zinny Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 Hi All, It's been a while since I've posted... first in the breaking up forum and then the healing after breaking up forum. My ex dumped me for the second time in a matter of 3 weeks and I was at the end of my rope grovelling.... We had a major issue... which we are still working on. But I finally ended NC a few days ago after receiving multiple messages and the last one asking me whether I could give him another chance. He knows he devastated me with the last break up and I was trying my hardest to let him go.... and the NC I think got to him... because this was the first time that I didn't cry, beg and grovel for him to give me another shot. So we've been chatting on friendly terms since the end of the NC.... and we've discussed that we acknowledge the fights we had and the problems we had are things we BOTH need to work on if we have a chance. At the same time, I told him that I'm not in a position to jump back into a relationship with him... and I can't bandage the pain in my heart from all that has happened. But I'm willing to see if we can work out our issues and get back what we had without all the fighting (especially over the same issue). I agreed that I was open to taking things slow and seeing where it goes. So we've just been chatting.... Today I got a "Formal Invitation" for a date this weekend.... a nice dinner at one of my favourite restaurants and then to go to a carnival - because I love carnivals, especially at night with all the lights. It was a very cute gesture, with a start time and an end time... because he also knows I'm not willing to hop back into sleepovers with him So I rsvp'd to his date as requested and he then called me to confirm... It's weird, but it's so different this time around, I feel like we have a second shot at making us work but at the same time it's hopefully a different us... a fresh start.... I still have my reservations, but I'm excited at the same time. I'm being open minded but I know what I need in a partnership and I'm not willing for anything less... and he agrees that we both have to see what we are willing to give and what we are willing to accept.... So... thanks for all the great advice... I feel like I really have a REAL second shot.... I'll keep you all in the loop Link to comment
doiiiieeezie Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 That is great! Keep us informed and have fun! Link to comment
tks Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 yay! I'm excited for you! You've got it right, take it sloooowww... Link to comment
langford Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 it wont work as soon as he's ended the chase intiated by NC it will be bck to square one. Link to comment
firstlove Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 I feel happy for you. How long was the NC? Link to comment
Lavender25 Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 it wont work as soon as he's ended the chase intiated by NC it will be bck to square one. I think someone is on the wrong forum... Link to comment
rigguy Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 ^This is exactly what I was going to post. I might have said it a bit differently. Such as "he wants you because he doesn't have you". Once he's got you, you're like the fish in the bucket that's just a bit too small. Back in the ocean you will go. Hopefully you won't be in the bucket so long that you suffocate from the lack of oxygen. I disagree, if NC was long enough things may have changed. Accent is on MAY HAVE. That is why I agree with tks, everything have to fall into place naturally and comments like that do not help anything. If anything it will plant a seed of suspicion and doubt again. You may like or dislike that change. If you want to try again play it on your terms, make your partner work for it as you did when you first started. You will know if this is fake. Link to comment
SnowFox Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 I think his date request is really sweet!!! Especially putting an end time on it! I hope things go well for you both! Link to comment
rigguy Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 Nah. She was begging and pleading less than a month ago. Check out her other thread. ] kayan hope you did not take my post as an offense. Too bad zinny did not post their ages, would have made it easier to understand. Nevertheless, wasting a couple weeks of NC healing time may be worth it, if one is willing to risk it. She sounded as she does, personally it would take me a few months after 1.5 years. All there is to risk is the progress you made so far, zinny you got to do what feels right. Be warned, kayan is right changes don't happen that fast... Cheering for you, hope everything works out, zinny!! Really hope you don't prove me wrong kayan!! Link to comment
zinny Posted September 4, 2009 Author Share Posted September 4, 2009 Hi All, Thanks for all the opinions.... Good and bad. Yes, I do know that NC between him and I was short..... Whether or not people think I should of held off longer - possibly, but the simple fact is that I do still love him and if there is a chance we can finally get our act together, then I think its worth the risk. Plus I also don't think you can put a timeline on when it would be right on trying again. That really just depends on the people involved... And the effort they are willing to make. I also agree that change doesn't happen overnight, this is precisely why I'm not going into this with rose coloured glasses. There is one big thing that causes about 80% of our fights when we are together and I know it doesn't suddenly vanish. He knows where I stand and what I need in a partner and I do the same for him. This is why I agreed on a single date. I'm willing to test the water without jumping in head first. I told him if we can't resolve our differences than we have no chance. He agrees. All I know is that I couldn't say no out of fear he will leave again.... Because the truth is I'm not in a position where I want to be his GF. Not until we solve our problems, but like I said.... I'm willing to see if we can't and if we can't... Then at least I can walk away saying we tried... And it just didn't work out. I'll keep everyone updated, but don't expect huge leaps of changes... Because I certainly don't. I know what I want and its because of people here. Especially one that I've been talking to more.... She's gotten me to see through all the hurt and fear and see what is there. You know who you are and I'm so grateful for your friendship. Link to comment
rigguy Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 update? hope everything went well!! Link to comment
zinny Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 Hi rigguy, I wasn't too sure people wanted an update... but since you asked The date was fun.... he came and picked me up and took us out to one of my favourite places to eat. At first, there was some awkward moments... but we began to talk... and I said, we needed to lay things out on the line.... I opened up my feelings... and told him what it was that I think causes 80% of our fights.... and he agrees that he knows this is true. He then told me that my deleting him off my Blackberry and then disappearing.... it destroyed him... and made him realize how selfish he had been in our relationship... and that he was so focused on his own feelings, that he didn't take into account mine and he was sorry for that. That he knows I've been trying to make positive changes to compromise for US and that he knows that he needs to "grow up" and do the same. So basically I told him that until that issue is resolved, I will not enter a relationship with him again. I did tell him that my feelings are still there as they don't go away overnight, but I know that if that issue remains - the cycle for the next big blow up and break up is inevitable. He agrees and said he's working on getting rid of the issue from his end... he told me that it's not empty promises and I will see results... and he will prove to me how much he wants this.... and he's been blind and will not be again. Our serious talk was maybe for the first hour and then we just had fun on our date. Updated each other on anything new and enjoyed the other one's company..... He had me home by midnight, walked me to the door.... gave me a hug and peck goodnight and told me that he would call me the next day - and actually did So at this time, I guess we are dating but not in a relationship and I'm happy.... I know what I need and what I want in a partner.... and he needs to decide whether he can give that to me. He's sent me messages everyday since then just to say hi and requested to add me back on his blackberry (LOL).... He sent me a request for another date tonight after work but I told him I wasn't sure because it depended on how I felt after work.... so he told me to just let him know, the invitation is open..... if not he asked for a raincheck for the weekend if I was free..... So at this point, I'm just focusing on me.... as much as I love him and I do - I love him more than anyone.... I know that there are things that need to be changed in order for us to have a real chance. I also know that he might be just be in a state of "doing anything because she left".... and I don't need a relationship full of empty promises.... so as I am willing to take a chance on him, I'm not limiting myself by jumping completely back in..... and see if we can get through what we need to or if we need to walk away for good for both are sakes..... I'm feeling a lot more positive on my own.... I've spent loads more time with friends and family.... and I'm also learning that balance in my life is something that I've neglected after being with him and I refuse to ever do that for any man again.... and I have him that thank for that... his leaving me again and again - has made me a stronger person... and maybe this is a good thing for him, maybe not... but either way - it's an amazing thing for me. I'll let you all know what else happens.... but I guess for now, I'm a single girl.... who gets asked out on dates by her ex. No sleepovers, nothing more than a hug and peck goodnight and no expectations for the "knight and shining armour".... all we have is a possible chance...... a chance at getting it right this time..... when it's right for both of us. Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Zinny, So glad that everything is going well. It is very good that he seems to be really invested in making things work. If he was only half in and you had blamed yourself for everything (a common ploy with dumpee), you would not be in as good a place to work on your issues. When my ex broke up with me, after a few weeks I was thinking it was all my fault and I should go back to him and say I'm so sorry, I will be better, blah,blah, blah. Fortunately I didn't do that (whew!) We had some problems that really needed work for which we were both at fault. If I took all the blame, he would not have been as inclined to work on the problems. So there was a part of me that said just take me back and another part that said we can't be together until we face these problems head on. Ok, so the point is that I think the way you are getting back together bodes really well for the health of your future relationship together. So happy for you! Link to comment
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