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Sex is rotten ~ but I love him!


WorriedLadyUK

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My b/f and I both aged 50. Been together 6 years. We live apart but I would like us to be together and live together the rest of our lives. I absolutely love him to bits and love being with him, he is so kind and caring and wonderful and funny and serious and reliable and trustworthy, everything I've ever dreamed of, all in one person!

 

Problem: I hate having sex with him. So many reasons. It's not all because of one thing but maybe 20% each of these things:

 

1. I have a very, very low sex drive. I feel a slight urge maybe once in 3 months and masturbate, then forget all about sex for another 3 months. I occasionally get propositioned by guys but I cannot be bothered.

 

2. I don't fancy him. When I look at his naked body it's about as sexy as looking at my cat or a house or something - no desire at all.

 

3. I don't like his touch on me. I particularly hate the way if we are lying in bed staring at the ceiling he will just put his hand between my legs and start groping me. It irritates me and is un-passionate and un-romantic. I push him off and sometimes have said "I need passion, I need romance", but then he just doesn't seem to know what I mean. And because I don't really want the sex anyway, I cannot be bothered to explain in detail how he should act, and even if I could be bothered the entire thing would be ruined by the fact that I had given him all the orders and instructions.

 

4. I don't like the shape of his penis or the way it dribbles lubricant all the time. When we're naked in bed together sleeping it dribbles over whatever part of my anatomy is near it. I hate the way it cannot escape from its tight foreskin. I don't want to touch it and would never put it in my mouth.

 

5. If we do intercourse, it is a total let down.

 

Occasionally I let him do it, but it's so shortl that I can barely feel anything other than a slight pleasant sensation. But, within ten seconds, he either cums or goes soft, and in both cases falls out. This leaves me feeling frustrated, but only because he has got me aroused. (What I mean is, if he didn't get me aroused in the first place, I would not feel at all frustrated because I don't feel any need for sex.)

 

I have suggested he go to the doc for a check up, but he absolutely point blank refuses as it is far too embarrassing. He is convinced Viagra leads to eye problems so won't take it. I'm not going to argue with him about this because it's his body and his choice, and I don't care if we never have sex.

 

I admit that I am rubbish in bed, but that is because I don't fancy him and I don't want sex very much or very often.

 

I've been with many men in the past. I know what I like (strong, assertive, dominant types with huge penises and vast amounts of passion and charisma). He is about as exciting as a wet bagel. Sexually he is cold, mechanical, tentative, passionless, everything he does just irritates or hurts or gets on my nerves. A year ago just as an experiment I went with another man, just too see what it would be like. The sex was mind-blowingly fantastic and I was highly responsive.

 

The reason I am writing this, the reason it is a problem is that clearly HE cannot be happy with the way things are. He's still youngish and fit. He must want and need sex. I want this relationship to last the rest of our lives, I really want us to get a house together to live in our old age. I think he will be reluctant because the sex is so rubbish and well, almost non-existent.

 

I don't suppose there is any way out of this problem, is there? I absolute adore this man, love every second I am with him. We've never had an argument, have always been on the very best of terms and the best of buddies. We share so many interests and hobbies. He is the perfect man to settle down into an old age with, if I can just fix this problem.

 

Does anyone have any advice?

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Sounds like you have a wonderful FRIEND for life, but not a romantic relationship and I don't think it is a wise idea to spend the rest of your life with someone who completely repulses you like that. Perhaps his sexual performance issues have a lot to do with knowing you cringe at his very touch and find his body repulsive. People can live quite happily together without actually having full blown sex as long as there is some kind of physical intimacy to show that there is a connection. You can't stand him touching you and being near you so there is no real physical intimacy. The fact that you are repulsed by him indicates a lack of emotional intimacy in the true romantic partner type way. Sure you talk and laugh and have a good time together just like friends do...but it sounds like you are nothing more than friends and your interest in spending your life with him has more to do with having a partner to do things with rather than having a true love match.

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Re: kissing:

 

I don't mind kissing him on the lips (closed mouths). I don't mind being naked in bed with him and sleeping like spoons on our sides.

 

 

"That you're a cheater and should let him find someone who won't cheat on him."

 

That's an incredibly UNhelpful comment that doesn't address my problem at all.

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Have you thought about going to sex theraphist? It's no pills, no embarrsing moments with doctor check ups. But just talking about you sexual life with a professional. If you are having sex with him and you get aroused, then you maybe don't have a sex drive unless you are ACTUALLY having sex. This is fixable. And if you really love this man and he really loves you then it's fixable!

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Re: kissing:

 

I don't mind kissing him on the lips (closed mouths). I don't mind being naked in bed with him and sleeping like spoons on our sides.

 

 

"That you're a cheater and should let him find someone who won't cheat on him."

 

That's an incredibly UNhelpful comment that doesn't address my problem at all.

 

Sounds like the type of kiss you might give your dad .. This just strengthens the argument that you have found a great friend as CAD was saying. He must know that you guys don't have the best physical connection? Don't put yourself through that sort of repulsion.

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Perhaps I should have written more.... He's never had a girlfriend before and when I ask him he says he is very happy with me and does not ever want to be with anyone else.

 

Crazy: sorry didn't make myself clear about touching. I meant sexual touching. I don't mind touching him otherwise, in a non-sexual way and we do sleep naked together, touching.

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"Have you thought about going to sex theraphist?"

 

Yes indeed, but, again, he would not go because it's far too embarrassing. Besides which, and I should have said this earlier, when I broach the subject he says sex doesn't matter but I do not believe him. If it were true why does he keep trying to grope me in his clumsy and cold manner?

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I agree with CAD. You clearly have no romantic love for this guy, and there's nothing with that; it just happens that way sometimes, and you can't force it, no matter how suitable he seems. He's a great companion, but not a romantic partner for you. You know this not just because you're not turned on by him, but because you clearly don't care whether or not he is turned on by you either, and that's a key indicator of romantic desire.

 

I had a relationship with someone who I came to see as a great companion and lost all romantic feelings for, and eventually it was just impossible to continue to pretend. It's incredibly hard choosing to give up on someone who in so many ways is so suitable, but you will find that eventually you can't stand it anymore, and you will want to find someone else. Better to let him down now, and give yourself more time to find someone, rather than drag it out any longer.

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That you're a cheater and should let him find someone who won't cheat on him.

 

Aside from that, work on your communication skills, tell him what you want, who cares that you needed to explain it, so long as the end result is good.

 

Where did you come to that conclusion? She's here for advice.

 

I think there is no sexual chemistry and you're better off just as friends, communicate with him.

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Well it's been six years now. It was fairly OK for the first few weeks and I thought it would get better but it got worse.

 

I think we are very romantic (mind you that depends on your definition of romance). We hold hands, we buy each other presents and cards and chocolates with hearts and flowers and make surprises for each other. I suppose that is my/his definition of romance.

 

He drives quite a way just to see me and is always enthusiastic and smiling and happy to see me and we go on lots of trips and holidays which he really looks forward to and he'll do anything for me, anything at all.

 

Funny thing is, it's not HIM who's complaining, it's more me worried that a man cannot truly be happy without sex. Maybe that is the REAL question: can any man really be happy without sex, for the rest of his life?

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It's incredibly hard choosing to give up on someone who in so many ways is so suitable, but you will find that eventually you can't stand it anymore, and you will want to find someone else. Better to let him down now, and give yourself more time to find someone, rather than drag it out any longer.

 

Thank you Karvala for your input. Your comment assumes that there can be no true relationship without sex and that two people who genuinely love each other dearly for six years ought to part and be lonely and miserable alone just so that they can each find someone to have sex with. Hmmm...

 

I fear we'd each never find anyone else and just be lonely old pensioners living off cans of baked beans and stroking a cat each.

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That's an incredibly UNhelpful comment that doesn't address my problem at all.

 

The fact you don't see it as wrong, and take offense to bringing it up, is the same way your husband feels offended to you bringing up his inadequacies.

 

You both need to shore up and communicate each other's luck-luster qualities in a nonjudgmental, open, and honest format to make progress.

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The fact you don't see it as wrong, and take offense to bringing it up, is the same way your husband feels offended to you bringing up his inadequacies.

 

You both need to shore up and communicate each other's luck-luster qualities in a nonjudgmental, open, and honest format to make progress.

 

agreed....

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I fear we'd each never find anyone else and just be lonely old pensioners living off cans of baked beans and stroking a cat each.

 

Fear isn't a good reason to be in a relationship, love, respect, affection are. If nothing else you lack respect and loyalty.

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"what's worrying me..is the fact that you don't care or have any guilt about the fact that you CHEATED on him"

 

Thank you for contributing, but that is not what this thread is about and not what the problem is, and that did not cause the problem that I have. It's totally irrelevant.

 

What is more, something can only be defined as "cheating" if you made an agreement or promised something and then you broke that agreement, promise, pledge or vow. As my b/f and I do not have such an agreement, there was no agreement to be broken, and therefore, no "cheating" is involved.

 

You say that Love Conquers All. How does that apply to my problem?

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"what's worrying me..is the fact that you don't care or have any guilt about the fact that you CHEATED on him"

 

Thank you for contributing, but that is not what this thread is about and not what the problem is, and that did not cause the problem that I have. It's totally irrelevant.

 

What is more, something can only be defined as "cheating" if you made an agreement or promised something and then you broke that agreement, promise, pledge or vow. As my b/f and I do not have such an agreement, there was no agreement to be broken, and therefore, no "cheating" is involved.

 

You say that Love Conquers All. How does that apply to my problem?

 

that's in my signature.

 

haha.

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you lack respect and loyalty.

 

I lack neither. I love and adore my boyfriend. It's only our love and respect for each other as persons that has kept us together for 6 years. It sure isn't the sex!

 

I am being honest here and two of you are being quite nasty to me for no good reason.

 

You talk about being non-judgemental and yet you are judging me, telling me I am a cheater, which is in fact sitting in judgement about my having sex with someone.

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I lack neither. I love and adore my boyfriend. It's only our love and respect for each other as persons that has kept us together for 6 years. It sure isn't the sex!

 

I am being honest here and two of you are being quite nasty to me for no good reason.

 

You talk about being non-judgemental and yet you are judging me, telling me I am a cheater, which is in fact sitting in judgement about my having sex with someone.

 

If what you did isn't cheating..then I don't know what the hell is. ](*,)

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Danglet, why are you SO hung up on this so-called "cheating"? That is NOT what this thread is about, it's NOT what caused this problem, it's NOT what my boyfriend or I have a problem with and it's NOT what I am asking for advice on.

 

It seems to have touched a raw nerve in you, but don't take it out on me!

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If what you did isn't cheating..then I don't know what the hell is. ](*,)

 

Danglet I have already answered your question why are you asking it again?

 

You say you don't know what cheating is -- this is what I wrote:

 

Something can only be defined as "cheating" if you made an agreement or promised something and then you broke that agreement, promise, pledge or vow. As my b/f and I do not have such an agreement, there was no agreement to be broken, and therefore, no "cheating" is involved.

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