new to a LDR needing advice

[Je Tadore]

My boyfriend and i have been dating for about a year and a half, he's in his freshmen year of college and I'm in my senior year of high school. (Note: if you are just going to respond saying that we're too young, don't bother.) He left about 2 weeks ago and I'm feeling very alone. None of my friends really understand because their boyfriends are still home.

 

For the most part, i don't feel connected to him. I've told him this a few times and all he does is feel guilty. Now i tend to just keep my sadness to myself because my friends don't get it and telling my boyfriend makes him feel like it's all his fault.

 

So, i would like to know if there is any advice anybody can give me about starting a new LDR. Also, could anyone who's been in a long term LDR tell me about how you started off and when things got better?

 

 

Thanks so much to anyone who responds

[catfeeder]

You're smart to stop making him feel guilty. That's not going to get you what you want, and it will only push him toward feeling as though this relationship is too heavy--and guilt ridden, for him to maintain. Then you've got squat.

 

Challenge yourself to learn how independent and happy you can become while standing on your own two feet. Make little games out of shopping for fun cards and things to send him. Invest in broadening your own interests and exploring hidden talents, and make this year a time of self-development and growth rather than deciding that it needs to be a bummer and behaving that way.

 

You get to pick whether you want to become a bore and a chore for everyone around you--and BF, or whether you want to invest in a mature LDR where you are up for encouraging both your BF and yourself to expand your social focus and become better people from this. In other words. your challenge is to make this investment worth your time--and BF's. Let him be the driver of his own time, and don't try to control him from afar, or you'll only make yourself miserable while BF walks off into a far-away sunset. Don't go there.

 

Head high, and in your corner.

[Je Tadore]

ShuttleFish: We probably could meet in the middle, he is 3 hours away and it wouldn't be too bad. The only problem is my dad, as long as i'm living with my parents there will be no driving an hour and a half to see him. He is the stereotypical father.

 

catfeeder: That is a great way to think of our time apart, and i never even thought of it. I'm a very competitive person and love a challenge. So that's how i'll think of it, a challenge. Also, about the self development and growth, that is partly what i'm afraid of. I'm afraid of him being away at college and growing to find me juvenile or am i just being paranoid?

[ashley001]

original poster,

 

i kind of know how you feel. my boyfriend and i of a little over 2 years both graduated high school last june. except, he went to the air force academy (in colorado) and i'm staying in california to go to college. at the air force academy, freshmen don't get to use phones or webcams...so our only means of communication right now is e-mail and instant messaging. During his bootcamp, we had to write letters to each other. We're both only 17, but if there's anything in this world i'm sure about, it's my feelings for him. i am deeply in love with him and it SUCKS that we are thousands of miles apart, but both of us are willing to put in this hard work. because LDR is just hard work. i would say, you guys need to realize that it's not going to be easy, but in the long run, it's incredible. and i know how you feel about feeling so disconnected from him...it happens, but i try to look back and remember all those special moments we have and i look forward to the next time i'm going to see him. i don't really have anyone i can talk to either, because everybody says i shouldn't be in a LDR in college...i started keeping a journal where i just let out everything, as if i were talking to my boyfriend, it seriously helps. it's been almost 3 months since i've seen him and i am going to see him next week there is light at the end of the tunnel. PM me whenever you need to

[Imprecision]

The problem is that most guys don't know how to connect with women very well. In an LDR, it is especially important for the guy to reassure his woman regularly how important she is to him, and how much he needs her.

 

That's my take anyway.

[Je Tadore]

ashley001: Wow, air force academy would be a lot harder at our age to deal with, than simply college. Thats so exciting that you can finally see him again though!! I get to see my boyfriend again next weekend, but it's only been three weeks. I cant imagine three months without him (but i'm sure i'll have to because he wont want to come home during a michigan winter). You can PM me too if you ever want to talk, cause friends and family just dont understand unless they've gone through it.

 

Imprecision: I agree, that was one of my complaints to him. I told him i was feeling insecure and need reassuring more often than he does. He's been a little better since then

[heloladies21]

The problem is that most guys don't know how to connect with women very well. In an LDR, it is especially important for the guy to reassure his woman regularly how important she is to him, and how much he needs her.

Only to a certain point, cause if she keeps being insecure about it, then it's time to confront her on it because she is essentially calling you a liar. Think about it, if your girl gets insecure about you not caring about her and you tell her you do indeed care about her, the problem should be solved. But if she is still insecure about it afterward, then she does not believe you. The only rational response to being called a liar is to be offended, but lots of guys don't do this. They let it slide and keep professing how much they care, all in vain as their girl loses respect for them. This is such a common mistake that most guys make and they don't even know that they're doing it.

[catfeeder]

[...] catfeeder: That is a great way to think of our time apart' date=' and i never even thought of it. I'm a very competitive person and love a challenge. So that's how i'll think of it, a challenge. Also, about the self development and growth, that is partly what i'm afraid of. I'm afraid of him being away at college and growing to find me juvenile or am i just being paranoid?[/quote']

 

The only way he'll grow into viewing you as juvenile is if you behave that way. The whole point is to work on your insecurities in private so you don't make them his problem, as that would be confusing the role of BF with the role of a therapist--not his job. If you assign someone a job they're neither capable nor desirous of performing, that's the perfect way to become someone's 'ball and chain'. That's not love, it's something else, and it kills love.

 

BF is positioned in a new place where he might either feel insecure himself and encourage that behavior in you--which is bad for both of you, or he could learn to spread his wings and make new friends that contrast as the opposite of neediness and guilt. If you impose those feelings on him while he's building healthier relationships, then of course he would view such behavior from you as a chore--and then it's only a matter of deciding how much and how long he wants to cater to that.

 

Don't position him to cater to that. It's not good for you in the first place, and it's not something that a healthy person would (or should) put up with for very long.

 

Stick with the art of the challenge, and push yourself toward independence and encouraging behavior. You will thank yourself later.

 

In your corner.

[Imprecision]

Only to a certain point, cause if she keeps being insecure about it, then it's time to confront her on it because she is essentially calling you a liar. Think about it, if your girl gets insecure about you not caring about her and you tell her you do indeed care about her, the problem should be solved. But if she is still insecure about it afterward, then she does not believe you. The only rational response to being called a liar is to be offended, but lots of guys don't do this. They let it slide and keep professing how much they care, all in vain as their girl loses respect for them. This is such a common mistake that most guys make and they don't even know that they're doing it.

 

Ah, that's a good point. I'll definitely keep that in mind for the future.