Did I Do The Right Thing? My Latest Episode With My Ex!

[Rob1000]

My ex and I were engaged to be married this October but split up on Valentine’s weekend this year. Here’s the story.

 

 

 

Anyway, a few weeks after we split I promised her that when I sold the Wedding ring that I would contribute some of the sale money towards repaying her Dad for the deposit on the hotel reception. Partly because I believed there was still a chance for us to work things out.

 

Then about 3 months ago, I wrote her a letter telling her how I felt and how I believed we could make things work. I was willing to help out with ALL of HER debts that she had incurred due to our split as long as she was willing to just sit down with me and talk about a possible reconciliation. She wasn’t having any of it. I then found out that she had fallen for another guy straight after we had broken up and possibly even cheated on me. She swore that she never cheated but fell for this guy through pure loneliness after we had split. They aren’t together any more, as far as I know!

 

Since then I got the odd email/text from her, nothing special. But on Friday she emailed me wondering whether I had had any luck selling the ring and if the offer was still open to give her some of the money for her Dad. Her Dad’s business is going bust and she wanted to repay him as soon as possible. I replied politely that while I was sorry to hear about her Dad’s business, due to the fact that I believed she had lied and cheated on me, and that our break up wasn’t as mutual as I first thought, I was somewhat reluctant to give her anything.

 

She phoned me in tears swearing she didn’t cheat and even though I began to believe her, the lies she had told me before we broke up, didn’t make me back down. I pretty much hung up on her telling her I wasn’t having any of it. She then emailed me saying one last time that she never cheated and would now look after the money situation herself.

 

Now the stupid thing is, I’m still madly in love with girl and I know she still has feelings for me. Any suggestions?? Did I do the right thing??

[DN]

If I were you I would give her the money and then move on. She may have cheated but your promise to give her the money wasn't really connected with that. Better to leave this with an entirely clear conscience and let her worry about hers.

[mr.mac]

Did I do the right thing??

 

yes, no, maybe. I get your question...you care about her, you were probably harsh and you regret being harsh. You're a good guy and you don't want her to think of you in a bad way. My only real thought after I read this was...good for you, Rob! And I wasn't thinking that because I want her to be miserable, but I was glad that you stood up for yourself with her. The reality is she contacts you when she wants/needs something, but when you ask to talk or work on things, she shuns you. But...there's always a but, right? If I know you this is going to bother you and you won't want the last conversation that you ever have with her to be under these circumstances. If you are ok with things being this way, then rock on, but if this is eating away at you then make peace and try to reach an understanding with her. Either way, I think you are better off for at least showing her that you aren't going to be available for her to contact whenever she "needs" something from you.

[odile]

To me it sounds like you did the right thing by not getting back together with her,

BUT as far as the ring is concerned, I have to disagree with you.

 

The ring was not simply a lover's 'gift'-- it was supposed to be an emblem of your bond and the commitment that you were making to one another.

The reception, too, was something that the two of you had agreed to and were meant to share.

If things fell apart, then unless you know for certain that she and she alone was to blame, well, then it doesn't seem right that she would have to shoulder the losses from the wedding entirely on her own.

And it doesn't sound like this is a clear cut case of her cheating.

 

Now, I can understand that you are disappointed and hurt, and perhaps even angry about the way that things turned out,

but

 

a few weeks after we split I promised her that when I sold the Wedding ring that I would contribute some of the sale money towards repaying her Dad for the deposit on the hotel reception.

 

It reflects poorly on you that you would not even hold to a promise that you yourself had made.

Also, you're effectively breaking a promise that you made with regard to her father (who has not wronged you, and who has suffered losses of his own)-- not her.

 

And honestly, why you would want to keep the ring at this point, anyway?

[KiNo]

Rob 1000, God only knows whether she's been cheating on you. Not you, not she, and definitely not the other guy. Follow your instinct.

 

Its nothing right or wrong in love, its only have to or not, and now, you did something that your heart told you to do, that is reluctant to give anything, and you did.

 

Good for you pal, just follow your heart, and please do share your story here, we're here ready to provide shelter for your broken soul.

 

You will get out of this. NC is one of the best of its kind.

I hope you settle this case soon and make it last.

[thedude27]

To me a few things matter:

 

If the ring was purchased with any amount of combined money then you owe her that portion.

 

You did make her a promise. To me it would matter what state of mind you were in when you made it. I'm sure during the initial breakup she make promises that werent kept. If you were under extreme duress (hell at that time I would have cut off a finger for my ex had she asked) I'd consider that although I would tend to err more on the side of honoring your promise. You dont have to give her any money but its the classy thing to do (with consideration to the things I mentioned).

[Rob1000]

Thanks guys for your responses.

 

Although I am partially to blame for the break up, I did not want it. She left me. And we only started talking about breaking up after she lied to me about her whereabouts one evening, and she was unable to provide a satisfactory excuse.

 

Yeah I did say I would help her out with the money, however when I said that, I did not know her level of involvement with this other guy, who was clearly on the scene before we broke up.

 

I bought the ring myself and I have now sold it, and she knows this. As regards her suffering all the losses herself, I spent and lost thousands on an engagement ring which I believed was forever, a lot more than she would stand to lose if she were to shoulder the few thousand spent on the reception deposit.

[odile]

Thanks guys for your responses.

 

Although I am partially to blame for the break up, I did not want it. She left me. And we only started talking about breaking up after she lied to me about her whereabouts one evening, and she was unable to provide a satisfactory excuse.

 

Yeah I did say I would help her out with the money, however when I said that, I did not know her level of involvement with this other guy, who was clearly on the scene before we broke up.

 

I bought the ring myself and I have now sold it, and she knows this. As regards her suffering all the losses herself, I spent and lost thousands on an engagement ring which I believed was forever, a lot more than she would stand to lose if she were to shoulder the few thousand spent on the reception deposit.

 

She kept the engagement ring?!!

Especially after she called off the engagement?

 

That, my friend, is crass.

[DN]

She kept the engagement ring?!!

Especially after she called off the engagement?

 

That, my friend, is crass.

I think he said she gave it back.

[odile]

I think he said she gave it back.

 

That was the wedding ring, not the engagement ring, no?

 

I bought the ring myself and I have now sold it, and she knows this. As regards her suffering all the losses herself, I spent and lost thousands on an engagement ring which I believed was forever, a lot more than she would stand to lose if she were to shoulder the few thousand spent on the reception deposit.

 

Rob, if she kept the engagement ring after she'd called off the engagement then the whole thing seems very messy, and yes, I can absolutely see where you are coming from on this.

 

If, however, she returned the engagement ring to you, then for me it's a tougher call due to the reasons I mentioned before.

[Rob1000]

She kept the engagement ring?!!

Especially after she called off the engagement?

 

That, my friend, is crass.

She offered it back the day we broke up. I refused but when she offered it again the following week, I accepted it. I'm still trying to sell it, which will be at a price less than half of what I paid for it.

[DN]

Which ring is it that you promised her some money after you sold it?

[Rob1000]

Which ring is it that you promised her some money after you sold it?

The wedding ring!

 

Since we hadn't got married, I still had the wedding ring. She offered the engagement ring back several times before I finally accepted it.

[DN]

Well, as I said, in your place I would keep your word and give her the money. Especially since the purpose is to help out her Dad who was not at fault in the break-up but is still out of pocket and is now in financial trouble.

[odile]

Well, as I said, in your place I would keep your word and give her the money. Especially since the purpose is to help out her Dad who was not at fault in the break-up but is still out of pocket and is now in financial trouble.

 

Now that you've clarified, I agree 100% with DN.

[Talus]

Forget the promise... It all sounds very suss, but to enter a relationship with you, to accept an engagement ring she is promising to be faithful. It sounds like that has come into doubt as she immediately went to another guy, and that night she lied about where she was. You can't be sure.

 

You did make a promise... You of course were in a different position then and a different mindframe. You don't owe her anything. Nothing.

 

However I do agree that if this is going to eat away at you it's best to sort it out. If you do, I reccommend you stay away from her. Go directly to the father. Give him any money you decide to give to him directly. Don't go through her. This way you are honouring your promise and helping the father out. You are doing nothing for her, but for her father.

[Rob1000]

Forget the promise... It all sounds very suss, but to enter a relationship with you, to accept an engagement ring she is promising to be faithful. It sounds like that has come into doubt as she immediately went to another guy, and that night she lied about where she was. You can't be sure.

 

You did make a promise... You of course were in a different position then and a different mindframe. You don't owe her anything. Nothing.

 

However I do agree that if this is going to eat away at you it's best to sort it out. If you do, I reccommend you stay away from her. Go directly to the father. Give him any money you decide to give to him directly. Don't go through her. This way you are honouring your promise and helping the father out. You are doing nothing for her, but for her father.

Good thinking. If I do decide to give her the money, I'll give it directly to him.

[orangesoda]

Sorry but I disagree, I think you've lost enough money on the whole situation, and it doesn't sound to me like she was 100% faithful, now whether she cheated outright or not, who knows, but generally where there's smoke, there's fire. If you hadn't loss a cent, and her father did, I could see a point of helping him out, but that isn't the case. I would let bygones be bygones and cease all interaction. Move on with your life.