jeaniet212 Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Hello, I met this guy 10 months ago. Everything has been going very well. He always makes me feel love and wanted when we hang out. Sex is great (at least that's what it's been like). However, 2 days ago, I found his messanger log and found that he's been having cybersex with his ex-summer fling (a few years ago) who lives in a different state. I felt like he has cheated on me. As I read the log, I felt so disgusted. I talked to him that night, by asking for his perspective of cheating, and told him mind. I asked and he told me that based on my defination, he has cheated on me b/c he makes sexual comments/jokes with his online friends sometimes. I gave him a chance to admit to me, but he didn't so I asked, "so what about what you and Cxxxx has been talking about"... and then there was a silence.... he told me later that it was just joking around and nothing else, if i don't like it, he'd stop. We had sex the next morning, but i didn't feel the same. I didn't feel like it was just between us anymore. I felt like things he does/say to me when we're intimate... it's not just between us... but there's a third person that he does that to... i felt grossed and disgusted as I remembered their conversation. I'm so torn and not sure what to do now. He always told me that he has nothing to hide and gave me his password to email, etc... but this is the only time that i looked in his personal stuff, and found this. I'm so disappointed.I love and care for him so much. I really thought there is something between us that is worth holding on to, but now I'm not sure... am I just over-reacting? I wouldn't mind if he was just watching porn or something but this is with a real person.... it would be cheating right? should I give him another chance or forget his ass... since they all say, a cheater will always be a cheater...? Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Yes it's cheating, not physically, but emotionally, which is still cheating. I'm sorry this happened, and I'm sure that your trust in him just took a bullet. You have to do what's right for you, and that's something only you can answer. Take care... Link to comment
top bloke Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Physically cheating no but emotionally yes. If he wants to talk dirty to a woman why not you? Why should he feel like that? It seems like he doesnt respect the relationship so much to me. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 This was very bad judgement on his part. Emotional cheating is usually where it starts. He shouldn't stop talking dirty to her because you don't like it, he should stop because HE thinks it is wrong! You can't be his moral compass. I think you are reacting like anyone else would. The problem is since you were intimate with him he probably thinks everything is fine and dandy. lost Link to comment
Elena1607308080 Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Cybersex is cheating. I'm sure he knows what he did was inappropriate, but is now trying to play innocent by saying ah we were just kidding around etc. I wouldn't trust him after this, but do what you feel is right. Link to comment
guynextdoor Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 I'm sorry to hear that but he did you wrong and was playing it off. Link to comment
Just-a-Girl Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Aww, honey, I'm so sorry. You must be crushed. It is possible that this was a one time thing and he made an error....or he is who he is and this is just the beginning. You are the only one that can make the choice. If it was me, I'd try once more, but I would be fully prepared to walk if it happened again. But, do NOT drill him about it, you have had the conversation, he has given you his passwords, there is no need to bring it up all the time. Try to put it past you and move on. But, if it happens again, don't bother wasting any time - just get out. Link to comment
jeaniet212 Posted July 27, 2009 Author Share Posted July 27, 2009 I'm gonna have a talk with him today in an hour. He agreed that he was wrong. Unfortunately, it wasn't a one time thing. The log was from last week, and there was 2x. who knows before then.... I am so crushed. I don't know what is the right thing to do. It's true, if he wanted to talk dirty why not to me. This is very disrespectful to me and our relationship. Hopefully I will have this sort out today. Link to comment
MissKnowitall Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 You want to know the right thing to do? I think your heart is telling you the truth by how you've described your feelings since your discovery. You feel like there's a third person because there is a third person. He said it was joking because he got busted having cybersex with an ex gf. He wasn't having cyber with random women it was somebody he was previously involved with. That is more than emotional infidelity. It is also sexual infidelity whether he had sex with her in person or not is irrelevant. He cheated and lied about cheating. Even worse he didn't take responsibility when you busted him. I think its obvious what you need to do. Link to comment
jeaniet212 Posted July 29, 2009 Author Share Posted July 29, 2009 i gave his ass another chance... I don't know if I did the right thing.... but everything seems so great in our relationship (except for this).... could this just be a one time mistake and would never happen again? I don't know.... Link to comment
Simplicity1 Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 hey girl- i can tell you now I can relate to your post. (You can view my older posts if you're curious about my situation) I decided to give my boyfriend a chance after chance and chance again. (Yes we're still together). I can tell you based on my experience, you have to make it as close to 100% as you can clear that he understands what you want. It sounds like that your boyfriend is willing to do anything to make you feel better, so maybe it's a good thing you gave him a chance. He needs to understand that it's going to take time though for you to rebuild your trust in him. When I found stuff on my boyfriend, I felt literally sick to my stomach, my mind went into a whirlwind, and it was crazy stressful. I know what you're going through. Just take it a day at a time and if you want to be with him, stay with him. If you don't, leave. You just have to decide what you want. Link to comment
savignon Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 Make sure you keep checking in with yourself. You say "everything is great" in your relationship...but, it's really not. You're feeling sick to your stomach and less attracted and worried/jealous/curious/mistrustful. If I had a horrible case of the flu, I couldn't very well say, "I feel great except for this horrible flu!" Link to comment
Bella20 Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 i gave his ass another chance... I don't know if I did the right thing.... but everything seems so great in our relationship (except for this).... could this just be a one time mistake and would never happen again? I don't know.... Will you be able to trust him again? Link to comment
arcadefire Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 I feel so so sorry for you. I was in your shoes not too long ago. How you are feeling right now I felt the same exact way. To summarize, I also found out my now ex-bf was cheating one me. I also found out through chat logs. Daily. Sometimes more than once a day. With his ex-gf. Except when confronted, he told me they were also physically having sex. I felt disgusted, so hurt, and I felt as if the entire relationship was all a lie. If he was easily and so readily doing it with an ex-gf, how can he give his entire heart to me? How can someone who claims care and love you do that to you? It was the most disrespectful thing I could have ever read in my entire life. I too want to erase those chat logs from my memory. What you are saying about having a third person, you KNOW a relationship CANNOT work with three people. It's you and me, that's it. If his mind and heart is with someone else, then he is utterly disrespecting you for stringing you along with his games. In my situation, it only took one sleepless night for me to make a decision. In my mind, I could not love a cheater. It would take a lot of effort on my part to forgive what he has done. And to trust him with my heart again. It's not worth the fight. Cheaters KNOW what they are doing to you. They feel no guilt and no remorse - until caught. Dump his sorry ass and let him know what a good thing he has lost. I know my ex has. Begging and flowers... I'm moving on. I hope you find the strength in you to do the same for yourself and for your emotional well being. Link to comment
Bella20 Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 Cheaters KNOW what they are doing to you. They feel no guilt and no remorse - until caught. Dump his sorry ass and let him know what a good thing he has lost. I know my ex has. Begging and flowers... I'm moving on. I hope you find the strength in you to do the same for yourself and for your emotional well being. Well said..... Link to comment
jeaniet212 Posted July 30, 2009 Author Share Posted July 30, 2009 Will you be able to trust him again? I don't know, maybe after a long while.... Link to comment
jeaniet212 Posted July 30, 2009 Author Share Posted July 30, 2009 Cheaters KNOW what they are doing to you. They feel no guilt and no remorse - until caught. Dump his sorry ass and let him know what a good thing he has lost. I know my ex has. Begging and flowers... I'm moving on. I hope you find the strength in you to do the same for yourself and for your emotional well being. I agreed with what you said. Unfortunately, at this point, I am so blind, and I don't have the strength to cut it off... I want to give him just one more chance... ONLY this ONCE. I, too, cannot give my heart out to a cheater. Once, could be a mistake that he was stupid and wasn't thinking. But if there's a 2nd time, there will be a 3rd, 4th, etc..... I hope he really means what he said and NEVER do something like this again. I felt so sick and disgusted as I read the log. Makes me wonder, maybe she's beautiful and couldn't resist. Good thing she's from a different state, so I know at least he's not cheating on me physically with her too... It hurts so bad to know that someone you trusted so much ... just lied... and it's a pretty big one too. He got a little upset that I went through his log saying that I didn't trust him in the first place - that's why I did it. But honestly, I did it to confirm myself. But unfortunately I saw what I wasn't suppose to see. he said he'd be honest with me if I ask, I still think it's BS. He would NEVER tell me about this. I don't know. I really want to make this work between us, but part of me is so worry... Link to comment
arcadefire Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 I agreed with what you said. Unfortunately, at this point, I am so blind, and I don't have the strength to cut it off... You do have the strength. Think about it this way: you try to forgive him, but in the process you cannot ever forget about what he's done to you. It will take more work on your part to keep the relationship going, and he's got to show that he's willing to sacrifice A LOT of privacy to show that he cares. Otherwise, what are you going to do? Check up on his emails everyday? Figure out he's using another email? It's not worth your precious time. I want to give him just one more chance... ONLY this ONCE. I, too, cannot give my heart out to a cheater. Once, could be a mistake that he was stupid and wasn't thinking. But if there's a 2nd time, there will be a 3rd, 4th, etc..... I hope he really means what he said and NEVER do something like this again. I felt so sick and disgusted as I read the log. Makes me wonder, maybe she's beautiful and couldn't resist. Good thing she's from a different state, so I know at least he's not cheating on me physically with her too... It hurts so bad to know that someone you trusted so much ... just lied... and it's a pretty big one too. This isn't a one time, whoops, I got totally wasted and kissed a girl at a bar. No, he KNEW what he was doing, and he never ever felt one bit guilty of what he has been doing behind your back. Does a man like this deserve a second chance? Of lying to you in your face everyday? The sick feeling will never go away if you're constantly reminded of what he did to you by seeing him or talking to him. He would NEVER tell me about this. I don't know. I really want to make this work between us, but part of me is so worry... You are right. He would have never told you had you not found out yourself. What does that say about him? He's a cowardly piece of bs. Go find yourself a someone who will never treat you this way. Don't look back. Link to comment
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