The Waiting Game

[taytay]

Me and my girlfriend just broke up after 3 months of a wonderful relationship. What I don't get is that the reason if the break-up was that she started having feelings for my good friend (they went out for 2 years). I really want her back and it's only been 1 day since we broke up. Right now she's st school so I have plenty of time to think because I'm suspended because i got into a fight because some kid was making fun of her. SUM1 PLZ HELP ME!

[kipster]

Anyway... as to the discussion of timeline. I agree, there can't be any set rules. The couple I knew who just split and got back together took 4 months to work on things again. She left him... convinced that she didn't love him... but then realized that she was unhappy period, and that it must not have been b/c of him. She felt this after 2 months, but still took another 2 months of sitting with it in silence before she acted on it.

 

 

Ohhhhhh..So dead on S&D. Its amazing how time apart shows people that in many instances it wasn't the other person that was causing your unhappiness at all, it was you own self-doubt, low self-esteem, or fixation with your negative feelings that was at the root of your problem! Alot of my friends have lost the girl of their dreams (or so they thought) because that girl said all the break up buzzwords "I need space", "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you", "I'm not growing in the relationship", "I need to be LIBERATED", etc. But in many of these cases, with these male friends that I know, the woman has come back after time apart (generally anywhere from 3-6 months, some years) to say that it was a mistake. In these cases they allowed their own unhappiness with themselves to cloud their judgment and to use the partner as the scapegoat for their negative feelings. IMHO, it should be up to you to make yourself happy first--I mean isn't that what the No Contact rule is premised on anyways?--not your partner. Sure, your partner shouldn't make you miserable, but its much easier to be happy with him/her when you are confident and happy with who you are. Just my 2 cents, but I like your anecdotal evidence above S&D as a testament to what I've stated herein.

 

As for DaisyB.... I dunno. I still think that she should allow this guy to worry about his future without her. If he isn't made to see that as a legit risk (and it IS IF HE CAN'T COMMITT), then I see this situation dragging out a long time.

 

I'm not saying cut all contact forever Daisy... but you could give it a week or two and it might really help.

 

Exactly, S&D. He must have time to consider life without you. I know it hurts to do it, I'm doing it know. But you must realize several things anyway daisy. First, you do not NEED him to be happy. That should come from within. I mean what where you doing before you met him? Were you happy then? I'd venture to guess yes. Secondarily, once you realize that you desire him and don't NEED him than it should make the time apart easier as well as your interactions with him. Always appear confident and not needy. And let him be the one to do the calling. The more you call, the less time he has to ponder his future and the more you PUSH him away. Remember, use your head on this one! Using your heart the first time got you two apart. Let your head guide you to getting you two back together!

[Stingseed]

I must agree . My ex popped me the question if I would like to take her back I responded yes honestly here is important. But If I go back and start calling her more now than I have in the past 2 months of minimal contact then all I will end up doing is pushing her away again. I am finding this out now reason being is that 2 days after she asked the direct question I had my phone off. She left me a message I did not return call till 2 days after that maybe a mistake maybe not but I started to call about every 2 days and what did it get me absolutely nothing she never picked up except for once. Now I asked myself perhaps she made a move on the fling and let him go thereforeeee needing transition time for herself, but no certainty in that. The point her is that I made the mistake and dropped my guard calling her every 2 days but what I should have done was let her keep calling me to prove to me that her question was genuine as for now I dont know if it is cause of my mistake..

[kipster]

 

 

Exactly Stingseed, now your using your head. Just look at her behavior, not what he/she says and that will tell you what you need to know. Behavior doesn't lie, whereas words can. In your case, you gave her space and time to really debate her decision and withing 2 months (I'm guessing you initially had a long term relationship so two months is probably a fraction of the time of total investment) not only showed her that you respected her space and trusted her during the separation, but also that you weren't jealous, clingy, or needy as well. Now in essense, she SEES the change as opposed to HEARING IT which even in my own situation women get tired of after a while.

 

Just look at your calling behavior and see where it got you? When you called her on a regular schedule she PULLED BACK. However, when you pulled back, she was the one calling and telling you SHE WANTED to come back. So I say stick to what works and play this game with your head. I have no doubt she's coming back, HELL SHE'S ALREADY TOLD YOU SO, but more importantly SHE'S SHOWED BEHAVIOR CONSISTENT WITH THOSE WORDS. Plus, the time apart with no contact has made you strong enough to know that you DON'T NEED TO BE WITH HER to be happy, but instead you PREFER TO BE WITH HER. The former puts your heart in a vulnerable position, the later protects it. Keep up the minimal contact strategy on a RANDOM schedule keeping the conversation short, sincere, with compliments (on her voice, etc.), and in a soothing tone. She'll be back, but even better, she'll be back because SHE HAS CHOSEN TO BE, not due to your pressure, but because she's genuine interested in coming back. That's what builds that strong bond over-time. But don't explain to her what you're doing and MOST IMPORTANTLY, don't get her back and revert to your old self. You must continue so that there remains a chase.

 

On a side note, I was just thinking about my male friends a bit and how almost all of them who Begged, Pleaded, and tried to coax their EX into getting back together ALWAYS failed. Indeed, it wasn't until many of those guys PULLED BACK by dating others, not calling, understanding that they didn't need them to survive, that their EX's came back in almost ALL OF THOSE CASES. Many times, it was once those guys got another woman that the EX had the proverbial 'CHANGE OF HEART'. And in almost all of those instances the Ex let their negative emotions get the best of them and lose some damn good men that didn't cheat. But their Ex's over time became bored to death or fearful that since they were unhappy they'd make their man unhappy. The funny part is that it was these guys, that overtime and after healing their hearts, were the ones who in the end were able to decide if they wanted their EX back or not. Like the ultimate power shift. That's why I say, make sure you really desire the person because you will probably get another shot. But it'll be you making the decision of whether you want to be with them this time around.

[Stingseed]

exactly like i advice that I willbe in the position to make a choice not needed her in the end. Now I must also let you guys know that I mentioned to her that actions speak louder than words and thereforeeee letting here know in that one phrase that she must make a move soon.

[ziggystar]

ow I must also let you guys know that I mentioned to her that actions speak louder than words and thereforeeee letting here know in that one phrase that she must make a move soon.

 

but doesn't that apply pressure?

[DaisyB]

Despite all your warnings we've been talking all this week. And it's been really good. Lots of contact (he initiates, mostly) and lots of good conversations.

 

Then tonight, he asked me to come over and spend the night. He didn't quite beg, but almost. . . but I refused. God, that was hard to do. I want so badly to do it. . . but I keep hearing him in my head saying "I'm not in love with you." Even if I could block that out tonight, I'd be hearing it all day long tomorrow. . .

 

Did I do the right thing?

 

I know in my heart I did. I'm just scared about the repercussions. I refused because I didn't feel right about it, not to make him pursue. . . but I still hope that he pursues anyway. Do all guys like to be challenged? Or will it make him lose interest? (Not just tonight -- I sure hope one refusal won't shut him down -- but repeated refusals.) Is his sex drive powerful enough to send him on the road to decision?

 

What do you think, guys?

[ziggystar]

hey daisyb,

 

yes, i think you did the right thing. but what did you say to him or rather how did you turn him down?

 

well, my sex drive is pretty intense, but i just recently realized that it's intense because i mistake it for the emotional intimacy i crave. so if in the near future i get back with my ex to some degree, i know i shouldn't dive right in. it might confuse matters and mask the issues.

 

i wouldn't worry about sending him in the wrong direction, after all, he knows he's lucky that you'd even consider since he's the one who back off the relationship.

[Stingseed]

Daisy. Yes guys like a challenge especially sense he got so close. I agree with ziggy's last post.

 

 

And yes it might apply some pressure ziggy, but on the other hand do you agree that it still applies pressure in a sense that I am still interested in her without asking or telling her?

[ziggystar]

stingseed,

 

i think that one can show interest by just calling to say hello and see how the ex is doing. it's like a friend who calls you to chat. it's obvious by just calling or dropping an email. but i think that when you tell her "actions speak louder then words," it's a bit of scolding, as if you're telling her to prove something to you. and she might just give you an action, you might not want. and in a way, you telling her this is just words also, waiting for some response. it's almost like, "i'm leaving, okay, i'm leaving now, watch me leave. hello. i'm leaving." well, just leave and see if she follows. actions do speak louder then words.

 

besides that, i think applying pressure as a means to the end is manipulative. you wouldn't want her to come back to you under guilt, fear or pressure. you want her to come back on her own volition (happy and willing), it'll be much more secure for both you and her.

[phx]

DaisyB,

 

I just wanted to tell you how helpful it has been to read through your posts. Even though I am only at the beginning of the break-up stage, reading your words has been very helpful. I think our situations are very alike. We both have had long term relationships with men, who are fearful of commitment. An unfortunately, they can't see how great the relationships were. If you have a chance, read my story, and give me some advice.

 

link removed

 

At this point, I'm just keeping true to the no contact rule. It is so hard, and I have to constantly remind myself that I am not contacting him, because it will probably make things better in the end. But I have to say, that my heart feels much different.

 

It sounds like you are handling your situation very well and I hope I have as much strength as you do.

[DaisyB]

ziggystar -- I told him I wanted to see him very badly, but more than that, I wanted things to be right between us, and I couldn't come over knowing that things weren't right. He said he definitely understood -- he wanted to see me, but he didn't want to pressure me, didn't want me to come if it made me feel weird, etc.

 

I think he really does understand where I'm coming from, and that makes it easier. He's written me twice today (including before work this morning) just to say hi, and ask if I slept okay.

 

It's not that I truly believe he's not in love with me -- I suspect that he is -- but the fact that he says he isn't is still an issue. He's been showing me that he loves me and wants me, but he still isn't saying it. For him, I think saying he's in love with me, getting back together, and getting married are all the same thing, and he's still scared of all of that.

[ziggystar]

daisy b,

 

It's not that I truly believe he's not in love with me -- I suspect that he is -- but the fact that he says he isn't is still an issue. He's been showing me that he loves me and wants me, but he still isn't saying it. For him, I think saying he's in love with me, getting back together, and getting married are all the same thing, and he's still scared of all of that.

 

i think you hit the nail on the head. that being said, it'll take some time. but i think the summer opportunity he has will provide the distance that both of you need to let things happen. so in between now and then, go enjoy yourself.

[DaisyB]

I had a really good night tonight. I think it's going to be a good weekend.

 

My ex is out of town for the weekend, but we talked on the phone for a while yesterday night. At the end of the conversation, he said, "I wanted to tell you thank you for not coming over last night. I knew it was the wrong thing to do, but I wanted you so badly. . . thank you so much for being strong."

 

Well, that wasn't quite the reaction I was expecting. I was sort of hoping that he'd keep begging me to come over. But instead, he seemed truly grateful -- and a little bit impressed -- that I hadn't come.

 

It got me to thinking -- he's often had to be the "strong one" in our relationship. Maybe that strength should have been more evenly distributed? I am a strong person, but while I was dating him, I think I started to rely more and more on his strength instead of my own.

 

That isn't really what I was going for by not coming over -- in fact, I didn't even realize it might have been a problem in our relationship until today -- but it's a very interesting outcome. I'm going to mull over it this weekend. . .

[DaisyB]

He called me this morning from out-of-town -- very surprising. First time he's done that since we broke up.

 

Tonight was strange, though. . . I went to a party with some people from work who I don't know very well. . . this is the first time I've ever really socialized with them outside of work. I started a new job this year, and only met them after my ex and I broke up, so they don't know him at all. It felt very strange to be there, single, mingling with people who ONLY know me as a single woman. Worse, I'm not entirely sure I like these people (it may be too early to tell). Worse still, as I was leaving, the host told me that she wanted to set me up with one of the them: "He's perfect for you, just broke up five months ago with a girl he dated for two years." (I told her no thanks, and that I'd let her know if I became interested.)

 

Ugh. I don't get it -- it should have been a good night, but instead I just feel lonely and empty at the end of it. I don't feel bad about the way things are going with my ex (things seem to be "progressing". . . maybe), but some nights I just really miss having him by my side.

[ziggystar]

hey daisy b,

 

i know how you feel. it's tough, but we'll be better people by weathering the storm. i went to a wedding just last week by myself (no date). it should have joyous and it was, but i felt like crap. the couple met the same way i met my ex, and now they're married and have a child on the way. it's only been 1.5 years since they met. i kept feeling like i will never be able to have those things myself, but that was my self critical mind talking to me. i think we have to learn to give more positive regard to ourselves. to know that we will make it.

 

you're enotalone.

[shockeddismayed]

DiasyB,

 

You are making big steps!

 

I think you need to give yourself a little more credit. Remember that when you go out, it isn't about being with or finding a life's partner.... it's only about sharing a bit of yourself with other people.

 

It needn't matter if these people don't end up your best pals. It is enough simply to meet them... understand a bit about them, and be comfortable enough to share a bit of yourself. Obviously the host thinks of you highly enough to try and set you up. Focus on that positive exchange... not the end result (ie whether you were interested in the date or not).

 

Remember, you are allowed to miss him. But also try and look back at the positives that came from going out independently. As you said, you are gaining strength through all of this.

 

I hope you've been finding ways to enjoy the rest of your weekend.

 

S&D

[DaisyB]

About that time for the daily Daisy update.

 

He called yesterday after he got back in town and said that he'd missed me a lot while he was away (strange, since we talked everyday he was gone, but good). He sounded in kind of a funky mood -- said he had invited a friend over to keep him from begging me to come. Also good. But I was in a bit of a funk, too, so I didn't sound very chipper. He asked me if I was okay and I said yes. . . but just okay. It's hard to have daily contact with him (which is what it's become) and still be broken up. We're not "just friends," but we're not lovers either. And at this point I can't really tell which way it's going to go.

 

Don't get me wrong -- I can handle the contact, and I think it's necessary to go through an awkward phase if we're ever going to get back together. I also know some people on here would kill to have daily contact with their exes, so I don't mean to complain. But for those of you who might be getting to this phase of daily contact again, don't expect it to be easy. . . things are not necessarily any clearer right now than they were four months ago. But we're talking, and that's good, and talking about the relationship on a semi-frequent basis, which is also good.

 

A friend took me to this very cool little used bookstore after work today. Lots of fun

[ziggystar]

yes daisyb, i would love to have daily contact with my ex. i know it probably won't be easier, but it would be a marked progression from the couple times a week thing i'm in. keep the faith.

[DaisyB]

keep the faith.

 

You too, ziggystar.

[shockeddismayed]

Daisy... you are a strong, strong woman.

 

I'm with Ziggy... I'm kinda jealous. I'm on the "flurry of contact followed by nothing" routine. This has GOT TO BE THE WORST. I had 5-6 contacts with her the week before last, each one getting closer and closer to reconcilliation (agreeing on relationship issues, agreeing how they might be addressed, reminising about how we fell in love, etc)... then BAMO, no contact from her for 10 days and counting....

 

I keep second guessing the reason why there has been NC.... especially when she warned me that she would continue to contact me. The uncertainty is driving me bonkers.

 

Anyway... a small positive, my EX-EX contacted me to thank me for my E-Birthday Card. The irony is that her B-Day is 3 days before the EX's, so if they are somehow tapped into the same rhythm, I should expect something from the EX by Thursday

 

Anyway... let's all keep positive together! Hope you are both (all, I don't want to be exclusive) enjoying a good night!

[DaisyB]

Hey guys. . .

 

Just wanted to post a little update. I've been out of town for a few days.

 

The ex leaves next week for his 10 week summer position (out of town). We're having dinner sometime this weekend (yikes!) which will be the first time we've seen each other in the light of day in three months. I'm nervous, but ready for it. I've warned him that I will want to do some relationship-talking, and he seems ready for that, too.

 

I'm at a strange place right now. We've been doing this minimal contact thing for a while now, and things are improving (I think), but SLOWLY. I don't think I can keep up this stage for much longer. For that reason, I'm glad that he's going away soon, because otherwise I'm afraid I'd issue an ultimatum.

 

He has already said that he wants to have very little contact while he's gone, to give him time to think about us. I respect that, and I think it's a good thing, but of course it scares me to death. I know there's no guarantee that he'll be any more decisive after 10 weeks, but I do get the sense that he's really going to try.

 

I have no idea what the outcome will be. Many of you have been so optimistic (which is wonderful), but I can see him wanting to stay apart as easily as I can see him wanting to get back together. He's still sending very mixed signals.

 

Coming home last night was especially tough. I came back from the airport, alone, and walked into my empty apartment, alone. . . and really wished he were there waiting for me. I called him to tell him I got in okay, and he wasn't there. (This is a guy who ALWAYS picked me up at the airport, looked forward to me coming home, worried when I traveled alone, etc.) It's happened before, since we broke up, but it hit me really hard last night, for some reason.

 

I've been thinking very seriously about moving and changing jobs next year -- maybe even going back to school. I've secretly promised to wait till next January for my ex to get his act together. . . after that, I don't think I can take this waiting game any longer. And I don't think I'll be able to stay around here without him -- if we don't get back together, I want to do something completely different. A fresh start somewhere that doesn't remind me of him every day. I don't want to just run away from what's hurting me -- I know I'll still hurt, wherever I am -- but maybe starting over will help me to let go a little more. I just don't want to have to do it.

 

I'll keep you posted on dinner plans this week. I hope everyone's doing okay. Take care of yourselves out there.

[DaisyB]

Long relationship talk over IM tonight. . .

 

We've never done that over IM before. It was actually sort of nice -- gave us enough distance to be able to keep talking and not get bogged down in what the other person sounds like/looks like.

 

No new information. He repeated that he wants to use the summer to "seriously try to get over me" (as if he'd been taking a joking attitude up to now?) and see if that makes a difference in how he feels. Nothing new, but hard to hear anyway.

 

When I asked him why he kept contacting me and asking me to come over, he said it was because he missed me. But when I asked him if the missing me told him anything, and he said, "it tells me that you were extraordinarily important and an incredible part of my life, and that tearing myself away from you is like tearing off a part of my body. But it doesn't help me figure out what comes next. It tells me more about the past than the future."

 

What?

 

I pointed out that all he's ever going to do is miss me or not miss me. So if missing me doesn't make him want to get back together, is there anything that will?

 

It just seems so strange to me. . . it's like he's purposely trying to destroy us, to see if we'll break.

 

And you know what? Suddenly, I realized that I have perfect faith that we won't break. Is that what's been giving me strength all this time? I've been scared, of course, but underneath, I think I really have had solid faith in us.

 

His feelings just seem so obvious to me. If he really wanted to get over me, why wouldn't he have done it already? We do live in the same town, but we don't ever have to see each other if we didn't want to. Every single meeting has been initiated by him. He's initated almost every phone call, email, IM. . . now he has to try to force himself to get over me? Doesn't he realize how silly that is?

 

But for some reason he doesn't trust what he's feeling. Incredibly frustrating. . . but less upsetting. So all I can do now is play along -- agree to NC over the summer (although when I agreed to it, he said "well, maybe once a week we could talk, and I might come visit"), and wait. Good grief.

[dallas68]

daisy, i've been following your story for awhile now. And while i'm sorry for this difficult time, I have some questions for you. Why? Why does he get to decide what happens? Why would you wait around for someone to decide if your good enough after all? Why would you even want someone who (after being in a commited relationship with you) is so unsure that they are going to try to get over you?? This is kinda harsh, and i'm sorry for that, but you have to look ahead. Ok, he comes back to you, you guys get comfratable again, maybe marriage, kids, morgage. Daisy, relationships get harder, you said you guys were comfratable before. A nice quiet kind of life, a little less passion but mostly things were good. Look five ten years down the road, when it gets difficult. If he isn't happy now, I would be really worried for you then. What happens when he bails on you then..... I know life isn't this black and white. Your thinking that somehow he is different and your situation is special, but from the outside and only looking at the facts you've presented, this man sounds wishy washy, uncertain, unreliable (emotionaly) and extremely SELFISH. Having said all that, I would like to add one more thing. I would love to read a post from you telling us that you changed the rules a little bit. I would love to see you take the summer and decide a few things. What do you want out of life? What makes you happy? What kind of man is good enough for you? How much time can you afford to waste on one person? From your posts you sound like a really great person, and person that deserves to be with someone who is there for you 100% Things are easy at this stage, if he can't get it together now, whats he gonna be like in the future. He's draining you emotionaly, and life is too short for that. In my expierence, when it's right, you KNOW it! There aren't any maybes. If you are totaly in love and happy, you don't take time off. Most people wouldn't risk losing the love of their life . Sorry Daisy, I just couldn't bite my tongue anymore. I wish you good luck!

[DaisyB]

Thanks, Dallas. . . a good perspective to get.

 

Of course as I see it, things are not that neat, or that easy. Oh, I wish they were. It would be wonderful just to wake up and say, "I don't want him anymore," and be done with it. Or for him to say, "I was a fool, please come back to me." But that hasn't happened yet. Instead we're both stuck in this middle place.

 

I hope that the summer will give us both some clarity. And I'm praying that at the end of the summer, we'll both want the same thing (whether that's to get back together or to stay apart).

 

When you ask why I would be willing to wait. . . well, there are many reasons. The first is that "waiting" is probably a pretty inaccurate description of what I'm doing. (Despite the title of this thread!) For me, my "waiting" behavior is exactly the same as my "moving on" behavior. (New interests, hobbies, all that jazz.) I'm definitely not ready to date anyone new right now. But I'm trying to heal myself in whatever way possible. As we all know, it's a slow process.

 

The second reason for "waiting" is that a few months seem minimal compared to a lifetime. . . and if he says he needs a few months to figure out if he wants to spend a lifetime with me, then I'm willing to give that. It's NOT easy. But I don't think I will ever regret taking a few months for both of us to find out what we really want.

 

Is he selfish for telling me what he needs? Nah. He's definitely indecisive, though. He hates that about himself, and he hates what his indecision has done to me/us. I think the only way he sees to cure it is to take more distance from me. I can't blame him for that. It sucks, but I do respect the idea behind it.

 

Will I decide that he's too indecisive for me? I don't know, Dallas. If his indecision continues throughout the summer, then I'll probably decide that I'm through. If he reaches some sort of conclusion by the end of the summer and wants me back, well. . . I'll have to figure out if I want him back. But all of this is sometime in the future. For now, I'll just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings.

 

Goodnight, all.