Can he be honest with himself?

[troublemaker]

I'm new to this, so I hope my first post isn't too long. My husband and I recently married after dating for 1 1/2 years. Of course, during that time I've asked about his past relationships including ones that lead up to us meeting. We're both in our mid 30's, second marriages, without children. When I would ask questions, I thought I sensed some hesitation in his voice, but I really did ask questions out of curiosity and not trying to deem his worth. He did tell me that he has been in 4 relationships in the past two years. I thought that was a lot, but didn't want to make a judgment call.

 

However, I've recently chatted with a girl he use to occasionally have sex with. She lives in his home town and is close with his mother. She told me that he's been in and out of relationships, including with a woman which he broke it off after meeting me. When I met him he told me that he had no attachments and wasn't seeing anyone. I didn't believe her right away, but I did some snooping and found out that it was true. I've asked him about her (not letting him know that I know) and he said they were just having sex.

 

I'm a firm believer that what ever happened in the past, should stay in the past; however, not only has he lied to me, I feel like he can't be honest with himself enough to truly know if he wants to be with. He sounds like a man who goes from one relationship to another just to be in a relationship. Not sure if I can trust all that he's said in our relationship now. It's gotten me crazy and wishing I had more time to think about this before getting married. BUT - we're married.

 

Any thoughts?

[waveseer]

At this point I would suggest you try and be as non-judgmental as possible setting the tone for if/when he chooses to explore his past with you.

[Sparkley]

I'd just say let sleeping dogs lie and put everything into making this marriage work, you love him and he loves you so just let it lie, will bringing it up do any good?

[Ac143]

If this is really bothering you, why dont you ask him about it, tell him how you know. Then let it go.

[nutbrownhare]

Actually, it sounds as though, having had four unsuccessful relationships in two years, he found someone he could really commit to - YOU.

 

Have you any reason to believe he's been unfaithful to you, when you say you're not sure you can trust all he's said in your relationship? If not, really, leave the past in the past.

 

Most of us don't like being grilled about previous relationships, and though you say that it was just out of curiosity and you were not deeming his worth, the rest of your post really contradicts that - almost as if you're waiting for him to slip.

 

There are many reasons why people might not tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about relationships which are not that important to them. Not all of these are sinister, and unless there's something which is really troubling you about your current relationship (not stuff which happened before you even met), then I'd really let this one go.

 

It can be very difficult to have an open and honest relationship when you are not forgiving your partner for things which happened before you two met, and which are nothing to do with you. Especially if you are asking apparently innocent questions with a firmly hidden agenda behind them.

[Kalika]

Obviously he chose you, and he was honest with you when you asked, so I'm not sure why this is bothering you NOW, well after the fact. Does it upset you that he slept with another woman without commitment??

 

Ask yourself why you are dredging this up right now. Are there other things going on in your relationship that are bothering you?

[DN]

Let it go. He obviously prefers not to share this information with you and it was less confrontational to lie rather than tell you that.

[troublemaker]

Obviously he chose you, and he was honest with you when you asked, so I'm not sure why this is bothering you NOW, well after the fact. Does it upset you that he slept with another woman without commitment??

 

Ask yourself why you are dredging this up right now. Are there other things going on in your relationship that are bothering you?

 

I guess it's bothering me now because he has lied to me. Yes, I know we all tell lies, but I feel as though he cheated on his girlfriend with me and I didn't know about it. He wasn't honest enough to tell me that he was in a committed relationship when he met me. He told me that it was purely sexual, but he told the other woman it was a monogamous relationship.

 

Like I said in my post, I do believe what happened in the past is just that, the past. I guess it hurts to know that I can actually be judgmental, yes I said, and question his faithfulness. I also believe that if he's cheated on her, and by his own admission on his ex-wife, he'll do it to me.

[Sparkley]

I guess it's bothering me now because he has lied to me. Yes, I know we all tell lies, but I feel as though he cheated on his girlfriend with me and I didn't know about it. He wasn't honest enough to tell me that he was in a committed relationship when he met me. He told me that it was purely sexual, but he told the other woman it was a monogamous relationship.

 

Like I said in my post, I do believe what happened in the past is just that, the past. I guess it hurts to know that I can actually be judgmental, yes I said, and question his faithfulness. I also believe that if he's cheated on her, and by his own admission on his ex-wife, he'll do it to me.

 

 

You should talk to him and be open and honest about your fears...hide nothing from him about how you feel about this and talk it through with him, I hope you can find peace this way and sort this out. Good luck.