Break up/Make up.....right mess!!! Need help

[donpeel83]

Hi guys,

 

Ive posted briefly before but i feel the need to share my whole story, pour out my heart and seek help really.

 

Ok – me. Well, i had a 2 year relationship with the “love of my life” and we did things very fast. We got a flat really quick and all of that. Basically, over the two years i was slowly immasculated by her constant put downs of always calling me stupid, worthless and ugly etc...you know , the usual stuff really. Then, bang on 3 months ago i catch her literally in bed with another man (they were both naked and passed out) and we broke up.

 

Now, heres the thing. At the moment im missing her like hell and i cant work out why. Ive been on dates since over the last 3 months but im finding myself still thinking about her and struggling. The thing is when we lived together we had a really nice flat, an alright amount of money as i earnt a decent wage and i always tried to look after her the best i could. Now, i know she has had to move into an exceptionally rough part of my home town (which she funnily said she hated when we first started going out and that she would hate to live there too) and because of this and the fact i drove past her recently and she looked glum has made me want to contact her to basically try and get back with her despite everything.

 

The thing is when we split up she did start saying lots of things to her friends about me which were untrue to justify her behaviour no doubt and i know that would likely mean she would be too proud to admit she was in the wrong and to admit her mistakes. I dont know what im really asking here to be fair, just need someone to talk sense into me or to sugest if they think i should try and make contact or leave it as hard as it will be...

 

Also, in situations like this when the dumper and the perpetrator of the evil being the same person, will that person ever look to recontact the person they screwed over if they know they made a mistake?? (Does this make sense??)

 

Plus i keep getting temtpations to drive past her flat which i know is wrong and creepy but im in that emotionally lost and miserable stage despite all that she did...

 

Any help or feedback would be welcomed.

[pinkrobot]

Ive been on dates since over the last 3 months but im finding myself still thinking about her and struggling.

 

Part of the problem is you haven't allowed yourself to properly heal. You say you broke up 3 months ago, yet in the past 3 months you've been trying to date? Of course you're still thinking about her, you've hardly been split up from her...

 

As hard as it is, you just have to be patient and allow yourself to heal before you try and move on. Trying to rush the healing process only makes it harder, and if you're rushing it it isn't as genuine (IMO). Focus on yourself and stay busy. Hobbies, clubs, work, friends, family, travel--whatever you can do that will take your mind off of her and put more focus on yourself. After you've healed, THEN is the time to date around and find another great girl. But for now, focus on you.

 

Good luck, hope you start feeling better.

[HeartGoesOn]

What you're missing is the person that you thought, and hoped she was. She showed you her true colors when she called you "stupid, ugly and worthless", and then put the icing on the cake, by having you catch her in bed with another man.

 

Is this the kind of person that you see a future with?

[Rob1000]

Dude, she has done you a huge favour. Stay away from this girl or confine yourself to years and years of misery and heart break!

[SimplySmashing]

No really don't have anything more to do with her. She has done some unacceptable things. Can she change? maybe. But she needs to come to you on the off chance that she is willing to improve her behavior.

[DN]

It would be a huge mistake to get back with her.

[hebrkmyhrt]

Ive said and done some hurtful things in anger when aurguing with my ex but i would never intentionally put him down.

You dont call someone you love ugly, stupid or worthless. You want them to feel good about themselves and be happy. Then finding her in bed with someone else. She obviously didnt give a damn for your feelings.

Dont waste your time on her. She doesnt deserve you.

 

I can only give you my opinion, i cant really offer you advice as im only going through my 1st breakup at the moment. Well we're still trying to work it out...its complicated...lol.

 

I hope you get over her though and find someone who appreciates and respects you more than she did. As rob1000 said with her you'll probably confine yourself to years of misery and heartbreak.

[donpeel83]

Thanks guys i know what your all saying is the truth but im struggling to accept it in my head.

 

I think the keeping busy thing is what i need to do. I think i havent been keeping busy enough. In the week time im super busy at work working 8-6 earning a very good living but at the weekends im left moping feeling sorry for myself and missing her and the life i use to have (Which wasnt that great anyways to be honest)

 

However tonight i did something very very stupid.....I drove to her new hole of a flat and basically, well no easy way to put this so i'll just say it, basically stalked her in that i was watching her flat......but Why?? Its like im enjoying hurting myself!!!

[SnowFox]

OP- I am sorry you are going through this - its very painful. Keep posting and reading here- there is lots of good stuff to help you get through this.

 

I am just going to ramble for a bit here and throw some ideas out - maybe you will find some of them useful....

 

I think that after a break-up, we need to balance staying busy/distractions with giving ourselves down-time to process our emotions. Too much on either side of the scale will leave us unbalanced.

 

Its good to find new people and activities to fill our time with. Its also good to spend time alone letting our emotions out- like crying, or talking to supportive friends, or talking to a counselor, or writing in a journal or posting here. If we don't face the emotions and let them pass through us, they will be the baggage we bring into our next relationship.

 

The body and mind's natural instinct after a loss is to grieve. Grief is healthy and will come to an end, if we allow ourselves to feel those intense emotions of sadness, anger, disappointment, abandonment, etc. They will come over us in waves and then gradually diminish.

 

Its actually a fun experiment to try if you are feeling a strong emotion- take notice of when it starts, observe it as it builds to a peak and then watch as it gradually fades away. The nature of any emotion is that it is temporary. Its the way our bodies are wired. That is why its good to learn not be scared of intense emotions - they never last forever, they can't!

 

A meditation teacher told this story and its always stuck with me:

 

When he was going through a really difficult time, just feeling completely overwhelmed with the problems in his life, he finally just said to himself, "OK, mind, I know all you can throw at me are thoughts and emotions...that's all you've got...so go ahead...give them to me...give me your best shot."

 

I always remembered that because I thought it was such an intriguing concept -that the worst my mind could do to me was bombard me with various thoughts and feelings. It really puts things in an interesting perspective.

[donpeel83]

With what happened this evening and the fact i fear im lilkely to want to do this again nwith the stalking thing, should i seek out professional help??

[SnowFox]

I think if you are aware that you are having difficulty not acting out on your feelings - and you are doing things that could be called "stalking" - then, yes, it might be a good idea to get some professional help.

 

Do you know how to find a therapist?

[donpeel83]

Well im looking to get into contact with an organisation in my home town. Also, ive told mny family about what ive done and they were very stern strict but supportive with what im going through at the moment.

 

I just dont understand why im still feeling like i miss her and that i want her back despite how horrible she was to me?!?!?!

[gvision]

if you get back with her

 

things will be great for a while

 

and then she will do this again

 

save ur self the heartache the second time around, by letting this one go now

[IGlareOften]

Not at all. Professional help may only exacerbate your feelings. Honestly, this will sound weird, but write down a list of every mean thing she's done, that you can think of. every name she's called you and every rude thing she's put you through. Then, write down every nice thing about her. Compare the lists. More than likely, the con list will be way longer.

 

For one, mate, you're older. Obviously more mature. She's 25. If she finds you ugly, stupid or worthless....and says as much, that will not change. Do you find yourself to be ugly, worthless and stupid? If that's the case, then by all means...phone her up and try to reconcile. If you don't feel like you are, I'd say you do your best to find closure. Her dire straits are NOT your fault. They are consequences of her own poor judgment. Her sadness is NOT your fault. It's another consequence. By entertaining thoughts of her being someone you want again, you're saying her happiness and comfort is more important than your own. You're a human being, mate. You deserve someone who is kind and sweet and loves you for you. In no way, no time, no situation is verbal abuse EVER okay. You said she emasculated you. You do realize that has a lot to do with your feelings now. If she stripped you of some of your manhood, maybe you are having a hard time finding it again. Do things to make YOU feel good, and to rebuild your manhood. She is not a good person, Mate. No matter how you swing it, and even if you do get back together..she will be the same. Cheaters and abusers remain as such...until they have a "coming to Jesus talk or encounter" Which means...they are knocked in the head and face with their decisions. She feels no remorse, that's obvious by her spreading lies about you.

 

So, to recap. She cheated on you. She verbally abused you. She lied about you and never apologized to you. She disrespected you and took you for granted. She emasculated you and made you believe you were something that you're not. Less than.

 

Hmmm....let's see. Should you get back with her? Let me think....

[donpeel83]

Update:

 

Hey guys, ok so i havent posted for about 5-6 weeks so i thought id give everyone an insight into where im at.

 

I've been trying to keep myself alot busier then before by going out more and away at the weekends, whilst within the week time cracking down with work and focusing on that which has been great. For the best part of the last few weeks my ex has been out of my thoughts.

 

However....i started to have a relapse a few days ago because it was her nephews 4th bday and I loved her family to bits as they were like an extension of my family. Then, on Saturday night, her brother invited me round his for a few drinks and i went and im not sure i should have gone. Basicvally, my ex has recently screwed her own brother over on something and during this catch i fear i went into a near juvenille mode by dishing some dirt on my ex to her bro. Probably not a wise idea i know. However, what i did learn, and this helped restore my faith in karma, is that she is really struggling financially, up to her eye balls in debt and her job is going at Christmas. WHilst this made me feel great because im now earning more than i didwhen i was with her, and my job is just in general getting better, what he did tell me was the one thing we hate to hear......she has someone else.

 

With her new guy, her bro basically said he seems like me, in that he is quite a soft lad and no doubt easily mainupluated just like i was. However im torn with what i feel. Part of me feels like im bitter that she now has someone else and i dont and that im still obviously trying to heal from what she did to me. However, part of me is amused that this guy is obviously going to end up getting the same treatment as me and will be used and abused like I and her previous exs were.

 

I was wondering how you guys out there dealt with it when you knew yor ex had found someone else? Did you hurt, did it hurt for long?

 

Thanks for listening