rich 1517 - im changing for the better, advice please

[rich_1517]

Ok so if you dont know the story ill tell it in brief. the uspshot here is "am i being taken for granted and truned into a friend? or is she coming around?"

 

3 years together, best friends - first year lots of pasison and fun and and. you would think we would be married. she asks me to move in. i say too soon. she shuts down sexually over time. less interest. my business fails money becomes horrible. but still we have a good time. but i get frustrated about sex. just before she leaves she asks me to move in again. i say no, this time becuase i am ashamed of my financial situation.

 

ok so she leaves saying she needs time to decide if we are friends or more.

 

its now two and half almost three months later, and a week hasnt gone by where dont have contact of some sort. i did no contact with her until she came back with her answer: "lets go on some dates and see, you have changed so much, but the cards are stacked against you, i see you more as a friend"

 

and i have changed: gotten stable job, lost weight, getting out more, doing cheap things (big win there), trying to quit smoking (her number one), being more accepting and appreciative.

 

during this time neither of us has dated. we have played very fair and with integrity for the most part, absolutely no nastiness. She hates confrontation which may be what this is all about.

 

it may also be she is watching to see if the changes are for real.

 

there has been no physical contact period in three months. that might be caution or game of "friends".

 

i went to her sons play saturday, and when i left i got a peck on the cheek and a "thanks for coming." this had included dinner with the 3 of us (about five hours total) thanks for coming?

 

i have told her (when she suggested dates) that if she takes me for granted and tries to turn me into a friend she may lose me as friend becuase of the disregard for my feelings.

 

i am now doing a pull away and no longer suggesting dates. i am waiting for her to.

 

so she calls for lunch today, i say well i can do short coffee. for the first time she seems confused some. i am not stroking or showing a lot of attention like other times, im intentionally witholding, being nice, but not overly, and not suggesting anything.

 

i am now coming up on a key weekend. there has been enough contact that a real date on a weekend night chosen by her would be a fairly clear step over the line for her (or not). but she may be making contact now to make sure she isnt pinned down this weekend (i know, its my fears). I am building plans for not to be safe.

 

during coffee today she asked about another ex i have restablished contact with. this is an ex (married now) who i have a very strong bond with. a friend of hers asked if i thought she (the ex) and i could be friends like that. that bothered me, hopeful? or jealous?

 

she is not expressive, but me distancing might just pull her in. hey, i hate the game but respect has to be restored, i put my heart on the line. told her i would marry and she is treating me like a really good buddy.

 

she has reasons to doubt, she had said during the break "will the changes last beyond things going back to normal?" it was not a direct question, it was about changes in general.

 

So thats the big question here: is she playing at keeping me as a buddy while she figures out what next? or is there something here? i know thats a tough quesiton.

 

so i went into this week planing to pull away some and she is already calling. should i normalise things by calling her to say hi? or just let her sit for some time wondering if i am doing other things now?

 

bear in mind i am reaching my limit on this, i am getting ready to let go. which is a good place to work from either way.

[redsuede]

You know what it sounds like to me is that she is keeping you on a string "just in case" People are capable of very cruel things. The thing you need to focus on is how do you feel around her? Are you confused, do you feel scattered? Does your gut really want to be with her, or do you find yourself saying you are done? Listen to yourself. Only focus on what you feel you need and not what she needs or is going to think by your actions. She has a hold on you and you need to regain yourself back..NC is the best thing to do while you get your head in order. She has clearly stated that she views you as a friend, and even though that hurts, take pride in knowing you dont deserve to be jerked around. Find yourself first, then find the one who will stick around forever.