rich 1517 - breaking down their barriers

[SteveNaive]

Thx rich, I should have listened in hte first place. I mean, ok, she wants contact. Maybe I should have answered the phone. I knew she was gonna call me. I know I should just forget her for now. But at the same time the thought alone makes me cry. She knows that she is hurting me, and she does not want to do it. I feel so trapped in my life right now. In the end she just wanted a chat, nothing bad I suppose.

How come I still get a bad conscience over things like that? Almost as if she had control over me. Why do i keep picking the girls that hurt me in the end? I so need a hug now. Not from her. Just from someone. Fell so like crying loudly. I am completely useless today, sorry.

[rich_1517]

Hmmm.

 

you will be ok my friend. this is the worst kind of pain. and yes we can pick them. but remember we give them that power, we can take it away.

 

its ok but stop beating yourself up. HOW, listen to your thoughts, and try to halt any judgement about yourself right now.

 

do you have a friend you can trust or feel close to? female? go see her tell her how you are feeling. dont sleep with her but be around someone who does care right now. this will pass. just keep telling yourself that.

 

you have been through this before, you will get through this.

 

her not having anything to say. all normal she wanted to know you are still in the game. so no contact for a couple days my friend. not until you can either show up as the guy you were, or the guy who wants to move on. which actually are both.

[SteveNaive]

And again I am so grateful that there is pepole like you out there. Well, what the friends are concerned...I ahve been talking a lot to them about what was happening. Most of them just tell me to move on and forget her completely. So they are pretty annoyed when i come up with what has happened again... Apart from that most of my friends are back home, so I am kinda stuck. Most of my friends here are busy at the moment, so this forum is the only place I can say what I think right now. And you see I have a lot of thoughts to spill. Partially because this helps me to set my focus on what I want to do by reflecting about it...

 

Somehow I do not want to forget her. I know I will meet other girls if this will not work out again, and I know that there are really nice ones out there. Maybe even someone better. However something makes me think that she is special. I do not know what it is and it most certainly is against all reason. It is just...all my exes I could see cry when I told them I couldn't be friends or did not want to see them anymore. I could cope. But with her I can't. There is something about her that makes me believe she has a good heart. I know it does sound completely unreasonable after the show she is pulling down on me.

[rich_1517]

Well back to me.

 

i am starting to think this thing has some strange elements. she has not wanted to kiss, but at week one from break up we had an incredible kiss, she even said wow that was like our first kiss.

 

she can very immature. i have no idea whats in her head.

 

but... i think she may be trying to get her ex husband back. on many levels that seems silly, she cant stand how he behaves, hes moody, no fun, judgemental, etc ,etc. but her timming on stuff its weird.

 

this is the most dysfunctional relationship right now. sorry what relationship? time will now begin to tell. i will see her tomorrow and watch her reactions to me, i wont make any plans just be fun and etc.

 

he leaves for chile in two weeks for a month to be with "the love of his life" so i am told. this will leave her with a month of her son while he is gone. i think she may be watching that situation to see what happens.

 

either way i am seeing im not in this girls plans, i mean sure factory tour, dinner here and there, now three dates over five weeks, but nothing that you could call "meaningful". i could literally walk away right now and i dont know if she would do anything at all.

 

heres a question. can i ask her about is there anyone in the wings? can i ask if she wants her ex back? just do it casual. like somethings dont make sense, you seem to be very very under control, is there someone you waiting for? is it your ex? you just seem so, removed.

[SteveNaive]

Hey rich,

 

Now that really does sound kinda strange. I mean you think she is heading for her ex-husband rather than for you. I kinda have to say again, it seems she does extremely not know, what she wants. Then again, if he is going to Chile to be with the love of his life for a month...hmm, that could go two ways. Either she starts missing him, cause she still wants him. Or she might move a bit closer towards you seeing as you are there and he is not. However, be careful, as you have said it a couple of times now, she does not give you any come ons, right? I mean remembering a good kiss is remembering a good kiss but not more, right? Hard to give you advice there...

 

And I kinda do think it is normal to feel that way if she sounded disappointed. I kinda felt the same. However it shouldn't feel like a payback, that would be bad, but rather like you are gaining some more control over the situation. Because in the end, that is what it does. You got the ball now, so it's yours to play. At least that's what I hope.

 

Right now I have a thought that I should actually have her talk to my voicemail or so for a day. I mean so far she has always missed me and came up to me again. Although she has threatened not to do so anymore. That is what frightens me a bit. Anyways, I will try to listen.

[GeeCee]

Steve

 

Stop beating yourself up about this. Cry, get drunk, rant and rave. But you have done nothing wrong. Don't be afraid of your emotions. Believe me, things will get better, and then worse and then better again. Welcome to the emotional roller-coaster that is called 'being dumped'. It sucks and hurts like bollocks. But believe me, you will come through this and be stronger as a result of it.

 

Personally, I do not think that you should apologise about the text, you said nothing wrong. You were not rude.

 

If you are able to, but only if you are able to do it calmly, take her next call. Of course, you are going to have to sound all chipper and will need to be sure that you can pull that off. If you cannot, let it go to voicemail and then call her when you are able to speak casually and as a friend.

 

Good luck

 

G xx

[SteveNaive]

Ok...so I called her cause she didn't reply.

 

She said had I called earlier she would have stayed and talked with me. But now it would be too late and she will go away to stay with him til tomorrow. I said it would be mean of her to say that and that I would not take the blame for her going away now. (How I tried not to sound disappointed!)

Then I committed the ultimate stupidity. I told her what a great night I had in that club and that it got kinda late. She said she hadn't seen me and asked why it was late. So I tried to make her jealous and said I met someone. But she didn't react jealous at all. Ok, first she asked "Who is she?" But then she was rather like oh, I am glad you are not sad because of me anymore! SH...!!! It seems I have one of these days where you just cannot get it right!!!

At least I managed to sound friendly and calm. She said that we will talk tomorrow night. But I am afraid that I now finally ***ed it up because she now got me of her back and does not have to worry about hurting my feelings anymore. I still want her back, though!

[rich_1517]

hmmm

i called her to say good morning and that i remembered i had offered to help with moving a table.

 

she invited me over for breakfast with her and her son. but she said breakfast is your your only reward. whats with that?

 

i said ok, what am i doing? i have to drive forty minutes to get there, i felt saying yes after saying no yesterday was about right. then she seemed to qualify it. wanting to be sure i understood this is platonic?

 

this is that tricky area again. if you have time i shower and leave in fifteen minutes.

 

how would you behave in a situation like this? i dont want to end up friends. so i have to flirt some, but physical contact? how? and what?

 

and what is she doing? is this just keep me in the loop again? and am i screwing up? these platonic get togethers seem dangerous. should i call back and say, i will come for a kiss?

[rich_1517]

Well i did a change up.

 

i said well its raining (true) so game is called. but how about lunch and a movie. so its showing a willingness to do something but on my terms.

 

i didnt like the "breakfast is your only reward" comment. whether real or just joking, i didnt like it so she can think what she likes about the change.

 

fact is i dont want to spend tooo much time in a familiar setting with her son, too "buddies" so lunch, movie, gone.

 

then whatever next step is.

[rich_1517]

Steve

you are now in a game on a bad footing. change it, dont call her, dont double think. you have to get away from this for a while. thanks for taking time to respond to my stuff while you are hurting, i found giving advice and taking works.

 

cut her off, just do it. nothing until you can get clear. just be strong knowing that anything you do right now cannot help you. see no contact rules and read them again. and again.

 

you cannot get clarity where you are now. just be very good to yourself right now. distraction. cry, friends. get busy.

[SteveNaive]

Hey Rich, I am amazed again, on how you can analyze things and always seem to be able to make the right step, just when she tries to nail you down again. I hope I can learn from you. This place is definitely growing to something!

 

You were definitely right with cancelling that breakfast. It sounded indeed a bit like she was trying to keep you at arm's length. If you set the conditions you have the advantage... However, I have a second thought about the kid...I assume it is from her husband right? Not that would be a major issue but it might help if the kid likes you. Because normally a single mom woul only really consider a partner if she knows that her kid will be well cared for...just a thought on the side, though...

 

Ok, now to the good news, something that happened seldomly around me lately. However, I now have an reaction to my call. Actually I had one about 15 mins after I hung up. She sent me a text saying she was sorry she tried to blow it off and that it would have been wrong of her. And then she asked me when I wanted to meet her. I am not quite sure on what to reply. Come to think of it, maybe the message was not as positive as I thought at first. I mean what she mean "blow it off", what exactly??

 

Anyways, I guess I will just say lets see and whatever date we fix for tomorrow I will quite probably cancel it because I have work to do (and boy, have I been neglecting uni lately!). Sounds like a sound thought for a change, right?!

 

Sorry Rich I do not always listen to you...there is this little psychopathic, schizzed out guy in me who sometimes takes control... Well, problem is I have been able to trust my feelings to a certain point. But then I pushed it a litte too hard maybe so it turned sour. I am still not sure whether there actually is something to save or whether she still really loves me. The longer we stay apart, the more i think "no". I mean a week a go she was still telling me she was dying to see me and touch me, but now she doesn't seem to be like that anymore. Right now I think again, it's over...

[rich_1517]

Do not get together with her Steve.

 

if you want this to work out you have to be clearer, her seeing your feelings exposed is not the way. you wont be able to avoid it. be tough, come up with a very good excuse for not meeting her, keep it light. you need her to wondering now, and she is. so let her. you have to. she has a security blanket of this guy, its time for her to feel the loss of you. you dont actually say it. you show, a little at a time. first thing though is restore self respect so that from that position you can deman respect just by your confidence.

 

 

ok on my side, yes her kid loves me, she loves me, but she is not in love. that is her problem, so she sees a friend. the missing passion.

 

so i am getting bolder. she asked if i could do something with her computer, i said sure for a backrub.

 

i will meet them for lunch and a movie. i may hold her hand during i dont know. the kid usually ends up in the middle.

 

there is some chemistry building but i dont know how to use it. i am borrowing from my dates to give me confidence and it works. i am stronger and more able to deal.

 

i am going to have to try and get her to SEE her feelings, i dont know if thats possible. ladies? is it? does she know already? is she blocking it off on purpose?

 

so i am now preparing to quit again on tuesday (smoking) but i realise now i want to do it for me. and thats what i was waiting for. if she sees that and everything else that has changed and is unmoved at all i would be peeved. but a peeved non smoker

[SteveNaive]

Ok ok ok, you got a point there. Seeing as everone tells me not to have contact there must be some truth to it that I constantly keep denying. Well, someone said truth is in the eye of the beholder, but I guess I should see that you have got a point there.

 

Funny bit is, I travelled home for easter on order to see my family, so basically I haven't seen her for a week. I wanted to use this time to gain some independence, to think about my life, what I want and to gain distance. As soon as I had arrived home she asked me whether I would be on yahoo. Basically we were chatting everyday and I kept it as casual as possible. (I read the forum before...) She however made these constant come ons, sent me mails how she misses me, but as soon as I was back she left me standing there within one day. That is something I do not get. I mean, why does she tell me she misses me in every possible way, when just a day later she can turn round and say she thinks seeing me wouldn't be fair to her new bf? Any explanations on offer? (At the moment the only reason I can come up with would be plain stupidity.)

 

However, now I am thinking of doing that again. When I go home I have lots of friends to distract me, I can go motorbiking and play my guitar LOUD. So I might go home early May. Wondering whether she will still come up with things like that. Don't think so though.

 

Rich, I know this feeling. She loves you, but is not in love. Was the same with me before it turned the way it is now. (Might still even be that way, how the heck shall I know... ) What did she reply to the backrub thingy?

 

See the only problem I have is this chemistry thing. I have been talking about that with a friend of mine and he kinda said the same as you did, whereas I still am standing on the point that love strikes or it doesn't. But obviously different people work differently. So I really wish you luck with that and hope all the best!

 

I guess I still have a lot to learn, because although I am 25, I never had anything else but 100 per cent pure, undiminished, hormonally enhanced, powerful love. (Is that called "puppy love"?) I have never loved a girlfriend with less than all of my heart and all of my feelings to the point where I would be willing to give myself up for her. Or could it be I am just not normal? (This is what my friend suggested.)

 

It is quite possible she is blocking her feelings off on purpose. Women are able to do things like that. Maybe not even intentional. Women are born with a mask to hide their feelings behind. At least I know a lot, that are. So do not be surprised if she does. However I think if they do, they may have a -possibly subconscious- reason for that, e.g. fear of being hurt or so. However it might not be a fault to become a bit bolder, however, i have to give your own advice back to you: do not be to pushy. But I think you will take care of that, right? I still have to say...that backrub was a good idea. Question though: Did you ask for one from her, or ask to give her one?

 

Just btw, I have not received a reply from her concerning the time of the meeting. I made her wait for the answer, I guess now she is trying it on me... I told her to let me know when she is back, then we would figure something out. So I left a good possibility for me to say "sorry, not today."

I guess I will go along the lines of: "Oh, sorry, I have been in the library all day. My head is so stuffed. I really do not feel like talking now. Please don't take this personal, ok?" Would that be a good excuse?

 

One last thing I have to say. I just read my postings again and tried to be as objective as I could and it seems, that the picture I have drawn of my ex is a bit wobbly in a way. I mean, yes she is treating me like a *beep* and she most certainly deserves being treated bad by any guy, cause she just yells for it. Then again, if she really was that much of a *beep* why would I still want her back?

 

As I said, normally I am fairly quick in dismissing people that "stand in my way". Never has been a problem. Even in my past relationships I drew a line after two or three weeks. This however has been going on longer and there must be a reason for this. And it cannot be her playing with me alone because that would be behaviour I normally do not tolerate. Apart from that, this reason seems to profane to me to keep something that long. And I am definitely not that masochistic that I need to be hurt all the time. So any psychologists here, feel free to profile me...

 

Wow, I should stop posting stuff on sundays, my head is just to productive...I can't stop.

[rich_1517]

Steve i will reply to your post in the morning im exuasted. but first i want to report today objectively, not analyze it. you were right neallo, this vastly overrated melon on my shoulders can work against me, so today i worked straight from feelings AND boudnaries.

 

we got together for lunch, her son was stoked to see me

went to movies, she noticed i hadnt been smoking, said she was proud, and yep i needed a smoke, the difference was i turned to her and said "i need you to not judge me in this moment"

 

after movie she wanted to know if we could go to the arcade. i said sure. knowing i could handle it comfortably.

 

after that she invited me to dinner at her house.

 

after dinner we hung out, she started asking me to stay. i just considered but said nothing.

 

the kid asked me to stay. later when she asked again she said you can sleep on the couch, i said nah thats too buddies for me.

 

she offered me to sleep with her if we both wore pajamas

 

we then read her son a bedtime story. before he came out i told her to come here, i was stretched on the couch. and sat her down on the floor in front of me and wrapped my arm around her from behind. she rested her head on my chest.

 

so time to read the kid the story but she has him come out and sit with us there, and i rubbed her shoulders while they read.

 

so she asked again after tucking him in.

 

i said not tonight but keep asking me

 

so she asked about helping move her table there, would i spend the night that night? i said we'll see, if you were at my house would you stay or go home?

 

as i left i got the hug, but not the peck. this one was on the lips.

 

why do i think its changing i dont really know. but i know what i have been doing. meeting her needs as best i can, putting many of my "demands" off the table, but keeping my "needs" in the forefront.

 

but i also think its critical that we as dumpees date. its entirely possible that she is sensing something missing, and she would be right. i dont have all my emotions directed at her. i spent last night with someone else. no sex but close and warm, no she didnt sleep over. so i went into today without a lot of need or longing at all.

 

i will not judge this, i need to not fall into any conclusion and just take it each date, each get together at a time. quit smoking and see.

 

what do you see?

[SteveNaive]

Rich, I would say your story sounds quite good. It seems you found the right balance of pulling away and stayig at the same time. I mean, she is moving a bit closer to you, right? However keep calm, she has yet to show you that she really wants you. But it sounds like you are on a good way. You are right, keep calm, do not think too much about things, but keep going.

 

I guess I have to say sorry for my postings yesterday, I think I have been fairly annoying. But it was sunday, there was absolutely nothing to do, so the only way to keep me busy was spending most of the day in the Forum, which then got me thinking again, which then made me write longer posts, which then made me go totally insane. Sometimes I just freak out. Sorry for that.

 

However, I hope I haven't done too much damage to what I am actually trying to do. I mean, I still haven't got a reply from her when she will be back. Seeing as we are supposed to meet tonight, that is dire. Then again, it might even give me the chance to play her own game on her by saying "oh sorry, too late now, I so wish you had called earlier." Does that sound ok?

[DaisyB]

Rich -- You know what's great about this? You sound so good. So confident and calm. Congratulations on the non-smoking, too!

 

It sounds like she is starting to get reeled back in, but slowly. You're right in that you can't be over-eager or over-analytical here. She's shown some interest, but you need to see if it holds up. You are absolutely right in just taking it each date at a time.

[rich_1517]

Steve

stop beating yourself up. you are second guessing (we always do). you will be ok, no matter what happens. from what i can see so far you seem like a good guy. i also feel that you dont deserve what is happening.

 

you have the power to stop it, thats hard i know. it took me a long time to get used to no contact. no one thing will make or break or where you are. just let go of what you think may be a mistake. i kept screwing up the next thing becuase i was upset about the last. you need to get grounded. she has all the power right now. you have to remove it by a little distance.

 

you should not play a damaging game. these things are won on postives. its ok to tell her you dont want to speak for a little while as this is too confusing to you. its ok at this moment to show some weakness, if she is smart its the signal that says "oh crap, if he sees hes hurting, the next thing will be letting go"

 

so its the same thing different approach. but she cant get angry at the second approach. at least not legimately. if you say you need space and she doesnt respect it you can absolutlely slam her on it. i did about two months ago. then i waited after the week i asked for until she called again. painful, uncomfortable, etc etc.

 

but see no contact rules again..... i know I keep harping on that, but have you? most of the answers are in there. its the building base for which to go either way.

 

the thing is, she is with another guy, what is she doing? doesnt matter, she is with another guy. she may think somewhere in here she is being fair. and cant see she is causing damage. really. ever dump someone. remember thats the person you are dealing with. i used to literaly forget for a while and enjoy the freedom, then about two to three months in, BAM. loss longing, etc.

 

 

 

no you arent annoying you are hurting. thats ok.

[SteveNaive]

Hey yall. I got an update. She is playing with me and I cannot believe it. she just called me. I did not answer! So she left me a message saying that she would be at the station in his town. Train will leave in an hour. I should tell her whether I still want to meet her. I suppose if I do not call, she won't even bother coming here. Well, so i guess the meeting is kinda cancelled, but on her conditions rather than mine. Thoughts anyone?

[rich_1517]

ignore, ignore, ignore. she is waiting for you to respond, then she will be cold and distant and etc. she is having trouble or not with her choices. let her live with them.

 

she wants to feel like she is being nice right now. im not kidding, so if you accept her offers to "meet" under these conditions you are letting her off the hook. dont do it. becuase her feelings about you are also on that hook.

 

think about how you felt after the last phone calls. thats what you will get. NO CONTACT. steve read it. now. now. now. this is a situation where it absolutely applies. she is going away with another guy. you need to step back for a while, you are not ready to play this game yet.

 

part of the process here is knowing when you cannot do anything effective, and talking to her while she is at a train station waiting to leave on vacation with someone else cannot be effective.

 

i wish i could say something to make you feel better. but i cant, this is seriously messed up on her part. really.

[SteveNaive]

You are right, she messed it up so it's hers to make up for it. If it just wasn't for this fear that she won't in the end.

 

Thanks for building me up! I read the no contact thing! I do understand it...still, I have my doubts, but I will try. I mean for tonight it is settled anyway, because I guess she did not go on the train back here seeing as I did not reply. She tends to make her decisions like that...just have someone else do it, who possibly does not even know about it. She has done that before. (eg saying had you been there would I be back with you but seeing as you were not...your decision...) But that is not the way it works, you are right. If she can't decide to see me, well fine then...

 

Hey, you are actually doing a pretty good job cheering me up, thx!

[rich_1517]

ok well im planning next steps. the end goal is moving in together based on a real discussion of needs and willingness. so for that to happen she needs to show that missing piece, desire.

 

she has said pretty clearly she wants me her in life. that i have most if not all the qualities she wants in a partner. but she wants passion.

 

so that brings us to thursdays "meeting" i will not say date, because her son will be involved. if i was to guess here, this was as close to setting up house as we have come in a very long time.

 

 

(to son) do you want me to read to you or rich?

(to son) do you want rich to spend the night?

(to me) will you spend the night later this week?

 

so i believe now that she would like to find real desire and not fake it. my confidence had an impact yesterday. i have to continue on that path. work out, find work, meditate. take stock of the "real" situation, and yes still date. i dont like the last but it gives me that emotional distance to have emotional distance with her, meet her at her level of needs.

 

the fact that she is more open to physical contact with me, massage, direct kisses is good. but again she could still just be cultivating a friend. a very close one, but a friend.

 

so thursday is tricky, i told her she would owe me. the owe might be a real massage i give her. then we sleep in the same bed. is that scewy?

 

the thing is and in all humility, it is my best seduction attribute. it gets my desires out, but creates in them in others. i would be nicely tired after and her body would be umm aware. if she makes a move, unlikely, or even kisses heavlily possibly. i now say "i dont want you yet". lets sleep.

 

so heres my question: is thursday a green flag or a red one? i could keep pulling away, and play the "keep asking me" for a time. i have now taken four requests by her to do things, considered it, then said no, but keep asking me. then i show up for the next thing.

 

she will go into a week without her son next. after that she will have him for a month solid. building more physical contact in this week would be good. that way when we are alone its easier.

 

thats the question then. introduce more physical on my terms, or get her to show more physical interest. a massage is very intimate but dressed in the guise of spoiling and non intimate. absolute stealth. hey who wouldnt want one. and this has worked many, many times before. but is it the time?

 

if i was to guess whats going on i would say one of two things. 1. she is trying to build a home for us. im not kidding, this is what she wanted all along. 2. she is providing male support for her son and keeping me in there in that role, while hanging onto the pieces she really values.

 

i know she is not dating. she hasnt even made any contacts for it. trust me i know. she could just be waiting for things to be settled with me. a couple dates. security zone. etc. but you would think she would have done one date by now. at least.

 

both scenarios could be very real. the line is of course feelings, pushing the comfort button to passion turns the platonic into the romantic.

[DaisyB]

Steve -- Very very good. You did the right thing by not calling her.

 

Rich -- Stealth Massage would be a great name for a rock band. I think you should go for it on Thursday.

[rich_1517]

Thanks Daisy

 

my only concern now is a trivial one. well of course the larger one of will this happen. but this one is based on history.

 

i used to leave. when i was frustrated with no sex. i sometimes would drive home and not stay at her house. now under current circumstances i can see no wrong with saying thats a little too buddies for me, and saying but ask me again, and leaving.

 

she called today and was very very flat, very tired. she said she couldnt fall asleep. i slept like a baby, becuase for the first time in a long while i felt good after being together.

 

but what do you think? should i have taken that opportunity, which of course is now passed. but do you think that might have upset her?

 

well, i cant waste too much time on it. but should i say something like "it was very nice for you to invite me to stay. ask me again."

 

of course i said that the other night. but saying it again before thursday would help me to be ready for that happening and not getting bushwhacked by no invitation.

 

i will thank her for the invitation for staying over. and pj's sound fine if she asks again. (pajamas). this will help me to know if the invitation is coming anyway. its a fine line here folks, when to withold and when to go forward.

 

timming timming timming.

[rich_1517]

well i took a chance to just do communication.

 

i called about moving stuff for thursday and then told her i had really great time. that i was unprepared to stay over. she said well you looked so tired, i said well should i bring a toothbrush thursday>? she said if you want.

 

i know a little exposed. but i wanted to keep her thinking positive if she had taken last night bad. it does show "a little" push from me, but i think it also takes the pressure off.

 

i think i need to get busy again, this is the most thinking i have done in a week. and i dont like it. i dont want to blow it by analyzing or being in my head too much, or by wanting reassurance, at a time when there isnt a lot to be had.

 

my changes, the ones she needs have to be locked down.

 

a friend gave me the next step without even knowing it. one friend said hey its time you two went away. i said well its this week is that only option but its too soon. after that she will have her son for a month solid.

 

he said go camping. thats soooo perfect its silly. the last great moments we all had, all three of us. was camping in the fall. so i can casually bring it up thursday. she loves camping.

[rich_1517]

Kind of feeling alone out here......

 

feedback?

 

yeah im having amoment. im realising i was overthinking again. that i could have left it at i was unprepared to be asked to stay, it caught me off guard. it just felt so good yesterday to be so close to what i want.

 

saying should i bring my toothbrush was a push, and yeah exposes my feelings. i hope she is at the right point for this, else she may withdraw again.

 

its funny to be able to make the right decision in the moment, then freak after. i was afraid that if she and i laid next to each other, i might blow it. so it was a good call. hopefully we can recreate those conditions again.

 

i have to be flexible, again. sigh. the changes are what will lead to committment. i have to remember that. and of course her letting down her guard. but those are driven by change, not my wants or needs. time to chill out.