boyfriend might be cheating, please help

[natash24]

hey all,

 

I just had a disuccion with my boyfriend where I told him I felt that he was too distant with the way he acts towards me where I can't tell whether he loves me or not and that maybe he is too old and set in his ways to share a life with someone ( he is 33 me 25) and maybe I need too much attention. He says that might be true but he is trying and it seems that nothing is ever perfect enough. he is not very romantic now a days and takes me for granted sometimes. We haven't made love in two weeks. Anyways I told him I need two weeks to be myself apart from him and he said it was fine. when I asked him if we should put any rules on our two weeks apart he said he wouldn't do anything differently than he already has been doing and that set me off. All along I think he has been cheating on me. He has this girl's phone number in his desk. I know that before me he used to have a booty call girl. He is always making plans with his guy friends last minute and when I ask him how it went he's a bit vague. For the last few weekends he'll make plans with his guy friends and tell me as a matter of factly " I'm going to do blah blah blah" . Shouldn't he ask me if it's okay with me? This is standard right for a couple of 7 months? My question is how do I know if a guy is cheating on me? he has cheated before once in a relationship and I don't know what to make of it. Please anyone who could help me it would be great. I will wait my two weeks and see what happens but I honestly don't know how to talk to him now a days without worrying he will think i am neurotic. Please help.

[Gilgamesh]

From what your saying, things look like they are getting a bit cold between you two, and he may be having problems with commitment.

 

In his mind he may be thinking, hey this girl is too controlling etc. but if he really loves you, i would think he would put more into the relationship and give you at least a little respect,.

 

I know this is risky but you may want to try a strategic break up, then youll know what hes made of and what his true intentions are with you, if he uses this "opportunity" to go looking for other chicks, then you know what you have, if he gets his act together, then it could be he was just testing the relationship and just testing you and his leash.

[overcorrect]

This sounds like a bad situation but I don't think it impossible to correct.

 

You need to quit jumping through hoops to appease him when he's not even bothering to hold the hoop for you in the first place.

He obviously doesn't know what he's got and you know how the saying goes; "don't know what you've got until it's gone".

The total disregard for your feelings by being vague and locking you out of his life by planning around you is what I would consider a fair sign that he is being deceitful.

Decide to be proactive instead of reactive. Let me give you an example from my life (when I was 24, almost 10 years ago).

 

I absolutely loved and adored my girlfriend and I thought that she had the most incredible personality and body that I have ever seen. I knew her approximately 6 years before I started dating her and at first things went very well.

After about a year she started acting like it was a friggin' chore to show any affection for me in any way and it was like it starved me of my self asteem. Only when it was "convenient" would we be intimate and it was usually after some severe begging.

I started being reactive to the way she treated me and much like you know you are doing (deep down inside) I started losing control of who I was anymore.

I actually resorted to offering her money (which she accepted) for affection (how pathetic is that on both of our parts?!?!).

My self asteem was in the drain and I knew it but I figured to myself things would change eventually.

Our relationship continued in this path for 7 to 8 more months and I was somewhat sure she was seeing one of her co-workers but I could never pinpoint when.

Back then (1993) there was no such thing as "check cards" and my primary source for getting cash was an ATM.

One day she called me from work and asked if I could bring her something to eat. I would have to hurry though because the mall she worked at was accross town and she only had a certain amount of time to eat. I rushed to get her some food from a bar-be-que place on the way and I was starving too but I only had enough money to get her food and there was no ATM close.

I got her the food and took it to her work and we sat down together and she began to eat the food I brought. It was in the breakroom at her job.

I casually put my arm around her as I sat next to her and she told me to "quit it" because she was at work.

 

Reactive changed to proactive and I decided at that moment that I would have myself and my self-asteem back and I would not be treated like this anymore. I left before she was finished eating and I didn't say a word. She didn't say anything either as she figured she would see me again, I'm sure. That was the last time I was ever with her... ever.

I drove away very mad at myself (not sad) that I had let it go that long and I had been so weak. I drove to an ATM and got money and I decided to go to the Grandy's drive-thru and get some food. I decided never to go back and see her or call her again.

 

Now, this is the reason I told you this story... this is real and it really happened.

As I drove up to the Grandy's drive thru I saw that there was a car exactly like mine in front of me... a girl was driving it. After she ordered she drove around the corner I ordered and soon followed around the corner. She stuck her head out of the window and told me I had a nice car. As I began driving home after getting my food she was driving home the same way... she lived in the neighborhood right next to my apartment complex. I started seeing her and we started dating about 3 weeks later. During that dating we joked about "telling our grandkids" about meeting in the Grandy's drive thru. That was 10 years ago... and she is my wife now. (If you are not believing this story I can e-mail you pics of our two cars and even a pic of the drive-thru... we took pictures of the drive-thru because Grandy's eventually closed and we thought they were going to tear down the building).

 

Things can happen unexpectedly when you decide to control your life and not let anyone else control it for you. As for Amy (the ex-girlfriend).. she caught wind of my new girlfriend and came over begging and told me she "had always loved me" and even though I still had feelings for her, I didn't get back with her (obviously). Proactive won her over but I didn't want her anymore.

 

Things happen for a reason... If Amy had never told me to "quit it" I would have never met my wife.

Things happen for a reason.