How Ajaxajax is going?

[ajaxajax]

Hey all

 

I am recovering from a deep spot that made me say some rather controversial things on ENA. Even though I'd need to live for the present and not for the past or future...it's hard because I still haven't had my head on the things holding me back from improving myself from my present situation. Anyway, for me to help myself further, I'd make some declarations:

 

1. I honestly hate Adelaide, Australia. It has to be the most elitist, one sided and uncomfortable city in the country. For example, I keep seeing the TV, radio and papers using the same people talk about stuff here that don't matter me or anyone else and appear to say that just because I'm not a part of this group or that group, I don't matter. And everywhere I go, I see stuckups and more stuckups.

 

2. Although I am disappointed with how well below my potential I am despite being in Australia, I have also found out something about myself I wouldn't have even 6 months ago: I hate many Italians here as much as I hate many Aussies (don't forget, there are good Aussies too - let's make that clear).

Examples:

- My Italian father keeps claiming that my family is held in high regard by other Italian families - even though they actually never trust us to socialise with too much. And they let relative strangers go out with their daughters etc.

- Our family doctors, who are both Italian and brothers, knew us for more than 30 years and yet appear to have such contempt for my family that they let other people who come in later see them before we do.

- Many Italians in Australia now rather call themselves "Italian-Aussie" or just Aussie...and therefore appear to justify the difficulties my family had in Australia - including living in a lower class suburb, having all sorts of non Italian lowlifes marrying into my family - with bizarre consequences, and us spending the first 40 years in Australia in poverty and family turmoil when Italy was having its own "economic boom". They appear to think that just because we lived like that outside Italy, our life has still GOT TO be better than living as a billionaire in Italy!

- I even have a sinking feeling that many Italian women who marry non Italians do so not because of who their husbands are on the inside but because they feel that being Italian condemns them to being petty housewives! I'm still reeling from loving one woman who went out first with an English guy and then an Aussie. She probably didn't appear to love me back because of that reason and also because I acted like a f***ing wuss instead of a real (aka integrated) man! Now, I just wish I never knew her!

 

These are the major things I just got to get out and say. Feel free to add in...thanks

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sounds like you are having a rough time, these days. Also sounds like you are focusing too much on your culture and putting down other cultures. Why not take life as it comes and don't put so much emphasis on your culture. Perhaps if you change your outlook on life in Adelaide, life in general and being Italian you might feel a lot happier and secure within yourself.

[ajaxajax]

I'm not putting down other cultures. It's many Italians who appear to be putting me down because I'm me. I'm actually half Aussie (so I've been rather flexible with cultures) and yet some Italians call themselves Aussie while calling me non Italian just because of my Aussie mother...see the flawed logic?)

 

I know what you're saying makes sense but I just feel that:

- after spending 5 years longer at uni than I should be, I feel that I have a hard time securing my career and finances...which must be done before I can properly enjoy life (I don't believe it but that's how even my own father put it by saying I can only have a gf once I do start my career)

- I focus so much on my Italian culture becuase I felt so isolated from other Italians that it's one of the ways I keep myself away from being a "bogan" in a suburb almost full of them

- I'm also afraid that since I'm half Aussie and if I end up with a non Italian lady myself, then the Italian side in my own family will "die out" - even though I love women from other cultures

- I kept teaching myself for years that the only surefire "end of the world" style revenge against my family's hardship I can think of is to have a family rich, productive, stable, happy and Italian in blood and in action - almost the exact opposite of how my father's family was

 

Of course, I want a woman who's best for me based on what she is inside...I just feel too it's unfair for non Italians to take whatever Italian girl they like while I find myself not being able to get equal consideration from them and give them enough of a chance to prove themselves to me

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think a lot of people marry cross-culturally and those who prefer to have someone within their own culture feel the same frustrations as you...they see members of the opposite sex choose partners outside the culture and it reduces the pool for their own choice. Not much you can do except accept that this is so and hopefully one day you will meet someone within your culture who meshes with you.

[ajaxajax]

I honestly don't care if that woman's even half Italian, as long as the women's the best for me. If she happens to be not Italian, even though I do feel that my identity would take a back seat, we need to come up with some "deal" and hope for the best. If she doesn't accept it, then addio.

 

This is what I mean by equal consideration...an Italian is looked into as much as a half Italian as much as a non Italian. And if the winner does have Italian blood, then f***ing tough luck for the Italophobes!

 

Get the idea?

 

And quote:

I think a lot of people marry cross-culturally and those who prefer to have someone within their own culture feel the same frustrations as you...they see members of the opposite sex choose partners outside the culture and it reduces the pool for their own choice. Not much you can do except accept that this is so and hopefully one day you will meet someone within your culture who meshes with you.

 

Accepting that this is so...even if it happens for the wrong reasons and makes results similar to those in my family?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am not quite sure I understand..but I think it is far better to marry someone you mesh with who may not be Italian, than someone who is dysfunctional but happens to be Italian.

[Circe]

Accepting that this is so...even if it happens for the wrong reasons and makes results similar to those in my family?

 

Gosh.. it concerns me that you seem so wounded by your parents marrying cross-culturally.

 

I wonder what my poor future kids are going to feel like.

 

I always felt like a cultural outsider myself (for some reason I never felt comfortable with my parents culture/religion/social groups). And of course, I don't feel "aussie" even though I've been here for.. 17 years now. I never felt british either (though I lived there for nearly a decade).

 

I don't feel like I "belong" to any country. Although I love living here. Do you think it's the not "belonging" that gets to you?

[ajaxajax]

Crazyaboutdogs, what you are saying is true. I definitely don't want a dysfunctional partner but I don't want to belong to a combined ethnic and socioeconomic "system" that gave me and my family such extreme dysfunction either. Luckily for me, I came accross people of many nationalities far more racist than I am...and I'm the one who gets told to be more "open minded"! They need to open their minds, not me.

 

Indigo, the REASONS for crosscultural marriage make the difference between a triumph of mutual ethnic acceptance and an act of total mayhem for their children. I feel it is not just the "not belonging" to the group I see best that gets to me, but also me not being at a respectable level compared to those in that group.

 

For example, my father:

he insists on being called Italian...and yet accepts all the "bad news" stories about being Italian from "hangers on", usually. It's one of the reasons why he keeps saying, "Australia is the BEEEST!" Well, Dad, if Australia is the best, then why was your family nearly ruined! He even whinged for at least a week about how Australia "unfairly" lost to Italy in a penalty kick during the 2006 Soccer World Cup. Everyone in Australia said the Aussies were set up when even the New Zealanders said the exact opposite! And I feel that, although Australia made a sad loss, Italy won fair and square. So, I felt like telling everyone: "GET OVER IT!"

 

In terms of not being at an "acceptable" level amongst the Italians:

I was the only guy to achieve a high tertiary entrance rank for matriculation at my actually disgraceful high school. Yet, a friend of mine with a rank 13 points less than mine is now a lawyer! While I am still studying and copping the harder effects of the world recession. All because the medical schools I tried to get into see me as too much of a "ghetto" guy for my own good.

 

So, I'm probably in a big grief because one half appeared to abandon my family, whilst the other half has a majority who appear to want to bring me to the ground.

 

Indigo, btw...you are actually rather rare about not "belonging" to Australia. I had to hear many people from Europe, Middle East etc saying Australia is literally perfect when, like every other country, it has problems too. I felt like telling them: "Shut the f*** up!"

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you need to change your attitude a bit. I doubt very much that being Italian has anything to do with difference between your career and the guy who is now a lawyer. In academics grades are only part of the picture...drive, ambition, intelligence and working hard also help you go places.

[ajaxajax]

I am sorry that you feel that I am trailing behind because of ambition, drive etc. I actually find my levels of ambition, drive, intelligence and hard work ethic to be all quite similar to his - if not higher to put it humbly. I do feel that that was not intending to be an insult.

 

He became a lawyer for two reasons:

1. He took every bit of BS in his stride and didn't even care about what his father reckons about him...I couldn't about mine. His father left him alone most of the time. But, I kept getting the appearance from my own father that if I didn't become a doctor, no one would want to know me! Not even him. And I felt that his manner stemmed from his hardship etc, which galvanised my resolve to have my family staying Italian.

2. He studied an Arts degree for one year before transferring into law. The Arts degree was designed to have this "back door". My degree was Health Sciences, but there was no "back door" into medicine - the entrance criteria was far more strict...and competitive!

 

Besides, it wasn't about me being Italian...it was about me, as I felt, not being enough of an Italian and not being from a background socially respectable enough.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Perhaps you should take a page out of this other guy's book and focus on what you want out of life rather than on how everyone perceives you...your own insecurities are your worst enemy.

[ajaxajax]

That's right...and that'd help too in sorting out how I "belong"?

 

As for whether or not I end up with an Italian, let's call this the luck of the draw. Or, since half of the Italian guys in Australia end up with non Italian ladies (with varying consequences), call this a coin toss.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

That's right...and that'd help too in sorting out how I "belong"?

 

As for whether or not I end up with an Italian, let's call this the luck of the draw. Or, since half of the Italian guys in Australia end up with non Italian ladies (with varying consequences), call this a coin toss.

 

I don't belong anywhere...I chart my own course...yes lots of people have mocked me and insulted me during my life, but screw them..people who mock and make fun of others are troubled individuals who are not happy...so if you don't belong, who cares...you can still be happy and do good things with your life whether or not you belong or find a partner.