofabed. He was really caring and kept asking if I was okay and he put his arm around me and gave me a cuddle while we were watching a film

 

He didnt try anything at all he just put his arm around me and let me fall asleep on his shoulder, I was really tense the whole time though but he kept reassuring me so eventually I relaxed and it was just really nice.

 

He drove me home, nothing happened at all just cuddles and I realised that maybe hes not just after one thing? He genuinely shows interest in me and he has this weird calming effect. I definitely would have freaked out if he had tried anything but he didnt and I was really impressed.

 

I really want to hang out with him again but he hasnt text me or been in touch since last night, so I cant help but think he maybe thought he was going to get some, or could that just be my paranoia? I have been so weird towards this guy Im suprised he even wanted to hang out, I push and pull and I have messed him around in the past because Ive been so messed up and terrified of men!

 

Do you think he likes me? Sorry for the rant x

[sidehop]

He does seem to care a lot

 

And if it's more comfortable for you, maybe you could suggest going out in public places that way you don't feel nervous every time?

 

I'm sure he's giving you some space so he's not overwhelming you, I wouldn't take it in a negative way.

[lavenderdove]

Men have emotions and fall in love too, so they are not all 'after just one thing.'

 

But of course one of the reasons people date, have girlfriends/boyfriends and marry IS because they want a partner to have sex with. So if you want a guy who never wants sex, then that is not normal nor is it a good relationship.

 

So you have to stop the black and white thinking. It's not either/or. There are some guys of course who are players and lie and deceive women in order to score and have sex, but there are MORE good guys who are decent to women and of course want sex, but that is not all they want, they want someone to love and be with in every way.

 

What you need to look for is a guy who treats you with respect and doesn't push you to do things you don't want to do, and who is willing to wait until you are comfortable and trust him, as long as you are eventually willing to have sex with him (and want to have sex with him).

 

If you think sex is 'bad' now, or that all men are bad, then you need to get counseling to get some perspective. If you had a terrifying sexual experience, then I do think it is a really good idea to get counseling, since sex in the context of a loving relationship is one of the best things life has to offer, and you don't want to miss out on it.

 

Just keep talking to this guy and if he makes you uncomfortable, tell him so. If he's interested in you as a person, he will respect that and not push you til you're ready.

[Batya33]

I am sorry you went through that. I would suggest planning a real date and would be somewhat wary of a man inviting you over to his place for a first date. Also, I would avoid falling asleep while alone with him - not because he would take advantage of you but because it furthers the impression that the two of you are just hanging out and hooking up rather than seeing whether there is potential for a relationship. Planning dates out in public that don't involve much alcohol if any is the way to go in my opinion.

[Just Me85]

Yeah I understand this, I guess thats why I am still kinda wary.

 

To me it also doesnt bode well that I text him to say thankyou for hanging out and I had a really nice time and he didnt reply yet..Part of me wonders whether maybe he was expecting me to come onto him anyway and was maybe a bit annoyed I didnt, either way I wouldnt have been ready. I really am in the early stages of wanting to get to know him as a person. He doesnt exactly wear his heart on his sleeve either, but at least I know I can be his friend and I dont have to fear..

 

As for counselling I just completed some at Relate (they are a UK charity for people with relationship or sexual issues) and they seem to think I have my head screwed on. Counselling has taught me only to do what I want to do, I cant control others so I need to take care of me, it makes sense, but Im still going to be guarded.

 

Its very much a battle because as a 23 year old girl, of course I want to have sex! But Im scared and I want to wait for someone who will accept me as I am and will understand in case I dunno I burst into tears or freak out or something. But it does get hard because I miss having intimacy, yet I flinch when a man touches me.

 

Stoopid I know.

 

If this guy actually wants to get to know me and likes me as a person then I can see myself gaining respect for him and it will make me like him more. On the surface he seems like one of the good guys, but there is sometimes more than meets the eye.

[Batya33]

Well I hope you decide to change the title of your post or rethink it because this is just about this one man and the one man who assaulted you - not "men" (I am 20 years older than you, was in the dating scene for almost 2 years and for the most part was treated with respect and like a lady by the many men I dated and was involved with).

 

It's pretty easy to tell if a particular person has ulterior motives in dating - if his invitations are basically to hang out and hook up (or potentially) then there are no ulterior motives -- his clear motives are to hang out and hook up. If a man asks you out on dates he plans in advance that involve actiities in public then you know he is trying to get to know you as a person. Then, you also see how he reacts to your expressing your boundaries as far as physical affection/intimacy. As long as you are not making him wait as some sort of test/game then he should respect your boundaries and values or of course stop seeing you if he is looking for someone willing to move faster.

 

My sense is with this guy that he had a good time hanging out with you but might not see you as a potentially good match for him - nothing personal - this happens often early on in the dating process - but I would leave the ball in his court. Also I would focus more on going on dates rather than getting to know someone by hanging out and hooking up/cuddling - that makes things confusing because you probably wouldn't cuddle that way with just a platonic friend and it leaves too much room for misunderstandings about intentions.

It's great to have platonic friends, and platonic friends can start dating down the road but the platonic part really needs to be purely platonic with the intentions being to get to know each other as friends not as hook up buddies.