Kantriakhor Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 You talk about being non-judgemental and yet you are judging me, telling me I am a cheater, which is in fact sitting in judgement about my having sex with someone. I'm not your romantic interest, I don't have to try to make thigns work with you. You had sex with someone outside of your relationship, that's cheating. It's not a judgment per se, it's stating what you did. Link to comment
dangletsbang Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 sweeeeet, well this is my last post is this thread. Have fun cheating on your boyfriend & making your problems worse. Link to comment
Kantriakhor Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Danglet I have already answered your question why are you asking it again? You say you don't know what cheating is -- this is what I wrote: Something can only be defined as "cheating" if you made an agreement or promised something and then you broke that agreement, promise, pledge or vow. As my b/f and I do not have such an agreement, there was no agreement to be broken, and therefore, no "cheating" is involved. Are you exclusive? Would you do this in front of him or inform him of it? Have you told him? If you're hiding it from him then you know it's not something he'd agree to nor give consent to. Being exclusive implies not going out with other people in a romantic or sexual nature. At best it's omission, at worst it's lying, either way the act is still cheating (unless it's an open relationship and your boyfriend is aware/approving of it) even if you don't want to call it that. Link to comment
Anonymos Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Have you ever thought of ending your relationship with him because you know you don't have the intimate feelings for him that he deserves? Link to comment
bingedrinking Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I guess the relationship is over. I mean, if he doesn't have any interest in resolving the problems, how can you continue? I have been thinking about why I never want to get married and this thread is ample proof about why I didn't want to do it. I don't want my wife to come on to enotalone and say things like "he disgusts me". Better to have short term casual flings and get it over with. Because it is hard to actually satisfy a woman for a lengthy period of time. Link to comment
Kantriakhor Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I've just received three private messages warning me about the nasty people that lurk on these boards. How unfortunate that I met two of them on my first day! It is NOT cheating if both parties are adamant and made it clear to one another that they do not agree with sexual exclusivity. Are you two so dumb that you cannot understand what that means? Words like cheating are a narrow moral judgement on your part. You'll be telling me that God will send me to hell next. Nope, I doubt God would send you to hell for that. I'll ignore the personal attacks. If neither of you agreed to sexual exclusivity then that absolves the cheating and the issue of loyalty however I stand by the opinion that you don't respect him, based on how you speak of him. Link to comment
nicknick Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 It certainly is when you bingedrink (brewers droop and all that!) Link to comment
WorriedLadyUK Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 Have you ever thought of ending your relationship with him because you know you don't have the intimate feelings for him that he deserves? Yes I have been thinking of doing so for several years. Then I look at him and how happy he is with me, how much he loves me and looks forward to visiting and spending all his holidays with me and I think, how can I break his heart and leave him lonely just because I think he "ought" to find someone else? He's done nothing wrong, so it seems harsh to dump him. Secondly, I would be devastated to lose him. He means everything to me -- my world pretty much revolves around him as his revolves around me. If he were not in my life I would be absolutely desolate. Two people would be made extremely unhappy. I guess a lot of people on here are in their 20s or 30s. We are in our 50s and it gets harder and harder at our age to find someone who shares your values, wants to live as you do, who shares your hobbies and is a really steadfast friend. Would dumping him help him at all? Link to comment
WorriedLadyUK Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 I stand by the opinion that you don't respect him, based on how you speak of him. I agree. No respect at all. As I wrote earlier: I would like us to be together and live together the rest of our lives. I absolutely love him to bits and love being with him, he is so kind and caring and wonderful and funny and serious and reliable and trustworthy, everything I've ever dreamed of, all in one person!I absolute adore this man, love every second I am with him. We've never had an argument, have always been on the very best of terms and the best of buddies. We share so many interests and hobbies. He is the perfect man to settle down into an old age with, if I can just fix this problem...he says he is very happy with me and does not ever want to be with anyone else Total disrespect, obviously! You are clearly a complete * * * * * * * , so leave my thread to the sensible, mature people. Go away! Link to comment
NightLily Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 It is just about what you want. If you are fine living a sexless life, then you should do that. Everybody has different limits for what they can and can not live with. Just decide what yours are. Link to comment
WorriedLadyUK Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 "I guess the relationship is over. I mean, if he doesn't have any interest in resolving the problems, how can you continue?" Well it has done for 6 years. "I have been thinking about why I never want to get married and this thread is ample proof about why I didn't want to do it." We're not married, we don't even live in the same town! Link to comment
bingedrinking Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I mean LTR's also. Well it has done for 6 years. Do you really want to continue? Because the way you describe it, it seems you like you can't stand him. Link to comment
sunshine1 Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 You said that you and your bf have agreed you are free to have sex with whomever. If this is the case, then how do you know he is not having sex on the side? Maybe there is no problem because like you, he enjoys spending time together, but he is also being satisfied somewhere else. Link to comment
WorriedLadyUK Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 It is just about what you want. If you are fine living a sexless life, then you should do that. Everybody has different limits for what they can and can not live with. Just decide what yours are. Yes I am happy to live without sex. There's just some nagging thing in my mind that "a man cannot (or should nto be expected to) live without sex". HE's never said this, or anything like it. It's just this nagging voice in my head. Maybe put there by society? I don't know. I am going to try to talk it through with him tomorrow. Ask him if he would rather break up with me and try to find someone else. I think I know what his answer is going to be ("No"). So I will be back at square one, feeling guilty that I am not "providing" what I think every man "must" need. Hmmm.... Link to comment
WorriedLadyUK Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 the way you describe it, it seems you like you can't stand him. That is what you heard when you read this from my first posting? I would like us to be together and live together the rest of our lives. I absolutely love him to bits and love being with him, he is so kind and caring and wonderful and funny and serious and reliable and trustworthy, everything I've ever dreamed of, all in one person!I absolute adore this man, love every second I am with him. We've never had an argument, have always been on the very best of terms and the best of buddies. We share so many interests and hobbies. He is the perfect man to settle down into an old age with, if I can just fix this problem...he says he is very happy with me and does not ever want to be with anyone else Link to comment
iLiveWithMyMom Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 OP, by your own admission, you have absolutely no sexual chemistry with this man. None. (Actually, worse than that, like other's said, you're actually repulsed by him physically. lol ouch.) You say you're OK with that because you have no sex drive, but clearly this isn't the case if your experience with this other man was, as you describe, "mind-blowingly fantastic" and that you were "highly responsive". In other words, you're clearly an individual that enjoys sex very much and would prefer having it vs not, so I'm not sure why you'd consider spending the rest of your life with someone who offers you absolutely nothing in that dept. Yes, I read how he treats you well and how you two have lots of common interests, etc, but so what? There tons of guys out there that know how to treat women, and I think the notion of having common interests is overrated. Common interests are a necessity for friendships, not romantic relationships. I think sexual chemistry is waaaay more important than sharing the same hobbies or whatnot. If you were 65, I'd say fine, sexual compatibility is probably the least important thing on your list, but you're only 50, and you've admitted that with the right type of man, the sex is still amazing. By staying with this guy, it'd seem to me that you're doing a lot more settling than you're willing to admit. Link to comment
NightLily Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 It is hard, but try not to decide what he wants. He is a grown man and can own up for his own happiness. Easier said then done but you gotta try. Link to comment
WorriedLadyUK Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 You said that you and your bf have agreed you are free to have sex with whomever. If this is the case, then how do you know he is not having sex on the side? Maybe there is no problem because like you, he enjoys spending time together, but he is also being satisfied somewhere else. Good point. He may well be doing so. Mind you, he and I are so much inside each other's lives that it would be nigh-impossible for him to be having an affair. I know where he is 24/7 because I am always phoning him at random times and he is always at home and we have a nice long chat, plus he is very shy and finds it impossible to meet women - none at work, etc and he never goes out in the evenings without me. But it's not impossible of course and for all I know he might even visit the odd massage parlour, all I can say is that in 6 years whenever I have phoned him in the evenings when he isn't at work there hasn't been a single occasion that he didn't answer the phone. And he works in a job where he is unable to leave the premises at all from 9 to 5. In a way I hope he has been getting some. I love him so very much that I'd like to think he was getting some carnal pleasure somewhere, as it's every human being's right to pursue what they want in life and get it. And if he is, then I am even more flattered that he still chooses to stay with me for my personality. What greater compliment can there be to a woman than that a man wants her for herself and not (just) for the sex he might be getting? Link to comment
sunshine1 Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Well although he may be at home, you never know who is visiting him at his house. Or maybe late at night, he goes out to meet someone. Not saying this is the case - and maybe this has never happened - but don't be so sure he isn't satisfied. If you talk to him and both of you are happy with the relationship - I wouldn't worry about it. Link to comment
iLiveWithMyMom Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Yes I have been thinking of doing so for several years. Then I look at him and how happy he is with me, how much he loves me and looks forward to visiting and spending all his holidays with me and I think, how can I break his heart and leave him lonely just because I think he "ought" to find someone else? He's done nothing wrong, so it seems harsh to dump him. Secondly, I would be devastated to lose him. He means everything to me -- my world pretty much revolves around him as his revolves around me. If he were not in my life I would be absolutely desolate. Your first reason should not play any part in your decision. I'm sure you already know why, but maybe you need to hear it from another person. If your partner read this thread, he'd be devastated. I'm guessing if he really knew the extent of how you felt about him physically, he'd probably dump you if he had an ounce of self respect. The best thing one of my ex's ever said to me to help me get over her was, "I see a man in my future, but it's not you." Trust me, you're not doing him any favors by hiding how you really feel. I won't comment on your second reason because that's entirely on you. Link to comment
WorriedLadyUK Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 iLiveWithMyMom I think you are making some VERY valid points. You make me ask myself: would I rather stay with him and never have sex again, or would I rather be with someone else, and have good sex. But I find this impossible to answer, because so much comes down to personalities. What would this other, fictional man be like as a person? Given that he would be in his 50s or 60s would'nt he have sooner or later libido or erection problems? And where does that leave my beloved? Out in the cold, dumped for another man just because the sex was better? Feels rather callous to me. And then Suzy reminds me "He is a grown man and can own up for his own happiness." What he wants is to stay with me, and, clearly from his actions, to have sex from time to time. Does anyone think I should try to put on an act and have sex with him? You say I "would prefer having it vs not" but actually I would not. I am happy never to do it again. It was an interesting experiment which resulted in my finding out that I am not sexually dead, as I suspected, but simply have as you say no chemistry with my b/f. Also you have to take into account the "novelty value" of a one-off bit of fun. Maybe if I had that man in my bed night after night I'd go off him, too? Link to comment
WorriedLadyUK Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 Sunshine: "don't be so sure he isn't satisfied." Not sure why you are saying that, I clearly said that "He may well be doing so" and "for all I know he might even visit the odd massage parlour". Link to comment
amipushy Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Do you think that the fact he dribbles means he is highly attracted to you and perhaps when he loses the erection he senses your 'disgust' of him and gets performance anxiety? Link to comment
WorriedLadyUK Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 He's always either cum within seconds or lost his erection right from the start when I was still genuinely enthusiastic. I started off being so understanding, encouraging, sweet and kind. But when it went on, week after week, month after month, plus his other "moves" were clumsy, uncomfortable and irritating, I became less enthusiastic, more irritated at being all worked up then left unsatisfied. It was partly so as his feelings didn't get hurt by my obvious irritation at being left up in the air that I stopped having sex with him altogether. That way there is no unpleasantness, just joy and laughter and books and crosswords and music and the radio and cuddling up and going to sleep. I don't think I have ever projected disgust. I hope not! Link to comment
jul-els Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I was with a woman for 5 years whom I was not sexually compatible with but we were great friends. All we needed to do was break up. We remain great friends to this day. You just need to get rid of the parts of the relationship that don't work. Namely, being a couple. You can still have the great friendship if you both still want it. If you leave things the way they are, you will end up resenting the situation. Link to comment
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