Slow dater who can't make a decision about me

[peppercorn]

I finally had a talk with the guy I've been seeing (known him for two months now) regarding where we're heading. Ultimately, he kind of confirmed my hunch. When I asked him if he was looking for something casual or something more, he told me, "In all honesty I like how things are going in that it's becoming less casual in a natural manner. Does that make sense?" I agreed, because it does make sense to me (that's how I've been feeling, too, more or less). He went on to say that he wants to spend more time with me but feels bad about the fact that he has too many hours at work / works a highly demanding job, but that he "obviously likes me" and would like to keep seeing me. He proceeded to make little jokes about how he will "try not to sleep with other girls" while on his trip abroad and that he is okay with me "window shopping" but hopefully nothing more.

 

So now my question is: what to do about those who take a looong time to decide about you? First off, I already know I'm going to refrain from continuing to get as physical with him as I have been... that's a given, to me. There is no way I'm getting into a position where I end up having sex with him after another month, and then he jets.

 

But what else should I do, and more pertinently, how else should I feel? I normally know what I want with someone after this amount of time, and I'm not a fan of him harbouring a halfass interest in me for an indefinite amount of time. Granted -- if it keeps growing as I sense it has been (and as he apparently does too), then I think I would be happy. But I still cannot help but pick up on the feeling that he is surprised by how interested he has become. I think he thought it would end far sooner, and because of this, he's in limbo right now. Stupidly, though, he doesn't seem to lack a physical attraction toward me (which was initially the reason I thought he was on the fence).

 

I assume that if the person isn't sure about me after two months, they never will be and it's time for them to proceed!! Am I wrong? Should I ask to be friends? Maybe I should! That, or I continue to see him with an express timeline in mind, and actively put myself around other men as well.

 

Is it mean for me to have a timeline?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

"In all honesty I like how things are going in that it's becoming less casual in a natural manner. Does that make sense?"

 

he wants to spend more time with me but feels bad about the fact that he has too many hours at work / works a highly demanding job, but that he "obviously likes me" and would like to keep seeing me. He proceeded to make little jokes about how he will "try not to sleep with other girls" while on his trip abroad and that he is okay with me "window shopping" but hopefully nothing more.

.

 

This man talks in riddles. The minute someone talks in riddles like that then it is best to assume that he is not interested and by all means "window shop" and kick this guy to the curb. He is stringing you along. At 2 months he should have a yes or no answer. He is keeping you around just in case. I wouldn't bet on him being faithful to you while away. A man who is really interested in a woman does not respond the way he did. Save yourself a lot of heartache and walk away from this man. If he starts off talking in riddles that is the kind of man he is and it won't get better later on.

[itsallgrand]

What is it that you want? Can't tell you what you should do, since it all depends on what you are looking for and what you are willing to do.

Does he know what you are looking for and what your expectations are?

 

The way things are sitting, there seems to be no reason you shouldn't be around other men while seeing him and even going on dates. Doesn't sound like he is prepared to be exclusive. Or, you could simply see other men.

 

I've been seeing a guy for around three months and we had the exclusive talk at around the two month point. Since I wasn't in a rush nor sure myself that I was ready to commit so early on, we are doing a trial run where we have decided to just see each other and see how it goes. He's been clear about what he wants; and I know he won't be letting this go on without some sort of choice one way or another. That's fair, it's not mean to me, it shows me he isn't prepared to give up what he's wanting to sit and wait for me.

 

I guess I share this to say, it's a lot easier if you just talk about it and are upfront. No one is guessing that way. I think his teasing of you was kinda lame, that's just me.

 

How long is he going away abroad for? Even if you do progress with this guy - you are looking at a guy who works a lot and a high stress job. Would you be alright with that if you were to become a couple?

 

The signs here tend to point that you are better off not worrying too much about this guy.

[peppercorn]

Even if you do progress with this guy - you are looking at a guy who works a lot and a high stress job. Would you be alright with that if you were to become a couple? .

 

That doesn't phase me at all. I bury myself in work as well. I think we have points of commonality.

 

But he evidently doesn't feel the desire to be in a relationship. I don't think a person should have to take time to get "in tune" with their emotions; they should know after two months how they feel about someone.

 

I'm 99% sure we've been dating exclusively for the past month or more. I do trust that he is a genuine person (with reason). He's not on his trip for long but I do think his teasing of me WAS "kinda lame" as you say... it kind of cheapened any sense of seriousness...

 

So, time to pull away...

 

Thanks!

[itsallgrand]

Okey dokey, good stuff. Glad you've got it cleared up in your mind.

 

You knew but needed to make sure, eh.

[sarahN]

He doesn't seem that interested in anything committed or long term. Yeah, you two may "like" each other, but I feel the liking should be dwindling away and a much stronger connection should be forming after 2 months. If you are looking for a more casual relationship, this sounds absolutely perfect. We both know you want more though. Also, I think it's mature to have a time-line. It's not like you haven't given him a more than fair chance.

[peppercorn]

.

 

This man talks in riddles. The minute someone talks in riddles like that then it is best to assume that he is not interested and by all means "window shop" and kick this guy to the curb. He is stringing you along. At 2 months he should have a yes or no answer. He is keeping you around just in case. I wouldn't bet on him being faithful to you while away. A man who is really interested in a woman does not respond the way he did. Save yourself a lot of heartache and walk away from this man. If he starts off talking in riddles that is the kind of man he is and it won't get better later on.

 

I'm not at all banking on him being "faithful" while he's away. On some level, I don't particularly care; we never spoke about exclusivity. I refuse to give that much of a damn about someone who's evidently on the fence. I would've hoped that by his age, he could be more decisive and know whether he's found what he wants (more or less) with me after two months... but then, it's not unheard of for people to string other people along as potential backups...

[peppercorn]

He doesn't seem that interested in anything committed or long term. Yeah, you two may "like" each other, but I feel the liking should be dwindling away and a much stronger connection should be forming after 2 months. If you are looking for a more casual relationship, this sounds absolutely perfect. We both know you want more though. Also, I think it's mature to have a time-line. It's not like you haven't given him a more than fair chance.

 

Cool, thanks. On this end, I feel like a stronger connection is forming -- but on his end, evidently not as strong. That isn't to say it hasn't been growing (he's picked up on it as well)... but not at the speed with which it should.

[Batya33]

I don't think two months is too long. I probably wouldn't date someone longer than three months without exclusivity but wouldn't expect him to know whether we are a good match for the long term. I do think he is not being clear with you. He gives the lame excuse about his job and then tells you he is ok with you keeping your options open.

 

So, here is what I would do. See him once a week at the most, and try to avoid that night being on a Saturday (i.e. date night). Talk with him once or twice a week at the most (unless there's a quick conversation to confirm or change a plan). Make sure you keep your options open (but don't talk to him about that - that's tacky - just do it). And yes I agree that you should not have sex with him yet. This way, if his feelings continue to grow that's cool but you won't get too emotionally invested in him while he sits on the fence. I would give him another month or so and if he hasn't asked you to be exclusive by then I would move on.

[peppercorn]

Wow... fantastic advice, Batya. I've already made comments about us needing a "day" date (it's been nightly for the past few weeks because of his work). I think a day date would be exceedingly helpful to clarify where things have been going; the last time we managed to have time during the day there was more progression then than we saw any time AFTER that point.

 

I think I will do exactly what you've suggested! Thanks!

 

I agree that 2 months isn't enough to see if you'd be a good match in the long run... I certainly haven't been able to tell until months into a relationship. In a way, it's oddly refreshing to have things progressing slowly.

 

I will be present, but keep my options open, and consider a +1 month "timeline"...

[toflyforreal]

to the OP - i think you are following a good hunch.

 

unless he comes back from the trip with more of a solid declaration of how he feels / where he sees things going, i'd consider it over for both of your own goods.

[offplanet]

I might have too much pride, but I wouldn't like the fact that someone hadn't made up their mind if I was 'worth it', and had to spend more time deciding. I would say 'stuff that!'

[peppercorn]

I might have too much pride, but I wouldn't like the fact that someone hadn't made up their mind if I was 'worth it', and had to spend more time deciding. I would say 'stuff that!'

 

Mmmhmmm....

 

There's the rub.

 

In a way, I see what he means by what he's said. I feel like there is potential (and I perceive he feels that way too) but SOMETHING is getting in the way. Possibly, it should just end for my sake.

 

I'm considering taking Batya's approach based on the fact that I know he isn't heartless scum and deserves to be somewhat selfish when it comes to love... but geh, it doesn't feel good at all to have someone "debating" about you... it stings...

[Batya33]

Just to be clear - do you want him to decide whether to stop seeing other people or do you want him to decide whether you're the one, and/or whether he loves you? Does he understand what you want him to figure out?

[peppercorn]

One of the worst parts is that he seems to express his feelings in terms of needing to console me somehow. Like, "I don't just with anyone." Alright, cool... I didn't THINK so... but you're still not giving me an answer...?

 

For some reason, after our conversation last night, I felt okay about what he said and expressed that "that is okay with me and clearly we are on the same page." I do feel like we're more or less on the same page, because I have no idea if we would be a "great long-term match" either; and it was good to at least hear that he thinks things have been progressing.

 

But then, the way he phrases things... "it's getting less casual in a natural way" rather than, "it's getting more serious in a natural way"... eeehh...

 

Yes, it's a bit evasive. But then, I did expressly ask, "So, are you looking for something more casual or... ?"

[peppercorn]

Just to be clear - do you want him to decide whether to stop seeing other people or do you want him to decide whether you're the one, and/or whether he loves you? Does he understand what you want him to figure out?

 

I want him to eventually decide whether he wants to be exclusive with me / start a relationship with me. So yes -- to agree to stop seeing other people (which, although he seems to have hinted he may very well do, wasn't 100% clear about it).

 

I think deciding whether you love someone takes time, and I've started being exclusive with someone in the past before I fell in love with them.

 

[edit]: Let me continue by saying that I think, when you meet someone by DATING them, it's impossible to fall in love with them before you start a relationship with them. I think those situations are left to people who have become friends first, fallen in love, and then start a relationship. I think if you see potential with someone and you begin to feel attached, you begin a relationship when you realize it would bother you if they were seeing someone else... not necessarily because you're madly in love with them.

 

I hope I'm making sense...

[peppercorn]

My problem is that I feel as though I need the security of a relationship to get the ball rolling (letting someone in; letting them REALLY get to know the real me; knowing I can start to express care and feeling without being concerned I'm still being assessed in some pseudo interview process).

 

To me, dating is a precusor to this; it's a way to find out if there is chemistry, common ground, and whether we click. After this is discovered, I think it's time to begin a relationship.

 

I feel like everything is there with him, on my end. Evidently, he has enough of a measure of interest in me as well to want to quell my concerns and to keep seeing me in the meantime. But what is it? There must be something amiss, on his end.

 

I think this is coming down in part to his age and his goals. He's 30, and likely wants to be 100% SURE about the next person he enters a relationship with. Until then, he will casually date and see where his emotions take him. He realizes full well that he could unintentionally hurt someone while he tries to find the person who is best for him, and I know he doesn't want to hurt me.

 

As a result, there is a clash in our individual expectations and hopes. He isn't evil. I have to decide whether it matters to me that he needs more time to decide.

[bebeblondie]

I was in a similair situation, which I ended last week. I had been seeing the guy for two months and had known him for a year. Even though we never had any conversations about where this was going, I felt as though his interest wasn't where it should've been at that point. He always had an excuse like work or being too tired yet he would always initiate contact with me. So I started thinking why am I wasting my time liking someone who can take me or leave me? Last week I finally had had enough, realized he was stringing me along and finally told him to lose my number.

 

One of the best decisions I've ever made.

[BriarRose]

2 months is enough time for a man to know if he wants a relationship with you. You should date others.

[peppercorn]

I was in a similair situation, which I ended last week. I had been seeing the guy for two months and had known him for a year. Even though we never had any conversations about where this was going, I felt as though his interest wasn't where it should've been at that point. He always had an excuse like work or being too tired yet he would always initiate contact with me. So I started thinking why am I wasting my time liking someone who can take me or leave me? Last week I finally had had enough, realized he was stringing me along and finally told him to lose my number.

 

One of the best decisions I've ever made.

 

The guy I'm seeing doesn't make excuses and tries to see me as much as possible. Yet, this is exactly what I'm experiencing -- he does keep contacting me, but is indecisive. I feel I may soon do what you've done. Good for you for being strong!

[peppercorn]

Update:

 

I find an email from him this morning (he is still on his trip) being friendly and suggesting getting together this weekend. I sit on it, unsure as to how to reply. I email him this evening being friendly in return; telling him I hope he's been having a good trip; saying I doubt we'll be able to see one another this weekend but to notify me of his schedule and I will as well.

 

About 15 minutes later he tries calling my cell twice. I didn't know because it was away charging and I didn't hear it... only had it on vibrate. Eventually I texted him with "hey what's up? Sorry I didn't get your calls." He hasn't responded. I sense he was calling as a result of my less-than-enthusiastic response to his email (because he never calls).

 

Now I just feel like a wanker. I wish I'd seen him calling so I could've answered. Hopefully he'll call when he gets back and I will have made a decision. Like someone said on this discussion thread, "my ego would be too bruised"... that's how I'm sort of feeling about the whole situation. I'm seriously considering being "friends" and just seeing if a connection builds from that... rather than continuing to put myself in the zone of someone I like who hasn't made a decision about me...

 

On the flipside, maybe this is how adult dating is supposed to be -- slow / gradual... and I should give him a chance just based on the fact that he wants to keep dating me...?

 

This is what I'm looking for, and someone tell me if it doesn't make sense: I don't want or need to be his girlfriend. However, I would have liked for him to suggest dating exclusively for a time. There was no mention of it on his end when I asked him whether he wanted something casual / something more. He seemed to lean on the "casual becoming not-so-casual" side of things.