Is there any chance of reconcilliation? (long soz)

[soo unhappy]

I've been married for just over 14 yrs. At the end of May this year my husband said to me I'm unhappy with our marriage I've felt unloved and rejected for quite some time and unless something changes I think we will split up.

 

I was shocked to the core - I had no idea he had been feeling like this. My initial reaction was anger as I had recently told him how stressed I was at work (we both work for the family business I'd also been working from home whilst we looked for bigger offices - this was for about a yr, we moved into our new offices a week after he left). I threw everything accross the room then cried & cried. That evening I went for a walk to think things through & realised that I was indeed a workaholic & had neglected not only my husband but our daughters too. This is something I will never do again I'm strictly 9 to 5 (actually more like 9:30 till 3 at the mo!)

 

I tried very hard to correct my ways - stopped working the second he walked through the door, sent funny, loving, just to say hi texts throughout the day, iniating sex which he'd said was important to him etc etc (he will testify that I made a huge effort), anyway at the end of June I realised that the love I was now happily giving to him wasn't being returned.

 

One morning he caught me crying & asked me why - I said how I felt, I also pointed out that other couples we know had made up after affairs & that our problem wasn't nearly so bad.

 

That's when the bomb hit - he admitted to being unfaithful, when I pushed for names he told me he'd paid for it.

 

I burst into tears he cuddled me & apologised then he nipped out for cigarettes when he left I got in my car & drove around to calm down so our daughter wouldn't see me crying.

 

When I got back an hour later he'd packed a few clothes & gone - I've been an emotional mess ever since.

 

We are going to counselling - but it seems we want different outcomes, I want to work towards getting back together he wants to work towards separation.

 

We had a holiday to Spain booked I ended up taking our daughter on my own(he wouldn't go) yet he drove us to & from the airport, got my car serviced, cut the grass & painted our daughters bedroom whilst we were away

 

He saw the counsellor alone whilst I was away - she told me that he deeply cared for me, was worried how I was coping in Spain & was deeply ashamed of what he'd done. He'd also said he loved me, trusted me, I was a brilliant business partner & if he murdered someone I would still be the only person he'd tell but he doesn't love me like a husband should love his wife.

 

Am I flogging a dead horse?

 

ps sorry for the long post but needed to give the facts

[mgirl]

Sorry about all the pain you're going through. I can't tell you whether you're flogging a dead horse or not.

 

Perhaps you should work towards moving on too? That way, he will truelly be given the space to decide whether or not he wants to get back with you.

[KG]

How about a trial seperation? You two could give some time for the emotions to settle, and figure, alone what you each want. It's good he went to counseling, he sounds thoughtful.

 

I think this can be repaired, with time, and patience.

[soo unhappy]

How about a trial seperation? You two could give some time for the emotions to settle, and figure, alone what you each want. It's good he went to counseling, he sounds thoughtful.

 

I think this can be repaired, with time, and patience.

He is living at a mutual friends house at present. Another friend of ours is just about to buy a small house and my husband plans to rent that, he reckons he'll be in by beginning of October.

 

This house is only 3 minutes walk away!

We work in a family business his office is the floor below me (although he is often out on site)

We have a 12 yr old daughter.

 

So there is no way of avoiding contact to perhaps give him a chance of missing me if this is what you mean.

 

He says he will do anything for me other than come home - I'm so confused, it's truly heartbreaking.

[rebelfac]

When I first started reading your post i thought wow he gave you the warning I wish I had. I do think that a separation would have made the change she needed me to make. He will want what he can't have so it's time to play hard to get and suggest that you too have options. Start working out. He will miss the family and home cooked meals trust me.

[soo unhappy]

When I first started reading your post i thought wow he gave you the warning I wish I had. I do think that a separation would have made the change she needed me to make. He will want what he can't have so it's time to play hard to get and suggest that you too have options. Start working out. He will miss the family and home cooked meals trust me.

I so hope you're right...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Did he ever vocalize his unhappiness during your marriage? Think carefully about that..because a lot of times the one who is taking the relationship for granted is told repeatedly by the other person that they are unhappy but the one who is taking things for granted just doesn't pay attention until it is too late. It sounds to me like that is what happened..by the time you finally let it sink in that you were a work-a-holic not putting an effort into keeping your marriage fresh it was just too late..the damage to his feelings for you was too far gone and your efforts to do damage control were just too little too late. This happens a lot...you can't undo years of damage in a couple of months of putting yourself all out. The wounds often go too deep and the other person is at a point where they just don't care anymore. Your best bet is to let him go...maybe over time things can get re-kindled..but it will be a whole new ballgame. You can't undo the damage of the past...you just need to give it time and hope that at some point in the future he will think of the good times you had once shared early on in the relationship and will focus less on the years of feeling neglected....only then will you have a better chance of reconciling.

[soo unhappy]

You have so hit the nail on the head.... He says he did try to tell me but I honestly can only remember him saying a handful of times that he was unhappy with the frequency of our sex life.

 

I was always so tired by the time I went to bed all I wanted to do was sleep so when he came on to me I didn't want it - I felt that everyone wanted a piece of me.

 

It's obvious to me now that this rejection hit him harder than I realised.

 

We've been building up our company (that we part own with 3 other family members) So I assumed that he knew I working so hard for all of our futures but what I didn't realise that my actions made him think I didn't love him - I thought that went without saying - BIG mistake!

 

So do you think we should continue going to counselling?

[KG]

Yes, you should, IMHO. You are working things out. It will take time, but if he and you are into making it work, that's half the battle.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes, if both of you are willing to go to counselling then you should definitely go.

 

So I assumed that he knew I working so hard for all of our futures but what I didn't realise that my actions made him think I didn't love him - I thought that went without saying - BIG mistake!

 

I am sure it was more than just the refusal of sex..if you were working that hard you were probably very distracted even when you were with him in the same room. Work-a-holics can be in the same room as someone and be totally clued out to them. I suspect he tried to talk to you and you were always running and doing other stuff for the business, not paying much attention to him. A lot of men have been in the same situation...building their career to get more money for the family but basically ignoring their family's emotional needs. Most people, when they think back on their life through the years they think about fun things they did with family, friends or on their own..they don't reminisce about the $5,000 bonus they made which allowed them to buy whatever or the new big client they got. One of the most important parts of being in a relationship is giving that person your time...quality time...not just your physical presence, but your emotional presence as well...being there in the moment with your attention on them not on work or other things. Many people who take relationships for granted just don't bother spending quality time with their partner and don't do the little things to make them feel loved and appreciated.

[rebelfac]

"Cant undo damage over the years in two months and Many people who take relationships for granted just don't bother spending quality time with their partner and don't do the little things to make them feel loved and appreciated." Good points CAD - My ex complained a few times about being on the internet too much and I unltimately learned after it was too late that one of the things i did wrong was also treat her too much like a business partner and not enough like a wife. One way to a mans heart is through his stomach though and that is true. I am also a sucker for a sweet gal and get turned on by sweet behavior like cooking and being goofy.

[soo unhappy]

Yes, you should, IMHO. You are working things out. It will take time, but if he and you are into making it work, that's half the battle.

 

Sorry I'm probably being a bit thick but what does IMHO mean.

 

I do want to make it work but I'm not so sure he does, this is my dilema

[soo unhappy]

What you're saying is correct this all came out in the counselling sessions. I can't believe how stupid I've been.

 

He has said that he is not without blame & he's sure if he'd spoken up a couple of years ago it would never have come to this.

 

I asked him 'if it is possible to repair the damage don't you think its worth a try' he said 'yes, but I don't think it's possible as it's been going on too long' where as I think how can you know if we don't try as a happy marriage has got to be better than the alternative.

 

(He is not from this country, English is not his mother tongue, he has no family here other than mine whom he loves dearly - especially my Mum he's very close to her - they all love him but at the end of the day blood is thicker than water & I can't see them being the same towards him if we don't get back together, all he has here are a few friends & he said he could not leave his daughter to return to his native country so surely he's got so much to lose by not trying & so much to gain if our relationship works out.) I don't understand his logic.

 

I now hate work as this is where I seem to be focusing my blame (I have told him this), I am spending much more quality time with my daughter (the older daughter '21' left home a couple of years ago)

 

The counsellor also told me that he said 'she is the person I met all those years ago' so why is he still adament that he has to move on.

 

What do I do next, I want him back, I'm willing to try anything - God I sound desperate but I am.

[soo unhappy]

One other thing I haven't mentioned.

A couple of years ago he had a bit of a health scare - his heart was beating too fast, the hospital gave him a drug which stops the heart then it restarts hopefully into a normal rythym, they attempted it 4 times uping the dose each time until it worked.

 

He told me (since he left) that when he was laying in hospital with me sitting by his side he thought 'if I was to die now, what have I done with my life, is this it?'

 

Also he will be 40 next year.

 

Several of my (& his) friends have said 'mid life crisis' !

 

But what can I do about that?

 

Also I had a bit of a scare too following a recent check up resulting in a biopsy that showed pre cancerous cells (thoughts of Jade Goody flashed through my mind) thankfully it was caught in time.

 

Do you think this is playing on his mind also?

[Real]

First advice I have for you is do, Do not blame yourself only for the situation. Yes you had a lot to do with it, but it takes two and he has faults in this. I will say that I see a lot of LOVE in the relationship by what you have described and believe that this can one can definitely be reconciled eventually, but it will take a long time. You have to be patient at this point and truly let it be for a while. I know mentally & emotionally, it's going to be in your head each and everyday. Give him the space that he needs for now and let him reach out to you. Do not play games when he reaches out.

For me as a man, the fact that this guy broke down and confessed about his infidelity, shows a lot of courage. I'm not condoning what he did, but it's a good thing that he did. Counseling is great for the both of you and I highly recommend that you continue as long as both of you agree. I'm not trying to get your hopes up, but I don't think he's truly ready to let go of what he's built with you. But you have to let him go and continue to live for yourself and daughter. I hate stories like this one, because I truly believe they can be worked out. This is a tough one, but you have to be strong for yourself and just live.. It's easier said than done, but you have no alternative. You have to do it. Give it time and space and a lot of time. By the way, you are not desperate. You've invested years, energy, love into a situation and letting it go like that is not easy.

[soo unhappy]

I do think of him constantly, I cry when I wake up, when I realise it's not a bad dream & I cry when I go anywhere for the first time since the break up & I cry myself to sleep at nights. Not unusual you would say for a woman, but it is for me my girls had never seen me cry, my husband told the counsellor that I was very strong and hide my emotions and he had only seen me cry 5 times tops. I'm an emotional mess making up for lost time.

 

My doctor has given me tamazepan to sleep at nights but I still only manage 5/6 hrs tops. I try not to use them every night as I know they can be addictive just try to limit it to really bad days.

 

I've lost 14lbs in just over a month, I wasn't overweight to start with!

 

I do think it's possible to repair but at the moment he's not hearing me, I suppose he's thinking that I can't possibly change overnight.

 

We've had 3 or 4 'together' sessions with the counsellor, he's had one on his own & I had one this week - she said that he seems to have tunnel vision, told me to speak up more in joint sessions (she wants us both to go next week). He had said to me prior to this to book him an appointment for next week or he was willing to go together but only to talk about seperation. I did tell her this & asked her if it was possible to get back together, she said it was but it would take time.

 

Everyone keeps saying time but how much time? Weeks, months, a year?

 

This is breaking my heart.

[soo unhappy]

Confused as to what to do next, would love to hear your thoughts.

 

Since our seperation my husband has lost a lot of weight & had to buy new clothes, he popped round to our home for some reason or another - I was sitting in the kitchen with my friend, when he left I said to her "he looked gorgeous" she said I should tell him.

 

Later that day I sent him a text saying "love the new clothes thought you looked gorgeous"

 

When we spoke a few days later he said what you said in that text why couldn't you have said things like that to me when we were together?

 

Last Wednesday was a beautiful day - I was at work so was my husband, I said to him that our daughter should not be with my Mum today & that I should be on the beach with her, he said that if he'd suggested that a couple of months ago I would have had none of it.

 

I repeated this conversation to our counsellor she said that I had to keep telling him things like this.

 

What else can I do/say to make him believe that I am becoming that person he wanted so badly so that maybe just maybe he could fall in love with me again?

[Tired Tiger]

I repeated this conversation to our counsellor she said that I had to keep telling him things like this.

 

I'd like to both agree and disagree with this. As they say, talk is cheap... or to borrow another cliche - actions speak louder than words. Don't make the mistake of scripting things to say based on a 'strategy' of winning back your ex. They have an uncanny ability to see right through this in the most skeptical of ways. Instead of saying you should be at the beach with your daughter... just blow off a day of work and actually take her there! Don't announce it or go out of your way to make sure he knows about it... just do it! Do it because you want to do it, and do it to please your daughter... but don't do it on the basis of impressing him. Meaningful change is far more productive than manipulation.

 

Just my .02

[soo unhappy]

Tired tiger, I do hear what you're saying & I'm not trying to manipulate him & I fully intend to do things for my daughter & myself I will never put work in front of my family again.

 

I got out of the habit of doing things with my daughter & for myself over the last few years as I was so wrapped up with work.

 

At the weekends for example laundry, housework etc needed to be done so in my warped logic I figured my daughter ought to have fun but someone had to do the chores - I was better at these chores & my husband is such a fun guy I figured rather than her staying in whilst we did housework she'd have much more fun with him so he would take her out while I did the chores.

 

I need ideas of things to do with her as over the last few years she has missed out having fun with me.

 

The counsellor said that over the years he has built up a wall to protect himself from the rejection and it will take time for him to accept that I'm not the person he left but the person he first met & yearned for over the last few years.

 

So he does need to know what I'm doing as how will he know that I'm changing for the better, afterall I do want him back - not just for my sake but my daughters sake too.