three months and I'm hurting again...any advice?

[TheRock]

Hi.

Can anyone help me with some advice? About three months ago my girlfriend broke up with me after a big argument on New Year's Eve. I had a tough time for the first month and a half, and then it seemed like I was getting stronger day by day. We contacted each other twice in the week following the breakup, but have not contacted each other since. Even though it has been three months now, I have been hurting worse again over the past two weeks. It is making me depressed, and I wrestle with my emotions and it seems like everything else in my life. I am having a really hard time being happy. I also used to be deciscive and now I find myself questioning all my decisions. I am 34 and can't believe I am feeling this pain at this age.

To give you a little background-I fell head over heals for this girl and she was crazy for me for most of the relationship. I just don't know when her feelings changed. We went out for 16 months and talked of marriage. I was actually shopping for rings in the last two months. We were arguing fairly often in the last two to three months and they were getting more hurtful, but I still thought it was growing pains and we would get through this phase. In fact, we even went to counseling once together to try and improve the relationship because we were thinking of getting married. She broke up with me two weeks after going to counseling. I know we had a big fight, but how does this happen? She talked about marriage too in counseling.

Anyway, my questions are how long does it take to get over this pain?

Do you think it is definitely over? This is the only girl I ever came close to marrying in my life, so it hurts a lot.

I have decided not to contact her, but it is not easy. She is the one who broke up with me.

But, I am having a hard time letting go of the only girl that I ever envisioned building a life with and having children with. It used to be so great. Now it is gone!

Thanks for your help.

[tiger_lilies]

From doing some general research on how long it takes to get over someone, apparently it takes about one year if your relationship lasted longer than one year. But of course, it's different for everyone.

 

You'll have good days/weeks and bad day/weeks. Try to make sure that you are not mixing up your emotions of missing her or just feeling lonely. I'm going through the same thing. Only I'm 2.5 weeks into the no contact thing. Not very long, I know, but it's been the longest 2.5 weeks of my life. You're already at 3 months! What I wouldn't give to fast forward time so that I can start feeling like my old self again, before the 3 year relationship!

 

It'll be okay, keep yourself busy. You will find love again.

[lisaria]

Hey Rock, time is irrelevant when it comes to matters of the heart and age certainly doesn't play into it. I'm 41 and still had my heart broken, still thinking about the SOB every day. Altho to be perfectly honest I'm a little tired of it. Wondering about him all the time, screw that. I get so angry at myself for still caring for a lying, cheating dog. I got sidetracked. Sorry.

This stuff comes in waves. One day or even one week you can be on top of the world and feeling so very strong and so over them. YES!!! I live for those days. Then something will remind you of them and it's like someone turned out the sun. Nothing but darkness and feeling so alone and down. Nothing will ever be right again. How could I have changed things? Why won't they call? Will we ever see each other again? Why?Why?Why? You doubt everything about yourself, about your life and you would give your right arm to have them with you. It's ok. It will get better. You are proof of that. Think about it. You were fine for three months. Something happened that triggered this wave to bottom out on you. No one knows how long these things last, it's different for everbody. Are there other things in your life that are not going as you hoped right now? Try to concentrate on yourself. When someone dumps you your self esteem goes to hell and you question everything about yourself. Work on getting that back. Exercise. Go to the gym, be around people. Force yourself. Call your friends and go out with them. Get busy. You will get through this rough period and you will be a better person for it, ready for the next person to enter your life. I don't think I would call her since she left you and has not tried to contact you since that first week. That is probably the hardest part of all of this. Everyday I think about contacting my ex or just calling to hear his voice on his answering machine. But I will not do it and I don't think you should either. It would simply hurt too much when they ignore you or they don't respond as you want them to. Too much heartache in the past. Think about the future. This is a great place to rant and rave if you have to. Pour your heart out here, not to her. We've all been there and some of us are still going through it. Stay strong and it will get better. You'll get through this and be better for it. I know it's hard to see that now, but you will.

Lisa

[TheRock]

Thanks for the replies Lisa, Tiger lilies, and Sheyda.

Yes, there are a few things in my life that are changing. Work is a little stressful due to some management changes and some turnover. But the biggest thing is that in February, I decided to go ahead and buy my own place. The ex and I had also done a little house hunting before we broke up and I decided to try on my own. Ughhh! All it did was remind me of her and stress me out tremendously. After bidding on three different places and then backing out of them, I decided to put it on hold for some time.

 

As for the fighting, it became about communication styles really because the topics varied towards the end. Some were about big issues and some were about little things that did not matter. Our personalities were classic. I was the more confrontational and she was the one who avoided issues. I tried developing different ways to bridge the gaps, but after a while I began to feel like I was the only one trying and it resulted in me criticising her too much. She told me I was too critical when she broke up with me. I look back on some of my mistakes and I admit to making them, but I also admitted to them when we were going out. I wanted to work on them together, but she seemed like she put up a lot of walls as the relationship progressed and would not admit mistakes too readily.

It is hard to describe a relationship in detail on a post, so I realize I cannot paint a vivid picture here. But I will say that we both had some difficult times growing up that resulted in the both of us being a little controlling. I am at a point in my life where I want to work on these issues. I thought she was too, but I misjudged the situation. That is what gets me. Not fully understanding what she was feeling. I wish she told me before it got too late.

Well, thanks again for the kind words. I do believe I will find love again. I did not lose that. I am trying to find myself again, and I have faith I will.

I am sure that you guys will as well. Kind hearts always do. Thanks for the words of encouragement. They are very much appreciated!

[princesa]

Hi there,

 

just could not but answer this post! Especially Lisa's answer to Rock gave me comfort as well.

We've ALL been there, we probably still are! I am in my 3rd week, and I have to say that sometimes I feel soooo strong and so much "better" ("Yes, I CAN and WILL do without you"). It's so true that it's like a rollercoaster, you have better and worse days. For worse days I've saved this webste in my favourites...like Lisa says, we've got to pour our hearts out here, not to them. It would hurt even more, we should at least not give them this pathetic "can't survive without calling you" . In fact, it helps me to think that at least he's right now (if at all thinking about me) wondering why I am NOT calling and begging him back. Imagine you contacted her/him and the person would just think "oh my god how pathetic and desperate".

My ex called me about a week ago, after 2 weeks of no contact, because he said he felt "a need to call me" - it hurt even more after the call, because he had nothing new to say anyways. He was probably just shocked and called himself because I wasn't begging him back. Really, no contact-rule hurts like hell, but it helps, and if they're eventually to come back, it should be because they feel the lack of us, not because we've begged them back.

Anyways...I just wanted to say that today is a really shitty day for me, it's Easter, I live in a foreign country on my own, my friends are away, everybody's with their beloved ones, I'm completely on my own; I feel like crying and calling him. But I know today's a bad day, have to survive this and tomorrow (another bank holiday), on Tuesday I can go to do some sport, meet friends,keep busy...whatever. We're playing time here. I hate actually meeting people now that I'm not up to it, really, but it truly helps. Don't be on your own too much, just believe like you said that soon it will be better.

 

And never, ever stop believing that you're worth to be loved more than this. We'llfall in love again. Ok, we may get heart broken again, too,...but at least we will survive this.

 

Thanks for being there everybody on this site just for these days...

 

Princesa

[lisaria]

hey people, I just wanted to let you know, princesa that you aren't the only one alone today. I hate the holidays. Absolutely dread them. Keep your chin up and remember that it's not going to last. I'm glad we have this forum, it keeps my sanity on days like today. Stay strong and we will survive and thrive, they can't stay on our minds forever.

[TheRock]

Happy Easter to those of you feeling a little blue today (and to everyone else too). If it helps, remember you are not alone although it feels that way. Remember the good things that are going for you right now and be thankful. Try not to focus on what you don't have. It will help, I'm sure about that.