The 'flirting threshold' ...

[MatthewS]

Ladies, I need some help here..

 

Throughout my life I have been persistantly clueless in a particular area, and now it's time I had it spelled out for me! I will call it 'the flirtation threshold' so it has a term associated with the definition.

 

I have been in certain situations, for example;

 

I'm at the checkout with a SO and the girl working might be a bit friendly with me. Upon leaving the store I might catch a comment from the SO such as 'she was totally flirting/hitting on you!'

 

Now I am completely clueless to this behaviour. All my life the SO's i've had made it distinctly clear to me that they were interested. Either a direct comment in terms of taking them out and I even had one chase me around the tables in a club once! She was fun until she broke my heart 2.5 years later.

 

Background stated, I need to know how to pick up on this without such a direct approach from the woman. I feel I could assert myself and ask out a woman who is interested if I just had some key ways to tell when they are interested without them being so direct. I mean, not all women are so direct, right?

 

I did a lot of reading about body language, but find that this differs sometimes and is not fool proof. I also find that some women are naturally flirtatious and if I don't read them right I risk putting both of us in an uncomfortable position.

 

So what i need spelled out for me is basically, whats the flirtation threshold? When does 'casual friendliness' pass the line into 'i like you!' and how do I pick up on this? I feel I miss a lot of opportunities not knowing how to read this with the shy girls.

 

I guess another way to word it is, what are the differences between being really friendly to a definate sign that shes interested? What are your signs? Maybe your a really friendly person all the time but take that one extra step to show interest, and thats what I want to know. When can I feel 'safe' and 'clear to pursue' a woman. I am a bit shy too and don't want to be in an awkward situation. Nobody likes rejection either but I can handle that part.

 

Anyone? Throw a nice guy a bone ladies! I want to pursue more but I'm new at it! Thanks a heap in advance.

 

- Matt

[velvette]

maybe instead of waiting for her to give you clear signals for "safe and clear pursuit", give off some open signals of your own? guys and girls aren't too different really, just put yourself in her shoes.

[MatthewS]

maybe instead of waiting for her to give you clear signals for "safe and clear pursuit", give off some open signals of your own? guys and girls aren't too different really, just put yourself in her shoes.

 

But I don't really know what kind of signals to put out? This is why I need the help!

 

- Matt

[velvette]

just like you won't know what kind of signals to look for, there are no universal signals for you to give off. just act genuinely interested, if you are, pay attention, make her feel special. that sort of deal. if she likes you, she'll warm up. or even if she doesn't like you at first, you could slowly win her over.

[waveseer]

Look her in the eye, hold her gaze and smile warmly. Be yourself, talk about things happening in your life right now. Ask her how she's doing, be empathetic. Smile.

[MatthewS]

just like you won't know what kind of signals to look for, there are no universal signals for you to give off. just act genuinely interested, if you are, pay attention, make her feel special. that sort of deal. if she likes you, she'll warm up. or even if she doesn't like you at first, you could slowly win her over.

 

Look her in the eye, hold her gaze and smile warmly. Be yourself, talk about things happening in your life right now. Ask her how she's doing, be empathetic. Smile.

 

So basically, no woman so far is willing to give me any insight into their own actions, only tell me what I should be doing.. Did I read that right? This is not helpful I'm afraid.

 

- Matt

[waveseer]

So basically, no woman so far is willing to give me any insight into their own actions, only tell me what I should be doing.. Did I read that right? This is not helpful I'm afraid.

 

- Matt

 

What I told you to do is what an interested woman would do. Unfortunately, it's also what a friendly woman would do. Sorry, no one rule applies to all of us.

[MatthewS]

just like you won't know what kind of signals to look for, there are no universal signals for you to give off. just act genuinely interested, if you are, pay attention, make her feel special. that sort of deal. if she likes you, she'll warm up. or even if she doesn't like you at first, you could slowly win her over.

 

What I told you to do is what an interested woman would do. Unfortunately, it's also what a friendly woman would do. Sorry, no one rule applies to all of us.

 

Ok, heres where I'm confused. How did all my SO's know when other women were hitting on me? I do all those things suggested to EVERY woman I meet. I always look them in the eyes, make good conversation, smile, etc, it's just who I am. So if this is the normal me, then perhaps when they return the demeanor I'm just picking this up as 'normal'.

 

This is why I need the help here. I wish I could explain it better

 

- Matt

[waveseer]

Ok, heres where I'm confused. How did all my SO's know when other women were hitting on me? I do all those things suggested to EVERY woman I meet. I always look them in the eyes, make good conversation, smile, etc, it's just who I am. So if this is the normal me, then perhaps when they return the demeanor I'm just picking this up as 'normal'.

 

This is why I need the help here. I wish I could explain it better

 

- Matt

 

Matt, most women wouldn't hit on you while you're standing next to another woman who could be your wife or girlfriend. On the other hand, it is easier for women to be friendly towards a man who is seemingly spoken for because she doesn't have to worry about him trying to pick her up.

 

Don't try to see anything in the behavior of women who are friendly or even extra friendly towards you when you are with another woman.

 

Do you currently have a girlfriend? Can you ask her how she knew?

[MatthewS]

Matt, most women wouldn't hit on you while you're standing next to another woman who could be your wife or girlfriend. On the other hand, it is easier for women to be friendly towards a man who is seemingly spoken for because she doesn't have to worry about him trying to pick her up.

 

Don't try to see anything in the behavior of women who are friendly or even extra friendly towards you when you are with another woman.

 

Do you currently have a girlfriend? Can you ask her how she knew?

 

Well, Your explanation makes sense here. But for example in that situation at the grocery when we walked back to the car and she made that comment I said the same thing 'I doubt she would hit on me with my GF standing right next to me' and her reply was 'trust me, I'm a girl I know these things.' and when I asked her how she knew she claimed 'it's in her body language.' but the conversation ended there.

 

That 2.5 year debacle is over now so I'm not going to call her up and ask her to continue that discussion So I'm going for the next best thing and asking 'girls' because 'they know these things' LOL

 

- Matt

[waveseer]

Well, Your explanation makes sense here. But for example in that situation at the grocery when we walked back to the car and she made that comment I said the same thing 'I doubt she would hit on me with my GF standing right next to me' and her reply was 'trust me, I'm a girl I know these things.' and when I asked her how she knew she claimed 'it's in her body language.' but the conversation ended there.

 

That 2.5 year debacle is over now so I'm not going to call her up and ask her to continue that discussion So I'm going for the next best thing and asking 'girls' because 'they know these things' LOL

 

- Matt

 

That makes sense. So now that you're not standing next to a woman, what confuses you about how women behave around you?

[MatthewS]

That makes sense. So now that you're not standing next to a woman, what confuses you about how women behave around you?

 

That they still behave the same! hahahaha.. they can't all like me!! and they can't all dislike me!! hahahaha... see?

 

This is going to be a problem

 

- Matt

[waveseer]

That they still behave the same! hahahaha.. they can't all like me!! and they can't all dislike me!! hahahaha... see?

 

This is going to be a problem

 

- Matt

 

I guess you're just going to have to stick your neck out and start giving out your phone number! lol

[coffeehound]

That they still behave the same! hahahaha.. they can't all like me!! and they can't all dislike me!! hahahaha... see?

 

This is going to be a problem

 

- Matt

The problem is--and we all have the same problem--there is absolutely no guarantee about what's going to happen when you try to take something to the next level. Is she actually flirting? Maybe. Does she want you to do something about it? Maybe. What will her reaction be if you casually ask her if she wants to go for coffee? Totally depends--and not necessarily just on whether or not she thinks you're cool/desireable/whatever. She might be seeing someone, or have her eye on someone else specific, or not be prepared to invest time in or expose herself to the potential dangers of a virtual stranger, and so on and so on, none of which have anything to do with you or your attractiveness.

 

Flirting is, after all, safe on both a physical and emotional level. Taking it beyond can feel unsafe--and it's that "unsafeness" that you're feeling, and unfortunately it's real. There is no safety guarantee--no way to tell the other person's underlying intent or future reaction from what is basically an ambiguous form of communication i.e. flirting. (In fact, the ambiguity is partly what defines it as flirting--oh, darn.)

 

The best thing you can do to prevent unwanted awkwardness or embarrassment is to keep things light (on the surface, anyway--what you're feeling inside can be a whole different matter, but no one else needs to know that). You may even feel more secure if you can come up in advance with a lighthearted reply to use in the event you issue an invitation that is declined--something that maintains the "keeping it light" thing. (Maybe something along the lines of, "Well, hey, nothing ventured and all... So, how about them Green Bay Packers?" or "Well, you were just too good to resist trying " and then on to other things.) That way, the other person doesn't think they've devastated you and you'll be able to keep talking and joking as always without anyone feeling permanently awkward. (By the way, the reason vacation romances start up so easily is because there's so little risk of future awkwardness among people you'll probably never run into again.)

[velvette]

I'm only telling you to look more carefully at yourself instead of focusing on how women act because YOU are the only thing under your control.

 

to be honest, it's never clear-cut. your girlfriend may have just said that. my boyfriend does too. sometimes I just have to say, I made a new guy friend! and he'll "know" the guy friend likes me and wants to be more than friends because "guys know these things". sound familiar??

 

he does turn out to be right very often, because he errs on the side of 'safety' (I'm thinking your ex did this too). assume the other person likes your SO, tell your SO to stay away, less temptation all around. don't believe her too much when she says 'girls know this', because nobody 'knows' how other people should act, even if they are related in gender.

[SunniDee]

Me personally...I'm naturally flirty. I guess I don't even realize it half the time. but if I like a guy, then I usually tend to be more shy around him and sometimes unintentionally ignore him. Once I get to know him more, I will seek him out to chat more, look at him a lot when I think he isn't looking, etc. Basically, focusing on him more than any other guys I'm cool with.

[pinkelephant]

I'm only telling you to look more carefully at yourself instead of focusing on how women act because YOU are the only thing under your control.

 

to be honest, it's never clear-cut. your girlfriend may have just said that. my boyfriend does too. sometimes I just have to say, I made a new guy friend! and he'll "know" the guy friend likes me and wants to be more than friends because "guys know these things". sound familiar??

 

he does turn out to be right very often, because he errs on the side of 'safety' (I'm thinking your ex did this too). assume the other person likes your SO, tell your SO to stay away, less temptation all around. don't believe her too much when she says 'girls know this', because nobody 'knows' how other people should act, even if they are related in gender.

 

well, i don't think it's as simple as she was being safe... but there are somethings you just know without knowing exactly what it actually is/knowing how to describe it. girls used to fawn all over my bf, but he was completely oblivious... in some instances, i can tell him exactly what makes it obvious but girls tend to be subtler, esp when i'm standing right there. the way she looks at him can usually just give it away. depending on the girl, it could be the shyness or a certain expression on her face... you just know. i'm amazing at telling whether other people are interested in others... not so much when it comes to myself though. lol. humans are complex, more often than not, you can just get the vibe from them... but they don't all do the same sort of things. girls don't play with their hair or whatever, like the textbooks say.