Mutterings of a Morose Mind (trying to find the light)

[looscroo]

I've been sitting with my thoughts for a while now. I have come to realize that the loss of my relationship with D is not the only thing I have been grieving. I really did need to lose him. This experience has opened my eyes to a lot of things. I hate the way that he left, but it shows me exactly who he was, makes it a lot easier not to think about going back. Not that I have that choice.

 

The loss of L. That is something i never got over. It's been 10 years, and I am just now realizing I never fully grieved the loss. Now that he's mentioning maybe coming to the area to work, I realize everything I still feel for him. For the person/relationship I had ten years ago, anyway. I keep thinking about him, which is good and bad. It is helping me fully realize D truly was toxic (though I would have realized this anyway, it's helping me move forward, and figure out where a big part of my current grief is coming from).

 

I really don't want to continue fantasizing about L, as I know that it will lead to nothing but disapointment, most likely, and make any friendship that I can have with him almost impossible. I would love for him to be back in the area, though. I would love to have him back in my life.

 

I'm wondering if I should tell him that I never truly got over him, not in the hopes that he comes running back, but in order to clear the air and work through it. I don't want to him to think I'm trying to rekindle anything by talking to him, though. I want to able to be his friend, no matter what. That is the most important thing. Maybe I should keep my feelings to myself.

[looscroo]

I am so up and down, round and round. Ok, maybe not quite so up, but in a much different place mentally finally. The first day that felt different for almost 2 years. I've had a few good days, but I'd never managed to come out of the fog that I'd been in since I met D. The strangest experience I've had (long term). The world around me had dulled, literally, and colors are finally starting to return. I honestly thought they were gone for good, just an over-exposed memory from an innocent childhood. Wow.

 

Feeling had gone, as well. I became numb. Yeah, every little thing started to get to me, but moderatley irritated was about as good as is got. As miserable as I thought I was, well I guess I was. I'm feeling everything pretty deeply currently, it feels just as good as bad, just to be feeling anything at all. Wow, this guy was so draining, I really had no idea.

[looscroo]

L. I have no intention of telling him what i've been thinking/feeling, at least not now. Not just for the sake of telling him. It's not him I want anyway, and as long as I keep that in mind, I'll be alright. It's the ideal of what we had ten years ago I'm holding on to, and the more I bring that to light, the easier it is to let it go. Not that I'll ever let it go, but, the hopes that it'll reapear in it's former form?

 

I'm not so good at articulating thoughts. I wish it would come out straight without my having to translate from thought to toungue, fingers, whatever.

 

I have no life outside of myself currently, and it's driving me nuts, yet at the same time have no desire to actually get out at all right now, which really sucks as I need to find a job. ASAP. UGH!!!

 

And just talking to L...it's awesome that we have reconnected, but drives me nuts at the same time. He has/is working so hard, 7 years of school! And here am I, living with my parents, trying to find a food/retail/factory job that pays slighty higher than minimum wage. I always feel like an unmotivated loser next to him. As hard as he works, I couldn't see him having any attraction......doesn't matter, can't think along those lines. Not going to happen, it's not going to happen, it's not going to happen.

 

I CANNOT think about him on those terms. He is not the man I've fantasized him to be all these years, if we had been able to be together longer, true colors would have shown, as I'm sure I didn't see it all. Hell, If D and I had split after a year, I wouldn't have see 3/4 of his full irrisponsibility, selfishness.

 

L makes me want to be something different, go after a career, rather than jump from worthless job to worthless job. I just hate to waste all that time to find out I don't want to do whatever it is I spent so much time learning. I have no real passion that I could get a degree in, as I am interested in so many different things, there is no one thing I want to do for the rest of my life. That thought is so depressing to me. The thought of doing any one thing forever. The thought of working any job, really. It's not natural.

[looscroo]

I hope I'm just being paranoid. Got approved for an unemployment extension, and when answering their questions to file for the week, it took me to a section on job search. I think I may have imputed jobs for the wrong week, i'm not sure what week they were asking about. Ugh. So now i'm freaking out thinking if I didn't put down dates for the week in question, it may not be approved. I havn't been keeping track of dates of applications, so I don't even remember which jobs i've applied for last week, as times all running together. Also, one of the jobs I did put down, I think I applied for it a week later than I stated. Hopefully things will be fine, just needed to put this down to get it out of my head. I'll have to start keeping track of things. UGH, I really need to get paid this week. I hope it goes through.

[looscroo]

As far as fantasizing about being with anyone, i'm pretty much over it. L has been chatting with me a lot lately (just about every night) and helping me realize some of the things I need from a partner (or anybody in my life) that I never really had at all with D. He truly is a friend, but that's as far as it is. That's all it is. It is nice having someone to talk to that can offer some insight into myself.

 

Finally starting to realize that I need to be content where I am. The only way to get rid of the nagging feeling I've had that I need to be somewhere else. No matter where I go, I'll never be right if I can't just be. No expectaions. Shed the thoughts of where I "should" be. What I "should" be doing at this stage in my life. I'll get there, and faster if I can step over all the "shoulds" and start doing. I've created a nice cacoon of self pity. It's time to emerge. It's time to let fear go.

[looscroo]

Myspace.....UGH!!!!! Wasn't even aware he had an account, never did before. Just had to go searching for pictures, only to see his face on a friends page. Just had to go looking.....UGH!!!! his status updates of "blissfull", really? I can't take it. I finally was "Okay".... now back to wrecked. How could he just walk away like he did, I don't know how to get over this. Back to sobbing instead of sleeping. I truly cared for him. How could he just toss me aside after asking me not to give up on us? He's the one, damn, I understand why we are not together, but not how he left like he did. I don't understand how he could do that to me. I thought he cared, i really did. I just don't get it. I don't understand how he could turn on me in a day, one day after he wanted to work things out he dissapeared. I knew it was over, i didn't know he could leave like he did. I didn't see how cruel and cold he was. How did I not see it before. Why did I think he cared? I don't understand. I'm a mess. A wreck. I can't understand. I have never been this low this long. Why does he have this affect on me? Why? I never connected with anybody in that way, and now it's gone. Yeah, all the crap's gone too, but I miss the companionship. Terribly. And he has no thoughts about me, just walks away. Gone. No backwards glance. Nothing. Right on to someone else. He said I was it. I was the one. Nobody could ever make him feel like I did. He said this days before he walked away. Why did I ever believe a word he said? WHY?! I believed him. I believed that he cared. I believed that he loved me. I believed the connection we had was real. When will I learn? It's not real. It's never real. Cleverly constructed liies and lines. That's it. That's all i'll ever be to anyone. Why did I fall? Why did I believe him. I never should have fallen in the first place. I knew it. Why did I not trust myself, trusting the things he told me instead? I thought he would always be there. I did. I took that for granted. I didn't think he'd be gone. I've never thought that before. Why did I slip up this time? Why did I let my guard down? Why did I love him? WHY? Why do I still love him? Why do I care what he's doing? Why does it matter that he's been lying to me for three years and I'vebeen believing it? I knew it. It was a dark disconnected place I was in with him. I just want to fade away. I'm tired of slipping back to this place. I want to be sane again. Or for once. How could he leave like he did?

[looscroo]

OK. After my breakdown this morning (in which I realized a lot of suppressed feelings), I went to a mental health clinic, and got signed up for a group for people struggling with managing depression nd mood stabilization. I wonder what I'm in for. At least it'll force me to talk to people. And get out of the house at least once a week.

 

On a brighter note FESTIVAL THIS WEEKEND!!!!! Been looking forward to this for 3 months!!! Can't wait.

 

Wasn't sure if I would attend, but after last night/this morning/myspace stalking/pityparty decided it was well worth it.

[looscroo]

Going up and down. Currently down. I still cannot get over the fact that he just walked away, without even telling me it's over. Why? Ugh!!! Cried today for the first time in 5 days, but been feeling down overall.

 

Festival was alright. Most of the bands were not my taste, but a lot of good music in the camp. Actually approached a group playing, invited to sit down, but after a bit felt strange, and got up. Met a guy who lives in my area, not interested, but he knows a lot going on around here, invited me to a festival this weekend that may be more to my liking. I'll see, if I get up the courage to go, assuming I get over this cold and feel up to going. Met a few interesting people, and came out of my funk a little for a bit, so worth it overall.