Internal Struggle of Epic Proportions

[joejoe23]

Please, I could really use some objective 3rd party insight or I'm liable to end up with ulcers.

I have an old girlfriend that has re-entered my life after being away at school for a year and a half, and now I am faced with an imminent decision as to whether to marry her in order to have the time together to see if we could work things out. I have to marry her, as her student visa expires very soon and she would be illegal. No chance at visa extensions as she has already gone that route. My immediate issues:

1. I love her and she has always been my best friend, although some friends say that because I stress best friend, then I don't see her as more than that. Not sure if I agree with that.

2. She has accumulated somewhere in the vicinity of 60,000 dollars of debt from school, and still needs two more semesters to complete her degree. She cannot go back to the school until she pays off the debt but is not real marketable without a degree. I am beating myself up from feeling shallow, superficial and petty to let money issues cloud my feelings for her, but am I deluding myself and that money issues definitely are important?

3. Additionally, she discovered that she has ADD recently which shed a lot of light on why we struggled in the past before she went off to school.

 

Again, I am beating myself up thinking that I am being shallow minded and overly focused on her health issue.

 

If I truly love her and see a future, shouldn't I be able to not be focusing on the finances and health issues?

Any advice/thoughts on whether I should fight to save this relationship, or if I am in denial about my concerns and that this relationship is not meant to be.

I have always been told that you should make deciisons with your heart and not your brain, but my brain is beating me up at the expense of my heart.

 

Thank you for your time and kind responses.

Joe

[pinkrobot]

You should only get married if you're 100% comfortable with the idea.

 

I understand your reasons for wanting to marry her, but if you're struggling with this to the point of almost getting ulcers, that should be enough to tell you it's not the right decision. This isn't like deciding what to wear in the morning, and it's also not something you should have to decide so suddenly.

[odile]

What country are you in, and what country is she from?

You say that she went away for a year and a half for school, yet indicate that the student visa she had was for your country.

 

Can you clarify, please?

 

Also, how long have you been dating?

[odile]

Hang on--

I was asking for clarification because I was going to have a think over your situation and see if there weren't some other options that perhaps you'd not thought of yet.

BUT

I just went back through your old posts, and found this one:

 

 

If you've been together for 4 years, and "never really connected sexually", and you "don't find (her) sexually appealing"...

 

well, Joe, it sounds to me like perhaps your hesitation isn't just about health and finances.

 

In fact, I suspect that maybe you're just pointing those issues out (finances/health) because you feel as if you are "emotionally unevolved and immature" for not being able to "rise above this teenagerish mentality and make the best of it".

 

But there's nothing wrong with wanting to be with a partner who appeals to you sexually.

Maybe it's time that you ended the relationship, anyway?

[DN]

Whose idea is it to get married? I would be very hesitant about marrying someone so she could get a visa - is it possible that is why she has come back into your life?

[vivisection-8]

This sounds scarily opportunistic. You are putting the cart before the horse by marrying someone to see if it would work. The other conditions don't make it anymore attractive.

[jul-els]

You shouldn't marry unless you are 100% sure of it. You're not, so I would advise that you don't.

[Kumatora]

I have an old girlfriend that has re-entered my life after being away at school for a year and a half, and now I am faced with an imminent decision as to whether to marry her in order to have the time together to see if we could work things out. I have to marry her, as her student visa expires very soon and she would be illegal.

Wrong reason to get married. I agree with the other posters. Marriage isn't about trial and error- it's VOWING that you are dedicating yourself to one person for the rest of your life. If money is an issue for the both of you now... just imagine what a divorce could do. IMO, you both don't seem ready for marriage because it is a big responsibility.

 

If you live in the US, marriage no longer grants a person citizenship because of the Patriot Act and 9/11. Immigration standards are strict now than it ever was. So don't get married and think she can stay longer because it's not going to work. This is really her problem, not yours.

 

I have always been told that you should make deciisons with your heart and not your brain, but my brain is beating me up at the expense of my heart

Nope. You should count both. You need logic to see if the relationship is good for you and your partner, and if it is time to support it. Being in a fully committed relationship isn't just about love- it's about being responsible and sharing that responsibility with another person.

[joejoe23]

Thanks Odile for your insight. It is very painful, but I think you are right

[joejoe23]

Sorry for not getting back sooner. Thank you all for your wisdom and insight. I guess I feel that you are all correct and that this is not a good idea, but I feel that I want to help my best friend and emotional confidante to the best of my abilities. If I let her go, then she has to start all over in her mother country as the credits won't transfer. I also think that my own insecurties of ever finding another person that I connect with on so many levels will be remote at best. Yes, physically is questionable at this point, but I think it is a ruse my mind has made up so that I don't have to get close to her because of all my mixed emotions.

Thanks again, this is such a wonderful forum of truly empathetic, kind and caring people

joejoe23