Socially Awkward OH driving me mad!

[lil_unique_me]

Right, I have to ask people about this cos I am at my wits end with this man.

 

I'm engaged to an amazing guy, I love him so so much.

 

Thing is, around anyone else but me, he is so socially awkward, to the point where now, an hour before we have to set off for a wedding, he tells me he can't go cos he's scared.

 

So I feel like I am gonna look a complete and utter loser! My best mate (who's wedding it is) is expecting him and all work colleagues at the reception. He said to me just to make excuses for him, so I just told him to make them himself.

 

Argh! I've tried so so many times with him to try and build his confidence up. I compliment him loads and stuff and even told him I wouldn't leave his side tonight (aside from bathroom breaks) and NO Let down at the the last minute. I knew he was iffy about this, but never thought he'd let me down!

 

[Xetra Dax]

Let him see a psychiatrist for his social anxiety, it almost looks asif he has agoraphobia where he's afraid of going out in public. I know you like to help him but your not a shrink, please advice him to see a professional.

[offplanet]

Well, he can't help it. Surely you've known about this for a long time (that is, if you've been together for a long time), so why be with someone like that if its a problem for you? With help he could change to some extent, but not to the extent of becoming a party person. If you find him an embarassment, maybe you should not be together, because that's the way he is.

[lil_unique_me]

Excuse me, I find that a total and utter judgement on your part.

That is not what I said at all.

And yes, we've been together over a year, I knew him for like 3 months before we got together so all in all known him for almost 2 years and I always knew he was shy, and I am not asking him to come out partying, I am not a partying kinda woman. But all I wanted him to come for was a drink or two and then we would slink off to a resturant, thats all.

 

Nothing more.

[catfeeder]

Please don't make the same mistake I made when I was your age. Playing social worker is not being a lover. There are zero rewards to encouraging someone else's dependency. It will make you miserable and keep them 'enabled' to continue expanding their fears and hangups because they've got someone catering to them.

 

You can love someone from far away. I ruined the first 4 years of my 20s playing nursemaid to a man's problems, and that's time I can never get back. It made me depressed and neurotic and short-tempered and gave me an excuse to drink a lot. Other than that, it was the perfect partnership!

 

(Not.)

 

I'd cut myself loose and suggest that he needs to get his own help and heal in his own way. If he's ever capable of meeting you on higher ground in a year or two, then let him step up to that place on his own. Otherwise, you're wasting your time. These things don't improve with marriage, just the opposite, so I'd be careful not to get too attached to wedding fantasies with this man. The life you're living with him is what it is--the only way he will ever get better is if he goes off to do the work of improving himself by himself.

 

In your corner.

[Capricorn3]

It sounds to me like he suffers from social anxiety to the point of panic attacks, hence he pulled out of going to the wedding an hour before you were due to go. This is a very real problem and he can't help it. This is definitely not a simple case of just being shy (imo). He needs help and the only way is professional counselling as I highly doubt he can fix this on his own. He's going to need your support and understanding.

[offplanet]

Excuse me, I find that a total and utter judgement on your part.

That is not what I said at all.

And yes, we've been together over a year, I knew him for like 3 months before we got together so all in all known him for almost 2 years and I always knew he was shy, and I am not asking him to come out partying, I am not a partying kinda woman. But all I wanted him to come for was a drink or two and then we would slink off to a resturant, thats all.

 

Nothing more.

Sorry, I should have worded that differently. He sounds more than shy, he sounds like he has a real phobia, and it could be a problem for you in the future. I'm that way myself, and it caused a lot of problems and unhappiness in my marriage, due to our different social needs (his social needs, my unsocial needs). It wasn't my fault that I was the way I was, but it ended up being unfair on him. It's not easy to overcome, and it should be sorted out where you both stand on the issue before you commit for life.