The girl's real attitude in early dating or getting to know a guy

[mmike]

It has been brought to my attention by a lady that girls might take guys for granted in the beginning stages of getting to know them..basically having the attitude that they will only accept advances/invitations if they "feel" like it. And even if the guy is an interesting, funny comfortable guy if she would not think twice about making an excuse to blow off an invitation or not respond to an email or phone call. What are female readers attitudes on this???

 

Then the next question is if women don't think much of doing this do they actually evaluate/find interesting how a guy responds to such behavior and what do they expect a guy to do when they flake out (or don't they give it any thought?). Because as a guy it happens a lot and I'm always wondering what is the best way to handle it. Nice guys may just look past it and accept it, more discriminating guys might call a girl on her inconsiderate behavior, some would ask and want to talk it out - looking for deeper meaning to the action and what it means in the early relationship/why she did that.

 

 

So ladies, how do you expect you guy to react when you change plans, make excuses. What are attractive reactions and what kinds of reactions are turn offs?

 

Oh, and for those that make a habit out of changing plans or taking an interested guy for granted..shame on you!

[waveseer]

Some women have many options and a limited supply of attention. It's not a very nice thing to do to anyone.

[BriarRose]

Some women have many options and a limited supply of attention. It's not a very nice thing to do to anyone.

..

I agree. If I am interested I will go out with you, If I am not, I won't. There will be no excuses, canceling plans, etc. I think that is not nice to do that.

[Ivory_Tower]

Not all girls are like this. I promise. If I don't really like a guy, then I might pull the kind of thing you described, but in the end I just make my intentions clear and tell them that I want to be friends. In fact, its always best to do that at the beginning, but its hard.

[RomanticAthart]

If she is interested in you, then she will not do that. Be flakey....

 

Most of the times, women do this sort of thing as an indication that they only want to be friends.

 

Or, else she is horribly inconsiderate.

[JusticeLaw9]

It's a game, basically. Women use those kind of tactics to "test" men; they want to see how you compose yourself under pressure and whether or not you can remain confident, yet interesting, funny and not get spooked by the whole look. It's a game they play, because their SOOO used to getting what they want, when they want it. You gotta remember, Women get hit on ALLL the time, every day, people are gawking at them and staring them up and down. So in order for them to distinguish who's who, they play these kind of games. They know it frustrates men, and that they'll probably lose a few within the process, but they do this in the extreme hope that the right one will stick around and hang through it. And usually the one that does, he gets to have his way with her.

 

But that's not to validate in any way what they do as being right; it's game basically. And you don't have to stick around for that if you don't want to, cause not every woman is like that. But I've seen some guys who'll drop all their eggs into one basket early in the game and get the boot. You gotta realize this game works backwards, it's reverse psychology. The harder you chase her, the further she'll run away; she's too used to that and that's what every other guy does.

 

Consider yourself a "catch" too, just as she's looking for you to demonstrate your worthiness and whether or she wants you in her life, you get to be the decider of that too. Don't give her too much power over you, make sure she understands that this thing goes both ways. That's another thing that gets guys hung, they forget within the game that she's interviewing for a spot on their team too. Then they start to look desperate and that scares women away because you seem desperate and weak. And they don't want somebody who they can stomp all over.

 

Just remember, it's all a game... but if she can't walk it like she can talk it.. let her *** go and move on to somebody else who can. You find you a woman who can walk it and talk it.

[mmike]

Not all girls are like this. I promise. If I don't really like a guy, then I might pull the kind of thing you described, but in the end I just make my intentions clear and tell them that I want to be friends. In fact, its always best to do that at the beginning, but its hard.

 

So what does friends really REALLY mean??? Can you flesh it out?

I'm assuming that you are saying if you don't like a guy it is always best to tell him to be frineds "in the beginning" right? Not if you are thinking of dating him tell him you want to start out as friends.

 

Do you like to start meeting a guy as a friend and then work it up to dating status???

[Celadon]

I think that canceling plans is rude, but OTOH, I did something similar recently -- asked him if we could postpone, then asked to change the new time to a later time. So let me explain.

 

When I get to know a guy, I like to take my time. But sometimes the guy will come on really strong, which leaves me uncomfortable. Because in reality, we barely know each other. So I like to keep things pretty casual. With this latest guy, I had the chance to do something really fun with some other friends in the afternoon, but I had already arranged to get together with him for dinner. It was going to be hard to get back in time to meet him, so I asked him to reschedule.

 

To the OP, the best reaction is one of flexibility. The guy I went out with came back to me and said, hey, no problem, do you want to meet an hour later, or reschedule to another day. Because he was so flexible, I went ahead and met him that night, just a bit later. His attitude earned him points with me.

 

Now if I were just game-playing, that would be silly to postpone and cancel and whatnot. But I felt I had some solid reasons for my postponements -- first was a family celebration and the second was a rare opportunity with friends -- and both were a higher priority for me.

 

He didn't seem upset, but you never know, perhaps he was. I did make sure each time to tell him I wanted to get together, I just needed to do it at another time.

[mmike]

EXCELLENT!!! I'd love to hear some woman's perspectives on this because I know it is true..I really believe they often switch their opinion based upon how the guy projects his own reality. I don;t think women can actually comment on this logically because THEY may not realize that they are thinking like that..they just rationalize it differently..but this is based upon emotion which can't be rationalized.

[mmike]

Nice example, thanks for being so candid!

[mmike]

Thanks to everyone who offered their feedback, it is always fun, love ya. (guys don't take that literally). TTYL

[ur02111222]

Well let's see...I only change plans when something really important has come up or I'm sick, so how should I expect him to react? I expect him to be understanding and reschedule with me, because chances are, he will change or cancel plans with me once in a while as well.

 

mmike, I think it's funny that you think strangemagic's post is so excellent, because I thought it was a really inaccurate depiction of the majority of women. Most women are not used to getting hit on ALL the time, or getting what they want when they want it, or looking to play games, or getting gawked at frequently. Bad bad bad logic. Sure some women may play by these rules, but you know how you can fix that? Don't play back with those women. There are plenty who are not looking for games.

[Celadon]

So you did not even care if he was turned off by that??? (because you knew he was too into you maybe?

I knew it was a possibility, but as sopranofille said, there are times when people cancel or reschedule. If I had rescheduled with a girl friend for the same reasons, I wouldn't expect her to be turned off or think I'm "game playing." Sure, she might be disappointed, but I've accommodated many friends' change of plans. It's give and take.

 

Bottom line, I guess I hoped that he would understand. If it had been in reverse, and he had to postpone, I would take all the factors into consideration before jumping to any conclusions as to what it means.

 

His attitude earned him points with me. ( what attitude wouldn't? I am guessing one who would get upset you did not put him first or stick to the plan...what if he called you on your flakiness and was bold ion that respect)

Yeah, for someone I barely know to have such a strong reaction would probably be a turn off. There are ways to express disappointment and show some humor, though. If a guy is interested in a girl, presumably he can stick up for himself and also show he cares about her and their friendship.

 

Disclaimer: I'm not really into all this "power" stuff that some people seem to thrive on. To me, it gets in the way of having a honest-to-goodness caring relationship. My advice is if you DO run into a woman who is playing games, head straight in the other direction. Nobody's perfect, we all make stupid mistakes from time to time, but if she's really just toying with you for kicks, then ... fuhgeddaboudit.

[samis]

I don't think a woman rescheduling, or accepting a new date, is necessarily flaking - it depends on the reason really. As a guy I don't expect to have a girl's undivided attention during the first few meetings. Unless there's intense raw chemistry from the start, guys are going to be "tested" like this.

 

How a guy handles it - with stride or with anger - is up to him. In my experience choosing to take it easy earns a lot of points in the beginning. Really, how well do you know her? Don't you have other things going on in your life to fall back on? She's wondering the same I'm sure.

 

I had this happen a little while ago where something would always come up with this one woman I'm dating. Her excuses were detailed and sounded legit. Sure it was frustrating and I joked with her a bit when it started to feel a bit absurd (as she even saw that) but what could you do? Later when things cooled down, she was *much* more responsive and reciprocated strongly.

 

Normally I wouldn't hang on that long but there's something about her I like enough to stay. I'm also a busy person and understand when things just pile on. Simply put, don't react like it's the end of the world if she "flakes" in the early stages.

[mmike]

I don't think a woman rescheduling, or accepting a new date, is necessarily flaking - it depends on the reason really. As a guy I don't expect to have a girl's undivided attention during the first few meetings. Unless there's intense raw chemistry from the start, guys are going to be "tested" like this.

 

How a guy handles it - with stride or with anger - is up to him. In my experience choosing to take it easy earns a lot of points in the beginning. Really, how well do you know her. Don't you have other things going on in your life to fall back on? She's wondering the same I'm sure.

 

Hi Samis,

 

It is great to get your feedback, thanks, I agree and nice to hear you acknowledge the presence of tests. The question I posed was based upon a reply from a poster. Her attitude appeared to be (at least in her online reply) that it did not seem to bother her if she had to, at the last minute, change her plans with her date to go out with her friends. Usually I prioritize my appointments on a first come first serve basis, so I was suprised to see how the date came pretty much last in the girl's priorities even though she planned something with him before everyone else. But I realize things like that can happen and don't pass judgement because each situation may vary.

[dontworrybhapp]

someone by this man a beer

he is absolutley right in everything he is saying. dont be such a whipped lil whimp over any girl be confident and super nonshalaunt (spelling?) if she breaks plans say in a kool calm voice "oh okay have fun ill ttyl than." dont get upset like a coawrd cause WHO CARES if she wants to do what she wants to do let her dont make her feel liek she has a leash nor let her feel she has one on you. and if at first you don't succeed stop caring.

i dont care what response any woman has to my post i can guarentee that this technique works. idc what they say about the types of girls it works on

cause all girls say they want a nice guy and go for the * * * * * * * in the group. yea thats me.

may i also suggest these two top nocth fine reads.

I hope they serve beer in hell by tucker max

the game by niel strauss

also check out (tucker max . com)

best of luck jus dont be a tool

also may i add that im sorry for sounding so blunt and/or negative i only wish to help and i feel that by being brutally honest with you is the best i can do.

[Cognitive_Canine]

When I like a guy, I'm just as nervous as he is.

[JusticeLaw9]

mmike, I think it's funny that you think strangemagic's post is so excellent, because I thought it was a really inaccurate depiction of the majority of women. Most women are not used to getting hit on ALL the time, or getting what they want when they want it, or looking to play games, or getting gawked at frequently. Bad bad bad logic. Sure some women may play by these rules, but you know how you can fix that? Don't play back with those women. There are plenty who are not looking for games.

 

So then it must not be all that inaccurate then??

 

Listen, I am not just trying to bash women. This kind of stuff is really out there and it's happening. It's not all women, heck no. But women are typically more used to being hit on & drooled at then guys typically are. You have more guys here on ENA starting threads about "Shyness" than you do for Women. It's because the responsibility to take charge falls in our lap to the point where it's become expected of us to take the steering wheel. Not all guys here on this forum know how to drive.

 

The issue is, not many guys are comfortable driving that wheel because they don't quite understand women. The reverse roles, the backwards psychology, the mind games, the teases, the flirts and the sudden cold shoulders. It's a game for you all, but a hair-puller for us because we don't know what's going through your mind. And ironically, you all think that we can read your mind and we can't. So what ultimately happens is, we get mistaken for being passive-aggressive; not making the right moves or saying the right things at the right time and we get passed over as you move on to the next guy. Same thing happens... and then the next guy... same thing happens.

 

So then she comes to ENA and creates a thread about why she can't find a good man and where have all the good men gone? And there's plenty of good brothas out here, but sometimes the whole gamesmanship role doesn't help the chance of succeeding with that.