UPDATE: Stepdaughter Molested Daughter

[brokenpogostick]

UPDATE: Stepdaughter Molested Daughter - Families/Parenting & Families

 

I got a chance to speak to my daughter last night and she told me that nothing has happened since the last incident we knew about where my stepdaughter was touching her inappropriately. This is a huge sigh of relief, however, it's still hard to stomach that it even happened in the first place. I made sure to reinforce to my daughter that if it should ever happen again that she needs to be strong and give her a firm NO and that she needs to come talk to my husband or I or whatever other adult may be present immediately. I'm still a little leery of her safety, but I have to accept the situation for what it is.

 

I love and care for them both, but it is so hard some days to even have my stepdaughter in my presence because I feel so much anger. I try to hide it, but I know she can tell. I think I need to talk to her about why I'm irritable with her a lot of the time. I'm in counseling trying to sort out my feelings and get past this horrific ordeal. The first few visits did not seem promising. I'm going to give the therapist one more visit and if it doesn't seem to help I'll have to find another one.

 

She is also in counseling which I'm going to get for her more frequently. Currently, she is going every 2 to 4 weeks which is clearly not enough. We also have a home-based counselor that comes in every 2 or 3 weeks, but I feel that she is a waste of time. Probably time to find a new one.

 

The frustration and anger is not just for the fact that the abuse occurred in the first place, but also with the fact that my stepdaughter has behavioral issues that we've tried to deal with and fix, but seem to be an ongoing struggle. We deal with the same behaviors over and over - almost on a daily basis.

 

I'm a stay-at-home mom so I get to deal with 90% of the issues in the house. I don't have the most patience and repeating myself is a major pet peeve. None of my kids are perfect, but my stepdaughter really knows how to push buttons. I am getting tired of dealing with her behavioral issues.

 

She is not openly defiant. She doesn't yell, hit, throw things, etc. (Thank god!) She will just get a directive such as please do your chores and she will go off and play or do something else entirely. It's more of a passive defiance. It's like it would kill her to pay attention or listen. We can tell her something specific and have her repeat it so that we know she understands and 10 minutes later she's not doing what she's supposed to.

 

These are the everyday behaviors that are small, but annoying to deal with constantly. Every couple months she gets into stealing from other members of the house and getting involved with lies. Usually, the items that she steals are mine such as my MP3 player, shoes, clothes, money, etc.

 

She is not a stupid child - rather very intelligent. She was getting great grades up until a few years ago. Now, she is a straight F student. It's not because she doesn't understand we don't think - it's more of she is distracted by friends/boys/whatever or that she isn't paying attention or she just doesn't do her work (at school or at home).

 

We've tried grounding, we've tried taking privileges, we've tried a point system, we've tried giving money for good grades, we've tried positive reinforcement, we've tried natural consequences - we're stumped. Nothing seems to be breaking through with this child.

 

Does anyone have any ideas?

[savignon]

Did your therapist suggest you confront your step-daughter?? I would be surprised if he/she didn't suggest that...??

Your step-daughters behavior and sudden change in behavior plus straight Fs suggest something has happened to her, as these are all the red flags and warnings. Usually young kids who molest other children have been molested themselves.

I hope she and your daughter and your family are able to get the right guidance so that all can heal from this.

[brokenpogostick]

Ok, I have a sort of a rant and I apologize.

 

This is an example of the crap that my stepdaughter does that drives me into a rage.

 

Just a little bit ago, my daughter asked if I would play softball with her. We went to the garage and got the tee and the gear. I was digging through the bag for my softball mitt and I couldn't find it.

 

This summer, my stepdaughter played softball on a league and I let her use my mitt because she couldn't afford one of her own and we needed one quickly. I looked in her softball bag and couldn't find it, looked in the entryway, etc. Nowhere to be found.

 

I had my husband call her because she's visiting her grandparents out of town right now. Of course, she had no idea where it was. My softball mitt was very expensive and important to me.

 

What pisses me off is that she borrows my things all the time. Whatever it is is usually either broken, lost or stained by the time I get it back. When I get angry and tell her she cannot borrow my things anymore, she resorts to stealing them.

 

How do I control my anger when this crap happens quite frequently?

 

Grrrrr......

[brokenpogostick]

I like your suggestion of taking the emotion out and sending her to her room if she decides she's not going to follow the rules. We had actually been experimenting with that a bit before she left for her grandma's. I'll speak to my husband and I'm sure he will agree that this will be a low stress approach to the situation. So, how long would you be in your room for following an incident?

 

Perhaps my stepdaughter is conditioned to respond to the threats/drama because part of the abuse she suffered from her biological mother was getting yelled at.

 

We'll put your ideas in motion when she comes back & I'll keep you updated on that one, Southern. Thank you

[needadvice911]

Did your therapist suggest you confront your step-daughter?? I would be surprised if he/she didn't suggest that...??

Your step-daughters behavior and sudden change in behavior plus straight Fs suggest something has happened to her, as these are all the red flags and warnings. Usually young kids who molest other children have been molested themselves.

I hope she and your daughter and your family are able to get the right guidance so that all can heal from this.

 

I totally agree. This is usually how it is. If a child is molesting another child its usually because someone introduced it to her. Where is her mother? This could also be the problem. When one of the parents are not in the picture you can sometimes have a rebellious child on hand. She might see her younger sister getting love from both parents. She might need that motherly love from her mother if she is not getting it. She could feel really out of place. How old is your step daughter and your younger daughter? Negative energy towards your step daughter is the wrong way to go. I think she needs to talk to someone who she can 100% trust. Where she knows she's not going to get into trouble for telling her darkest secret or her true motives for behaving the way she does. Once she can be open to explaining how she feels without being punished for it. Then the healing process will start. But the problem is you need to know why she is behaving this way. How does she feel about her mother. And her sister? How does she feel about you and her her father? Does she feel left out? Maybe she needs a bit more attention. One on one bonding with each member of the family could help. But giving negative energy will only make it worst. I know you must be pissed off, but try to be happy that you found out this was happening in the the first place. Its a process the entire family will have to go through, but the anger has to be released and love and understanding and healing must enter. I wish you the very best, this is a very difficult situation.

 

I also agree if you are not happy with your therapist find another one. There should be goals that you all are trying to reach. Changes and goals should be the point of therapy. You should start of with where you are now and where you want to be in a month or two. How you would like your relationships to change within the family. And then you can work with the therapist on talking about these problems and feelings and finding a way to do it.

 

My prayers are with you

[needadvice911]

This example is something that every child is capable of. Not that she is just a problematic child, but anyone could do this. She probably needs someone to talk to. Maybe no one ever taught her at a young age how to ask permission for things and take care of it and then return it. She probably doesn't care about life and doesn't care about anyone. She might have a real self esteem issue. If someone doesn't care about themselves they are not going to take care of their own belongings or someone elses. Or maybe she's not in the habit of putting things in the proper place. If you make her feel comfortable and I know its hard when you have your own biological child to look after, but maybe trying to feel closer to her or establishing a real bond with her will help the both of you communicate better

[savignon]

Understandably, you're very hurt and angry. At the same time, instead of coming up with new ways to punish her, make sure she's getting the help she needs. That has way more potential to get to the root of the problem than just leaving her to stew in her room. If she was abused by her mom, she probably feels like a "bad kid" and will therefore act like one, especially to spoil your and your daugthers perfect little lives (as it might seem to her).

I'm sorry you're daughter has suffered what she has. It's sad when little kids have to grow up too fast. I repeat that I strongly believe your step-daughter has suffered her own trauma and is acting out and failing school to send out some red flags. Those plus the molestation strongly point to her having been abused herself.

Try to remember that she is a little girl who doesn't have the loving mother that your daughter has who wants to listen and protect her and be in her corner. She is surely a devastated and broken little girl, even though I'm sure it's very hard to keep that in mind when she's acting like she wants to destroy everything around her.

[Sunflour]

I understand your frustration, but my heart aches for your stepdaughter too. Is it any wonder this girl is acting out in every possible inappropriate way? According to your other thread, she was sexually abused by her own mother and a boyfriend of the mother by the time she was 9 years old.

 

This is an abused and broken child. Please do all you can to get her the help she needs.There's no way that therapy every 2-4 weeks is sufficient for this kid.

 

What is your husband's involvement in all of this? What does he say about the situation? This is his daughter--is he participating in her therapy, and/or in addressing the problems she's having?

[Car Chick]

How old are your daughter and step-daughter?

 

I'm sorry if this sounds rude, but I think it's horrible that you are forcing your daughter to live with the person who comitted such a horrible crime against her. Did you even think about how that might affect her?

 

You have the step-daughter in counseling, which is good, but I think your daughter could use it too after all that she's gone through.

 

What has your husbaund done about it?

[Car Chick]

I understand your frustration, but my heart aches for your stepdaughter too. Is it any wonder this girl is acting out in every possible inappropriate way? According to your other thread, she was sexually abused by her own mother and a boyfriend of the mother by the time she was 9 years old.

 

This is an abused and broken child. Please do all you can to get her the help she needs.There's no way that therapy every 2-4 weeks is sufficient for this kid.

 

What is your husband's involvement in all of this? What does he say about the situation? This is his daughter--is he participating in her therapy, and/or in addressing the problems she's having?

 

She knows how horrible it is to be abused and yet she did that to someone else. She knowingly put another person through the worst possible pain that anyone could suffer. I don't feel sorry for her at all. I wouldn't let her anywhere near my daughter, my home, or myself.

[savignon]

She knows how horrible it is to be abused and yet she did that to someone else

This is what typically happens.

The best expression I ever heard was "People who hurt....hurt"

She's a child.

They're a family.

It's not just black and white "she deserves to be avoided the rest of her life so don't let her near your child or home"

What an awful world this would be if it were really just "every man for himself"

The OP has said she cares for her step-daughter and of course for her husband and her daughter. Hopefully she can find a better resolution than to punish this child for the rest of her life.

Victims very often repeat what happened to them. Otherwise domestic violence and emotional abuse and physical abuse would be a much easier problem to solve.

[Miss Firecracker]

She knows how horrible it is to be abused and yet she did that to someone else. She knowingly put another person through the worst possible pain that anyone could suffer. I don't feel sorry for her at all. I wouldn't let her anywhere near my daughter, my home, or myself.

 

You can't throw your child away because she did something wrong.

 

When you bring children into the world there are no guarantees. The younger child should be protected at all times, but this troubled girl must be taken care of too. She has most likely been molested herself and is acting it out. She needs help terribly bad.

[Car Chick]

You can't throw your child away because she did something wrong.

 

When you bring children into the world there are no guarantees. The younger child should be protected at all times, but this troubled girl must be taken care of too. She has most likely been molested herself and is acting it out. She needs help terribly bad.

 

 

So just because she needs help, they should allow here younger daughter to be put in an abusive situation and have her needs neglected. Last time I checked, child endangerment is a crime.

[Car Chick]

She knows how horrible it is to be abused and yet she did that to someone else

This is what typically happens.

The best expression I ever heard was "People who hurt....hurt"

She's a child.

They're a family.

It's not just black and white "she deserves to be avoided the rest of her life so don't let her near your child or home"

What an awful world this would be if it were really just "every man for himself"

The OP has said she cares for her step-daughter and of course for her husband and her daughter. Hopefully she can find a better resolution than to punish this child for the rest of her life.

Victims very often repeat what happened to them. Otherwise domestic violence and emotional abuse and physical abuse would be a much easier problem to solve.

 

Try to think what it would be like if you were sexually abused by someone and then forced to live with them. If hurt people hurt than she'll just continue to hurt this child. Her parents are ALLOWING her to be sexually abused. Are you seriously telling me that you would allow someone to abuse your daughter if you have one, or that you would force that poort child to live with her abuser? How is that child supposed to sleep at night knowing that the person who abused her could do it again at any moment? I don't understnad how anyone can say that there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone is talking about protecting the abuser and is completely ignoring th need to protect the abused. THAT is why domestic abuse is such a hard problem to deal with.

[Miss Firecracker]

I said that the abused child should be protected from the other girl.

 

That is the responsibility of the parents. No one ever said being a parent would be easy.

[Car Chick]

I said that the abused child should be protected from the other girl.

 

That is the responsibility of the parents. No one ever said being a parent would be easy.

 

 

But how are they supposed to protect her when the other girl is still living there. She said in her previous thread that she thinks the abuse is still going on and she can't watch them all the time. So how is she being protected? There is no way to protect here when she's still living there. And how do they know she isn't abusing there youngest daughter either and that she won't abuse the new baby on the way. Allowing a child abuser to live in a home with three children is unacusable. No exceptions.

[needadvice911]

But how are they supposed to protect her when the other girl is still living there. She said in her previous thread that she thinks the abuse is still going on and she can't watch them all the time. So how is she being protected? There is no way to protect here when she's still living there. And how do they know she isn't abusing there youngest daughter either and that she won't abuse the new baby on the way. Allowing a child abuser to live in a home with three children is unacusable. No exceptions.

 

both children are going to need counseling and BOTH children are going to need TWO parents to help them. This child (step daughter) gets punished and yelled at because she misplaced a glove. Light up a little and things need to be looked at in a different light. You cant just kick out a CHILD because someone else wants a perfect family. it aint happening.

[Car Chick]

both children are going to need counseling and BOTH children are going to need TWO parents to help them. This child (step daughter) gets punished and yelled at because she misplaced a glove. Light up a little and things need to be looked at in a different light. You cant just kick out a CHILD because someone else wants a perfect family. it aint happening.

 

 

I'm not saying they need a perfect family or that she should be punished for little things, but sexual abuse is NOT a little thing. I think it's very sad that she was abused, but why allow that to happen to the other kids too now. I think she needs help and counseling and understanding, but until then, they need to protect their other children. As far as putitng them in different rooms goes, unless they plan to lock them in there (very unethical and illegal abuse), they stepdaughter could just leave the room and continue to abuse the other child.

[DN]

Moderator Note: This is a sensitive and important topic and I do not want to close it because the OP needs sensible and sensitive advice and help. Disrespectful and flaming posts cannot possibly help anyone - please keep posts respectful and helpful.

[brokenpogostick]

 

What is your husband's involvement in all of this? What does he say about the situation? This is his daughter--is he participating in her therapy, and/or in addressing the problems she's having?

 

My husband could take a way more active role in this mess. He is quiet and reserved. He lets a lot of things "roll off his back" while I stress and try to be proactive about everything.

 

He will talk to her when she is in trouble or discipline her when she needs it if I push him. He doesn't like confrontation.

 

I know he feels horrible about what happened to his daughter, my daughter and what this situation is doing to our family, but I am the one trying to fix it. That right there might be a big reason why I am so frustrated and ready to say to heck with it. I am not getting the support from him.

 

I take her to therapy because he works 8 to 5. I always speak with her counselor before and after the session to let her know what's going on and so that she can give me feedback.

 

Reading your post it's apparent that I need to make my husband take some accountability and responsibility for the situation. I think that would help immensely.

[tastytoothpaste]

This is the very first thing that you need to fix. A husband and wife work as a team for a common goal. If only one parent implements certain rules while another is passive on those rules but implements other rules, it really just confuses the children and leads them to believe that they can get away with stuff. You need to have a sit down discussion with you and your hubby (and possibly your counselor as well) to discuss exactly what action needs to be taken. You cannot handle this on your own, and you both need to come together for the sake of the family and work together to fix things.

[brokenpogostick]

both children are going to need counseling and BOTH children are going to need TWO parents to help them. This child (step daughter) gets punished and yelled at because she misplaced a glove. Light up a little and things need to be looked at in a different light. You cant just kick out a CHILD because someone else wants a perfect family. it aint happening.

 

I never said that she was yelled at because she misplaced the glove. She will need to find it or replace it. That simple. It was just an example of the petty crap that we deal with on a daily basis. Anyone would get frustrated and tired of dealing with similar issues over a period of time.

 

I am not a perfect parent and never will be. I'm not a professional and I'm making mistakes. I came on here for advice from others who may have been in the same situation or something similar. I didn't come on here to get slammed or threatened to go to jail.

[tastytoothpaste]

I never said that she was yelled at because she misplaced the glove. She will need to find it or replace it. That simple. It was just an example of the petty crap that we deal with on a daily basis. Anyone would get frustrated and tired of dealing with similar issues over a period of time.

 

I am not a perfect parent and never will be. I'm not a professional and I'm making mistakes. I came on here for advice from others who may have been in the same situation or something similar. I didn't come on here to get slammed or threatened to go to jail.

 

Yes yes, it is absolutely understandable that you're frustrated. She has worn you down! Anyone in your shoes would be exhausted of dealing with this.

[brokenpogostick]

Yes yes, it is absolutely understandable that you're frustrated. She has worn you down! Anyone in your shoes would be exhausted of dealing with this.

 

FINALLY!!!!

 

Someone who gets my point! I don't hate my stepdaughter, rather I care for her very much. If I didn't I would have let my husband send her to military school years ago when all this started. I stopped him from sending her. I wouldn't schedule and take her to counseling appointments, I wouldn't spend time with her, help her do her homework, etc if I didn't like her.

 

All that I am saying that I am at the end of my rope with behaviors that seem senseless and needless. I don't have much left to give and need advice on how to get back on my feet so that I can deal with this child correctly instead of being irritated at her all the time.

[tastytoothpaste]

Of course you don't hate her!! You could've sent her away if you wanted to, but you love her and you want things to get better, so you're trying to get her the help that she needs! That's very admirable! Honestly, I don't think that anyone here at ENA has ever been in your situation (if you have, by all means please give advice if you have any), and I think that a child psychiatrist would be the best person to consult. We can offer what we think about it, but I think that this situation is too serious to be handled by anyone less than a professional.