thistime Posted July 10, 2009 Author Share Posted July 10, 2009 If you are getting angry and frustrated with him that won't solve any issues or help him learn to forgive and trust you. Why is he with you? Possibly for the same reason you are with him despite all the drawbacks. I do good for a while...just let things be as they are, no demands, no visible frustration or anger...but I NEED ATTENTION...and sometimes it boils over from being all bottled up!!! i just want him to act like he wants to be with me, instead of saying "if I didnt want to date you, I wouldnt." i know...it's disfunctional!! Link to comment
DN Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 Well, if you want the relationship to work you both need to talk this through - and I think you need a professional to help guide you through that process. Link to comment
Circe Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 I'm sorry you feel the need to be defensive about it, but the fact remains that you're in financial trouble after missing just 1 paycheck. You're asking if your boyfriend should be supporting you financially, and he may be having the same reaction. That's unfair. I'm only this far through the thread but it seems fairly clear to me that she's very financially responsible and literally made a simple mistake in not taking into account the possibility that there may be a waiting period for benefits. Given that she's just lost her job, and has a busy life with a kid, I think it's fair enough that she didnt make those enquiries and assumed the benefits would flow instantly. She just made a simple mistake and is now behind - by not very much. He should TOTALLY be at least lending you that money. If there was a zero on the end of what you want then it might be different but come on. Plus you have a kid to think about. He's a .. hang on, there's a smiley just perfect for him: Link to comment
Circe Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 Caring, thoughtful, wonderful, intimate, wrote poetry, sent flowers, said he loved me...textbook all the good stuff, and stupid me... I cheated on him. Ah. I take back the smiley then.. in my gut I think that's exactly why he's being like this. That does explain things. You poor thing.. I don't think you should cling on hoping it will revert back. I think that relationship is probably gone for good. Don't you just wish you could change the past? Link to comment
doyathink Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 not trying to make excuses for my past behavior...but that was 6 years ago!!! and when we fiorst got back together intimacy wasnt an issue...just within the last 2-3 months... could be permanent damage. I stayed with my ex who cheated on me for a few years after. I still loved him more then life....but it did damage that I could never forget, and it showed big time. I could just never let it fully go, and it caused problems for years. I'm not saying this has to be the reason, but it could be. Link to comment
Circe Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 here's another thing...almost like he is still punishing me. I have told him what I need from him emotionally, and his response has been "well I treated you like that before and what good did it do me?" it's like he is witholding affection as punishment!! He denies that of course, and says i remember the past with him thru rose colored glasses and that he was the same way then he is now... It might not be that he's doing this to punish you as such but as a way of dealing with his own anger. I know it's a subtle distinction but I don't think he wants to hurt you. I don't think he likes the fact that he's hurting you. But I don't think he knows how else to deal with his own hurt. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 could be permanent damage. I stayed with my ex who cheated on me for a few years after. I still loved him more then life....but it did damage that I could never forget, and it showed big time. I could just never let it fully go, and it caused problems for years. I'm not saying this has to be the reason, but it could be. I agree with this. Professional help or end it -- that's the only way to go. Link to comment
Godless_Heathen Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 I'm only this far through the thread but it seems fairly clear to me that she's very financially responsible If missing one paycheck sends you into a tailspin, you're not financially responsible. "She didn't expect to lose her job" isn't really an excuse; there are lots of unexpected expenses that can come up that are at least on the same monetary scale. Link to comment
thistime Posted July 10, 2009 Author Share Posted July 10, 2009 If missing one paycheck sends you into a tailspin, you're not financially responsible. "She didn't expect to lose her job" isn't really an excuse; there are lots of unexpected expenses that can come up that are at least on the same monetary scale. see heres the thing...you dont know me, or any events that may have happened to me over the course of the last 6 months...like the fact that I had 300 dollars saved up...but my vehicle broke down, and it took 800. to repair it....(negative 500.00) or the fact that I have no medical insurance , and had ovarian cysts that burst, and i had to go to the doctor...those were the bills I PAID OFF with the very small severance pkg I received.... Link to comment
thistime Posted July 10, 2009 Author Share Posted July 10, 2009 I agree with this. Professional help or end it -- that's the only way to go. He would NEVER agree to professional help...remember he thinks things are "fine" besdies, I have confronted him about harboring resentment becasue i cheated and he states that if he wasnt over it and didnt trust me...he wouldnt be with me. honestly, it's just not worth discussing anymore. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 He would NEVER agree to professional help...remember he thinks things are "fine" besdies, I have confronted him about harboring resentment becasue i cheated and he states that if he wasnt over it and didnt trust me...he wouldnt be with me. honestly, it's just not worth discussing anymore. So what's your next move? Link to comment
DN Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 If missing one paycheck sends you into a tailspin, you're not financially responsible. "She didn't expect to lose her job" isn't really an excuse; there are lots of unexpected expenses that can come up that are at least on the same monetary scale. Moderator Note: Your point has been made and adequately answered - please let it go so the thread is not derailed. This is really a thread about a relationship issue not wise or unwise money-management. Link to comment
thistime Posted July 10, 2009 Author Share Posted July 10, 2009 It might not be that he's doing this to punish you as such but as a way of dealing with his own anger. I know it's a subtle distinction but I don't think he wants to hurt you. I don't think he likes the fact that he's hurting you. But I don't think he knows how else to deal with his own hurt. a form of self preservation perhaps? Link to comment
DN Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 a form of self preservation perhaps?self-protection is perhaps more accurate. Link to comment
thistime Posted July 10, 2009 Author Share Posted July 10, 2009 so DN..if this were you, would you hold on...continue to chip away at the walls, and hope that someday you would get thru to him, and have the love you want and deserve? I KNOW I HURT HIM...i have never denied that, i just need to make him feel safe with me. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 so DN..if this were you, would you hold on...continue to chip away at the walls, and hope that someday you would get thru to him, and have the love you want and deserve? I KNOW I HURT HIM...i have never denied that, i just need to make him feel safe with me. Haven't you tried to chip away at them for two years? Why isn't breaking up an option? Link to comment
DN Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 so DN..if this were you, would you hold on...continue to chip away at the walls, and hope that someday you would get thru to him, and have the love you want and deserve? I KNOW I HURT HIM...i have never denied that, i just need to make him feel safe with me. I would not continue to do something that was plainly not working. I would try something else - counselling would be an option. Or a different approach. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 If counselling isn't an option, and you refuse to break up, and you can't talk about it ... what else can you do here?? Link to comment
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