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I don't know how to be angry...


-Sanguine-
Anger Problems
Anger Problems

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I'm just not an angry kind of person in any way. I'm always told that I'm too nice and not aggressive enough. I can tell certain people I feel, but there are certain others that I can't. There are things that bother me - ie. past arguments with a friend and my boyfriends spending habits, but I don't do anything about it. Whenever I feel like I'm mad, I think a lot. I think about every side of the issue and try to see things from both perspectives. I usually decide that I am overreacting and hold the feelings back until they don't feel as intense. Sometimes I do feel as though I have the right to be mad and I will tell the person how I feel. I hope for an apology and hopefully get one.

 

I guess all I'm wondering is

do you think one day I'll just blow up?

Not literally of course, but I mean, with anger... my boyfriend thinks one day I'll just be so angry because I hold it in that I'll just let it all out at once.

The thing is, I don't know how to be mad now! I try and I can't even when I feel I should be. I don't like confrontation with people that are important to me. I like things to flow smoothly and peacefully. Even on this site, I find myself being careful with what I say so I don't start anything.

 

Any thoughts?

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I was like this for many years. In the end I've concluded that I was afraid of being Not Nice - which really came down to not accepting myself and not believing others would either.

 

I believe it's really important to acknowledge anger. Sometimes religion plays a part (I was trained to forgive!)

 

The main thing I have learnt is that I'm not some all-powerful being whose anger can destroy others... another reason I was afraid of ever feeling it or venting it.

 

Now I am not afraid of it being inappropriate, or blowing up into something big, or ruining lives.

 

I did have a dreadful temper as a kid. I was afraid to let it out again, but it's fine. Nobody I know would ever guess I had a temper, now.

 

I've had quite a bit of professional help with this at various times. If people around you think you will 'blow' one day, they perhaps see anger in you of which you are unaware.

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OP, I think in life we only do ourselves harm if we over-accommodate. Or accommodate, period. If we accommodate too much, then people walk over us. By being firm and stating our case, it shows we have confidence and won't tolerate persons walking over us.

 

I think people who don't express anger, or who avoid expressing anger, are in danger of letting people walk over them.

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I would learn to speak up from time to time. Don't over analyze everything. Just take some deep breaths, then say what you are feeling.

 

If you find yourself "stewing" about something that happened, then you are probably going to blow up one of these days. Sanadee is quite right, that accommodating people without making sure it is reciprocal can wear you down. I know from experience! But Speranza is also right -- yelling at someone, when the reason is appropriate, won't kill the person.

 

It's fine to try and consider the whys and wherefores of what people do or say, but if you are analyzing their behavior instead of speaking about how you are feeling, then you are forfeiting your own responsibility AND you're taking on their responsibility to explain themselves. Take steps now to be an assertive person, and it will help you for the rest of your life.

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I would learn to speak up from time to time. Don't over analyze everything. Just take some deep breaths, then say what you are feeling.

 

If you find yourself "stewing" about something that happened, then you are probably going to blow up one of these days. Sanadee is quite right, that accommodating people without making sure it is reciprocal can wear you down. I know from experience! But Speranza is also right -- yelling at someone, when the reason is appropriate, won't kill the person.

 

It's fine to try and consider the whys and wherefores of what people do or say, but if you are analyzing their behavior instead of speaking about how you are feeling, then you are forfeiting your own responsibility AND you're taking on their responsibility to explain themselves. Take steps now to be an assertive person, and it will help you for the rest of your life.

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