I decided to contact him writing that letter - suggestions

[exback]

Story in short:

 

My first boyfriend - 4 years relationship (I am 23)- and I had a stupid fight about the car and it ended him ignoring me. I tried to contact him for weeks till I understood he broke up with me by ignoring me. He never talked to me again even so I tried to contact him 1 month. After that 1 month I went NC and broke NC after 2 more months (got ignored) and went NC again.

 

Today, 5 months after break up he didn't contact me even once and I tried to contact him during the last 4 months just once...

 

I can't get closure. The only thing keeping me from getting closure is his answer WHY he broke up with me (it can't be just because of this stupid car fight). I just know that I can stop thinking about him/the relationship if I know that answer. Today I found out that my wish to contact him is for that reason - I wouldn't even try to get him back ... I want to know why..

 

Any suggestions on how to make sure he will read my question!??? Writing a short note and sending it via Mail or texting him or writing an email. I would even promise him to never contact him again if he would answer at least that one question...

 

Otherwise I won't find peace of mind since I never asked him that question. I just tried to get him back and promised and told him I miss him but never asked that one important question.

 

I am just sooooo afraid he won't give me an answer to that question ignoring me all over again...

[doiiiieeezie]

You are going to write him anyway and really, just make it simple. Do you want to talk to him directly or for him to just answer the question through email.

[exback]

I don't want to talk to him directly since I am somehow afraid of him even thinking about him makes me feel some kin of panic - I couldn't face him ever again after what he did to me. So I just want to make sure he answers my question. I even thought about asking his friends instead of him directly but I guess they would ignore my question too and didn't want to get involved

[RobD70]

Odds are you won't get "closure" or any real answers to your questions. Chalk it up to him being a jerk and using your fight as an excuse to get away. He most likely has been thinking about it for a while so bolted when he got a chance. There's also a good chance there's another girl in the picture.

 

If he cared about you then you would have heard from him by now. If you write a letter, he'll either ignore it or be all "It's not you, it's me" or some lame excuse like that. It's better off you stay NC unless you can come up with a reason to contact that has nothing to do with the relationship like you need something back from him. Otherwise you'd most likely just waste your time.

[exback]

Yeah...I think he won't answer that question. He wouldn't even read my letter/ email. He would delete it or throw it away unread...

 

Why is it so difficult to answer that little question... I can't believe it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[steve11]

My advice would be to not send the letter. Easier said than done.

 

Work on forming relationships with people who are willing to engage you.

[exback]

Yes. I already changed my mind. I know he wouldn't answer and I would feel horrible again. I have to accept that I will never know for sure why he broke up. Maybe he doesn't know himself - who knows.

[Clabs]

Hi there exback

 

Breakups suck, that is for sure, eh?

 

You are wanting to write a letter asking for specifics on why he broke up with you and want to make sure he reads it. Unfortunately, you cannot be sure he will reply, or even read it. He preferred to mess about with computer games rather than talk to you when you went over there before - pretty childish wasn't it? The point is that that should show you exactly where his head is at and if he cannot talk to you when you are there then you are very unlikely to get an answer to your question.

 

What would be a satisfactory reply anyway? What would give you this closure that you seek? Even if he does reply, it is likely that he will spin you any old chestnut in the hope of getting you off his back so you'd likely still be left wondering.

 

Hard as it is hun, he has stopped contacting you or replying to you. The fact that he didn't have the decency to talk to you when you were over there speaks volumes about the sort of person he is.

 

Give this a bit of time and let the dust settle for a while and you will likely see that your relationship and him were not so wonderful as you imagined, though I know it is difficult now because you are looking at things with rose coloured glasses.

 

Lots of people write letters such as what you are wanting to write but end up never sending them. It gives you a chance to have your say in safe surroundings, without anyone ignoring you or arguing with you. They end up writing the letter for themselves. And quite often, they revisit that letter and think, crikey, what was I thinking!

 

Of course if you think you can send that letter without ANY expectations whatsoever and you think it will make you feel better then go ahead. All I am saying is just really think about the outcome you want.

 

I hate this "closure" expression". So you are waiting for someone else to tell you that it is ok to walk away and move forward in your life. To my mind, it is not closure, but acceptance. Acceptance that there is not much you can do about the situation and if there is not much you can do about it then why worry about it? When you accept that some broken things just cannot be fixed.

 

Keep your chin up hun - I know this is not easy.

 

Mark

[Gratsy]

There is absolutely no solution to your pain. You just have to accept it. To have been in a four year relationship where the person just walks away, not even the consideration of an explanation, must be very painful. But his message is clear: I don't love you and I don't want you. Very painful. But, there isn't anything you can do about it. You have two choices, sit around and dwell or move on.

[metrogirl]

You still won't find closure because even if he does answer your question, you will have 100 more questions.

 

He hasn't talked to you in 5 months. It's evident that he acted like a jerk and should have taken the high road and at least given you an explanation but he didn't. This is one of those cases where you need to lick your wounds and just try to move forward.

 

I hope you start to feel better soon.

[exback]

Yes you are right. I never accepted the truth, I have never accepted that it will be for good and that's why I couldn't even cry. From the first day he started ignoring me I went to university and kept bussy. Altogether since break up I cried maybe 5 times the last 5 months. I don't know why I can't even cry...I am sooooo sad as if life ends and I am not able to cry. Maybe it is time to start crying and realizing it is the end...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

No sense crying over a jerk...accept that it is over..that he was not the man you thought he was, that a man like that is not worth crying over..and carry on with your life as if he no longer existed.

[exback]

Thanks a lot. I will move on and I am proud I didn't get weak and write/send that letter. At least I have learned to talk about it instead of doing it without giving it a second thought.

I am glad I found ENA!!!!!!!