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No Sex 4 Me


foxie

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Im currently in a really bizarre relationship. From his stats he seems like the perfect guy. He is an archaeologist, he lives in Hawai'i, he is a surfer, he is very manly...yet sensitive, a hard worker, and I find him attractive. The problem I have in this relationship is quite huge, however. He is very un-affectionate, unromantic, has no sex drive, a horrible temper, and I don't trust him.

 

Honestly, I frequently think to myself that he doesn't really like me...at least not like a girlfriend. I think he knows that I really like him and that I am really nice and so he feels sorry for me and he himself is lonely and so he keeps me around.

 

Supposedly he doesn't really like to kiss or make-out, foreplay is extremely rare, and even though we have been together just under 6 months we have sex only once or twice a week. Sometimes when I go to kiss him he turns his cheek...sometimes he pushes me away. Frequently he tells me no to sex or freaks out if I try to initiate it. In fact, I think tonight he was * * * * ing with me. He said he wanted to go to bed so I went with him. He said he wanted to read in bed so I read with him. I got tired of my book and closed it and turned towards him waiting for him to be done. Well, I dozed off. Shortly after, he gets up and comes on out to the living room. When I wake up my mind starts racing and I can't sleep so I get up and go outside to smoke. The second I go outside he goes into bed. Im nearly positive he was just trying to avoid me awake in bed so that I didn't try to have sex with him. This makes me feel really hurt, sad, and repulsive. Maybe Im reading into it too much. I dunno. He says the reason he acts this way is because of medicine he is on. The problem is he very rarely...if ever...takes that medicine. I think it has been out of his system for a few months now. He says he used to have a high sex drive, but it has just magically disappeared. I dont understand that. I know for a fact his sex drive has existed in the past. I don't understand how it could have magically disappeared other than maybe he just isn't that attracted to me.

 

One thing that really confuses me is that he looks at porn occasionally. Don't get me wrong...its not all the time or even every day...but I think it is at least weekly. Why would someone uninterested in sex look at porn? The more and more I think about it...it just has to be ME. One time when my boob came out he said ew! Sometimes when we make out afterward he says ew! and he always wipes his mouth. Frequently our kisses are awkward. Just the other day he literally had sex with me, and then got up and left me. It made me feel like I was a receptical or something.

 

Whats even worse than not getting sex as often as I would like (and Im not even a huge sex fiend) is that it is now a huge source of anxiety for me. I am now completely intimidated to initiate anything or even touch him for fear of embarrassment and rejection. Sometimes I want to kiss him or * * * * him or any number of things so bad that I feel like I may implode, and I know that if I make the move to get what I want there is a higher chance than not that I will be rejected and the disappointment can be completely overwhelming. It feels to me so rude and selfish when he acts like this, yet he tells me that it is selfish of me to expect him to just drop his pants whenever I get a whim (at MOST once a day). I really truly think he is being rude and unreasonable, but every time I push the subject it causes a huge fight...and he has a HORRIBLE temper. This leads me to believe maybe he was abused in the past or maybe there is some mental or physical reason why sex doesn't appeal to him, and he is too embarrassed to tell me. I don't understand why else it would make him so upset. When he gets angry he yells, punches objects, runs away from me, absolutely refuses any sort of physical contact for at least 24 hours after the fight is resolved, and frequently calls me names...most recently Stupid * * * * ing * * * * .

 

Now, if this sex thing isn't enough I don't trust him. I have caught him in many lies. Small lies like when we first starting talking he told me that he was scuba certified and I later found out that was not at all true. Bigger lies like him telling me that he had told his friends and family all about me right before we moved in together just to find out that even after 6 months of dating his mom still doesn't know about me (even though I bought and shipped her birthday present). He lied to me one time about a voicemail he had. He told me he didn't want to tell me who it was because he didn't want to cause suspicion / drama when it was nothing, yet the fact that I caught him in a lie caused more suspicion / drama than telling me who it was in the first place ever would have. For some reason he checks the craigslist personal ads...although Im fairly confident he does not write to them. Before we moved in together, we were geographically separated for a period of 45 days. During this time period, I have 0 doubt in my mind that he ALMOST went out on a date with a girl. I like to believe that he was completely true to me the entire time he was away, and that almost cheating does not constitute cheating and that there is not more to the story than what I already know, but I always have this huge doubt. A final reason I don't trust him is that he is still single on his myspace page. Its weird. On his facebook we are listed as a couple, but on his myspace (where I know at least 2 of his exes reside) he is still single. He says he never goes there or changes anything, blah blah, buuuut I do find it suspicious and he knows it bothers me so I don't see why he doesn't just change it.

 

So, after these 2 VERY huge things...I get that SEX and TRUST are HUGE parts of a relationship...I ask myself why I stay with him. The fact of the matter is that I am addicted to him. Like a bad drug. When sex isn't involved we have a TON of fun together (which, of course, makes me want the sex even more). We laugh a lot, cuddle a lot, and have many of the same interests from tv shows to books to wonderlust to discussion topics and political and world views. He is slightly more liberal than me, but Im liberal enough that it doesn't really matter. He is good looking, he is intelligent, he is funny, he intrigues and entertains me.

 

I also worry if he would be okay if I left. He doesn't have any real close friends here, and although he says he enjoys his time alone it is obvious that he craves attention and to be loved and adored...which I think I do quite well, thank you.

 

I. DONT. KNOW. WHAT. TO. DO.

 

Recently I have thought of asking him to go to counseling regarding our sex issue. I feel like we both need an outsiders perspective. I know anyone Ive told about the issue has thought it was extremely bizarre and that they couldn't live like that, but I have to keep in mind perhaps they are biased towards me or that my telling of the story could bias someone. Also, I have to wonder / worry about a relationship that is only 6 months old and already needs counseling. It just doesn't seem like relationships, particularly young ones, should be this hard to work at. For some reason I do want to work at it though. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with this man. I can see us having some fun and amazing adventures, possibly producing an offspring, and loving and supporting each other clear until we are old and wrinkly and whither away into nothing. I know I can't live the rest of my life with this sex issue though and I can't handle the anxiety of not trusting him...so I MUST find a solution.

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Really? You could see yourself spending the rest of your life with a man you describe as "un-affectionate, unromantic, has no sex drive, a horrible temper, and I don't trust him"??

 

He lies, he calls you names when he's angry, you're sexually incompatible, and he makes you feel like crap.

 

Does this sound like a recipe for anything but disaster to you?

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Umm. If you guys already have this much issues, I don't see much of a future for both of you. Especially if it's a relationship that is about 6 months. Honey moon period is over, all the real issues are surfacing above, be aware. End it before you end up in more pain, or embarrassment.

He seemed to have lost interest b/c like I said, the honey moon period is over.

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Your ex sounds kinda like one of my ex bfs, except for the horrible temper and a couple other things. He also hated foreplay and kissing and all of that. Sex just seemed like a way for him to please himself....I was just there to help him along. I remember quite vividly that he would have his way and then right after get up and go watch tv and ignore me. Once I tried to kiss him and he pulled away in disgust. Being with him was one of the most painful and lonely experiences of my life. I think to save your sanity and your self esteem, you should really get away from this guy before he does some serious damage to you. You shouldn't have to put up with that bullcrap. Is there a way you can move out and be on your own? Are you dependent on him right now? If you're not, I would say move out as soon as possible.

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I know. When I read this and really think about it...the answer seems so obvious...but Im seriously addicted to him. It really is like a bad drug that I know is no good for me, and I can't figure out what to do.

 

What Id really like is for him to admit that Im not his dream girl and let me go. I don't understand why he is with me or holding on.

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I don't mean to keep replying to myself, but does anyone have a suggestion for a conversation starter with my boyfriend where we can have a nice simple discussion about all these issues and if we should even be together without making him mad?

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From the sound of his temper, I doubt there's any way to avoid making him mad. It sounds like you actually want to go but you don't want to be the "bad guy" who initiates the breakup. Is that because you're afraid of him becoming angry & violent?

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