A nice guy having a really hard time dealing with breakup

[Technical Support]

A bit about my relationship with my ex...

I have known her for three years, first as a friend for six months and then 2 1/2 years as a couple. I am 25 years old and this was my first relationship, and I dont mean first time to commit to someone...i mean first kiss, first sex, first person that close to me. She is 21 years older and broke up with me rather abruptly.

 

OK...we have lived together for over two years now, we have spent every night together since we moved in together. About two weeks before we broke up she began hanging out with co-workers until 4-5-6-7 am in the morning and even slept over at a friends home one time. Mind you we werent arguing or anything she claimed that she had made some new friends and that she was having fun hanging out with them. I was fine with that until I began to find clues that led me to think that she may have been unhappy with our relationship and possibly interested in someone else, nothing conclusive but enough to make me bring it up to her. On top of that we were suppose to go on vacation to vegas and I found an email that she had sent to find out if she could cancel our reservations for the trip.

 

Here are a few things that I found on their xanga pages…if your not familiar with xanga it is a site that lets you write whatever you want and people can respond to it…similar to this site.

 

She put: How can something feel so right, yet be so very wrong... (this was after a beach party they all went to)

She also put: I had one of those conversations in life that was really overdue. It was different, yet I could relate. I couldn't help but smile on the way home. Thanks for understanding. (from the same night)

 

Two days later she put a post that simply said: If I do what needs to be done for myself; promise me, you'll be there.

 

Now the guy that im worried about her being interested in puts this on his site: if u do wut needs to be done i can only hope that im included and if i am ill always be there threw good and bad threw happy and sad- im yours- ill cut those shackles so i can be me and u can be u- choosing to choose has past wut uve chosen is here- live life as u want it if u dont its not ur life to live- the first step in finding urself is losing yourself written this in hopes that it was directed towards me- and if it is- i would so love to be there for YOU- i promise with all my heart ill be there-

 

Ok…so there are other references that I found and so I confronted her first thing in the morning because I was really paranoid that she was either cheating on me or about to. At first she denied everything saying that she was happy and that she wasn't trying to cancel our reservations. Eventually she admitted that something was up and I let her know that her coming home late was becoming a problem for me and that I was lonely with out her by my side. We talked for about an hour and she didn't really give me any insight into why she was unhappy except to say that I want to have kids someday and she doesn't (by the way I don't know the last time we talked about having kids). She said that maybe she was staying out late so that I would get upset and be the "bad guy and dump her" she also stated that how could she know that I was the one for her if she didn't know anything else…she's too young to be tied down and wants be able to hang out with her friends when she wants to.

 

So she packed her stuff up and 7 hours later she was gone…at this time I still didn't understand why she was leaving. I tried to get a hold of her for a week and finally she called me back and we setup a meeting so that we could "finalize things". I ended up meeting with her at the mall and questioned her as to what was going on. She basically stated that she was happy being single for that past week and that she would like to keep it that way from now on. I asked her if we were on a break, going to be seeing each other but not living together, or completely broken up…she claimed to not know what she wanted right now and that she just needed space. I asked if I should expect to see or hear from her and she said that maybe we could email each other…now we have known each other for three years and im just suppose to stop talking to her, seeing her every day….its been very hard.

 

At the time that im writing this we are almost at the three week point of our split. We have left each other messages about some loose ends that we need to clear up such as a car loan we have together…joint accounts and things like that, but we haven't actually spoke in over a week. I have been obsessed with knowing what she's doing and if she is ever going to come back to me. I know her password to her cell phone and check that sometimes, I check the xanga pages of the people she knows and have found out stuff like she's buying a car and that guy that im worried about put that "ive gotten to spend more time with a very beautiful girl named (he name) and i couldnt be more happier with her." This broke my heart because I still have a deep love for her and am worried about what might happen to her if she ends up with this guy…she has recently come into a good chunk of change and I worry that she maybe taken advantange of…everyone tells me that that's her problem and not for me to worry about anymore but I cant help myself.

 

In closing I have cut back from calling her every couple days to not calling at all…and im trying hard to keep the no contact rule in effect. But how long are you suppose to wait for them to come around. How do you deal with the pain they caused you and constantly thinking of her…this is the first time my heart has been broken and I don't think im taking it very well…

Any tips will be much appreciated…

 

.....EDIT.....

 

I wanted to add something I wrote about the issue of giving space since that is something that many of us are dealing with...

 

Space…

 

Its something you need right now but what is space? Is it whats between you and I…

 

 

Space:

 

How can something you need so much be the one thing that I feel I cant give you.

 

The thing that you feel helps you but only hurts me.

 

If I stand still the difference in space seems to be the same…but what if I were to move towards you…would you back away…what if I were to retreat from you…what would happen then?

 

Someday, Maybe you'll want to come back…what if the space has become to far and wide and too much time has passed for you to remember how to get back to me…have you left bread crumbs to find your way back or did you keep them in your sack all the time knowing that you wont want to find the way…back.

 

Like the empty space on my walls where your pictures once hung…like the space in my closet where your clothes once where…like the space in our bed where you once laid…so empty is my heart without you by my side…you've left me too empty inside…

 

How long can I ride this trip called life on an empty tank without you ridding next to me in your seat…You have the map in your hands, only you can guide me to you before the lever falls below E.

 

Is this space all you thought it would be…has it set you free? To be or not to be…is not the question…only if you want to be with me.

 

Space… by ones definition is "an area reserved for some particular purpose"

 

Whats the purpose here?

 

For now I will continue to pace…

[chrysanthelien]

Hi tech,

 

You sound like you've got a decent head on your shoulders. Keep in mind, I don't know her, so any advice I dish is a reflection of your vibes off of her. So, that said, first off, stop checking her cell phone and anything else you might know the password for for her. This is for her continued privacy and your sanity, cuz you know that permission for your access was revoked.

 

Second, it sounds like she does need to find herself and that that other guy is part of the process. It sounds to me like she's doing some personal growing. I take it you are her first boyfriend also? Will understanding what she's going thru help? She can't explain it to you right now because she won't understand it until it's over. It's kind of like how some lessons have to be learned when your parents are not around. Teens break away from their parents and then some come back and reform the relationship in a mature way and some stay away for good. There's a certain amount of testing the waters that some folks go through at a certain point in their lives, just like how some senior guys break up with the high school sweethearts they leave behind to date girls in college.

 

You're not her parent, so you're not obligated to stick around and wait for her. I don't know her personally, so it's hard to say whether she will come around or not. You know the saying, absense makes the heart grow fonder, but too much absense makes the heart forget. It's your choice ultimately whether you're going to a) let go and get over her and go a different direction in your life, b) wait for her to come back and kill time in the meantime, or c) try to get her back (and be aware this can backfire). Whatever you choose, be aware of the cons and choose one you can live with. The sooner you choose, the better for you.

 

If you decide to let her go (in your heart, not just in your apartment and life -- as a girlfriend), I advise taking a day or two, if you haven't already, to go ahead and mourn the relationship. This is generally what girls do. Cry. Get tissues. If you don't feel like crying, go ahead and think of all your memories, get all your photos and keepsakes, and call your best guy friend or your mom and complain. Call all your friends even, if you want to. Let them know you're getting it out there, and ask them to listen and tell you how wonderful you are and how crazy she must be. Sulk, dwell, get angry, get sad, worry, feel wronged, etc. and get it out of your system.

 

When you're done, pack that stuff up and put it away in storage, and then you're done with it and you move on. You pick up a new skills class, like dancing or martial arts, or cooking or music or whatever suits your interests, and you get out and meet new people. Instead of coming home after work, go to your classes. Go to highly populated places like malls or festivals and check out women again (in a nice way of course, quietly). After your freebie emotional period, don't allow yourself to worry about her, because she must have a decent head on her shoulders to go out with you right? You may miss her once in a while, but then you take a deep breath, count to ten, and change the mental channel. Guys seem to skip to this step, to just not think about the girl. I think this stunts part of the growing and learning you can get from the breakup process.

 

And finally, I'd consider moving out of that apartment if you can. If you're mid-lease and don't want to break your lease, see if management will allow you to move to a different apartment within the same complex. Even changing the apartment in the same building or area will help.

 

I hope this helps...

Chris

[chrysanthelien]

Tech,

I just read your edit. Is that your email or letter to her? If I asked my partner for space to grow, whether break or breakup, your letter would send me running to the hills. Why? Because it says "I hear that you have a need but I don't understand it and thereforeeee me me me me me". Especially "the thing that you feel helps you but only hurts me" says to me "You *think* this might be what you need, but...". It's a stifling letter. She'll be using the space to figure out what she needs and doesn't need in her life, and if you send her letters like that, she'll decide that the last thing she needs is someone who can't understand her real needs and/or can't give her what she needs.

 

If you want her back, you don't want to advertise that you can't meet her needs. You want to be sending her the message that you can meet her needs or that you'll try, i.e. you're still her friend if not her boyfriend, and you maybe don't quite understand it but will abide by her wishes (with grace) and you wish her the best. And you stick with that, and you ditch the 'somedays' and the flowery language and mentions of empty space because it will make her feel sad or guilty. You want her to return because she loves you and is happy with you, not because she felt bad for making you feel empty. And no, it won't make her realize how much you love her; if she doesn't know it by now... you can show it by *not* telling her how sad you are without her. Instead, you will want every encounter she has with you to be a positive, happy, and uplifting one, so that she can have more of that happy feeling with you instead of somebody else.

 

Any other approach will drive her away. Esp. considering the other guy is telling her that he'll be there for her regardless of what she chooses for herself. I still recommend deciding whether you want to get her back or move on first, and sticking with it.

 

Take care,

Chris

[Hopingpraying]

Tech,

 

I nearly shed a tear for you reading about your situation. I guess it is because it hit really close to home. My wife nearly told me the same things your GF did. I kept pressuring her, trying to get her to come back to me. I can tell you it did not work and actually pushed her further away.

 

Crysan is giving you good sounds advice. I would listen to what he has to say. I know you believe that if you just say the right things she will come back to you, but I can assure you that this is not the case. She will have to come back on her own and nothing you say or do will change her mind. The best thing you can do if you feel it nessecary to write her a letter is to tell her you understand, and all you want is for her to be happy. If that means she needs to be away from you then you understand and support her no matter how bad it hurts you. You love her that much.

 

We are here to be your sounding board so you don't have to go to her. Don't call her, don't write her. Just support her decision and make yourself stronger, better, and wiser. That is what attracted her to you in the first place.

 

Good luck.

[sera_michele]

Really, she has not treated you very well in this situation. You have to ask yourself, woul you have done that same stuff to her? Generally a person doesnt treat someone that they love, care about, and respect like that. You deserve honesty and respect from your partner.

 

Even though you love her, it is better off in the long run. You dont want to spend your days with a person who cannot give you the truth, who acts sneaky and suspicious, and who cant be trusted. I think that just about everyone has loved a person who could not reciprocate those same feelings. It hurts, true, but it doesnt mean that every woman you meet will be like this.

 

 

I myself am engaged to be married. Me and my fiance have 100% trust in eachother. I tell him when i talk to ex's, he tells me when a co-worker shows interest in him...honestly, we joke around about it. I couldnt imagine living with and loving someone who behaved in a manner like your ex. i am not saying she is a bad person, i am sure she is a great person for you to love her so much - she actually sounds like she doesnt know what she wants, and she has to figure out that one for herself.

[Technical Support]

First off let me start off by saying thank you to those of you that have offered advise to me…I really do appreciate hearing many different point of views.

 

The space poem was just something that I wrote for myself and she is unaware of it, that would defiantly go against the no contact rule which aside from dealing with our remaining "joint accounts" issues I am trying to implement.

 

My ex is a beautiful woman that didn't see the beauty in herself until I showed it to her, she was a bit off a goth girl with mostly black cloths in her closet. She now loves paul frank other colorful clothes which was a big change for her. She use to cry when I looked into her eyes and told her how beautiful she was because she didn't believe it…and I wasn't telling her that to get in her pants like this new guy probably is.

 

I did have complete trust in her until two weeks before our breakup when she started hanging out really late…up until that point I think we both trusted each other. My ex is into fashion and wants to go to college for it but it turns out this new group of friends that she is hanging out with is trying to start up their own clothing line and from what I hear she's very involved in it now and im sure that's very exciting for her. I am very worried that she will feel pressured to "help" them with startup money seeing as she has recently come into some money and that in the end things wont work out and she will be hurt. At first that really got to me but I now realize that she has to learn it herself.

 

I am still very much wanting her back and mainly that is because we had such a great thing together and im not ready to give up on it yet, and if giving her time to see what life out there can really be like, with our without me. I will try to cut back on the monitoring of her cell phone and what not but its so hard because she left me with no answers to so many questions…just a lot of "I don't know what I want"

[chrysanthelien]

Hi Tech,

 

I'm really glad to hear that that was a personal poem & not a letter to her. I had a friend whose exboyfriend did a number on her mentally -- the jekyll & hyde thing, you know the type. She'd stay with him, he'd get angry at one thing or another and break things or ditch her at the mall, she'd break the relationship off, he'd beg her to come back, and she'd return. Rinse & repeat. I knew them both when they were dating, and from the exterior, he seemed like such a great guy. Everyone was blaming her for breaking his heart. But she came to me the last time, when she was really confused and etc., and I helped her talk things out. During this process he knew she was coming to me, and I got to see first hand how much jekyll & how much hyde there was with him. She'd told me he'd gotten violent before, not at her but breaking things around her, and I got to see how much of that there was when she decided not to go back to him and he blamed me for it.

 

I'm not saying you're like this guy. I don't know enough details of course. I was reminded of him though, because of your poem. I'm saying there's two sides to every coin. I really felt for the guy, because it was clear that he really cared for her as much as he knew how. But my loyalty of course was for the girl, where my friendship lay. He wasn't good for her, but he didn't see that; hardly anyone did. Sometimes I'd talk to him and try to give him advice to take it easy and let her decide, and he'd tell me how hard it really was. Other times he'd yell at me, like the time I wouldn't tell him where she was. He was a very emotionally intense person. She really cared for him too, but he wasn't able to give her the time she needed to sort things out, so her 'maybe' turned into a 'no way in h***' directly because of his actions when she wanted to have time out to think.

 

I think you have the right of it to have the minimal contact rule. It will help both you and her. Re: her new friends, did you tell her your worry? I would tell her what you think and why, in a letter explaining it clearly, i.e. "I feel concerned about you because I understand you came into a good amount of money recently, and I'm aware that your friends want to start a new business. I don't know your friends personally, but I worry that they (or strangers) may try to take advantage of you. I know you have a good head on your shoulders, and it's your decision how you lead your life (or how you spend your money), but as a friend I felt I should point out my concern." If you can think of a time she might have been a little too naive or trusting of strangers, I would mention it in a letter. It tells her you care, that you have concern, but in a non-threatening way, that you're not criticizing her and that you trust her choice.

 

I totally agree with Hoping that you should talk to friends or come online and post when you feel down and out. Give it some time, and all things will become that much more clear.

Cheers,

Chris

[Technical Support]

Hey Chris I know exactly the type of guy that you are talking about...and I can tell you with all honesty that I am not that guy...When I met my ex i fell head over heals for her and it became very apperant to me very early on that she was very different from me, our taste in music and clothes even down to what movie we wanted to watch was distinctly different. At first I worried that it may be a problem and that we were not compatable but as things progressed I came to realize that opposites really do attract and we both opened our eyes to each others world. ok a little of path there...

 

so, I can tell you that I treated her as best I knew how, I never raised my hand to her and maybe only once raised my voice...im a very laid back kinda guy and always have the outlook on life that everything is going to work out in the end and so far it has...The only time that I have broken down and cried before this was when my aunt passed away last year...I think she kinda resented that I didnt get overly happy or overly sad at all...while she on the other hand was quite emotional and did get overly happy and overly sad...but I always like that about her...not sure why?

 

This is the first time that I dont know if things are going to work out and if im going to make it through this alright...She has thrown me into a depresion that I am not use to, a sense of hoplesness. Not knowing how she feels makes me think in my head over and over what she could be feeling right now...does she miss me, is she mad at me...is she really having as much fun as it seems she is...

 

ok, im really rambling here...sorry...as far as telling her my thoughts on her friends...I voiced my worry to her that money might be part of the issue here, whether she wants to admit it she was very dependent on my since we started going out...I worked two jobs and made five times what she did last year...I didnt care that I was working two jobs because it kept us happy to have spending money but now that she has come into that money its like a switch went off in her head and she realized that she might be able to do without me....keep in mind that she is convinced that money has nothing to do with her wanting to leave (im not sure what role it played myself)...I feel that if I bring up her friends at all to her that she will see it as me trying to get her back by warning her about them...and now that they are a major part of her life I dont think that she would take kindly to it...does that make sense?

[chrysanthelien]

Hi Tech,

Feel free to ramble... it's ok. It's really rough, and will be rough for a while. You know, you mentioned that you think she was dependent on you. That's never healthy for either of you, whether she or you admit it or not. I'm sure I'm not the first person to say it, and you'll hear it a dozen times, but this is probably the time you'll want to focus on you, just like she's focusing on her. Maybe you can focus on what you want to do with your income, now that it's all yours. Save it, invest it maybe, work on a nest egg so that when the time comes, you'll have a good size chunk and etc. for the kids? I'm sure that time will come for you, and you'll look back and think wow I learned a lot from that experience. It's all about getting up off the ground and getting back on the horse. Same horse, different horse, it's up to you, but you know deep down that you will get up again...

*hug*

Chris

[Technical Support]

OK people...im headed off to vegas on a pre breakup planned vacation to visit my sister and some other people...I wont have access to a computer for about a week so I look forward to coming back and reading how everyone is doing...stay strong and keep your spirits high...Marc

[Scout]

Well, I thought your poem was very poignant and unique - quite a contrast to the illiterate ramblings of the guy she's interested in. If I were you, I would be appalled that she could even be interested in someone who writes like he does. And I would seriously question her worthiness of you, as a result.