Now I'm Getting Angry

[AutumnBorn]

Yesterday would have been our 19th wedding anniversary. (We've been divorced 11 months, separated two years.) I was weepy the night before and at 12:05 a.m. 9/1/09 I started journaling all the reasons I was happy I wasn't married to him. The goal was 50 reasons. The list ended last night at midnight at 104.

 

I read Uncoupling recently, which was tremendously helpful in learning about the different stages of breaking up, and I thought I was in a better place. However, after finishing my list, I felt (and continue to feel) so incredibly angry. I don't know what to do with it. I did, however, decide I wasn't going to put up with anymore of his bull and call him on all of it as it happens. He can play his word games ("I wasn't lying. I just withheld some facts.") and manipulations ("I miss you." "I love you.")

 

Today's Issue: Our son insisted, upon our separation two years ago, that we all spend Christmas, Thanksgiving, his and his sisters birthdays together as a family. I told him how painful that would be for me and he said, "it's four days spread over a year. Do it for us". Today I told my son that I couldn't be part of the happy family charade anymore, that I'd understand how difficult it might be for him and his sister to separate the two of us in their minds and lives, as it is for me, but it's past time. His father is dating someone and should consider spending holidays with her, not me. She is the future. I am the past. He sounded so disappointed.

 

Was I wrong?

[karvala]

Probably not, but I might qualify that depending on the ages of your children?

[Keyman]

While your son hopes the family will get back together again and all will carry on without the stress he is feeling, he does not understand how it feels for you. This same issue comes up in so many cliched movies (which often end up in the parents getting back together) but that is all about the romance and has little basis in reality.

 

Your sun does not understand what is going on for you, and cannot possibly know the level of hurt that you are feeling (I assume he is too young to have been in a relationship of any length).

 

While you need to do the best for your kids, you also need to do the best for yourself. The 104 reasons are a start, but not something you should dwell on. Anger serves a part in a break up, but if it becomes the ongoing focus, then it can cause issues in yourself. But after being seperated 2 years, it's time to start putting the anger away and start moving on. Have you met any nice men lately?

[AutumnBorn]

Here's the funny part...our son is 22 - almost 23! Our daughter is 16.

 

So, I told both kids about the holiday split. Surprisingly, they understood and accepted it. Tonight I called the ex and told him. He seemed to be delighted to hear it. It's a done deal.

 

To add to the change, my boss offered to send me to "fat camp" for Thanksgiving week or the week after, along with another office mate who goes quite frequently. I'm not fat (size 6), but I enjoy exercising and he recognizes that I've been through a great deal of stress. He thinks I could do with a little personal time.

 

My list has expanded to 115 reasons I'm happy to not be married to him. (What woman in her right mind wants a man who responds to Craigslist ads for anonymous sex with couples, even if he says it's just a fantasy? Not me.)

 

I've gone on a couple of (bad) dates, but don't know that I'm ready for a relationship. I'm a work in progress. However, I think I'm finally making some.