Success Story but not what I wanted

[user1988]

I know a lot of people come here looking for hope and I do so myself, many of you think it's the end and things look impossible so let me share this story of mine.

 

When I was in high school I met my first love, for me that was my first time ever loving anyone but for him he was still recovering from a painful breakup. This guy was no prince charming I'll tell you that, he was a jerk to his friends and all my friends disapproved of this relationship but I blindly wanted to believe I could change him. Month after month on the 17th he would remind me that it would've been his and so-and-so's xx anniversary, that should've done it right? No, I continued to stay and things got a little better with little mention of his ex and we were happy for the most part.

 

Fast forward to college, 11 months into our relationship he couldn't handle the pressure of his parents anymore (they hated the fact that he was with me and he kept me a secret from them but they found out anyways), his parents were the type that thought no girl was good enough unless they were of the same ethnicity. So we broke up for a day just to be back together for another 3 months. Things went to hell then, he broke up with me around Valentine's day and I found out he had been seeing another girl behind my back and only made it official after our breakup. He denies cheating on me with the explanation that it was long over, that's a bunch of bull * * * * if you ask me. This girl couldn't stand him either, it only lasted maybe 2 weeks and then she blocked him off of facebook and aim (I still had all his pws).

 

He came back and we started a FWBs relationship that I thought would turn into something more, how naive. When summer hit he got a job accross from where his first ex works, I knew then and there that they would resume communication and this was validated through his emails. It got to the point where I even caught them at a movie theater together and then later he had the nerve to tell me it didn't happen. So this was where NC started, it lasted 3 weeks before he caved in and contacted me over IM, I ignored it. I ignored him for 3 months and it felt good. After some mistaken on my part I had to contact him to get something back that was wrongly shipped to him for me. That opened the door to communication and he asked to hang out, I agreed. During that month the ball was in my court, he did everything I told him to do. He claimed to have broken up with his ex to be "friends" with me. Again that's all bull * * * * , this lasted until April of 2008 when he officially asked to be in a relationship again. I agreed but the same * * * * continued, he never grew up and the more I denied sex the more angry he got. I never slept with him during our whole 2.5 yrs on and off together, my instincts told me not to and I didn't.

 

From May to July I worked and worked hard at my job to forget all this and it worked, I no longer cared to hear from him. I hated the idea of him and slowly drifted away. One night at the movies with him he took away my phone and read my messages from a coworker who jokingly said he loves me. I was accused of being a cheater from someone who was a cheater himself, how funny. He continued to text me that night calling me a cheater and you know what? I didn't give a damn, I was so happy, not because it seemed like he was jealous but because I no longer cared.

 

In September I began a new relationship with someone else and here comes the ex, begging to see me claiming we're just friends why can't we hang out and blah blah. He called me 20-30x a day, texted me all the time and emailed not one but all 5 of my emails. It got to the point where I blocked his number and ignored everything about him.

 

So you can say yes I got him back but did I want him back after what he put me through? NO

 

However, because of the infidelity on his part I learned that until today it still haunts me and caused me not to trust my boyfriend. The damage that has been done is so great that I can't trust the one person who loves me and that caused the break in our relationship. My boyfriend and I currently are on a break because of my trust issues and yes I do want him to come back because I know he's different from my ex. I guess the point of this whole post is success stories really aren't that rare but the pain and suffering from the breakup can damage you emotionally more than you think.

 

I wish I could've done things differently with the relationship I have now and trusted him and not hold him responsible for things that my ex did. I hope one day he can forgive me, he tells me he just wants to forget our relationship despite the good times. Right now I'm starting over with NC, this will be my 3rd attempt this month. Sigh. Good luck to all.

[DN]

Have you explained to your most recent boyfriend what happened in as much detail as you have in this post?

[HeartGoesOn]

This may not apply to everyone, but I feel that once someone has cheated on you, there's no going back.

 

Just my opinion...

[user1988]

Have you explained to your most recent boyfriend what happened in as much detail as you have in this post?

 

He's at a stage where he doesn't want to hear anything because this isn't the first time I accused him of something he didn't do.

[XxJustMexX]

Yeah. I've been there. (And you can probably say I'm still there!)

 

I too have major trust issues with guys. The guy I'm "with" (long story short, we're on a "break"...) is the only guy I can trust completely, and that is the one positive thing in that relationship that I love. I'm trying to date again and see what's out there but I can't seem to trust anyone.

 

My ex from almost 10 years ago cheated on me with 3 girls (one was my best friend) and even though my next two long term relationships were no problem (I trusted them both cheating-wise), after I started trying to date right now, I've been having trust issues! I think there was a 10 year delay in reaction to my ex! lol. I think it also has to do a lot with one of my best guy friends I was close to having a relationship with this year and he'd lied to me too, so that strengthened the distrust I already have in men...

 

I usually trust people first, and they lose it, rather than the way it should be (they earn it from the beginning)... but it seems recently once I get a feeling of getting screwed over I get really untrusting real quickly... *sigh*

[DN]

He's at a stage where he doesn't want to hear anything because this isn't the first time I accused him of something he didn't do.

I think you should send him your first post, suitably edited, in a letter and let him read it without any pressure of a call or immediate need to reply.

 

By a letter i mean a handwritten letter sent by snail-mail. Texts and e-mails are too easy to delete - people are less likely to throw away a letter and they very often will read and re-read it - sometimes it can bring a fresh perspective.

[user1988]

I think you should send him your first post, suitably edited, in a letter and let him read it without any pressure of a call or immediate need to reply.

 

By a letter i mean a handwritten letter sent by snail-mail. Texts and e-mails are too easy to delete - people are less likely to throw away a letter and they very often will read and re-read it - sometimes it can bring a fresh perspective.

 

He already knows about all of this just not in as much details, the problem with this is it no longer just involves me and him but his reputation is at stake. I don't think I'll go into details about this here but to sum it up he's being reminded of this everyday whenever he steps into a hospital (he's a surgeon, and no I didn't chase after him because of his status he's the one that fought to be with me).

[DN]

OK - I just think it is is a shame to give up without more of a fight but if you are absolutely sure you have done all you can then you are the best judge of that - I hope.

[Honey610]

I had a situation very similar to yours... one of my exes cheated on me all throughout our relationship. I lost my virginity to him and we had discussed marriage and what not. Anyway, I ended up finding out in the most weirdest of ways and it has affected my relationships tremendously.

 

My last boyfriend whom I cared for very much was a wonderful guy, more than I could ask for. And initially, I was super guarded because I didn't want to get hurt again. I did tell him about my past initially and he knew I had trust issues. However, into the relationship he became less affectionate and my paranoia started to sink in. I never accused him of anything or even thought he was cheating but I became worried that his feelings had changed and tried to talk to him about it, but he didn't want to discuss it.

 

I tried to bring it up only a few times as to why he may be acting differently but he just blew up at me and said that he felt I was making him pay for my exes mistakes. He never mentioned any of this to me and I didn't even know how I was doing that. Maybe because I was trying to talk to him and see if anything has changed?

 

I have been doing NC pretty much ever since we broke up except for an email I sent trying to hash things out but it's been very difficult. I totally understand what you're going through...

 

I don't know how long you guys have been broken up. But I guess the only thing you can do is give him space and let everything resonate. Also, DN's suggestion is a good idea.

 

Good luck

[user1988]

OK - I just think it is is a shame to give up without more of a fight but if you are absolutely sure you have done all you can then you are the best judge of that - I hope.

 

I've tried talking to him, reasoning with him and then I got NC for about a week before I give in and have the same talk with him. I'm surprised he even picks up the phone to talk to me when he tells me he wants to forget about all this.

[DN]

I'm surprised he even picks up the phone to talk to me when he tells me he wants to forget about all this.

I'm not - it reinforces my opinion.

[user1988]

I'm not - it reinforces my opinion.

 

Last I talked to him was yesterday, I called but blocked my number because I knew he would never in a million years pick up and I did this because I believed if he doesn't pick up then NC was meant to continue but he did. The conversation was weird to say the least, he picked up without saying hi just went straight to say "hey baby" and I kept testing him to see if he really knew who was on the other line, I kind of thought he got a new gf but he kept joking around and asking me if i was testing him and finally said my name. Well conversation continued and the relationship was brought up, he said he can't imagine being with me, told me we're not meant for each other and being back with me would be going against his instinct. It ended with an advice from him and I quote "I advice you not to piss me off otherwise I won't deal with you anymore."

 

This is why I don't think I should send him a letter of any kind right now, but maybe you can tell me otherwise?

[DN]

Well conversation continued and the relationship was brought up, he said he can't imagine being with me, told me we're not meant for each other and being back with me would be going against his instinct. It ended with an advice from him and I quote "I advice you not to piss me off otherwise I won't deal with you anymore."

 

Yeah, OK. That seems very unequivocal. But keep the letter in your back pocket in case he contacts you in the near future.

[user1988]

Yeah, OK. That seems very unequivocal. But keep the letter in your back pocket in case he contacts you in the near future.

 

My gut instinct tells me it's not over but unfortunately his actions prove otherwise. Not sure what to think right now, if he wanted to forget this relationship then why pick up and start the conversation the way he did?

[XxJustMexX]

My gut instinct tells me it's not over but unfortunately his actions prove otherwise. Not sure what to think right now, if he wanted to forget this relationship then why pick up and start the conversation the way he did?

 

Seems he thought you were someone else. Then by the time he realized it was you, he tried to play it off like he knew it was you so he wouldn't look stupid... That's why he went on to explain how it was over...

[DN]

Not sure what to think right now, if he wanted to forget this relationship then why pick up and start the conversation the way he did?

That is what I think. His actions aren't exactly in sync with his words.

[user1988]

Seems he thought you were someone else. Then by the time he realized it was you, he tried to play it off like he knew it was you so he wouldn't look stupid... That's why he went on to explain how it was over...

 

Trust me if he thought I was someone else he would've never answered with "hey baby," his phone is used to contact patients and the hospital. He would've looked like a fool if it was anyone else.

[user1988]

That is what I think. His actions aren't exactly in sync with his words.

 

This is the first time though, it's just this time I forced the break up from his mouth. Knowing him he wouldn't have brought it up if I had given him space to think things through like our last fight. The problem all stems from lack of communication, whenever we get back together the issues were never resolved, we just picked up from where we left off like nothing ever happened. It almost seems like he plans these break ups because they occur every 3 months. We started dating in September, fought in Dec then March, then end of may/early june. What are the chances of that?

[DN]

Well, if you do get back together it would be a good time to break the cycle and start communicating properly. That is why I suggested sending a letter essentially saying what you did in the first post.

[user1988]

Well, if you do get back together it would be a good time to break the cycle and start communicating properly. That is why I suggested sending a letter essentially saying what you did in the first post.

 

That's what I'm hoping but sometimes the dumper takes so much time and by the time they come around I no longer care. Right now I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. Some days are good and others make me feel a bit bipolar.