I want her back, I need advice, and a plan

[johnnyhala]

Hello, my name is John. I'm 23 years old living in Panana City, FL. My girlfriend, "Heather," recently broke up with me, and I want to get her back. I genuinely feel that we are the best thing to happen to each other and she has made a mistake. I want her back. I do not want to look back a year from now and realize I blew it by doing something wrong. I need advise and a structured plan. I need help.

 

I feel that in order for anyone here to give me advice I need to explain my situation first because every situation is different. Heather and I had been going out for approximately 1 year and 2 months although we had known each other from approximately 2.5 years and had been friends for 1 year before we got together. While I was her friend, I helped her with a bad break-up with a younger man who she had gotten together with here in Panama City but was on student visa and was forced to move back to Sweden, she maintained contact with him and had gone to see him once in their year long or so relationship for a month. She had been having a lot of trouble with him because he was incredibly emotionally disturbed, needy and jealous and I was her best friend and crying shoulder. We would see each other in school (we both attended the same school at the same university and had many of the same classes except she was a year behind me, so I was also able to offer her advice on things I had already been through) every day or so. Eventually she dumped the guy and as I suspected, but was not entirely sure of, we were officially an item not longer after that. I tell anyone listening all this because maybe some clues as the to the right approach can be found in how it all started.

 

From then we had to go through a rough summer semester when I was taking classes 2 hours away from Panama City in Tallahassee and she was not. We would take turns going to see each other and the time we spent together was definitely quality. Because we were going to school together in Tallahassee, this past school year for 2008/2009 we practically lived together at my place since I had my own place despite the fact that she rented as well but had roommates. We were quite happy being cramped together in my cruddy little 1 bed 1 bath place. When the semester was over we both moved back to Panama City and spent every 3rd day or so together for about a month before we had to start working 40 hours or more a week. I also think it's worth mentioning that since when out of school we do live with our parents, the very few intimate encounters we had had I would call "healthy." Despite that we were both working approximately the same hours during the day (9-6ish) our days off did not always match and we were both very tired after working and when we do see each other it's only been 1 afternoon a week. I would not be going back to school with her in the fall and she really seemed ok with that. In fact, even though we were living in the same city and could see each other whenever we wanted, we eventually decided that the fall semester could not come soon enough, because the lack of privacy was unbearable. I would also be taking a full year off and we would both begin Master's Classes together the year afterwards. Anyway, a week and a half ago, I text her, tell her I miss her and can't wait to see her Monday,Sunday, the day before, I get a text: "Hey, we need to talk, it's not good so be sure you're alone and sitting down. We need to break-up for awhile because I need time to figure out why I don't feel about you the way I used to." So I immediately call her back and very stoicly she says that she hasn't been feeling the same about us for awhile (I don't know how long and she didn't say, but thinking back, judging by how she's been acting, I would say it's been since we both started working, I think I attributed it at the time to just fatigue from working) and that she didn't think it was fair to lead me on. I was completely shocked but tried to ask some questions that I could manage to come up with. I asked if there was someone else, she said no, but she wanted to be free to date other people if someone came along. I asked her if she had talked to anyone else about it and she said her brother who could kind of understand her reasons, and her grandmother, who could not (her family loves me by the way). I told her that I would leave her alone and give the time she needs and that I wouldn't call, she said I would, but she didn't have to answer, and then we parted ways. (I said, "I love you," the way we ended every call, she said, "I know." -click-)

 

The next day. I layed out how a message I would send her that night on the phone calmly, respectfully, and logically that explained why I had acted the way I had over the past month. I believed that the reason waining interest because of detachment on my part due to work related stress. She works at a semi-outdoor Grille on the beach at a tourist destination, with other young people (one reason I think it might be someone else whether she realizes it yet or not, I'm getting there) while I work at call center for a financial company. Healthy phone conversations have always been a big part of our relationship while we're not together but over the past month when we have been working I have been very distant and detached on the phone, not in person, but on the phone, but I don't think she knew how to deal with it. I explained to her the truth. The truth was that while she really liked her job and had great stories to tell every day practically, I hated mine, but it paid better and would feature overtime opportunities during peak and we both have financial issues we need to responsible about and take care of while we can. My job is the same thing day after day, has been very hard on me starting out, and I did not have any positive things to say, so rather than dumping on her, I told her very little. This is made worse by the fact that I am on the phone with customers 8 hours a day, and generally the last thing I wanted to do was talk on the phone, to anyone, unfortuneately that included her. I had to explain this to her once or twice because she seemed hurt that I needed to not talk and I thought we were ok on that point. Now, I know we weren't. Once, she kept talking and I was exceptionally tired, I told her that I was very tired, that I had tried a few times to end the conversation, and that I was hanging up now, goodbye, I was a little angry and had said it sternly. I've never been harsh with her and it absolutely hurt her. She texted me saying that she wasn't sure if things were going to work and that maybe she would break up, I called her back and we talked for a long time with a lot of apologizing on my part for being mad at her and for the base situation of me hanging up on her (for which I and my friends don't believe I was in the wrong at all, but oh well) I thought things were fine. I explained to her that I thought I was doing it for her own good (why I was distant) and how we had both established that we acknowledged on many occasions that this summer would be hard on us but never did we (I?) question whether we would be ok or not. I told her that over the past month I had needed help while she was excelling and that responsible people would work through issues and that I was asking her to do that, to open her heart and remember how I had always been her crying shoulder and her champion whenever she had had a fight with someone in her family or a problem with her teacher. I told her that I would agree that the relationship had been under strain recently but I felt like breaking up was a mistake. I ended by telling her I would give her the time she needed.

 

So I waited 2 hours, expecting to listen to the messages, and get back to me with some kind of response, I know she wasn't at work and was probably sitting around doing nothing important in her home, when 2 hours went by and nothing happened, I lost it. It was the worst half-hour of my life, and I called her back and left 2 more messages not begging and pleading but rather completely sorry and spastically apologetic for the idea of any pain I put her through. I also then in a completely hysterical fashion told her how we could put it all behind us and years from now we could be taking our little boy or girl to church and we could him/her how a long time ago daddy was an idiot and mommy had to scare him straight and we could laugh about it (we had a conversation not 3 weeks before about how much she wanted a baby). I ended it all with, get ready for it, "I still love you, I'll always love.... and you know that." -click-

 

So somehow, I was able to not talk to her for almost a whole week. The day before she dropped the bomb, I had moved out of my apartment in Tallahassee and I needed the key back from her. I told this to her when she had dropped the bomb only because it was fresh in my mind. I wanted to not have to pay the $50 fee to change the locks and also remain on good terms with my landlord. So when a week went by and I didn't get the key I messaged her with a simple. "I know we haven't talked for awhile, but I need to know if you mailed me that key yet." She replied with a multitude of sorries, and that her week was crazy and she would do it immediately. It seemed like a somewhat positive reaction so I invited her to a Pictionary night with my friends, the kind she loves, the kind we used to go to together. This may have been a bad idea. She said that honestly, she would love to, but she feared she would be barred from it due to the wrath of my friends and she thought it was too soon to (and then the message ended prematurely, which happens with her phone from time to time). At this point, I took it as an opportunity to call her. She said "Hey" with a tone in her voice that she would use when she's done something she's afraid I would be unhappy with, or that she's sorry about. I think we both mutually agreed to not talk about the break-up and instead we talked like we used, like friends. She told me about her time at work and was more than happy to do so. I was more than happy to listen no matter what she had to say. At one point, she said she was very glad that we could still be friends. I quickly pulled the dagger out of my heart that had just been patched up enough to function with kite string and duct tape over the past few days. About a week before she broke it off, she said she had gone out with some of her new friends from work and it had been a good time and she would have loved if I had been there, I was a little jealous at the time but more than that I was happy for her because she doesn't have very many friends to be honest whereas I still remain on good terms with many people I went to high school with. On the phone though, she had mentioned she had gone out as friends with two guys she works with that she has described as friends but now I'm afraid it will become something more if it hasn't already. To her credit though, she has ALWAYS been more friendly with guys than girls and this sounded like a case of that. I somewhat playfully and innocently asked her if she had listened to the messages I had sent her. She said she had listened to 3 (6 were rational, logical, and pre-planned (in outline form no less) but the final 3 of that 6 I was choking up, the 2 I sent later were hysterical apologies and regret over what I believed had been the cause of the break-up) and she said that she could tell her if she listened to the rest it would break her heart, so she stopped after three. I told her that it might be best if she just deleted the rest, she said she would listen to them eventually, I said that on second thought, they belong to her now, and she can do with them what she wants. We parted on good terms, but not the terms I would like. That was Saturday, and the last time we contacted each other.

 

So, I need help. She's not perfect, and neither am I, but I do believe that we are a very good match and if you asked her months ago, she would have gone beyond that description. What I'm here for is to get some advice on what's going on, and most importantly, how I can get her back, get her to come back, win her back, whatever. I need to know what I need to do, if I'm going about things the right way, which currently is no way, since a no-contact policy seems to be the general consensus and I don't want to screw up further. What have I done right, and what have I done wrong? If I've done something wrong, since or before the break-up, how can I fix it?

 

The general consensus seems to be 2 things: No-contact/be scarce and make her wonder where you are and what you're doing, and 2) Be the man that she fell in love with. Well, I was her friend! If she wants us to be friends I can tell you right now I can't do it, not for long, it would slowly kill me, I know because I've done it once before with her, and once a long time ago with another girl. Since I believe the problems arose because of miscalculated dettachment, I think the chasing her might be the correct action here to prove I'm sorry, but if that's not the reason then I could appear just as desperate as her other boyfriends and then she'll know she made the right decision. These two courses of action depend entirely on why she decided to do this in the first place, and I'm not even sure! So how can I find out without breaking No-contact? I don't see a way. I don't even know if these are good plans. Another thing is that, in the past, she has cold turkey cut off boyfriends in the past, "We're done, don't call, don't anything." She had told me long before that I was easily the most mature person she had ever gone out with and that I was very different from her past boyfriends. Which is why her initial message and subsequent actions are so puzzling. She didn't say break-up period, she wanted time apart to figure out why she didn't feel about me the same way she used to. Which means that she doesn't love me anymore, she doesn't understand why, and she doesn't like it, and wishes she did. Since then however, she's been telling people that we've broken up, that seems like a bad sign to me, but it may just be a casual term to her (break-up that is). I don't know whether the "time apart" reason was letting me down easy and that I'm reading too far into it and registering false hope or if that's really a door she has left open. Also, since we appear to be on good speaking terms, do I ask her to delete my hysterical calls, which were pleading for forgiveness, and let it be. RIght now I still love her very much, but I'm very lost and confused, but I'm also a little angry for her hurting me like this, but I can forgive her. But if she thinks it would have broken her heart I want her to just taste a little of what she did to me, and how much it hurt. Another thing is that on the week later friendly call she said that her family has been weird toward her recently because they do not understand her decision and they all really liked me (she had told me in the past they didn't like any of her previous boyfriends) and have been giving her a hard time about it. I don't want their occasional pressing to reflect badly in her mind on me, so I'm considering calling them and telling them that I understand her decision and to lay off, but I also don't want her to forget about me with all her new friends while I'm practicing no contact and her family is too! My current biggest fear is that she now thinks I'm content to be friends after that last call and that is NOT what I want (or it might be a means to an end, since I was her best friend before her lover once before).

 

And that in a nutshell (joke) is the current state of affairs. I will be more than happy with any and all advice or clarification on the experience anyone is willing to volunteer.

 

Help me, help us.

 

John.

[bexcelant]

John,

 

The words don't really matter. When you're flying an airplane and it's about to crash into a mountain, do you think you are going to do everything right? No you won't. You know that and she knows that.

 

What is important is what your relationship was like over the long haul. Did you have happy times and good times, have you built up a solid foundation of friendship and trust? Do you enjoy each other company in general? Don't think about what's going on now.

 

The bottom line in every relationship is watch what they do, not what they say. In your case, I would advise a light touch. Pull back maybe not all the way but you have to make yourself scarce. She will not forget you. I don't know if you'll get her back. Nobody knows the answer to that. If I were you, work out, go out with friends, take some coffee dates with some new girls but don't sit at home revisiting this in your head over and over again. Either you or her can touch base again when you're both ready. How long this is, is up to you.

[Xplode]

ok my friend, sounds like you have in in for her pretty bad, like she is the epi centre of your universe. - now whilst a relationship is working that is great. but now that its not together, you feel like your life is falling aparat. not talking for 24hours is tearing yo apart. i get that i was the same. my advice llies with in this.

 

there is no strategy. there is no magic answer. its as simple as this. (the more u pursure her, the more she is going to resent you for it.) leave it well enough alone. let her be alone. because u no how u felt when she didnt answer. ur messages. u need her to feel that. so just give it space.

 

now here is not a strategy but here is a life thought for you.

 

you assumed that you knew she was at home doing nothing. and drove yourself crazy about it. (its a very bad habit). now here is how i dealt with that. treat your thoughts like a court case.. if you dont have enough evidence to prove the thought. eg. that she was at home. (she might have blown a tire and not got home on time.) then dont assume you know. that wouldnt pass in a court case. unless you can prove a thought 100% then its ether irrelevant and not worth more time thinking about.

 

Regards

X-

[johnnyhala]

Thank you both for your replies. I have one question. Since we are on good speaking terms, should I respectfully ask that she delete the messages I sent when my heart was breaking? Keep in mind it's been it's been a week and a half and she hasn't listened to them as of Saturday.

[johnnyhala]

Also, I have my theories, obviously, but I think how I proceed really depends on why she broke up with me. Can I call her and ask her why or like xplode said, just leave it alone.