EXGF has coldfeet! The end of the road.

[craigblitz]

Sounds good.... I personally think it is a great thing that she called and she talked about the writings.. see it is on her mind.... she is figuring things out.... slow to your pace.... and good at her pace.....

[shockeddismayed]

Boiled Over...

 

I'll post this as a lesson of what not to do.

 

On Wednesday I got a letter from the EX. Basically 4 pages summarizing where she is in her process... It was generally very positive. She summarized what we could both do to work this out... and she was starting to realize how some of her actions led to this. Hearing her take on some of the blame for things really lifted a weight on my shoulders. She closed by saying she was "slowly getting her voice back".

 

So I was feeling very good about things. I felt it was inevitable that if I was patient and played my cards right, we'd be back together and working on things in a matter of days or weeks.

 

I called her on Thursday to tell her I'd received her letter, and that reading it really made me feel a lot better about things.... that I understood where she was coming from etc. This was met very positively by her, but then she said she'd been feeling really tired mentally since writing the letter and didn't think we should see each other for a while. Basically she said she thought that she shouldn't start working on this with me yet b/c she didn't feel totally healed from the situation. I didn't respond to this well. We argued about it,... me trying to say that I want to be there working together... that that is what a mature couple would do... that I don't want to stand in her way, but that after all this time, she needs to be willing to try. She said she understood, but said she was worried about leading me on, that she felt herself hot and cold on trying again. She told me that 50% of the time she knows we can work this out, but 50% of the time she gets worried that we won't get past our issues. She was worried about stringing me along if she eventually chickens out.

 

I told her it was rediculous that she can't even bring herself to try for something she cares about... and that it made me feel terrible that she is still willing to risk losing me... Anyway by the end of the conversation I was so frustrated that I told her she'd had enough time to sort herself out, and that it was clear to me that she'd never make a decision so I told her I'd decide for her... that she shouldn't bother contacting me again cuz I was through waiting for her.

 

To make matters even worse, after hanging up the phone, I was supposed to be going to a party. So I went... still steaming inside from our falling out. I ended up drinking way too much and called her late last night at her cottage. Her brother picked up and wouldn't let me speak to her... I got angry b/c I've done so much for that kid and so I called back. When she picked up, I made quite a scene, wanting to get her brother on the phone to give him a piece of my mind. She wouldnt give the phone to him so I accused her of vilainizing me with her family. Although I told her I loved her I basically accused her of not valuing me, using me to build her own confidence up and then casting me aside... and several other hurtful things. Truth is I'm not even sure all of what I said.

 

The funny thing is, I can't decide whether I should even bother apologizing... I've already told her I wouldn't be speaking to her again... and although I don't actually believe all of the things I said to her are true, I have felt those things. I'm confused. I feel terrible for making a huge scene... terrible for calling drunk... but I also feel lighter having got some of that stuff off my chest.

 

I can't believe I spent 4 months making it easy for her to come back... and one day making it impossible by reinforcing for her that she is right that we may not be able to recover from the injuries we've given to each other.

 

If you want them back... do not do as I did.

[Mun]

They say drunks and children are the only ones who tell the absolute truth.

I think she needs more time and less attention from you right now. It looked so promising.. I wonder what is holding her back??!

 

Be strong

[Scout]

Ok, let's take a deep breath here. Before you get too hard on yourself, re-think this a bit. YOU ARE RIGHT - YOU HAVE GIVEN HER FOUR LONG MONTHS TO FIND HERSELF AND TO FIGURE OUT WHAT SHE WANTS. That was an amazing accomplishment of honest love and patience on your part! And just when it all seems it's about to pay off...she waffles again. Shocked, your reaction was entirely understandable, whether it was "right" or "wrong". This has been an incredibly frustrating situation for you.

 

Right now, accept your anger and frustration, and don't start making excuses for them - or her. Give yourself some time to deal with this before you make any more moves.

 

I'm sorry. I know you're very upset right now, as you should be. Just ride it out, and don't make any sudden decisions for a few days. Keep us posted, vent here as much as you need to.

[shockeddismayed]

Thank you both.

 

I don't think I'll call to apologize. Now that my hangover is subsiding I realized that we must have had quite a conversation... I remember semi-calmly explaining a whole lot of how I felt about things. I was able to remember this cuz after our first call yesterday I'd sent her an email. When I re-read it just now I remembered telling her most of it last night.... so she'll get a chance to read the more genuine parts of what was said last night.

 

One of the things that was discussed was that I felt her distancing herself from the relationship.... reminded her that she'd threatened to break up with me last summer, as well as a few other comments she'd done since then that really caused me to begin to resent the way she was treating me. I didn't realize this until the last few weeks. Anyway, when I mentioned these things last night she was surprised... she said she didn't remember saying or doing any of those things, but she eventually believed me. I think that will startle her... that she said these things to me, even threatened to break up with me without even knowing she'd done it. It's almost freaky.

 

Anyway you guys are right... I am on complete NC. No picking up the phone. Although there is a part of me that says "pick up the first call... you need to apologize to her for calling her a selfish leetch." But maybe I don't even owe her that much..... I need to think about it.

 

I do feel a bit guilty for totally flying off the handle though. I'm sure I woke up half the neighbourhood.

 

Muneca... you asked what is holding her back. I asked her that... what she said was that she just doesn't feel healed yet. Whenever she sees me (like our dates) she feels strongly for me, but that the next day she feels emotionally drained. She said once she started to recognize this, she realized that if we tried right now, it wouldn't be fair to me... that she knows she'd end up pissing me off (with her waffling) to the point where I wouldn't take her back anymore... and that she'd end up ruining the progress we'd made.

 

I essentially told her she'd already ruined it.

[saltwatergirl]

I have to agree with sn0man. Do NOT consider coffee with ex. You will destroy any hope you have of rekindling this. Trust me.

 

Salt

[Mun]

Shocked I think you need to cut her off completely for at least 6 weeks. She seems to have all the right feelings, but no real sense of what she wants. Go away from her. Let her be alone. Give her lots of space and in the meanwhile go on with your life. Do not return calls, do not return texts. Totally let her go.

 

Sometimes when we don't get the right results it's time to go back to the drawing board.

Be strong

[kipster]

Shocked I think you need to cut her off completely for at least 6 weeks. She seems to have all the right feelings, but no real sense of what she wants. Go away from her. Let her be alone. Give her lots of space and in the meanwhile go on with your life. Do not return calls, do not return texts. Totally let her go.

 

Sometimes when we don't get the right results it's time to go back to the drawing board.

Be strong

 

I'm at this same point exactly now muneca. Can't say its working though, but for me I believe its the best way. I can't hold onto something that's acting in a manner likes it doesn't want to be held. So I agree. S&D, this may be just what your EX needs to see to KNOW that she has to get her S*it straight and step up to the plate. If she loves you she will return. But this limbo thing is probably going to hurt more in the long run, than it will help.

 

P

[Mun]

Kip you'll know it's working ( and that she cares) when she starts calling. Hang in there.

 

I know you've heard this before,: in the meanwhile go on. Do your own thing.

[shockeddismayed]

Thanks Muneca and Kipster.

 

I had planned on doing exactly that... in my mind, if she's going to come back and want to try, it would be within 4-6 weeks. I need the time to heal from her BS and to try to get her out of my mind again.

 

However I'm sure my drunken phonecall will peeve her off for a while, perhaps forever.

 

It's kinda fitting. What started all of this years ago was my short temper (just loud yelling in arguments, never anything more) when I was recovering from a serious concussion... and from my side, what caused my irritability with her was the feeling of her not totally giving in to the relationship... that whenever there was a rough patch (and in 7 years there will be) she'd seem to distance herself.

 

After 4 months of patience with her mixed messages it all spilled out the other night. I told her I was so angry with her indecision, and that I couldn't accept that she was STILL willing to risk losing me after all the progress we'd made.

 

I wonder if she will see the irony... she spends 4 months reinforcing my biggest complaint, and I spend one night showing her enough fiery anger that we both have what we would need to walk away for good.

 

I can't and won't take back how I feel, but I'm debating whether an apology for the way it was delivered; for calling drunk and for being so angry at her brother for hanging up on me is in order.

 

Is it better left without the apology? Would it make her think (falsely) that she still has time before I begin to completely move on?

 

She'll already get an email from me when she returns from her cottage. I sent it before going out the other night, and it basically summarizes (coherently) what I later brought up in my drunken phonecall.

 

Maybe I should just stop posting on this place for a few weeks... it seems to only lend itself to "getting her back" strategies, and second guessing myself.

[Fletch F. Fletch]

S&D,

 

Dont beat yourself up over this incident. As you and I have discussed, this finesse game is tough, especially when, in our mind, the problems are easliy fixable. The anger/resentment/frustration that you feel is justifiable, and it is tough to be patient for so long (feeling like a doormat as she takes her time). At some point action is required, and if she was unable to begin the heavy lifting, then you needed to let her know you were not going to be around forever (and you did that). While we dont know exactly what you said, your passion for her and for the two of you clearly came through her - and after a while she will realize this came from the heart. In some respects, this may be the wake-up call she needed - she has just lost you - the question remains how will she respond.

 

I agree with NC from here on out - let her make the next contact. If you want to apologize, then do so to her brother - but do so without involving him in the situation with the exgf.

 

Your story, opinions, and insights are appreciate on this board. But you have to do what you feel is best for you. Take Care.

[Scout]

Yeah, all I can say is the same thing, Shocky: I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide to do. Because at this point, there is no right or wrong. I just feel terrible you're having to go through all this frustration. I don't understand how she could still not have come to a decision yet by this time. But then, I'm not her, and I haven't experienced whatever it is she experienced in her relationship with you.

 

She's going to therapy, right? Any chance you two could go to a few sessions together? Just curious if either of you have thought about that.

[shockeddismayed]

Hi Guys

 

I really appreciate the support. It has been a really down few days.

 

I know she is feeling very badly too... she has to be. When I told her I couldn't continue holding the door open for her she cried and exploded saying "I can't believe you aren't even giving me two more weeks"... but when I asked her whether she thought that was all it would take, she realized that she knew it would take longer for her to give me the committment to effort that I needed.

 

She is actually going to her first session with a new counsellor this week. We'd talked about going together about a month ago, but she insisted she go alone first. I doubt very much whether she'd want me there at this point.

 

The crappy thing I am dealing with is that we were both getting to the same point. We were just coming at it from different sides. I knew I couldn't hold out much longer in limbo, and she knew it too. She said she wanted to give us BOTH time to heal... and I reacted to it quickly. She said that we could continue going like we are, but she knew that her constant rollercoaster would kill "us" and she worried about how her indecision would be building up resentment inside me.

 

Where we left that first conversation would have been fine... I'd turned the tables on her by saying "forget it, I deserve more" but it wasn't so terrible that she couldn't come back if she was 100% comitted, just that she would have to make ALL the effort and we both knew it.

 

However that drunken phonecall is what will be the end of the relationship. A few weeks ago she'd asked me to figure out what had made me upset in the relationship (we'd been focussing more on her), and with the booze, it all came tumbling out ... I feel especially terrible b\c I can't even remember what all I said. I remember all of the coherent parts where I was explaining my feelings calmly, but there was some kind of blow up at the end, and I don't know what was said.

 

I should know better...

 

After seeing the look on my room-mate's face the first time I saw her since the phonecall, I knew forsure that I'd messed up bigtime.

 

I wrote a two page letter today... apologizing for the drunk call... apologizing for any exaggerated emotions or hurtful comments.... but I didn't apologize for my feelings... I told her that I was sorry for the unproductive way that they came out, but that i couldn't apologize for having them. I also referred her back to the email I'd typed right after our first phonecall, saying that it gave a fairer representation of how I was feeling.

 

The rest of the letter re-explained something I'd badly bungled up in the call. In the phonecall we'd been talking about how I had given her so much support over the years (she agreed whole heartedly), but then I said that I felt like it was just a one way street... that she would leave the relationship with her esteem built up by me, and I would leave it the same or even worse off then when it started ( I started out as the strong one, which was why I was able to give so much to her over the years). I know this really hurt her. I think this is where I called her a selfish leetch.

 

With some sobriety over the weekend I realized that what I'd really wanted to say was that I knew she supported me, but that the type of support I got wasn't what I was looking for... since I didn't get what I was looking for, and the fact that she left me, made me feel that the support wasn't there even though it was.

 

Anyway... I know I am supposed to be on NC, but I just didn't feel good about the way things ended. If she want's to be mad, she should at least be mad for my honest thoughts, not the rantings of some liquoured up loser. I don't expect a response... I doubt she'll even be ready to read it for a while.

 

What a mess.

[Scout]

I would have written the letter, too. For the same reasons...yes, to try and do some kind of "damage control" (although I really think it's her "fault" damage control has to be done, because you're only human, how much indecision can you take) and also just to apologize because like you, I do regret losing my temper shortly afterwards, even if the other person provokes me.

 

Whether she responds to it or not is anyone's guess at this point. She hasn't responded decisively to much so far. Maybe the letter will galvanize her, maybe it won't. Again, more waiting for you.

 

Shocked, you're entitled to getting your own needs met, too. Please keep that in mind. Time will tell whether she is the woman who will be the one to meet them. But you must know that despite your "mistakes", you have made Herculean efforts to salvage this relationship, and in fact, to create something more mature and lasting. It honestly takes two for this to be accomplished, though. I hope she comes back to you, I really do. But I also hope you are prepared to start thinking about your own needs a little bit more, and to just try to let go at this point and let her step up to the plate and do the work she needs to do.

[shockeddismayed]

Thank you Scout.

 

I know I need to be sure that my needs are met. This past few weeks we had been switching from a focus on her needs to mine... I was steering it that way b/c I was sick of being in the hotseat.

 

She was meeting it very positively. In fact her last letter to me (the day before the explosion) was so positive. She repeated over and over how terrible she felt for doing things to hurt me... repeated over and over how she realized she had taken me for granted... etc, etc.

 

I was so happy to read all of that... it was a huge breakthrough, and I think that is why I was so reactive when she took her step back.... and I think the depth of her admission of guilt is the reason she felt "tired" after writing me that letter.

 

Some might say I over-reacted ( I have been worrying about it myself), but on the other hand, I was very close to being her doormat throughout all of this. It is such a fine line to tread to be supportive without giving up your own needs.

 

I left my last letter to her saying that I needed to "let this go" that I'd given her as much patience as I could at this point, and that if this ever worked out, it would be on the back of HER efforts for a change.... but that at this point she'd done quite a bit to convince me that it wasn't meant to be.

 

One thing that rings out in our first conversation (the sober one) was me telling her that I wanted her to know that this was the moment she would regret... and her breaking down and saying she knew it, but couldn't do anything about it without being unfair to me and potentially ruining things long-term with her indecision.

 

If all of that was just lip-service, I've heard the last from her... and thank God. If it wasn't lip-service then she will have to look past things and make the effort... thank God.

[Scout]

Keep repeating those last two sentences in your post to yourself like a mantra. It is essential you give yourself some peace now, if only for the next few weeks.

[craigblitz]

Well I have read and re-read things here. First we all feel bad when we are a bit drunk and speak out becasue we never fully remember what was said. Second, buddy you knew this was coming to a head, you have waited for over 4 months for her to make up her mind. You were not even asking for a firm commitment, just some sort of progress showing that you guys were moving ahead together.

 

I would have no doubt written the letter as well. At this point nothing is hidden, and as I have said before this stage is NOT a game. You put the ball all in her court and who knows what she will do when she realizes that you are not going to make the effort anymore. You are going to find out if this girl really loves you are not.

 

I am not saying this to be nice or be buddy buddy, look at the patience, understanding, you have put into this relationship to make it work. Man you can walk away with a clean and full heart.

 

It is time to take care of #1 and that is you. If/when she is ready she will find you, but at this point bro move on and have no regrets!!!!

[shockeddismayed]

Wow... I had to dig back ten pages to get this thread. That felt kinda nice actually!

 

So... if you need a refresher from "the event", check out my post on page 31.

 

Ok... so I get up this morning... today I am buying a car (my first ever!)... got a call at home last night at 9:30pm from my boss. I work in a start-up company (biotech) and he called to jump up and down about our latest results (we're trying to cure something)... I was thrilled since he and I founded the company 3 years ago... so much effort looks like it might pay off... I also got a flirty email from the EX-EX who is back in town in a few weeks. Life is looking up!

 

So I check my email todat at lunch. And I get a letter from EXGF. I have to say... that I don't know totally what to think about it. I have some fairly strong opinions, but I'd like to see what you guys think first.

 

Here it is:

***********************************

S&D,

 

Your drunken phone call did not give me "what I need to walk away from each other". It was not nice, but I knew you were drunk and upset. What is upsetting is that I was not able to communicate to you where I was at before you getting upset… that you were not taking me seriously, and that you weren't getting it.

 

I had not been waffling. I was getting there and using my time wisely. I barely sputtered out the words "I need more time". Just before your call July 1, I had gone to visit (her friend) and (friend's husband/my friend). Let me tell you what happened. There they were with a f-ing baby in their hands, and they were still going back and forth, arguing over who was more stubborn. Husband was going on to me and my mom about how Wife took forever to mention his kids to her parents, he is still resentful. I guess as long as the feeling is there, you can continue to find examples of it. Wife had to remind him that she knew her parents best and knew what she had to do, blah blah… The thing that came to me - because they reminded me of us - was: I do not want that for myself in a couple. I really don't. It is human nature to require way more ongoing 'building of esteem' and support from our partner for practically our whole lives. Given the job I'm going to have which drains me emotionally, given what I need, I can't live in a relationship like that. I felt tired after leaving their house, and just thought to myself I need more time, more distance from how S&D (she used my name in 3rd person here) and I interact if I were to have a fresh start. Our feelings are very intense and they lead either to very close or very polarized interactions, and there is no need for blame really, it is just draining. So yeah, we handled our talk really well before the july long weekend, and there is potential for us to change our ways. But one thing didn't get accross: I was serious when I said I need to create more distance from it.

 

I understand that you need to do what you have to do to take care of yourself. But I can't or couldn't change my feelings that quickly, I need to deal with them. If you love me, you would give me time.

 

I'm slow, and my style is to retreat and make sure I'm grounded in myself before moving on. I need to do this. I feel like I have become way more of a push over than I can accept about myself. I don't like myself like that. Examples aren't necessary, you should know what I'm talking about. I did put your issues, and others issues ahead of mine, but I had been putting myself first the last couple of months. There are consequences to being a way that you can't be, whether you think you can push it aside or not. If I did give up at times on the relationship it was because we were stuck, before your depression. It takes time to deal with those consequences.

 

Back to the phone-call: I felt pressure from you to do things a certain way, whether or not my assumptions were right (either be together for the long weekend, which is what I believe you wanted to do, or work through things now as a couple because my time was up), but I also couldn't tell you what I needed. I believe if I had done that and you took what I was saying seriously, you would not have written the letter you did. It was mean.

 

EXGF

 

*********

 

PS: I don't know what letter she is talking about... I sent an email on July 1 that talked about my frustration with her indecision. I also sent my apology letter a few days later which explained my feelings (the gist of it I posted a few pages back). I'm not sure to which or to what she is referring.

[craigblitz]

Hmmmmm I am not sure..... My god, that was an odd email?? I think it was cool that she undertood the drunk call so that you can right that off your mind now. As far as the letter being mean?? I am not 100% sure what you wrote in the letter, but if you were honest about your feelings do not regret it. I still think someday she wants to work things out, it was almost like she was coming out and asking you to wait for her... did anyone else get that impression.

 

I think you should keep on doing what you are doing and givie her time. Man I am sorry I am not better at this bro. At the same time be glad she took the time to write and explain where she is at.. even though it still sounds she has no idea...

 

Good Luck

[Mun]

Hi S&D,

It sounds to me ( and I'm sorry but I did not read page 31) that your ex is really wanting to work on herself at this point. I think she sees your relationship realisticly and wants the best out of it. For some reason she thinks that the both of you might get caught up in all the drama around the relationship and end up hurting each other.

 

It also sounds to me like she thinks that right now she is not where she wants to be and she wants to have that in place before she can be more committed. I don't think it has to do with whether or not she loves you. That is not in question here. It is more about the two of you becoming WHOLE persons before coming together. In other words, tying all the loose ends and dotting all the i's.

 

She sounds like a very intelligent and grounded girl. All she is asking for is more time to get her head on straight and her life in order. I would commend her on that.

 

I do think I know how you feel though. While she is doing her "soul searching" you feel abandoned. If you tell her, or if you have told her, it will just add to the load she is already carrying. Hang in there.

 

Anyone else have something to add? or different opinion?

[Scout]

Shocked, my take on this is not going to be very kind towards your ex. Here goes:

 

I found the whole email as vague and perplexing as her general behavior since the break-up. There was no real point being made. Again, this email leaves you just as confused as the rest of her actions. Couldn't help but notice how many sentences in the email started with "I"...was ALL about her and really didn't address any of the stress this drawn out mess has caused you.

 

She strikes me as a passive-aggressive type who thinks she's put upon and a giver, when in reality, her mixed messages usually create such confusion on the part of her partner, she ends up in the driver's seat. Did not like the way she ended the email at all...trying to make you feel guilty for being justifiably impatient with yes, her WAFFLING.

 

I also think she damn well knows all of the above, or she wouldn't be throwing another bone your way now...your silence over the last couple of weeks has probably alarmed her, you're not playing into her passive aggressive game...

 

If I was you, I would wait at least a week before responding, and even then it would just be a short email saying "I'm sorry it took me so long to respond to this email. To be honest, the reason is because I have no idea what to say in response to it...I really don't understand what points you're trying to make here. Hope all is well with you; take care."

 

I'm sure you'll be more generous than I would be, though.

[Fletch F. Fletch]

S&D,

 

First of all, thanks for sharing the letter. I think that it gives a good view into the mind of the female "dumper" and what is on her mind.

 

Second, HOLY SCHNIKE's you weren't kidding when you site the parallels between your situation and mind. I heard my EXGF's voice saying the words as I read your letter. Because it struck home to me, I think that I have read it 10 times now. So here's my read:

 

You have pegged your situation in your summaries and advice quite accurately. She needed more time to get herself and emotional/mental state in order before she put 100% into the reconciliation. As you have so aptly advised me, this is a VERY MATURE thing to do (but recognizing this doesn't make it any easier for us to be patient). She seems to have put a lot of thought into to what wrong in the relationship and taking the time to define/refine what she wants out of a long-term relationship – again a good thing. Furthermore she is improving herself (not being a "push-over") so that she is a stronger person. She still has a wall-up around her heart, and she needs time to heal more and let that wall come down (I have heard these words directly from my exgf). To attempt a reconciliation with you while that wall is up would just frustrate you further and likely lead to more heartache. She wanted to be strong when she returned to you.

 

She says that you weren't taking her seriously…I think she means you weren't listening to her - that she needs more time to heal (you and I know that the littlest things that we don't view as pressure may be interpreted as pressure by the ex). You and I being very similar, I think we tried to control the reconciliation process…our plan and our terms. You and I can see it so easily - how to get from Point A to Point B. Well, I think that the mere existence of that plan, and having "all the answers" puts pressure on an exgf who hasn't yet figured out for herself what she wants out of the reconciled relationship. And a "take –charge" attitude probably put pressure on her. Furthermore, you and I take pride in expressing confidence that the relationship can work (to the exs), thinking that it might inspire them, but I can see how that might have the opposite effect, if expressed at the wrong time. When she says that you were "mean", I think she is referring to the letter in which you called her selfish.

 

Overall, the fact that she sent this letter is positive. She wanted you to know that she wasn't intentionally yanking you around. And the substance of the letter leads me to believe that she took the potential reconciliation seriously and with a mature approach. Sure she waffled…but again (and this is easy for me to say to you, but difficult to for me to swallow for myself because I would rather just get pissed about her indecision) she is trying to redefine for herself what she wants out of your relationship.

 

I am NOT saying that you weren't entitled to your frustration, and you weren't entitled to let her know how you feel…again you were honest and forthright. This is clearly an example of how the dumper and the dumpee move at different speeds towards the convergence point (an illustration that I think you coined and which I agree).

 

I don't want to give you false hope here S&D… but I think there is still a nugget that can be worked into gold with this relationship in TIME and with an unapologetic yet conciliatory approach. If YOU still believe, and YOU still want this… continue to give her the space, and approach her again 1-2 months from now. Meanwhile, you know the drill.

 

P.S. I feel like I am writing this post to myself…Are you sure that we weren't dating the same person?

[Scout]

Well, Fletch's advice is more positive than mine, that's for sure. I guess I'm just not a patient person. Bottom line, yes, you do have to go with what feels right for you. You know her better than any of us - and we only have your side of the story to go on.

 

It is obvious that she does care very deeply about you, and it's also obvious that she hasn't decided in her mind she's done with the relationship. So yes, there is hope. If you want her back, that is. If you really think there is a true love here that can be reconciled, I am sure you can make it happen.

 

But for some reason, her email irked me. It just seemed so directed towards herself, and really didn't acknowledge any responsibility she might have in this "getting back together" process - it was all on your head to give her more time. How long has it been since you two broke up, anyway?

[shockeddismayed]

Gang,

 

Thank you for your responses. My problem is that I agree with ALL of them. I just depends on my mood.

 

1st reaction:

 

I was totally with Scout. (By the way Scout, it has been almost 5 months)She is trying to manipulate me. I also counted the number of "I"s in her email. What is up with that!?!?! Especially considering my last letter and email focussed on how what she had done was hurting ME... It is especially strange since she was just starting to realize what she'd done that hurt me... I give an emotional push, and now it is all about her again. Holy schnikes is right.

 

What kills me is that she asks for more time... and that she seems to think me expressing my disappointment with what has happened is "mean". No way sister... mean is being asked to leave your home, being forced to sleep with friends (edit: sleep at friends houses, lol)... being forced to start a new life alone... and never been given even so much as chance to talk about it. Again... a total lack of empathy on her part.

 

I start to wonder. " Is it that she doesn't have a voice that leads to passive aggressive behaviour?" or is it the alternative hypothesis..... that she could never "give in" to this relationship because she is a stubborn and selfish person. That in reality she feels she has "lost her voice" simply b/c she isn't willing to compromise EVER.

 

Given that she is a very strong willed person.... it was getting hard to see her in a positive light... especially with this email.

 

It feels obvious (when I am in this mood), that she isn't ready to concede to meeting my needs. I am being totally reasonable in my needs, so why should I always be the one to give in. I was always the one apologizing after arguments... she was always too proud/stubborn for that. I should stay 1000 miles away until I see clear signs that she is capable of this (if she ever gets there).

 

My first reaction was to either: a) not answer this at all... she is in a selfish place, and I can't get her out. or b) send her the letter back with the number of "I"s vs "we"s counted up and then just say at the end of the letter "this doesn't look like it was written by someone without their own voice... why don't you try to re-read my letters(including all the early ones where I apologized to YOU and promised to work on things) and imagine yourself in MY shoes for a change... I don't want to hear from you again until you can look past "YOU" and start thinking in "US" terms". Or some similar message.

 

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2nd Reaction:

 

I cooled off a bit and started to realize that she would still be behaving this way if it were that she was hurt and had her trust broken by the problems that happened in the relationship. (Basically, I was always the lighthearted side of our relationship, but when I fell into a deep rut, she started to tiptoe around me... that led us both to feel neglected by each other and it spiralled (silently) out of control).

 

Once she stopped being able to trust me with her heart, she started bottling things up inside till eventually she exploded. If she'd just stopped and told me how she was feeling everything would have been fine.... I know that when she speaks from her heart in a way that shows her vulnerability there is nothing she could say that I wouldn't understand... except "I don't love you". But the fact that she didn't open up... and the fact that I could sense her unhappiness but she wouldn't tell me what was wrong... led me to assume that she was distancing herself, or "not giving in" to the relationship. Since this had been a pattern earlier, I think I just started to assume she wouldn't or couldn't trust me... once I felt that I started to give up trying, and started protecting myself and feeling tired of always having to prove myself to this girl. It was like her fear of the relationship always put me in a hole I had to dig out of... Despite being a wonderful, kind guy, I was STILL always a suspect. Once I started feeling that way again, I got sick of making the extra effort... which I'm sure just reinforced her feelings of hurt.

 

When I feel this way, my reaction is to email her back and just say: "You say you haven't communicated your feelings well... Do you want to talk? I'll listen."

 

Damn... this is so confusing.

 

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Anyway... at this point I am sure there are elements of truth in both extreme view above.... I don't know what I'll do yet.

 

Here is the really strange part. You will all laugh at this... but sometimes there are these weird little things that make you wonder whether it is just a coincidence or something more.

 

About 3 weeks after the breakup I was in the shower... staring into space. And while looking at the letters on my Irish Spring soap fade my mind said "S&D, relax... if this works out it will be at least 3 bars of soap from now... chill."

 

Silly how your mind works... anyway. Bar number three finished the morning of my birthday. While I was in the shower that day, my EX called me to invite me on our date. Weird.

 

The next day I started a new bar, and told myself (based on the mixed feelings the previous night) that in "one more bar" things would be better.

 

So yesterday morning I finished that bar of soap. By noon she sent her email after 3 weeks of NC.

 

lol.... twilight zone.

[Scout]

Wow - that bar of soap metaphor is really funny! And it is weird, the timing and all. None of us will ever be able to measure time in anything except bars of soap, again! THANKS.

 

Shocked, ya just gotta go with your instinct on some of these issues. You mentioned there were earlier patterns of having to prove yourself to this girl...and the last five months have been a prolonged agony of having to do this, multiplied a hundred times over. How very weary you must be.

I love your idea of eventually sending her an email with the "I's" and "We's" stacked in comparison, and your closing remark about how it certainly seems like she has a voice of her own.

 

Other posters might have a more charitable outlook, but I guess I'm going to stick to the Devil's Advocate role here. I don't like the situation she's put you in, and I am appalled at the length of time she's insisting on dragging this out. Your impatience with the situation is not because of lack of love for her, but rather, lack of faith in her ultimate intentions.

 

You sound so together and smart, not to mention incredibly articulate. Wouldn't you be happier with a partner with communication skills that equal / complement your own??