This is so complicated...or is it?

[ironhound]

This is a pretty complicated stroy: Im a married guy, 36, two kids, fairly happy in my marriage...I didn't marry for love, though: I married out of a set of practical considerations with the most compatible woman I could find (I was under time pressure too). The long and short of it is that we are together 10 years now, we have two wonderful kids aged 5 and 2, and a good life together.

 

For a number of years, I have been "cybering" on IRC...never took it seriously, its just a form of entertainment for me...anyway, about 3 months ago, I cybered with this girl who claimed to be 18, and it was...well, stunning. Unlike anything I've ever done before on the internet (and I've done a lot...)

 

There are no words to describe how "real" it was. After a few days, she told me that we had to meet, that this was as amazing for her as it was for me... but that very night, at 2:30 AM, she sent me a text message saying she had just had sex with her BF, and all she could think of was me... the next morning she sent a series of texts telling how she couldn't allow herself to get involved, and she wanted it to end.

 

Well, that very night we were back at it on the 'net, she told me she couldn't stop, that I had gotten into her head and she couldn't get me out...that we would meet one day, but not now.

 

In the meantime, we began to talk, not just ****, and all sorts of "coincidences" appeared... we both became convinced that we were two halves of one whole, "twin flames" if you will, destined to be together, even if not right now.

 

Since then we are in constant contact - text messages, telephone calls, IRC... but have never met. I want to meet her, just to see her face, but she claims that if we were to meet it would release something in her that would only cause her pain and suffering if she couldn't be with me all the time...so she prefers not to get into it at all. But that doesnt stop her from calling in the middle of the night when she's happy, lonely, horny, sad, whatever...

 

...and for some bizarre reason, instead of just walking away, investing in my wife or finding another lover, I accept her reasoning, because I could never do anything to cause her pain...

 

She has tried to "cool things down" twice now, decided that she needs a break from me... but always makes contact again after a few hours saying she can't bear to be away.

 

I have, incidentally, "confirmed" that she really is who she claims to be... an 18-yo high school senior.

 

This has gone on for 3 months now, but my belief that we will be together someday just gets stronger and stronger.... she is so much a part of me. She is my sister, my lover, my twin... and 18 years my junior. And I have never met her.

 

I often wonder:

 

1. Is the (almost mystic) connection I feel with her real, or the product of my own silly hormones?

2. Is she just playing with me, using me for the attention she gets without having to commit anything from her side?

3. Is it just childish fantasy to think that someday...even in the distant future... we are bound to be together, or is there such a thing as destiny and twin souls?

 

Any comments would be appreciated

[saber92973]

Oh boy! If you are that interested in finding a "soul mate" , lover or anything else, then maybe you should get a divorce from your wife first. Even if you didn't marry for love you still made vows to each other and that should count for something. If you have ANY respect for your wife you will stop what you are doing until you get things clear with her.... whether that means a divorce or seperation. If you have been together for 10 years and have 2 kids together then I would say your wife must have some feelings of love for you and these actions you are taking with this girl will probably hurt her. I hope your reason for staying with your wife isn't because of the children. I think children are smart enough to sense when things are not right and that probably goes double for your wife. Alot of women sense when their mates are doing something they shouldn't be. I don't mean to come down on you so hard but your old enough to know better. I know that how I felt when I was 18 is totally different than I feel right now, my opinions have changed, my outlook on life, just things in general. People mature with age and this girl will also mature and change as she gets older. Not to mention the fact that who I was with when I was 18 is not who I would want to be with today! Taste in everything can change...including your taste in who you are attracted to! Just be honest with yourself. Do you really believe that what your doing is okay? If you are not happy with your wife then maybe you should leave....why live your life being miserable? Good luck and be true to yourself!

[Jen]

Hi. First of all, I would just like to let you know that I do not wish for this to sound harsh or sarcastic at all, and I do not mean it to come accross like that, if it does.

There are a lot of "What If" questions that you do need to be asking yourself right now. Like for instance, what if we do meet, what could happen? What if my wife were to find out about this? What will happen if my wife finds out about this?? What will happen to my marriage? What about the kids? The list goes on, and on, and on.

From the way you described it, it seems that this 18 year old is having problems making up her own mind. First she tells you that she can't bear to be apart from you, then she tells you that she pretty much doesn't want to have anything to do with you. She hasn't even met you.....how does she know that she can't be apart from you??

Before you get yourself into anything that you may regret doing, please think long and hard about the consequences and what could happen. Is this something that you really want to persue??

 

Jen

[ironhound]

I think that I should add some information:

 

First, it is clear that I have issues with my wife. I'm not sure that it is really relevant, however; whatever I decide to do (and I think I am on the way out), I am not going to let this relationship with the girl influence my decision (as far as it is possible to be objective about onesself...)

 

Second, I don't think I did justice to the power of this relationship... I am an attorney and a computer scientist and and absolute rationalist... but in this relationship, things happen, as I said, mystical things... we are very much "together", most of the hours of the day. Sometimes we even manage to touch - mostly when we are not expecting it to happen. Here is an example: under Chinese astrology (and I do not believe in any form of astrology), my sign is "Fire Horse". Once, completely offhandedly, she mentioned to me that she had drawn on the walls of her room... I asked her who was guarding her doorway, and she responded... "its a horse, with wings of fire..." Things like that.

 

I know that the mystical element does nat add or detract in anyway from the very real psychological issues at play here, but nonetheless...it makes you say hmmm....

[saber92973]

I do know what you mean when you mention that you feel a true connection to this lady. I was in a bad relationship for over seven years and in the end I started chatting on line. Well one night I start talking to this guy and we had SO much in common. Matter of fact one night we were both listening to a cd (by the way at this point and time I had no idea what type of music he listened to) and anyhow I asked him what he was listening to..............and i'll be damned if it wasn't the same cd and the same song at the same exact time! Freaky! He was my salvation during a rough period in my life. We are still email buddies today (almost four years later)! Even though we have never met each other I feel like he is one of my best friends and possibly one of the few people who truly understand me. We even found out that we have matching tattoos.....it is truly weird, so when you say you have a connection to her....I do understand. I just hope you clear things up and go on to live a happy life...whether it is with your wife, this other lady or someone else totally different. I just hate to see anyone spend their time in a bad relationship in which they are miserable. But I also believe honesty is the best policy and I am sure you wife will appreciate it if you are honest with her. Good luck!