My situation with a friend or something more...

[Totalxx5]

So I need a little advice on what i should do about this situation

 

Here's a little background information.

 

I've known this girl since I was 14, I went to high school with her, but I only really got close to her when we were about 16 or 17, and at that point I grew feelings for her, but I never pursued it or told her how I felt because she had a boyfriend. So we lost touch after highschool, and now we both turned 20, we got in touch again, and we have been talking alot, and I learned how she broke up with her previous boyfriend from highschool.

 

So heres the situation.

 

When we started talking again, she never told me she had a new boyfriend, who she has been seeing for 6 months, and than she spilt the beans, at this point she does not realize that i have feelings for her, we are just friends. She would call me every night, and talk to me before she went to sleep. She came and hung out with me and my friends one day, and my friend let something slip that hinted that I had feelings for her, I thought she didn't catch it. So She starts telling me how her boyfriend and her always fight, he doesn't comfort her and make her happy, he can't be intimate with her etc. So shes on a downer, and I take her out to get her mind of things.

 

At the end of the night she tells me how she hasnt had that much fun since high school, how i took her mind off everything, than she brought up the situation in which my friend hinted that I liked her, and she asked what my friend meant. I hesitated to tell her, but I did because I'm a person who hates to lie, and to be lied to. So i tell her the truth of how i used to like her, and how now the feelings have returned and they are stronger. She goes on to tell me and i quote "Why didn't you tell me this in high school, we could have been together, I feel like hitting you for not saying anything." You can imagine how that made me feel.

 

Now im going to tell you, Im not the type of person to break apart a relationship, or cause drama in it, because I wouldn't like it done to me, karma has a way of coming back to us. So i told her, im not going to pursue her while she is still in a relationship, i told her i would still be there for her as a friend, and as someone to talk to because I was a friend to her, before I had feelings for her. So she continued to talk to me about her problems, and how they got worse, how she almost broke up with him, but he begged her not to. So she stayed with him, and their on a rollercoaster, sometimes good, most of the times bad.

 

In the past she has been in 2 LTR and they have both been abusive to her, and hit her, but she clings to them, and did not end it with them, until much later, and I fear shes doing this same thing with this guy now, shes scared of breaking up with him. I've asked her to give me 1 reason why she's still with him, and she can't give me one.

 

Overall:

 

She can't be herself around him.

She hides things from him, like the fact that she smokes because he would get very angry.

Most of the times shes depressed.

They put on a show their parents and friends like everything is alright, but it really isnt.

She is having second thoughts, but he thinks everything is alright.

 

She has confessed that she likes me alot, but she loves him and wants to make it work because he is also a family friend, and if she broke up with him, they would still see each other alot.

 

I don't know what to do anymore..

[odile]

It sounds to me like you need to stop thinking about her in romantic terms.

Half of your post is about wanting to be with her, and half is about what you think of her relationship.

 

It sounds like your motivations may be a little bit blurred.

Be her friend, if you can, but you may do better to cool things off totally for a while-- at least until you can think of her solely under the terms of friendship.

 

Any way you cut it, she is in a relationship with someone else.

It sounds likely that in your conversations with her about her relationship, that you have already let your thoughts/opinions about the situation be known.

 

For her to decide to leave her current relationship is a decision that she will ultimately need to make on her own.

If you are really concerned for her well-being/worried that she is making the wrong choice,

then keep in mind the possibility that right now, you are being a crutch-- by always being there, you may be inadvertently supporting her crummy relationship.

 

A good course of action may be to back off a bit, and try to get your feelings into perspective.

Be there as friendly support for her if she needs you, but keep conversations about her boyfriend to a minimum;

It's entirely fair to say "I'm sorry you're going through a rough time", AND

"I've already told you what I think of him/the relationship, and I'm not really comfortable discussing it with you any further."

[Totalxx5]

Thanks for your advice odile, I was thinking of doing that but i wasn't too sure, but you just reinforced it. It's probably what i'm going to have to end up doing.

 

Anyone else have some input?