boyfriend keeps calling chat or porno lines

[butterflylover]

okay, so my boyfriend of 3 years continously gets caught calling chat lines or porno lines. The subject has been argued a numerous of times and HE sTILL calls. he's cheated before with someone he met on these lines. I know i should leave him, but so in love, hoping he will change. My question is, why do men do this??? I give him everything, isn't it enough? will he ever stop??? please comfort me and tell me why and if he'll ever change????

[Sn0man]

He's cheated, called porn lines and still does. You've been with him three years and he still does this. You already know the truth. It won't stop. It'll probably just get worse. You're better off leaving now and not looking back. There's a world full of men out there that would NEVER think of doing that. Drop him and move on.

 

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but men like that never change.

 

Good Luck

 

Sn0man

[jasminebose]

I'm sorry too but the last post is true. This guy is not going to change. After all you know he calls these lines and has cheated on you and yet you are still with him. Basically that is like saying to him " I accept that you treat me badly, cheat on me, etc but because I love you I will put up with it and not leave you". You are giving him permission to walk all over you.

I think you need to leave him and explain to him that you are not willing to be ignored and treated badly, if he loves you so much then he should be willing to make serious changes to prove that he only wants you. If he doesn't then you'll know he wasn't worth it in the first place. You deserve more than this!

JZ

[chrysanthelien]

Hi Butterfly,

 

I agree with Snoman, although it may be difficult to hear bluntly. You've been with him for 3 years. Did he agree to stop calling, and then get caught calling, or was he arguing the point and continuing to call? The difference is basically, if he agreed to stop and then didn't, repeatedly, his lying has continued. Even if he didn't specifically agree to stop, he's continued an activity that he knows hurts you immensely, with minimal gain for himself.

 

By staying with him, you send him the message that it's ok to lie to you, and ok to hurt you, and that your love for him is greater than your love for yourself. Why do men do this? Not all men do. But some guys out there, your guy being one of them, do it because they can get away with it. They're the ones who aren't looking for a mature relationship with a woman to develop into a life-long commitment, because emotional maturity still has yet to come knocking. He won't stop until 1) you remove yourself from him, sending him the signal that it's not ok to hurt you or 2) (small chance) he has a life-changing experience and invites that level of maturity into his home, or 3) (also small chance, and not recommended) you guys have kids together and are stuck together, when he's *old* and wrinkled and maybe impotent and he has no one else. And this may make him bitter and do it more.

 

#1 is the hardest for you to do, but the healthiest. #2 & #3 could come or not, you never know. Why wait your lifetime to find the man of your dreams? Women are raised to be nurturers in our society, but we shouldn't settle for less than what we deserve. If he's taking everything you give him and it isn't enough, if he doesn't meet your needs, if he isn't exactly what you want right now, with a gazillion single men out there right now you're wasting your time with this one. True, no one's perfect, but you decide what's fundamentally important to you. If it's important to you that you be able to trust your mate, respect and be respected by him, and both give and receive all the love you can handle, you should have that from your mate. If it's important to you that your mate not cheat or not call porno lines, you have the right to demand that your mate, the person who has the pleasure of your company, not pursue that activity. Your current guy has already shown from his track record that he won't love you the way you want him to until you show him that you recognize your own value and that you love yourself too much to let someone mistreat you, and sometimes it won't happen even then.

 

Start by giving yourself everything, and everything will start looking up from there. *hug*

Chris

[kuhl282000]

IM SORRY TO REPORT THAT THIS GUY IS NOT REALLY YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT BAD NEWS. I WOULD DUMP HIM LIKE A HOT POTATO. YOU DESERVE SOMEONE THAT RESPECTS YOU. I WOULD NOT EVEN GIVE HIM THE TIME OF DAY IF I WERE YOU. YOU CAN DO A LOT BETTER.

 

GOOD LUCK

 

KUHL

 

CHEATING IS REASON ENOUGH TO DUMP HIM

[Xandra]

He does NOT LOVE OR RESPECT YOU. How have you even hung in there this long?? What has your secret been other than not feeling like you can do better? Guess what girl? YOU CAN!! Leave this piece of crap and don't even give an explanation - he doesn't even deserve to have one at this point. Any man who will continue to hurt you despite your plea of him to STOP some perverted, selfish indulgence is not even worth you crying over. Believe me, there are men out there who WILL LOVE YOU!! Stop taking this guy's crap - why love someone who has no love or respect for you in return? Turn that passion you have for him into resentment, you'll be a stronger person ... then take it as a really bad learning experience and move on.

 

Let us know what happens.

[butterflylover]

It's so weird that I really had no more tear to cry this time since i;ve been through this crap so many times. you know confronting him about the issue and him promising to stop. But after reading all you advice, I cried so much! I have come to realize that I need to be strong and need to stop letting these guys walk all over me. MY son's dad cheated on me too.... so I'm still pretty traumatized. that's kind of why I'm so insecure and why i put myself down. I love this guy alot, more than anything. and give him the world. But i guess i need to respect myself and understand that he could never love me the way I want to be loved. which all I ask is to be respected!!!! So I broke it off saturday, I"m so alone! we share the same friends so I can't turn to anyone..... I miss his voice, his touch! BUT DAMMIT, I'M GONNA BE STRONG! WHY? BECAUSE ALL YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE PUT STUFF IN MY HEAD TO REALIZE THAT HE'S NEVER GONNA STOP UNTIL I PUT MY FOOT DOWN!!! THANKS SO MUCH! YOUR WORDS OF ADVICE MEANS SO MUCH! I'M GLAD I FOUND THIS SITE! IT'S AWESOME!!!

[chrysanthelien]

Hey Butterfly,

 

Congrats! I'm so glad that we could help out. Re: having someone to talk to, are there no friends who are more loyal to you than to him? Usually girls are more sympathetic to other girls... but I understand if it's difficult to gauge who you can talk to. How about family? Co-workers? I'm glad you recognize how much you're worth, and that you're worth just so much more than that.

 

If you can't celebrate with friends, you can still celebrate on your own. Don't worry about the friends, cuz you know you'll make new ones. What's this? Celebrating newfound freedom to do as you please, whenever you want, and no more sharing the remote control or stupid fights??? You get the bed all to yourself, both sides, whenever you want it? No more cleaning up after a regular messy guest in your house? Oh, that means, no more of his forgetting to put the toilet seat down! WHOO HOOOOOO!!!

 

I think you should do something special to mark this occasion. From here on out, it's all about you baby! (and your son, of course). Treat yourself to a nice evening and pamper yourself! If you can afford it, try a new restaurant you've been dying to try, maybe a cuisine he hated that you love or are curious about, and practice flirting with the waiter! Or maybe stay in with a nice long bath and a nifty bottle of bubble bath for suds, and get some sample-sized personal care products. Wal-Mart sells these for cheap, i.e. face masks and body scrubs & nail polish. And, what's this? Listen for a moment.... hmmm, the house is so quiet. What's that I hear? NOT ESPN!!! WHOOO HOOOO!!! Turn your tv to a bunch of chick flicks, and watch them as much as you want, with no obnoxious testosterone-influenced input about movie characters or the brilliantly-written script. Or maybe play some jazz, or whatever suits your fancy. Anything to enjoy your newfound freedom! My ex hated eminem's music, so of course that was on my radio all the time for a while. If I had cable I'd have been watching South Park day in and day out too (another thing he hated)

 

Keep us posted!

Chris