Avoiding the Friend Zone

[bexcelant]

You know back about 8 months ago when I spilled my guts to my friend and told her that I loved her. I told her that she was everything I had always wanted in a wife. Smart, funny, beautiful, intelligent, sassy, liked being around people, professional, etc etc etc. She said my timing sucked cause she had just started dating a new guy. I knew that I had screwed up and not given her what she needed when we first met. I had not given her the physical affection and intimacy she craved even when she was throwing herself at me

 

Instead, we became the best of friends and we both know stuff about each other that even her current bf probably doesn't know. I couldn't stay around her because I liked her too much and I initiated no contact. Well for the last three months we have had sporadic phone calls and she wants to talk and we have gotten together one time for dinner. She says she wants to get together but when crunch time comes she doesn't have time for me.

 

For the first time this week, she started talking about her bf to me. She mentioned she couldn't do anything with me on Sat. cause she had made plans to be with the bf to workout. Well that sorta made me stop and think where I was headed with her. She later said lets get together for dinner next week..so when I called her..darned if she had her scheduled filled up solid for the next three weeks!!! Well I was sorta pissed off so I gave her attitude and told her that typically when you say you wanna get together with someone it doesn't take three weeks to make it happen. Felt bad and apologized an hour later for the attitude but not the statement. She called me back three days later and we talked for an hour and a half about everything. It was a good conversation but she said I was moody and she said that her current bf is complaining about the same thing that she isn't making time for him. I don't want her comparing me to him in that way so I just said that I wasn't going to push her. When and if she wants to do something with me..that would be fine. I wasn't going to get in the middle between her and her bf. I told her I was friends first and anything after that..well we'd just have to see. She said that was nice of me.

 

Of course I still want her back. Seems as if she's having difficulty with the bf. I'm not sure how to proceed with this one because I know I have to be that shoulder for her to lean on when things go bad. My only worry is that she knows I'm waiting for her and that she thinks of me only as a friend. That is my biggest fear. My question is...how do I be there for her without falling into the friend zone trap that caused the problem in the first place??? [-X

[mogurl]

Well, even if she's everything you want...that doesn't mean you can't date in the mean time until she comes around. I mean, focusing all your time and effort on being a friend is probably obvious to her. Have you considered dating others?

[mahlina]

Hello bexcelant!

 

Why don't you have a discussion with her about it? Yes, I think that's probably the best thing to do. Why don't you just lay it flat on the table and say, "_____, you know, and I know, that I have interest in you. You are certainly, someone who I find potential with, and I don't want to risk losing you as someone who I would like share an exlusive relationship with. I understand that you have a boyfriend. But do you think that we will ever have chance in the future?"

 

I know that this might be a hard thing to do, but since you guys are BESTFRIENDS, then I think that bestfriends are comfortable enough to share anything, and everything with each other. You certainly, are NOT rushing into anything, because, you've developed enough love for her, and that true compassion, that's so hard to find. It's not like you're in love with her for the wrong reasons. In fact, you chosing to put all of the other stuff aside, just to get to know her, shows that you truly are HONEST, and SINCERELY do care for her.

 

I know that you've mentioned it before, and her response was basically wrong timing, but perhaps, you'll know for sure the second time around. I mean, why should you wait right? Then, after you've asked her, you'll find your answer, and can either:

1. Continue on building that friendship with her.

2. OR- Cut yourself loose, and find someone new.

 

There are plenty of other people that you can meet and mingle with. But, for some reason, there's just this one person that we feel emotionally connected to for some reason. And, if we never resolve 'those' feelings, then they will always keep on lingering, ya know what I mean? Sometimes, I wish I knew how that special person was doing. And sometimes, people drift apart, and life goes on. But, you don't want to live to regret knowing that you could've been with that special person, whom you had that special 'bond' with, due to 'improper' timing.

 

Best of Luck to the Two of You! Test the waters, and find out and see. I know that it's probably driving you nuts, just knowing if she cares for you the same right? I'm sure she does. She's just pre-occupied with another relationship, and is being a good girl about it. So, communicate with her, and then make your 'final' decisions.

 

Good LucK

Mahlina

[bexcelant]

You know...I figured that I already put my cards on the table once before. She did say that my timing sucked and that we both agreed that if things didn't work out she'd give me a chance. I have the feeling that laying the cards on the table the second time would be pushing again. I wish I could speed up their breakup!!

 

BTW I have not been idle..I have been dating other women but they turn into one or two date wonders and then punt!!

[Sn0man]

Im sorry to say this my friend, but you are IN the friend zone.

 

The ONLY way out of the friend zone is to not be her friend. I know thats harsh.

 

Once your out, youre out. Then you're back to step 1...getting her to like you as something other than a friend. This is a very VERY difficult thing to do, as you have to remove your friendship from her (in the strictest sense of 'just a friend') and then get her to like you PHYSICALLY.

 

I don't want to get you into low spirits here, but this is a near impossible thing to do. If you like this girl THAT much, you have your work cut out for you. If I were you, I would try to find someone else. But I am not you, and you will ultimately have to decide how to proceed.

 

Let me tell you one more time so that it sinks in...YOU ARE HER FRIEND, AND NEARLY NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE THAT OTHER THAN YOU. THE SECOND SHE STARTS TALKING TO YOU ABOUT HER B/F AND USING YOU AS A SHOULDER TO CRY ON, YOU LUCK HAS RUN OUT.

 

You have to prove to her that you are better that her b/f, another obstacle not easily removed..(you cannot do this as her friend).

 

Yes, I know this is a harsh post, but im pretty sure no one is going to disagree with me on this.

 

I sincerely wish you the best on this, but I reccommend you move on to someone else, as this can be a trying, painful and impossible feat to accomplish. And you risk losing your friend forever.

 

Best wishes

 

Sn0man

[Something funny]

Girls seem to have a more distinguished line between friends and lovers than guys do. I know from experience that it's easier for a girl to rise from being a guy's friend to his lover than it is for a guy to do the same thing with a girl.

 

So how does that transgression work in the eyes of a girl? Any female here who feels she can answer that question?

[bexcelant]

Ok..maybe yes maybe no....but I have only one thing to add to this. Friend zone perpetually stuck there or launching pad to something better? Check out this site and tell me what you think? link removed