A phone call to the ex

[SLBG]

Hi guys,

 

Well if you no my story then I could really do with some advice.

 

Ok, so my ex calls me tonight and we have a long chat. We start off just talking about what we have been up, and general chitchat.

 

Well near the end of the call (1 hour long) things started to go down hill, she started to open up to me but started to get angry.

 

We ended up talking about the relationship, but not directly. It was strange, she started to mention how I had ignored her in the past and hadn't listened to her all the time.

 

She was upset that I was always on my computer, she said that she didn't feel important to me. I said that I was sorry and that I didn't use my computer as often now, she replies: so if your not on your computer what are you doing with all your time.

 

I tried to explain to her that I had cut my computer use, not just because I knew that it had made us drift apart but also because I knew that there was more to life than my computer.

 

She then started explaining to me what people do when they really love some one. She told me that if you really love somebody you call them, and email them and spend time with them (I already no this im thinking). She also asks me why I couldn't of changed before and said why did I have to leave it until it was too late?

 

So I asked her if that was how she felt, totally in love with me. She didn't give me and answer and changed the subject ????

 

Well I told her that I was sorry for ignoring her in the past and that I have to live with my mistakes, I tried to explain to her that things had changed, I had changed but all she did was tell me to stop speaking about the relationship, she said she knew I was gonna bring things up and that she didn't want to talk about things.

 

It all happened so fast, one minute we was fine the next we was kinda arguing. We weren't shouting at each other but she had got the wrong idea about what I was saying.

 

I'm so confused, she mentioned the relationship, then when she didn't want to listen she told me to stop talking about it ?????

 

During the call she really opened up to me, I knew that she had been missing me and that she was kinda thinking about our past.

 

I really don't know any more ppl, I thought it was a good idea to talk on the phone, she sounds so confused and I picked up on things she was saying.

 

Its not like she wants to come back, but I think that she might be more open to the idea now. She said that when I didn't contact her for 3 weeks she thought I was being moody with her.

I asked if she would of contacted me and she said she wouldn't of as she was waiting for me to email her.

 

Plz help me get my head round all this, I'm really confused. Is she playing games, has she decided its over for good ?

 

HELP, I think that I have done more harm than good. All ive done is reaffirm in her mind that I havent changed.

 

She use to say that I didnt let her speak, and guess what, she said it 2nite on the phone....... I was letting her talk but was trying to set the record straight.

 

Whats my next move ??

[neallo82288]

Well, it would seem that you took her out of her comfort zone. When she wanted to stop talking about the relationship you should have stopped. Now, you have learned an important thing here and that is you need to keep them in the comfort zone, because once they leave the comfort zone they tend to panic. She paniced and that is why the conversation got so emotional and upsetting. You sound like you know what you are doing, but she is misunderstanding you intentions and that is what confuses you about her. Just relax man and take a deep breathe. She will come around (maybe), but are you truly ready for her to come to you? You still have alot of emotion left. What you need to do is let her control all contacts at this point. If she wants to talk about the past then talk about the past, but when it is time to change the subject you need to let her change the subject. It would appear to me that she is ready for you two to start to talk again, but you need to let her control these converstations even though you are at a point where you can call her, I would just let time and days pass between my contacts to her. You are doing fine with everything you have done so far, but you did take her out of her comfort zone and now things are a little awkward for her. Just let some time fly before you contact her again and appologize to her for making her feel uncomfortable. Then catch up on what has been going on for her and you and keep the conversations short and sweet. Never let her see you sweat again. Just let the things she wants to talk about be the topic of conversations. Keep your opinions about the relationship to your self. After all that relationship is over and you are trying to start a new one with this person. If you were talking to someone else and you wanted to start a relaionship with them woul;d you talk about your past relationship? Well, why must you do that here? Just remember there will be a time when the two of you feel comfortable enough to talk about the past, but right now is not that time. Just remain calm and let her control the conversations. Keep all contacts to under eight minutes, so you will not have the tendacy to take her out of her comfort zone.

 

Neallo

[aha]

Hey SLBG,

 

 

I'm not sure what your next move is. Yesterday I had contact with my ex and I KNOW I did more harm than good. The more I think about the no contact rule, the more I like it.

 

I will probably never have a chance with my ex after yesterday, but, I do know deep down in my heart that I tried EVERYTHING to salvage what we had.

 

The only thing I can say is, lok at it as a positive. Maybe contact her next week when things cool off.